Can you 'love' someone you've never met?

[Confusedalways]

Hi all- long time lurker, first time poster. I could really, really use some advice.

 

I am 21, the male in this problem is 23, we will call him Mark for the purpose of this thread. I'm sorry for the length but I REALLY could use some advice, please (I'm begging!)

 

Mark and I met online when we were really young, I was like 12, or something. We were playing a computer game together and just kind of 'clicked' [as much as you can when you're 12 and 14]. As we got a little older, 14 & 16, we sorta had a little puppy love non serious "long distance" thing going on. Not a big deal. He liked me more than I liked him, but still held him in a very high regard. One day he tells me he had a girlfriend, Stacy, and they just made things 'official' in real life. I had my own things going on, and none of it was ever serious, so we continued to be good friends obviously.

 

We stayed very good online friends. We talked about everything & everything. At this point, we had written a few letters, talked on the phone all the time, online all the time. We lost touch, both of us have busy lives. Not completely lost touch the talking was very infrequent. Even so, whenever we talked it was like no time was ever lost, we still had that same 'click' we had when we were younger. Since we were 12 and 14, we have not gone longer than 5 or 6 months without talking, usually it being much more frequent. Anyway, he STILL (to this day) is dating Stacy. But here's where my questions come in... through all the time where we've both been busy, he is the one to contact me, ALWAYS. He calls me to stay in touch, ims me, leaves me a myspace comment, etc. I always happily respond but it's always him initiating.

 

It has recently occurred to me that if he wasn't with Stacy, I would literally drop everything to try and make the two of US work. I don't know what to do. Can you form this kind of relationship over the internet? I don't know what all his phone calls and such mean. Is he trying to keep contact with a good friend or is there a possibility somewhere in his mind, too? There's this crazy bond between us that I can't describe and I have never ever had with a boyfriend or anyone i've dated. It's crazy. I really don't know what to do!! Him and stacy have been together forever, and he always briefly mentions her each time we talk. He can do so much better, she treats him like **** from what he tells me.

 

I hope I was able to get my point across clearly... I guess I want to know if it's possible to like someone so much you've never even met, and if there's any possibility maybe he feels it too, but doesn't want to jeopardize something good in life for something great that is a gamble? A few times drunk i've almost asked him if it would work between us if Stacy was not in the picture. I know it would, but she is and has been forever. What on EARTH do I do?!?!

[bubbles5]

hey they are , There is nothing wrong if u go for ldr but I would also like to add up that its more frustrating because u cant meet them person to person and if you lose them its very hard to cope up and sametime its satisfying too because at the end of the day u have someone whom u can talk to,Sometimes u may get cheated by wrong identity so its better iif u see that person cam to cam or talk or phone , It will help to make things much clear rather than just chatting online to online, if u want to make relationship u have to take chances n risk.. hope this is helpful peace!!

[pentacle]

No. You cannot love someone you have never met. You love the idea of that person. You love the image they portray of themselves - they get to show you what they want to show you. You know yourself that you portray a certain image of yourself to this guy or any other guy online.

 

You do not know what it feels like to be in his company. What he smells like. What he really looks like. His actual physical presence may not inspire you at all. Liking someone's physical presence is important.

 

You are in fantasy land. Meet him and find out if there is anything that you like about each other in real life before getting caught up in the romantic dream of how wonderful this guy is. If meeting is impossible, then enjoy the no strings electronic contact and get on with your real life.

[Elyssa]

No. You cannot love someone you have never met.

 

Yes, you can, and anyone who has ever been in a long-distance relationship before can tell you that much.

 

I met my husband online and when I saw his picture, it made me glad that I hadn't met him in person first. I would never have given him a second look. When I met him for first time in person after many months in a long-distance relationship, I loved everything about him just for the mere fact I was in love with him.

 

Confusedalways, if you really think you would like to be with this guy, talk to him about it. You've known each other for a very long time, and he keeps contact with you because he cares. He might be shocked at first, but it may very well unearth feelings within him that he put aside when he thought you were not interested.

 

-E

[Trialbyfire]

I would seriously wonder about a guy who connects so deeply with someone online, when he already has a g/f.

