Is it ok to still work with the ex om/ow..how would you feel?

[bish]

Lady, you're clearly not getting the point. Your husband has thoughts of you and OM screwing, and you having mind blowing orgasms.

 

Because of this, NO, it would NEVER work. Your husband will never be fine with OM, he will always be and feel threatened by OM. OM is your husbands enemy forever! To make it worse, you sided with your husbands enemy!

 

Thats the part she just doesn't seem to get. She is disprespecting her husband by being ANYWHERE NEAR this OM.

 

She @$#!&* up her desire to stay at that place of employment the day she spread her legs for another man there.

 

And If I were you, husband, I'd finish school and get my own job. Because as long as she is working, she will always get the hots for some guy there that she is attracted to that pays her the slightest bit of attention.

[Lookingforward]

Thats the part she just doesn't seem to get. She is disprespecting her husband by being ANYWHERE NEAR this OM.

 

She @$#!&* up her desire to stay at that place of employment the day she spread her legs for another man there.

 

And If I were you, husband, I'd finish school and get my own job. Because as long as she is working, she will always get the hots for some guy there that she is attracted to that pays her the slightest bit of attention.

 

Just as an aside, I've noticed this tendency on these boards from both genders - can we really not discuss these issues like adults without having to be crude about it?

 

I don't use this type of language and it gets a bit much constantly having it in your face when you're trying to read and comment.

[smooth]

Im surprised with the majority of feedback being so negative a few of you guys are saying I am only there to keep tabs on om in all honesty I am not.

 

I am going to share with you a bit of more information about myself and why I stay at my employment please do not make me regret sharing this information.

 

When I was 19 I was driving drunk and involved in a fatal accident I was sent to a woman's prison for 2 and a half years after getting out of prison I went from job to job and being turned down because of my criminal record I finally got a job at this certain company boss knew of my record to put me in a better position at work he sent me to community college paid for it all and paid me as if I were on the clock,I finished school I am now in a great position here at work my job is secure I do not have to worry about my past record here.

 

That is the real reason why I can't leave if I leave I am risking being turned down because of my past record I am the only one working at the moment if I do not work who will pay my mortgage,bills,car note.I have been at this company for over 15 years now

[bish]

Just as an aside, I've noticed this tendency on these boards from both genders - can we really not discuss these issues like adults without having to be crude about it?

 

Sorry, thats what cheating and betrayal are.

 

Something someone on a forum can say about it pales in comparison to the actual act itself.

[bish]

Im surprised with the majority of feedback being so negative a few of you guys are saying I am only there to keep tabs on om in all honesty I am not.

 

No, alot of people are saying that whether or not you have any desire for the OM any longer, it is disrespectful to your husband to stay at this place of employment where you will be seeing him on a daily basis. Even if not on a daily basis, once in a blue moon is too much even.

 

You just aren't getting it.

 

 

I am going to share with you a bit of more information about myself and why I stay at my employment please do not make me regret sharing this information.

 

When I was 19 I was driving drunk and involved in a fatal accident I was sent to a woman's prison for 2 and a half years after getting out of prison I went from job to job and being turned down because of my criminal record I finally got a job at this certain company boss knew of my record to put me in a better position at work he sent me to community college paid for it all and paid me as if I were on the clock,I finished school I am now in a great position here at work my job is secure I do not have to worry about my past record here.

 

That is the real reason why I can't leave if I leave I am risking being turned down because of my past record I am the only one working at the moment if I do not work who will pay my mortgage,bills,car note.I have been at this company for over 15 years now

 

It doesn't matter. You can start looking for another job. Pound the pavement. If you can't find one, that is a different story. You can look for another job diligently WHILE keeping your current job. You don't quit this job until you find another one, but you FIND ANOTHER JOB come hell or high water.

 

But you need to try to get another job. Apply at different places. If you can't get another job, you did what you could.

