New Guy SO Insecure

[Art_Critic]

3 months is when a person guards comes down and the true colors start to show.. The witching hour in a relationship.

 

He is showing you who he really is.. up till his controlling behavior he was who he thought you wanted him to be.. now is the real him...

 

If you want to be in a controlling untrusting relationship then that seems about what he is going to provide you...

He keeps you on a short leash... tsk tsk tsk... what is wrong with people sometimes..

[bones1]

There is no helping or logic to people who think like that.

 

I dated a woman who felt I was always looking at other women, everywhere we went. She would get furious. I was never looking.

 

My sister called me who I didn't talk to in about a year, and she was jealous about that. She felt I may have had something with my sister!

 

At first I thought some jealousy was cute. But it got to the point in which she then thought I was looking at women on tv! I couldn't look anywhere!

 

I would drop him.

 

And as for the weekly therapy, I would say very rarely are "dateable" people in weekly therapy. She was in therapy as well. I think very rarely are people seeing a shrink just to become slightly better people. Usually they are pretty nuts.

[Lauriebell82]

If a prospective mate has paranoid delusions, dispose of him or her. Why marry someone who will torment you for the rest of your life about imagined affairs, flirting, etc. Why?

 

The guy sees a shrink weekly. Hello, is that not an additional indication on top of his paranoid rants that he's not long term relationship material.

 

Better insensitive than assaulted.

 

Oh my goodness, I so wish I wasn't a therapist right now.

 

Anyway, despite this guy being in therapy (which it sounds like it's good for him!) how do you feel about that? Would you consider going to therapy with him?

[Lauriebell82]

and I am not that I disagree with ending it.

 

I have the exact same issues as he does. What lead me here, was a verbally abusive father, a bad marriage and a cheating girfriend. I can almost be sure that there was series of events have lead this guy to this type of behaviour.

 

Yet I have never been or ever will be abusive. Accuasatory without proof, jealous, insecure, mistrusting yes, but never verbally or physically abusive. I am neither a phyco or a lunatic. With the exception of issues while in relationships, I function like everyone else in society.

 

I think there is a fine line between jealous, insecure, and mistrusting behavior and just downright delusional relationship ideation. What the OP is describing goes far between a jealous or insecure boyfriend..there are MUCH deeper issues here.

[Lauriebell82]

And as for the weekly therapy, I would say very rarely are "dateable" people in weekly therapy. She was in therapy as well. I think very rarely are people seeing a shrink just to become slightly better people. Usually they are pretty nuts.

 

It depends on the type of therapy they are in. People go to it for a variety of different reasons, some being because they are delusional, some because they are depressed or hurt over a breakup. Those people are most def. not "nuts."

[mental_traveller]

Why are you still with this guy? He is a total paranoid jealous freak, he gives you hassle all the time, doesn't respect you. Come on, there are millions of normal eligible guys out there, and you stay with this nutcase? Pull your finger out and cut him off! Start dating regular people.

[FormerNiceGuy]

Hello people.

 

Ok i have been dating this guy for 3 months now & he is SO insecure, I don't know what to do anymore! I made a list of everything he does that bothers me. What would you guys do??? HELP!!

 

ALWAYS thinks I’m lying to him

 

Always thinks I’m flirting – when I just have a friendly outgoing personality

Flirt with uncle?? That’s disgusting to even think that

 

Got mad at me Saturday night for NO reason at all Everything was great & then did a complete 180 on me – for no reason

 

Have to answer his questions RIGHT away, if I don’t he thinks I’m lying to him - Can’t hesitate, can’t think about it, NOTHING

 

Says I turn him down for sex when I NEVER once did! NOT ONCE. He turned me down 4 or 5 times.

 

Questions everything I do

Every time I have to babysit my niece he questions me

Questions me when I go to HH. Thinks I go to HH to hook up

 

If I don’t answer my phone right away when he calls or answer his emails right away, he thinks something is up. – thinks I’m up to no good

 

I get restricted numbers calling my phone – He says its someone calling for booty calls

 

I wear skirts to work or wear shorter shorts – He says that I want all the guys to look at my legs.[/FONT]

 

Get rid of this guy NOW. a guy like this will be abusive.

[MarieD]

Hello Guys

 

Well I he texted me last night & I told him that I didn't want to see him this weekend & told him that i don't know if i want to be with him. He kept calling me & then I decided to be mature & talk to him. He sounded so upset. He then texted me that he really loves me & thought that we could get through anything.

 

We are meeting to talk in person tonight. I am going to tell him that he can't take him past relationships out on me. I am going to tell him that he has to stop accusing me of everything or he will lose me. I am going to tell him that everytime he does something that bothers me, i am calling him on it right then & there!! I refuse to live like i have been. I am going to go over that list i made up & talk about every little thing I wrote.

 

Yes he does go see a shrink, he told me cause he is the only child & doesn't have any brothers or sisters to talk to & guys don't talk about things like females do, so he talks to her. He said he started going awhile ago when he was having a hard time with a breakup with a girl & then just saw that it was nice to talk to someone, so he continued. I don't see anything wrong with him going. I have my girlfriends & mother who I can talk to about everything & anything, he has no one.