 

I don't believe you can be in love with someone online. Cyberspace is a world of fantasy where people become whatever you need or want, whether it's you or both of you playing the pretend game.

[Touche]

Yes, you can love someone you've never met.

 

The proof is that when it doesn't work out, it can mess with your mind and your emotions and let you down in the same way a "real life" relationship can.

[Jake Barnes]

Yes, you can love someone you've never met.

 

The proof is that when it doesn't work out, it can mess with your mind and your emotions and let you down in the same way a "real life" relationship can.

Yeah, but then you wonder if its really love or maybe you're just crazy

[Touche]

Yeah, but then you wonder if its really love or maybe you're just crazy

 

And that's different from real life..how?

[Jake Barnes]

And that's different from real life..how?

well in my case its probably no different at all

[Touche]

well in my case its probably no different at all

 

Exactly.

 

And I'm sure you're not alone on that one.

[missdeathwish]

Yes. It's entirely possible to love someone you've never met. Okay. I'm going to say something that's not very encouraging and I'm sorry for that.

 

Internet relationships aren't the best idea. You've "known" this guy for a long time, but you haven't met him. IF you did meet him, what would happen? Even if he and Stacy weren't together, there are no guarantees. Chemistry is very important. Right now, you have only part of the information/puzzle that is Mark. All of your chemistry and affection are based on what you know. (That's totally fine. It's all that is possible, right?)

 

My point is that even if you have both been entirely forthcoming about everything, there is still the issue of chemistry. Either you will have it or you won't. I speak from experience. I had a net buddy who I was totally in love with. I chose my college so I could be close to him and everything. But when I met him, the sizzle fizzled. It wasn't because either of us had lied or anything, it just was that while emotionally and mentally we "worked," physically, it just didn't happen. We had exchanged pictures and yeah, he looked like his picture and I looked like mine, but it was still different.

 

In the end, I think I may have wasted some time on this guy. Everything is a learning experience, yes, but I think I missed a few opportunities waiting to see what would happen. If you're not letting your feelings for this guy get in the way of you living your life, hang on to the little crush. Why the heck not? But don't make any long-term decisions based on him. This is true of any guy who is in a relationship, but especially with a guy who you've never met and with whom there are no guarantees.

 

I agree with the posters that have said that you could tell him. You two definitely have an established relationship and I'm sure it would weather it. Tell him, get it off your chest, and then just relax. Whatever you do, DON'T make any huge decisions based on what happens. Do not move, quit your job, or anything strictly for him until you have demonstrated (through many visits, etc) that your desire to make things work is totally mutual. Be sure you have your OWN place lined up, your OWN job, and find your OWN friends. Making a major life decision based on a chance at a relationship is risky. If your entire new life revolves around one person, you'll want a longer, more tangible history to make sure it won't all fall apart if you have a falling-out. ;-)

 

Good luck to you! I've been there; I know it can be tough.

[D-Lish]

I don't think you can truly love someone unless you have spent time in person with them. You can love the "notion" of someone though.

 

So many times I have made a connection with someone online only to be disappointed in person... I never get excited or create expectations anymore!

[johan]

You can love the parts of them you know. You can love how they express themselves in text and on the phone. You can love the rest of the image of them which you fill in with your own imagination.

 

But those things are not the whole person. What you fall for is not the real person.

[Jake Barnes]

I don't think you can truly love someone unless you have spent time in person with them. You can love the "notion" of someone though.

 

So many times I have made a connection with someone online only to be disappointed in person... I never get excited or create expectations anymore!

Yeah, but you said you're only attracted to less than 5% of men and then only if theyre under 25 and really fit

[Jake Barnes]

You can love the parts of them you know. You can love how they express themselves in text and on the phone. You can love the rest of the image of them which you fill in with your own imagination.

 

But those things are not the whole person. What you fall for is not the real person.

It is the real person

 

How is that not the real person?

[johan]

It is the real person

 

How is that not the real person?

 

Because part of what you've fallen for is your own invention. There are many things you can't really know about someone without actually being with them. That's not to say you can't also fall for the actual person, when you meet. But it is sure to be different.

[Confusedalways]

thanks for the advice everyone.... he continues to contact me today and such.