 

Problem is, you don't want to do what you can to respect your husband.

 

Maybe you should just get a divorce and set him free if you aren't willing to do whatever it takes to right the wrong you have done.

[smooth]

Two other companies have approached me and asked me to come work with them I went and when the first one found out of my background the they said well we are sorry but we do not hire anyone with a criminal background it is our policy.The second company gave me the same answer.

 

These were companies that wanted me to work with hthem they came up to me they know me from working with me from my current employment and after finding out of my background they say oops sorry but we can't work with you after all because it's policy.

 

My husband know's this is the only reason why I do not leave my job I try to explain it to him he has nothing to worry about he just does not trust me(by the way he agree's with all the feedback from you guys)

[SerenityX2]

Smooth...

 

I'd hope that you wouldn't get bashed revealing your past, that wasn't easy I'm sure...

 

But my previous post to you still applies. The marriage needs to come first.

 

Based on your past, you are well aware there are consequences for bad actions/choices. This unfortunately is another of those.

 

It'd be different if your husband wasn't asking this of you, but he is and you shouldn't invalidate HIS feelings on the matter. He also understands the past, and feels it is doable to find another job, which is probably why he graciously extended it for a year.

 

HE is doing everything to make a compromise, you seem to want to come out of this A unscathed with the exception that "you feel bad and won't do it again."

 

Sorry but there is always fallout, sometimes quite devestating from an A. You can no longer expect people to take you on your word when you've already betrayed their trust.

 

If there's a will there's a way, leave no stone unturned, you tried 2 places...try more. It may be a mountain, but not insurrmountable "if" you truly love your H and want this marriage to work, again it's not about "you" it's about the marriage and the 2 of you. You've made some bad choices in the past, it's time to take the focus off of self, and do the right thing...leave the past in the past, move on to a fresh start. Your past should not define you.

 

If you're not willing to do this, you should be willing to set your H free, you are not being fair to him or a partner in the M. IMO.

 

However it's up to you....freedom of choice.

 

Good luck.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I agree with Serenity and all the people who said it, even if some of them were nasty. Most of us don't care what you feel or don't feel for your other man. We are trying to tell you or question your logic and emotions when you say you want to work things out with your husband and that your marriage was important. How can you question rather or not the job should come first?

 

Lets put it like this... If the shoes were on the other foot. Would you want your husband working in the same place the other woman is still working? Or even if he didn't cheat, but he seemed to have more time for his job than for you and the family. Would you have him make the decision of his job or you and the marriage?

 

 

DNR

[Lookingforward]

Two other companies have approached me and asked me to come work with them I went and when the first one found out of my background the they said well we are sorry but we do not hire anyone with a criminal background it is our policy.The second company gave me the same answer.

 

These were companies that wanted me to work with hthem they came up to me they know me from working with me from my current employment and after finding out of my background they say oops sorry but we can't work with you after all because it's policy.

 

My husband know's this is the only reason why I do not leave my job I try to explain it to him he has nothing to worry about he just does not trust me(by the way he agree's with all the feedback from you guys)

 

Guess you should have thought of this before you had the A with a co-worker - nice way to repay the trust and investment your employer placed in you as well

[nadiaj2727]

I would love it if you guys can help me out with a debate my husband and I have been having.

 

First of all I was in a year long affair with my co worker it was emotional as well as physical I did consider leaving my husband for my co worker to make a long story short things changed and I decided to stay with my husband(by the way my co worker is also married)

 

It has been 8 months since the affair ended we still work at the same place it is a very small company so we see each other daily we have not talked,but I'm sure we will have too because of work related issue's.

 

My husband has been putting pressure on me to find another job,he says two people who were involved in a affair cannot work together and expect the marriage to survive.

 

He is always wondering if I am talking to ex om.

 

This is a job I planned on staying at for the rest of my life as well as om,so my husband says that means om has to be inhis life until I retire which is not anytime soon.