 

Laurabella - Yes, I would go to therapy with him, if he wanted me too.

 

I hope he could change, I doubt that people could change, but hopefully he will cause I'm not going to put up with his BS anymore!

 

A good friend of mine told me that her husband was very jealous when they started dated. She couldn't take it & was going to leave him, but then he changed & they were married a year later.

 

I have to give him a second chance! Every relationship has problems & they work through them, they just don't walk away. So I am going to give it another shot. But if he continues, I"m OUT!

 

THanks for all ur help!! I appreciate all your replies!!

[Lauriebell82]

I hope he could change, I doubt that people could change, but hopefully he will cause I'm not going to put up with his BS anymore!!

 

You are putting up with his BS because you are not breaking up wtih him. That just tells him that it is okay to treat you like crap and you will just forgive him and stay. That's how the abuse cycle begins.

 

A good friend of mine told me that her husband was very jealous when they started dated. She couldn't take it & was going to leave him, but then he changed & they were married a year later.

 

Being very jealous and being borderline delusional/psychotic are two different things. This guy is the ladder. He goes beyond normal jealousy, this guy has some serious problems here. Someone who is jealous of their gf's uncle making a pass at them is not just jealous, they are delusional and disturbed. That's not healthy relationship behavior.

 

I have to give him a second chance! Every relationship has problems & they work through them, they just don't walk away. So I am going to give it another shot. But if he continues, I"m OUT!

 

You DO NOT have to give him a second chance. You want to because he is manipulating you. He will continue. He already has been continuing and you are not "out" like you say you will be. Yes, every relationship has problems to work through but these problems are the beginning of abuse. You aren't going to be able to change the fact that he will abuse you.

 

Why do you feel the need to stay with him. Do you feel you have low-self esteem? Do you feel you need to have a boyfriend or you will be unhappy? I know you say that you love this guy but his behavior is hurting you, therefore that love is not healthy. Think about my questions and take a look at yourself.

[MarieD]

Laura

 

My friends said that she was going to leave her boyfriend in the beginning because he was accusing, questioning & also checking up on her when she went out, he would fight with other men in front of her etc. She said he was really bad. They broke up a few times & then it finally sank in & her boyfriend changed cause he saw that he would lose her. He was worse than my boyfriend. He wasn't borderline jealous, he was way more than that & he changes. So that just proves that one can change, not all, but some can change. I have to give him a chance.

 

His uncle didn't make a pass at me, he said i seemed over friendly to him & it made him feel uncomfortable. What he should have done was tell me that it bothered him and not ACCUSE me of flirting with his uncle. He has to word it in a better way then going ahead & accusing me.

 

No i don't have low self esteem at all. I am happy when i don't have a boyfriend. I just feel that this guy has been hurt in the past & has to learn that he can't take it out on me, the innocent party. I love him & when he is good, he is soo good, BUT when he gets in his jealousy moods i want to kick him in the head & it pushes me away big time.

 

I just feel that i need to give him another chance, because I want to!

Every relationship has its problems. Other boyfriends i had most cheated on me & this guy would never even think about that. I much rather him have insecure, jealousy problems then cheating on me like most of my exes did.

 

But I do see where u r coming from & what u r saying.

I will NOT put up with it any longer & if he continues i will walk away.

I promise u that! hahah

[Lauriebell82]

I see what you are saying. You can give him another chance, and who knows maybe he can change. I'm just afraid that you will realize that he isn't going to when he acts like this again, and then you will have wasted all that time.

 

And honestly, I really don't think this behavior will change overnight. Even if he tries to change his behavior he WILL have slip ups and paranoid and jealous behavior. You are saying that if he does it again then you will leave...okay but if he does this again are you going to give him another chance just HOPING this is the last time he will do it.

 

Can you see where the cycle comes in to play?

[AriaIncognito]

If a man is going to "change" he isn't going to do it for you. He will do it for himself, and will only do it when he's ready.

 

Are you certain you want to stick around and wait while he might or might not change? You could just as easily have him do his changing while you are broken up.

 

If it's meant to be, you'll reunite when he's able to give you the relationship you want.

 

Just a thought.

[MarieD]

Laura - No this behavior will NOT change overnight. My friend Jen said it takes alot of time & a lot of communicating & can take a toll on you emotionally & mentally. I am willing to give it a shot! Yes I can see where the cycle comes into play.

 

Its sad cause when its good with my BF, its GREAT!

 

 

Arian - NO u r right, he can't change for me, he has to want to change for him!! U r correct.

 

OK now i am going to open another can of worms hahah. I"m sure i'll get blasted for this........ I have dated a lot in my life & have been put through hell & back 4x with guys. I am now 35 years old & have decided that if this relationship doesn't work out with my man, then I am totally done with men & am moving forward with my goal.

 

My goal is to have kids on my own without a man! I have always wanted kids & am not going to miss my chance to have them even though I can't find mr. right. I can always find mr. right, but can't always have kids.

 

So my man is my LAST relationship I will have again! I am not waiting any longer, i am moving on with my goal after this one. Ok I know i'm gonna get slammed for that!!