Owl Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 OK, I've actually been posting my "nice" advice. At this point...gloves are off, and the blunt and straight up responses are here" I am stuck in a situation where I am confused I do not know how many of you responding have actually been in my situation.I think you never really know what you would do unless you were in the situation. What difference does it make what side of the triangle that ANY of us were on??? You posed the question about working with your ex-lover. I was one of those people who would say I would never cheat let alone with one who is also married,but look where I am now. I know it is possible to continue working with the xom/ow because my co worker and I are doing it. Is it POSSIBLE? Yes...remotely at best. Is it WISE? No. Is it fair to your HUSBAND?? HELL no. Are you going to be able to rebuild your marriage and remain working there??? CERTAINLY NOT!!!! Your H has already told you that!!!!!! His wife also know's about the affair she know's everything and she has not forced him to leave his workplace. That doesn't make EITHER of you right. That doesn't mean that EITHER of you will repair the damages done to your marriages. HER choices should have NOTHING AT ALL to do with your choices...or your HUSBAND's choices. Stop worrying about HER...why not focus instead on YOUR HUSBAND??? I think she is ok with it because she did to me what I basically done to her and my husband as well was apart of it so he betrayed me as well,I guess I deserved it. What in the heck are you talking about? Did your H and her sleep together? Did your husband cheat on you? HOW DID YOUR HUSBAND BETRAY YOU, WHEN YOU WERE THE ONE HAVING THE AFFAIR??????? I just feel like I let down alot of people I know I have made my job my number one priority I am a workaholic and it is tought to give up my job,I do not want to let my boss down because of everything he did for me,and at the same time I know my husband is hurt by me still working with om. You have. And you still are hurting people by continuing to do what you're doing. You're still destroying your marriage and your H by refusing to take action to repair the damage you've done by having the affair in the first place. I just feel so much pressure do I leave my job and make my husband happy and at the same time risk not making enough money to pay my mortgage and car notes,credit cards,utilities and other expenses. Or do I stay and continue to argue with my husband and have everything paid with no worries. This depends. Do you want to be rich, and divorced from your husband because you put your job and finances over your marriage? Or do you risk lowering your lifestyle and take measures to save your marriage? Tied into that...what does your HUSBAND want in this? Remember...you're MARRIED. That means that this is a JOINT decision...NOT JUST YOURS. Sorry but I can't make a choice today or tomorrow,but I know I have to decide sooner rather than later. Sorry, but you CAN make that choice right now. The reality is...you are CHOOSING NOT to make a decision. BLUNT QUESTION: WHY IS YOUR JOB MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR HUSBAND?????
Owl Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 I'd also like to add one more thought for your H, who I hope is still reading here. Don't wait a year for her to decide to leave or not. You're going to put yourself through a totally useless year of non-recovery if you do so. You're just setting yourself up for a year of furthered pain and torment, and she's going to continue to do what she WANTS to do rather than do what your marriage NEEDS her to do. Ask her to put in her notice today. Set it as a clear boundary. Either she puts in her two week notice, and sits down with you to work out how the two of you will manage your finances until something else comes along, or you go ahead and file for divorce now. She's right where she wants to be right now. She's not focusing at all on recovering her marriage or rebuilding her relationship with you. She's focused on her job...whether its because she loves her job or because she's still involved with OM is a good question, but a moot point. Put limits into what you're willing to accept in your relationship going forward. And...if you decide to continue your marriage, please, find a good marriage counselor that can help the two of you address the ISSUES behind all of this. Good luck to you man...