 

My husband thinks I will start another affair with om,he is giving me a year to quit.

 

I think A person can stay in the same work place as x om/ow without getting involved again what do you guys think? It's been 8 months and my husband still worries about this.

 

My husband will be reading the feedback as well.

 

I haven't read other answers, I think you need to find a new job for YOURSELF because working with xOM will always remind you of it and hinder your own healing. I also think you need to find a new job because it will help your HUSBAND heal and that should be your main concern right now. An affair is a very selfish act so now you need to start being as unselfish as possible and put your husband's healing as your first priority, over your own career. Why let him go on worrying?? Do whatever possible to help him heal if you truly love him and want to earn his forgiveness and trust back.

 

Good luck.

[bish]

Two other companies have approached me and asked me to come work with them I went and when the first one found out of my background the they said well we are sorry but we do not hire anyone with a criminal background it is our policy.The second company gave me the same answer.

 

These were companies that wanted me to work with hthem they came up to me they know me from working with me from my current employment and after finding out of my background they say oops sorry but we can't work with you after all because it's policy.

 

You are making excuses, nothing more. You don't quit your current job til all the cards are on the table and you have an offer from another company. If you don't get an offer from another company, then there isn't much you can do.

 

But something tells me you just want to make excuses and will not actively apply for other jobs. Bottom line, you don't want to make the effort....your husband isn't that important to you.

[bish]

Lets put it like this... If the shoes were on the other foot. Would you want your husband working in the same place the other woman is still working?

 

 

Well those questions will never yeild truthful responses because the shoe is NOT on the other foot. So she can easily say she wouldn't have a problem with it.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Well those questions will never yeild truthful responses because the shoe is NOT on the other foot. So she can easily say she wouldn't have a problem with it.

 

Your right. Like any sensible person would believe that a parent would want their friends in the same situation as that spouse or their friends and family married to losers who cheat on their spouse (it was a question I posed to people who were one of the affair party members who believe and stand on the position they are right and should not be faulted on something that apparently most people don't find right).

 

 

DNR

[Darth Vader]

Sorry, thats what cheating and betrayal are.

 

Something someone on a forum can say about it pales in comparison to the actual act itself.

 

 

My main MAN, BISH!HIGH FIVE!!!!!! Slap!

[bish]

My main MAN, BISH!HIGH FIVE!!!!!! Slap!

 

OUCH!! Dammit Darth, that stung!! Quit usin' the force when high fivin'!!

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I we haven't heard from you in a while. I just want to know if you get what a lot of these men and women are saying about why your husband may be right no this one?

 

 

DNR

[GPFan]

When I was 19 I was driving drunk and involved in a fatal accident I was sent to a woman's prison for 2 and a half years after getting out of prison I went from job to job and being turned down because of my criminal record I finally got a job at this certain company boss knew of my record to put me in a better position at work he sent me to community college paid for it all and paid me as if I were on the clock,I finished school I am now in a great position here at work my job is secure I do not have to worry about my past record here.

I do understand your dilemma here and I also understand that you were given an extraordinary opportunity by this company only to make yet another very unfortunate choice.

 

You owe it to the person(s) who gave up their life in that tragic accident, an accident for which you were responsible, to live an extraordinary life as you were given the second chance denied them.

 

Your current job is evidence of life bestowing it's grace upon you. And even more blessings were bestowed in the form of a loving Husband and children.

 

Don't get me wrong, I trust you have done a lot of good with your life. It hasn't all been one disaster after another but this is one of those occasions, again created by you, where you need to go above and beyond to make amends.

 

Brainstorm the possibilities such as finding the OM a position with a different company, searching for jobs that may require a move, starting your own company, etc.

 

There is a way to make things right for everyone including yourself but it will take courage on your part. You have every reason to trust life and it's processes so courage should come easily.

 

Remember those who were denied a second chance whilst you are working on your third chance, metaphorically speaking.