 

I don't know. I know I obviously don't love him but there are such strong feelings and I really do feel chemistry.

 

It's weird when some of you say that I don't really KNOW him. I think I do. It's been 10 years... most of the time I just feel like he's an old friend who moved away and haven't seen in awhile, you know?

 

I won't be making an long term plans based on him, no worries about that. I would honestly be shocked if he and Stacy didn't get married. I don't want to mess with someones life. I would love to tell him just to tell him and i've considered telling him drunk soo many times, but I want him to be happy and I definitely do not want to screw with his or my own life. Plus, we DO live on separate sides of the country. I am on the east coast and he is on the west. Rest assured, I would visit him in a heart beat if he wasn't with psychopath Stacy

[Trialbyfire]

Confused, people can say all kinds of things via cyberspace they don't really mean or feel, or sometimes, they only feel those emotions as at that moment, technically shallow emotions.

 

Try not to put so much into this, especially when he's already got a g/f. You only have his side of the story and if you read more threads, you'll find that men and women, when involved in triangular relationships, always demonize the person they're quasi-committed to, in order to garner sympathy and empathy, whatever, from another source aka you.

[HisLove]

I think there can be more than a 'notion' of somebody. Especially if you've had arguments, illness, dramas and grief, problems, as well as joys and triumphs.

 

Granted, it's not complete until you've met them in person and spent some time with them. That would be the final piece to the puzzle provided you've gone beyond romance and fair weather.

 

Gosh I hope there's more than a notion.

[selena_cat]

Confused, people can say all kinds of things via cyberspace they don't really mean or feel, or sometimes, they only feel those emotions as at that moment, technically shallow emotions.

 

Try not to put so much into this, especially when he's already got a g/f. You only have his side of the story and if you read more threads, you'll find that men and women, when involved in triangular relationships, always demonize the person they're quasi-committed to, in order to garner sympathy and empathy, whatever, from another source aka you.

 

 

so so sooo true i iloved someone,at least what i thought he was, which was a nice caring person which he obviously wasnt-he could take back evertything he said to me,just like trial says,shallow emotions.people showyou what they want and then their true colors come out,at least i caught it early.

Just be honest with him,shoot,i'd say maybe make arrangement to go meet him,you never know, sorry i'm still a hopeless romantic after all the bs i've been through. stay positive

[Trialbyfire]

so so sooo true i iloved someone,at least what i thought he was, which was a nice caring person which he obviously wasnt-he could take back evertything he said to me,just like trial says,shallow emotions.people showyou what they want and then their true colors come out,at least i caught it early.

Just be honest with him,shoot,i'd say maybe make arrangement to go meet him,you never know, sorry i'm still a hopeless romantic after all the bs i've been through. stay positive

Not too long ago, I found out about a married man who ran rampant through a site I frequent. He would moan about how horrible his wife was, then try to textually seduce women into having EAs with him.

[whichwayisup]

Rest assured, I would visit him in a heart beat if he wasn't with psychopath Stacy

 

I think you're reading into what he's telling you about her. Obviously she isn't as psycho as you think because he's still with her and probably going to marry her..

 

Do not tell him how you feel, there's no point because he has Stacy.

 

You like how he makes you feel, and the parts you don't know about him, you subconsciously make up, the fantasy stuff - That part is dangerous because that's not who he is.

 

For all you know he could smell awful, have BO or have chronic bad breath. Maybe he is argumentive, or a jerk in real life. You don't know his characteristics visually either, even by phone those don't show up until you meet face to face.

 

Question is, is this guy preventing you from finding real love in your real life offline?

[whateverwillbe]

Confused, people can say all kinds of things via cyberspace they don't really mean or feel, or sometimes, they only feel those emotions as at that moment, technically shallow emotions.

 

 

Of course, this can happen in "real" life, too. It is called "dating".

[Lookingforward]

Of course, this can happen in "real" life, too. It is called "dating".

 

 

LOL - oh so TRUE

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Yes. I really love my last long distant/internet/phone based love interest. If there were any woman I would have designed as my Mrs. Right, it would be her. A part of me still prays that she will change her mind and will find the love she once had for me (she is the only woman I actually introduced to my mother and aunty too).

 

 

DNR