bish Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 I am stuck in a situation where I am confused I do not know how many of you responding have actually been in my situation.I think you never really know what you would do unless you were in the situation. I was in your husband's situation....married to a cheater that is. And there is absolutely NO WAY, I'd put up with my wife seeing a guy on a daily basis that she had boned. but then again, I won't stay with a cheater period. I was one of those people who would say I would never cheat let alone with one who is also married,but look where I am now. And this has what significance to the fact that you don't want to do the right thing and don't feel your husband is worth the effort or respect? I know it is possible to continue working with the xom/ow because my co worker and I are doing it. *sigh* You just don't get it do you? No, you don't. FOR YOU it is possible to think its ok. IT IS IN NO WAY ACCEPTABLE FOR YOUR HUSBAND! Got that? Do you get it? Its fine for you, but your HUSBAND isn't going to put up with it as he shouldn't. His wife also know's about the affair she know's everything and she has not forced him to leave his workplace. As far as you know. But YOUR husband will not stand for it. He has the right line of thinking. QUIT TRYING TO JUSTIFY THE FACT THAT YOU COULD CARE LESS ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND AND WON'T PUT IN ANY EFFORT. I just feel like I let down alot of people I know I have made my job my number one priority I am a workaholic and it is tought to give up my job,I do not want to let my boss down because of everything he did for me,and at the same time I know my husband is hurt by me still working with om. You know he is, but aren't going to try to do anything about it. You are the epitome of selfishness. I just feel so much pressure do I leave my job and make my husband happy and at the same time risk not making enough money to pay my mortgage and car notes,credit cards,utilities and other expenses. No, you apply for jobs from here on out until you DO find a good job. You never stop trying. You work where you are at until you find another job. But you don't want to do that, so its a moot point. Or do I stay and continue to argue with my husband and have everything paid with no worries. If this is what you want to do, then just get a divorce. ATTENTION HUSBAND: If you are reading this, don't let this woman try to snowball you into thinking being around the other man is going to be just fine. HUSBAND, I think you need to finish school, get your own job, then get a divorce from her. She clearly doesn't give a squirt of p##s about you.
Author smooth Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 Yes in a way my husband did betray me as well. My xom's wife founf out of the affair somehow she never went straight to her husband to comfront him instead she goes straight to my husband(she found my number and address online) I guess she wanted revenge anyhow to make a long story short she told me husband about the affair she did this out of spite I really do not know the truth of what went on between them two they kept in touch and would see each other for almost 2 months(om and I knew nothing of then even meeting up with each other) Until oneday his wife decides to confront him about me,which is how the affair ended. To this day my husband denies having a emtional or physical affair with her I just do not understand why he would be involved with her for almost 2 months and not confront me about my affair unless he was doing something wrong also after all that would have been the perfect way to get back at both of us. My husband says he was just talking with her to get proof of my affair he say's nothing happen he say's had I not been involved in a affair he would have never even cross paths with her. He is angry at me for bringing this up on this forum because he says it has nothing to do with what our arguments are about today,he says our problem is where I am working and who I am working around and until I leave my job he will never take me serious.
Owl Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Marriage counseling...or divorce. I don't see any chance at all for the two of you to make it on your own.
NoIDidn't Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Oh, I get it. I admit I haven't read the beginning of the thread. So your H and the MMs W were keeping notes for two months so that they could catch the two of you in the lies that you were telling them to keep the affair going? And you want to fault her for that? Why? That's NOT an EA. Not even close. Nice try at deflection of responsibility though. Your arguments with your H have nothing to do with his detective work with your MM's BW. It has everything to do with the fact that while on that job you used your working with him as a cover to continue your deceit. He wants proof that you are committed to recovering your M with him by ending your ability to deceive him while you are at work with your (x)MM. Why aren't you willing to give him that instead of constantly trying to find excuses to stay? Don't worry about her and her H? She can't force him to quit his job. You should already know that based on the fact that your H has so far been unsuccessful in getting you to quit your job too? I hope your H is still reading here. It seems that you are still in contact with the OM about things that have nothing to do with work when you talk about what his W has or hasn't done because I am sure that you haven't gleaned that little bit of info from your H. Stop hedging your bets and pick one: your marriage or a divorce to pursue the MM (who more than likely isn't leaving his M)
bish Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Yes in a way my husband did betray me as well. My xom's wife founf out of the affair somehow she never went straight to her husband to comfront him instead she goes straight to my husband(she found my number and address online) Oh puhleease. You are going to try to pass that off as betrayal? If someone I was with was cheating and they were doing it with someone who was married, you better believe I'd talk to the spouse of the OM. I guess she wanted revenge anyhow to make a long story short she told me husband about the affair she did this out of spite So what? Its good that she told him. Doesn't matter why. I suppose you think she should have just sat there and took it like a good little betrayed wife? I really do not know the truth of what went on between them two they kept in touch and would see each other for almost 2 months(om and I knew nothing of then even meeting up with each other) Until oneday his wife decides to confront him about me,which is how the affair ended. To this day my husband denies having a emtional or physical affair with her I just do not understand why he would be involved with her for almost 2 months and not confront me about my affair unless he was doing something wrong also after all that would have been the perfect way to get back at both of us. You have no right to assume anything. I can absolutely see him talking to her and gathering information. I talked to the xW of the guy my wife was seeing for a month before confronting her and for a while after that. Nothing more than to get much needed information. I know you REALLY want to believe he was having an affair so you can absolve yourself of guilt, if you have any. My husband says he was just talking with her to get proof of my affair he say's nothing happen he say's had I not been involved in a affair he would have never even cross paths with her. Yup, sounds perfectly logical to me as I've been in the same boat as he has. He is angry at me for bringing this up on this forum because he says it has nothing to do with what our arguments are about today,he says our problem is where I am working and who I am working around and until I leave my job he will never take me serious. I suspect he may be angry because you are probably using this to make him look less innocent in it all. That and for you to have the gall to use his correspondence with her and say he betrayed you. Sorry, you are the only betrayer here if thats the best you can come up with. I believe him completely when he says he only talked to her for information. Been there, done that.