 

Fix this and once it is fixed, vow to stay on a positive path going forward. It won't ever be perfect but maybe, just maybe, it will keep any future cataclysmic events out of your way so you can concentrate on being the best person you can be.

 

I wish you and your family well. It will not be easy but it will be worth it.

[Ally Boo]

You're lucky he has been okay with this thus far. If I were your husband, I would have made it clear immediately that he would need to be gone. And if I were you and really cared about my marriage, I wouldn't want to be near the OM anyway just to avoid any potential problems.

 

I mean, it's a job... this is a marriage. You broke the "you are supposed to trust me" card, and how is he supposed to trust you fully if you are unresponsive to getting away from the OM. I mean, seriously... get your priorities straight. If you want to be with your husband, working temporarily at a place like Walmart would be less of a big deal than losing my marriage.

 

In my opinion, when you agreed to work things out, you agreed the relationship was number 1- which had it been all along, you would have never put yourself in this position.

[Owl]

If your H is sitting here agreeing with all of the advice that YOU are getting on the thread that YOU started...on an OW forum mind you, not on an infidelity one...

 

 

What does that tell you???

 

You're hearing the same message from him, from the BS's that responded...even from the OW/OM here on the forum.

 

This isn't rocket science.

 

So...the REAL question remains...are you going to continue to ignore what you really need to do in order to recover your marriage, or are you going to find a way to make it work?

[Tomcat33]

Im surprised with the majority of feedback being so negative a few of you guys are saying I am only there to keep tabs on om in all honesty I am not.

 

I am going to share with you a bit of more information about myself and why I stay at my employment please do not make me regret sharing this information.

 

When I was 19 I was driving drunk and involved in a fatal accident I was sent to a woman's prison for 2 and a half years after getting out of prison I went from job to job and being turned down because of my criminal record I finally got a job at this certain company boss knew of my record to put me in a better position at work he sent me to community college paid for it all and paid me as if I were on the clock,I finished school I am now in a great position here at work my job is secure I do not have to worry about my past record here.

 

That is the real reason why I can't leave if I leave I am risking being turned down because of my past record I am the only one working at the moment if I do not work who will pay my mortgage,bills,car note.I have been at this company for over 15 years now

 

 

All bets are off then, your husband and you need to sit down and calmly work out a plan that works for the two of you and that does not involve you having to leave your current job. If you have a cirminal record it can be very hard to find a job that will take you.

Not sure how old you are but I think after so many years you might be able to get a judge or the local police to clean that record off. Though for DUI I am not sure how that works...for petty crimes I think you can.

 

This piece of information changes everything, hope you can work it out.

[bish]

All bets are off then, your husband and you need to sit down and calmly work out a plan that works for the two of you and that does not involve you having to leave your current job.

 

She needs to make the effort, a REAL effort, to find another job. If she cannot find one, then it is not feasible to quit her current one until she does.

 

But she DOES need to look for another one and perservere until she gets one.

 

Her husband shouldn't have to put up with her being in the presence of this OM whatsoever.

 

 

If you have a cirminal record it can be very hard to find a job that will take you.

Not sure how old you are but I think after so many years you might be able to get a judge or the local police to clean that record off. Though for DUI I am not sure how that works...for petty crimes I think you can.

 

This piece of information changes everything, hope you can work it out.

 

This piece of information does not change a thing. I don't advocate her quitting her job until she finds another one. If she can't find one, then she keeps applying and applying and applying. the effort should never stop.

 

If/when she finds another job after fully disclosing her history to the potential employer, THEN she can quit her job.

 

Bottom line, she doesn't want to make the effort to fix what she broke. Its irrelevant whether or not she finds another job, her husband isn't worth the effort to try to right her wrong.

[LikeCharlotte]

She needs to make the effort, a REAL effort, to find another job. If she cannot find one, then it is not feasible to quit her current one until she does.