serial muse Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 I guess she wanted revenge anyhow to make a long story short she told me husband about the affair she did this out of spite I really do not know the truth of what went on between them two they kept in touch and would see each other for almost 2 months(om and I knew nothing of then even meeting up with each other) Until oneday his wife decides to confront him about me,which is how the affair ended. To this day my husband denies having a emtional or physical affair with her I just do not understand why he would be involved with her for almost 2 months and not confront me about my affair unless he was doing something wrong also after all that would have been the perfect way to get back at both of us. My husband says he was just talking with her to get proof of my affair he say's nothing happen he say's had I not been involved in a affair he would have never even cross paths with her. No, your husband didn't "betray" you, smooth. At least, not from what you wrote. Look, you're obviously pretty defensive about your affair (I, too, was shocked that you assumed he should just trust you now - there's absolutely no reason why he should, of course), but can you at least try to put yourself in his shoes for a minute? Someone comes to him, and tells him something that rocks his world. He's devastated. He probably doesn't know what to think. He wants very much to know what she knows, he wants to share his pain, he wants to talk, he wants to get it all out somehow. But he can't do that with you, that's for damn sure. She's been honest with him; she gave him the heads-up, and who better than she to know what he's going through? So perhaps he clings to her a bit, like a lifeline, something to help steady him while he reels from this information. It would be utterly surprising if he didn't want to be in touch with her. Why is that so difficult to understand? To be honest, I doubt it is, but it would be much less painful for you to think that he, too, was guilty. Right? Please stop being so defensive, and instead, think about what you can honestly do to save your marriage. If, that is, you do want to save it. I also note that this is how the affair ended. Perhaps you are angry with her, then? It's a good way to punish her - accusing her, too, of having an affair. She ended yours.
LikeCharlotte Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Yes in a way my husband did betray me as well. My xom's wife founf out of the affair somehow she never went straight to her husband to comfront him instead she goes straight to my husband(she found my number and address online)Good for her. I guess she wanted revenge anyhow to make a long story short she told me husband about the affair she did this out of spite I really do not know the truth of what went on between them two they kept in touch and would see each other for almost 2 months(om and I knew nothing of then even meeting up with each other)They were being lied to how is that revenge and spite. You are not living in reality smooth. That is betrayal that is looking for the truth and needing support. You are the one who did something wrong. Until oneday his wife decides to confront him about me,which is how the affair ended.Not because you wanted to be with your husband? and you expect him to trust you... wow... just wow... To this day my husband denies having a emtional or physical affair with her I just do not understand why he would be involved with her for almost 2 months and not confront me about my affair unless he was doing something wrong also after all that would have been the perfect way to get back at both of us.Get back at? What is wrong with you? Do you realize that not everyone thinks in terms of spite and revenge? Nice try to deflect it on him. You don't deserve his offer of working it out as far as I'm concerned. My husband says he was just talking with her to get proof of my affair he say's nothing happen he say's had I not been involved in a affair he would have never even cross paths with her.You don't believe him because he is the one who lied and cheated right. Reality check... you hurt him. He is angry at me for bringing this up on this forum because he says it has nothing to do with what our arguments are about today,he says our problem is where I am working and who I am working around and until I leave my job he will never take me serious.and here you are still ignoring him, you don't care at all. You are just plain selfish and self serving. Good luck with all that...
NoIDidn't Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 I am thinking that this thread would do much better in the Infidelity Forum so more people might read it. Smooth's thinking is a perfect example of "foggy" thinking. She is still clearly in the A-mindset and still thinking only of herself. The pass drunk driving stint has nothing to do with this. Its almost a good excuse not to quit, but not good enough when being asked to get a new job directly. What happens if the HR department finds out about their affair and they both get fired? Do you then go to HR with the story about not being able to find another job because of the criminal history? They are not likely to show any mercy in this case. It really is a case of "you-should-have-thought-about-it-beforehand"... I hope that you get your mind cleared. You may find yourself without a H AND a job.
serial muse Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 You may find yourself without a H AND a job. This is so completely off topic but when I first read this I thought it said something else.... ...slinks away in shame...back to topic...
Darth Vader Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 OUCH!! Dammit Darth, that stung!! Quit usin' the force when high fivin'!! It's my style!:cool:
NoIDidn't Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 This is so completely off topic but when I first read this I thought it said something else.... ...slinks away in shame...back to topic... O M G!!! I am so sorry it looks like that. You have such a dirty mind!!!! LOL.
serial muse Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 O M G!!! I am so sorry it looks like that. You have such a dirty mind!!!! LOL. It's still making me giggle. Yes, I'm five.
NoIDidn't Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 It's still making me giggle. Yes, I'm five. O/T I'm giggling too..... H AND job ROFLMAO!!!!
Darth Vader Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 OK, I've actually been posting my "nice" advice. At this point...gloves are off, and the blunt and straight up responses are here" When are the gloves ever on? Oh, wait, that's me who never wears gloves on here. Silly me!
Darth Vader Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 I am stuck in a situation where I am confused I do not know how many of you responding have actually been in my situation.I think you never really know what you would do unless you were in the situation. I was one of those people who would say I would never cheat let alone with one who is also married,but look where I am now. I know it is possible to continue working with the xom/ow because my co worker and I are doing it. His wife also know's about the affair she know's everything and she has not forced him to leave his workplace. I think she is ok with it because she did to me what I basically done to her and my husband as well was apart of it so he betrayed me as well,I guess I deserved it. I just feel like I let down alot of people I know I have made my job my number one priority I am a workaholic and it is tought to give up my job,I do not want to let my boss down because of everything he did for me,and at the same time I know my husband is hurt by me still working with om. I just feel so much pressure do I leave my job and make my husband happy and at the same time risk not making enough money to pay my mortgage and car notes,credit cards,utilities and other expenses. Or do I stay and continue to argue with my husband and have everything paid with no worries. Sorry but I can't make a choice today or tomorrow,but I know I have to decide sooner rather than later. Now I know the husband's NOT reading this Thread! Ain't no way!
Darth Vader Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 Yes in a way my husband did betray me as well. My xom's wife founf out of the affair somehow she never went straight to her husband to comfront him instead she goes straight to my husband(she found my number and address online) I guess she wanted revenge anyhow to make a long story short she told me husband about the affair she did this out of spite I really do not know the truth of what went on between them two they kept in touch and would see each other for almost 2 months(om and I knew nothing of then even meeting up with each other) Until oneday his wife decides to confront him about me,which is how the affair ended. To this day my husband denies having a emtional or physical affair with her I just do not understand why he would be involved with her for almost 2 months and not confront me about my affair unless he was doing something wrong also after all that would have been the perfect way to get back at both of us. My husband says he was just talking with her to get proof of my affair he say's nothing happen he say's had I not been involved in a affair he would have never even cross paths with her. He is angry at me for bringing this up on this forum because he says it has nothing to do with what our arguments are about today,he says our problem is where I am working and who I am working around and until I leave my job he will never take me serious. So how did you find out about the possibility of hubby and XOM's W?
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Your husband didnt nail the OMW. I'm sure if he did he probably would have admitted it, but you brought this all on you by even having this affair in the first place and continue to have it, even by continuing to be in your job with the OM. Your not doing anything to regain trust. And if I knew you felt this way I probably would have nailed the OMW if the opportunity presented itself but i am a man of my word and I would leave you first before I did.
bish Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 ATTENTION HUSBAND: If you are reading this, don't let this woman try to snowball you into thinking being around the other man is going to be just fine. HUSBAND, I think you need to finish school, get your own job, then get a divorce from her. She clearly doesn't give a squirt of p##s about you.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 My husband has been putting pressure on me to find another job,he says two people who were involved in a affair cannot work together and expect the marriage to survive. Your husband is correct. He will NEVER trust you if you continue to work with the OM daily. You'll be speaking to OM, seeing him, looking at him, feeling tempted - *Oh one lunch, no big deal...oh it was just one casual conversation, no big deal* etc... Problem is, you WILL be feeding your feelings by seeing the OM every single day at work. You are far from 'over' the OM and your H knows this. Please don't fool yourself here - You were planning on leaving your H for this man if he was willing to leave his wife. Your H has every right to ask you to quit your job, you cheated and now he knows about the A, the consquences are all around you so if you want your marriage to work, ask for a transfer to another City, or quit your job. If you dig your heels in and stay at your workplace with the OM, you CAN kiss your marriage goodbye.