 

But she DOES need to look for another one and perservere until she gets one.

 

Her husband shouldn't have to put up with her being in the presence of this OM whatsoever.

 

 

 

 

This piece of information does not change a thing. I don't advocate her quitting her job until she finds another one. If she can't find one, then she keeps applying and applying and applying. the effort should never stop.

 

If/when she finds another job after fully disclosing her history to the potential employer, THEN she can quit her job.

 

Bottom line, she doesn't want to make the effort to fix what she broke. Its irrelevant whether or not she finds another job, her husband isn't worth the effort to try to right her wrong.

I almost never visit this section but today I had to answer a question for my friend and I was coming over to see if LS agreed. HA! Bish you are 100% correct.

 

OP, if you ever come back sweetie... I'm hoping to hear that you did the right thing. Take the hit because all you've said here was selfish. You owe it to your H at bare minimum. You are lucky to have any of it (your job and your marriage) at this point. Never put things you love at risk because you risk losing them, but now that you have you are going to have to lose one or both. Be happy that you got a choice and start proving that you mean it.

[smooth]

I am stuck in a situation where I am confused I do not know how many of you responding have actually been in my situation.I think you never really know what you would do unless you were in the situation.

 

I was one of those people who would say I would never cheat let alone with one who is also married,but look where I am now.

 

I know it is possible to continue working with the xom/ow because my co worker and I are doing it.

 

His wife also know's about the affair she know's everything and she has not forced him to leave his workplace.

 

I think she is ok with it because she did to me what I basically done to her and my husband as well was apart of it so he betrayed me as well,I guess I deserved it.

 

I just feel like I let down alot of people I know I have made my job my number one priority I am a workaholic and it is tought to give up my job,I do not want to let my boss down because of everything he did for me,and at the same time I know my husband is hurt by me still working with om.

 

I just feel so much pressure do I leave my job and make my husband happy and at the same time risk not making enough money to pay my mortgage and car notes,credit cards,utilities and other expenses.

 

Or do I stay and continue to argue with my husband and have everything paid with no worries.

 

Sorry but I can't make a choice today or tomorrow,but I know I have to decide sooner rather than later.

[Tomcat33]

She needs to make the effort, a REAL effort, to find another job. If she cannot find one, then it is not feasible to quit her current one until she does.

 

But she DOES need to look for another one and perservere until she gets one.

 

Her husband shouldn't have to put up with her being in the presence of this OM whatsoever.

 

 

I do agree with that.

 

BUT on the same token Smooth:

 

Though I have never been in your shoes I do empathise with the idea of how ovewhelming it must feel to have to look for another job that will accept you given your past record, not to mention the humiliation you feel every time your situation is rehashed and you are rejected for a position once they find out. It must be very hard and I totally feel for you.

[SerenityX2]

Okay one more time...

 

WHAT aren't you grasping here? Your exact situation and others have zip to do with this...so whether people have been in your exact shoes is irrelevant.

 

YOUR HUSBAND wants you to find another job for the sake of YOUR MARRIAGE...ie. what needs protected here.

 

It doesn't matter what your exOM wife's feelings are on the job situation, what matters HERE is YOUR HUSBAND's feeling on the situation for the the sake of the marriage. (I'm repeating, I don't think you are hearing us)

 

Honestly I think you are waiting for a ton of replies that will say "oh, that changes everything YOU should stay and do what YOU want, for your comfort, to hell with your husband." Ain't gonna happen from what I've seen. You are being completely disrespetful to his feelings.

 

No one is forcing you to quit your job and stay with your husband, what we are saying is "if" you want this marriage you will need to give this job up eventually, the two cannot coinincide from HIS wishes. HE counts too in the marriage...yeesh.

 

You're now concerned about hurting this boss ...understandable for what he did for you...but OVER your husband's concerns? Then SET HIM FREE. It's that simple.

 

Free will baby, the choice is yours.