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 His wife also know's about the affair she know's everything and she has not forced him to leave his workplace. It doesn't matter what the OM's wife thinks right now. Who cares if she hasn't forced him to leave and find another job..The point is, YOUR husband HAS and THAT is who counts here, that is, IF you are putting your husband and marriage first. If you want to put your career at this particular job first, as I said in my previous post, you can kiss your marriage goodbye. Put yourself in your husband's shoes. How is he supposed to trust you? How does he know what you'll think and feel EVERY SINGLE TIME the OM walks by and you see him? THE FEELINGS inside for the OM are still in your heart and that is why you need to quit your job. How can you get over someone when you see them every day? Please think about this, put your H first and do what you need to do to save your marriage.
Angel1111 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I think there are some pretty harsh comments here. I personally think there are some dynamics going on in this situation and in their relationship that some of people aren't thinking of. First of all, 'smooth' is solely supporting the family and doesn't have the luxury of leaving on a whim, or maybe not even methodically. What she did is in the past and it cannot be undone. I'm pretty certain that if she could've seen far enough down the road, she wouldn't have had the affair to start with, because she does value her job. But, like many of us, we make dumb mistakes, and only then our vision becomes crystal clear. So, I think now it's time to look at the situation as it is and move on from there. One thing I would say that may be of help, 'smooth', is that if someone does offer you a job the way the other two companies did, be upfront right away and tell them about your criminal record before they find out about it for themselves. It seems that your record should stop being a consideration after 15 years, and because you were so young when it happened. Just a thought. I can definitely see your husband's point of view. However, he has some accountability here, too - not for the affair, of course, but he has chosen to forgive you for the affair and stay with you - knowing full well about your criminal record and what that does to your options of getting another job, plus putting you in the position of being the breadwinner. He isn't giving you any options, only putting extreme pressure on you about not being able to twinkle your nose and magically conjure up a brand new wonderful job. This is counterproductive and only disheartening to you because you don't know which way to turn. This added pressure is just one more thing that's driving a wedge between the two of you. I suggest that, as much as it upsets your husband, that he at least be patient while you look for another position, and face the possibility that you actually may not be able to find one. Instead of giving you a deadline that is cutting the rift deeper and deeper, why not mutually agree on a timeline - except this timeline will be that after 'x' amount of time looking for another job, you stop looking. That way, you aren't facing a curfew that you have no control over but are, instead, feeling more relaxed and, by feeling that way, you may actually attract a wonderful, new position. You never know. But what I DO know...what I know for a fact....is that putting someone under pressure to accomplish something is a guaranteed way to completely screw things up magnificently. If your husband can't acknowledge that it will, realistically, be difficult for you to find another job, then the pressure and arguments are really just a way to continue hanging the affair over your head. Truth is, time will heal this wound and he can come to grips with it as time goes by. I'm not saying it's easy but that seems to be part of the package in this situation because of the parameters you're working with - namely, husband isn't working and wife has a viable job and is solely supporting the family. Both of you are in a tight space and you can make the worst of it, or the best of it. As I said before, 'smooth' cannot undo what has happened. There is no point in making this more of an issue than it is. I'm sure if she could undo the damage, she would. But she can't. For the two of you to come together and be on the same team, this issue must be resolved once and for all. The more attention the affair gets, the more energy it will have. Diffuse the energy by focusing on what you both treasure - your life together, your love for one another, and your beautiful family. Let that be your focus instead of everything else, which is secondary.
Owl Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Angel, its ridiculous to negotiate this. Her H did know about her criminal record...but of course never figured she'd sleep with a guy at work and so create this entire morass that they're in right now. I don't know your story, so I don't know if you're BS/OW or what...but I can tell you as a fBH that his expectation of complete and total NC between her and her ex-lover are TOTALLY REASONABLE. Setting a short time line on moving on, and working out a gameplan to support themselves short term without her income...completely reasonable. The bottom line is...her marriage CANNOT AND WILL NOT recover while she works with OM...PERIOD. Her H knows this...and he's pushing for steps to save the marriage. Her job may not be critical to the survival of their marriage. But...NC WITH OM IS THAT CRITICAL. This isn't rocket science. As a matter of fact, its so simple, its almost instinctual. Smooth is getting the rough time she's getting because she's refusing to accept the responsibility and accountability for her actions that she NEEDS to accept...or her marriage cannot recover. The hope is that she stops viewing things from her own angle only, and opens her eyes and starts seeing this like she needs to...through her HUSBAND'S eyes. If she wants her marriage to recover...she HAS to learn to do this.
bish Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I think there are some pretty harsh comments here. I personally think there are some dynamics going on in this situation and in their relationship that some of people aren't thinking of. First of all, 'smooth' is solely supporting the family and doesn't have the luxury of leaving on a whim Well apparantly you haven't been reading what we are saying. Nobody is saying she needs to leave on a whim. She gets out there and pounds the pavement to find another job. If she cannot find one, then it is not reasonable to expect her to quit her current job. She should keep her current job until she finds another one. Problem is, she doesn't want to put in the effort of finding another job. Her husband isn't worth that effort. She thinks he should just put up with her being in contact with this other man on a daily basis. What she did is in the past and it cannot be undone. I'm pretty certain that if she could've seen far enough down the road, she wouldn't have had the affair to start with, because she does value her job. But, like many of us, we make dumb mistakes, and only then our vision becomes crystal clear. She didn't make a mistake. She made a conscious decision to gratify herself with another man. Call it a poor decision, but it was no mistake. And yes, whats done it done and is in the past. But she isn't willing to deal with the present and future in the way she needs to do it. She is making excuses, pure and simple. So, I think now it's time to look at the situation as it is and move on from there. the only way she wants to move on is keep her job where this OM is and keep on disrepecting her husband. She does not want to do the right thing and doesn't want to make the effort. Again, nobody is telling her to quit her job flat out. We know that people need their jobs. But I will not leave a current job until I find another one. That is what she needs to do, but she won't do it. Only way she wants to move on is to have the H get over it and put up with her seeing this other man at work. One thing I would say that may be of help, 'smooth', is that if someone does offer you a job the way the other two companies did, be upfront right away and tell them about your criminal record before they find out about it for themselves. It seems that your record should stop being a consideration after 15 years, and because you were so young when it happened. Just a thought. That is true. Don't hide anything that can come back that will make her lose any future job. I can definitely see your husband's point of view. However, he has some accountability here, too - not for the affair, of course, but he has chosen to forgive you for the affair and stay with you - knowing full well about your criminal record and what that does to your options of getting another job, plus putting you in the position of being the breadwinner. What does him taking a chance on her have to do with what she did to him AFTER he gave her that chance? Here she is, not the best past, her H chose to look past what she did with regards to her criminal record and give her a chance. And what does she do?? screws him over in a big way. NOW she has to do what is right. But she doesn't want to do that. So in my open message to the H if he is still reading, he would do well to finish school and divorce her since she isn't willing to make the effort to at least TRY to look for another job. He isn't giving you any options, only putting extreme pressure on you about not being able to twinkle your nose and magically conjure up a brand new wonderful job. So the H should just "get over it", bite his tongue, and be ok with her being in the presence of this OM at work every day? And again, nobody is expecting her to "magically conjure up" a new job. She simply doesn't even want to try. I suggest that, as much as it upsets your husband, that he at least be patient while you look for another position, and face the possibility that you actually may not be able to find one. Instead of giving you a deadline that is cutting the rift deeper and deeper, why not mutually agree on a timeline - except this timeline will be that after 'x' amount of time looking for another job, you stop looking. I feel the deadline was imposed, more than likely, because they had this discussion and my gut tells me she told him she doesn't want to find another job. THAT being the case, of course he then gave her a deadline. That way, you aren't facing a curfew that you have no control over but are, instead, feeling more relaxed and, by feeling that way, you may actually attract a wonderful, new position. You never know. But what I DO know...what I know for a fact....is that putting someone under pressure to accomplish something is a guaranteed way to completely screw things up magnificently. No, what screwed things up magnificently is her cheating on her husband. She gets put in prison, finds a man that forgives her past, marries her...she then cheats on him with a guy at work....and HE is the one that will screw things up??? Get real. If your husband can't acknowledge that it will, realistically, be difficult for you to find another job, then the pressure and arguments are really just a way to continue hanging the affair over your head. Truth is, time will heal this wound and he can come to grips with it as time goes by. I'm not saying it's easy but that seems to be part of the package in this situation because of the parameters you're working with - namely, husband isn't working and wife has a viable job and is solely supporting the family. Both of you are in a tight space and you can make the worst of it, or the best of it. He can make the best of it by finishing school, then leaving her. Then she can be happy that she got to keep her job.
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