underpants Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Am I the only one that thinks Krytie and Star should date? ......
Touche Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Am I the only one that thinks Krytie and Star should date? ...... OMG! You read my mind! The sexual tension between them is palpable. Whoa!
Jilly Bean Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 But still, that weird kiss was...weird. There was a weird kiss, too? I missed that...
bones1 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 You said: I was sitting there thinking, "My work, my philanthropy, my family, my girlfriends, AND my prospective-SO are all priorities to me. I try to keep a balance. I'm not going to put ANY of them on the backburner after ONE date...I can't imagine avoiding my GFs because my BF would get mad if I didn't focus my time on him!!!" It's one thing to slowly, casually, fall-in to the whole spending-tons-of-time-with-your-partner thing, but to express the need - dare I say "requirement" - that I put HIM first on a first date.......... eeeeeeek. It seems to me you have some serious issues, and serious red flags yourself. If you are so content and busy with your "philanthropy", work, playing with your girlfriends, and your family, why are you dating, picking them apart after one conversation, and posting about it on loveshack? Are you really that fulfilled and busy? Or is that just how you like to picture yourself? A man who is seeking a girlfriend is not strange at all if he would like to be a priority in a womans life. Most women would like to be a priority in a man's life as well. That does not mean slack at work, and make that person your ruler. It simply means learn how to balance your life, and make them feel special. You do not make them feel special by arrogantly telling them "Work will always be my priority!". If you are at the stage in life where you would rather go out with girlfriends, then stay single. What does he have to look forward to? Maybe within the next month you can squeeze him in if you do not have work, philanthropy, your girlfriends, or family to tend to. Maybe that one day you are free, he isn't. How on Earth do you get to know someone if you rarely see them, especially at the beginning? And that does not make him "needy" at all. Some people can simply manage their lives much better than others. I can do more before noon than some people do all week. I would have time to see someone any night of the week, and I have a business with employees, I go to the gym, I play sports, and I travel. Some people work, do nothing else, and go on and on as if they are sooo busy.. Like they are some type of unique hero for having a job, they have to continuously let everyone else know how busy they are! Wow! Then you said: I don't think success is about being in a relationship. Far from it. Then why are you so consumed with it? Picking apart first dates on internet message boards? Why so defensive? If you are happy alone, stay that way. Relationships take time and effort.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 There was a weird kiss, too? I missed that... Yup. It was weird. He hugged me and then just planted it on me, and almost shoved his tongue in my mouth. It wasn't a bad kiss, it was quite nice actually. It was just weird the way he went about it.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 It seems to me you have some serious issues, and serious red flags yourself. Good thing you don't have to date me, eh? If you are so content and busy with your "philanthropy", work, playing with your girlfriends, and your family, why are you dating, picking them apart after one conversation, and posting about it on loveshack? Are you really that fulfilled and busy? I want it all. The career, the community service, the friends, the family, the loved one, the white picket fence. What's wrong with that? A man who is seeking a girlfriend is not strange at all if he would like to be a priority in a womans life. Most women would like to be a priority in a man's life as well. I didn't say it's strange. I just think it's strange to expect it on the first date...even BEFORE the first date. He continued on to tell me that I shouldn't have flaked on him the first time, that I should have made the date my priority. The Supreme Court and the State Bar of California would say otherwise. It simply means learn how to balance your life, and make them feel special. I realize that, duh. Did you not read where I said I need to balance everything, not just a dude and my job? You do not make them feel special by arrogantly telling them "Work will always be my priority!". If you are at the stage in life where you would rather go out with girlfriends, then stay single. First, AGAIN...do you read? I didn't say that "work will always be my priority!" - I said it will be a priority when it's a work crisis vs. hanging out at home on the couch with a brand new BF. And I hardly think being career oriented is "arrogant." Someone tell me why I'm defending myself to this sexist guy? What does he have to look forward to? Maybe within the next month you can squeeze him in if you do not have work, philanthropy, your girlfriends, or family to tend to. Maybe that one day you are free, he isn't. How on Earth do you get to know someone if you rarely see them, especially at the beginning? I've always been able to balance my relationships with my other interests and commitments. ALWAYS. I've never ever had a complaint about that from anyone I've ever dated - EVER (complaints about other things, sure, but not that). To be b*tched at on the first date about it, before we've even established we're dating, is a little overboard. I would have time to see someone any night of the week, and I have a business with employees, I go to the gym, I play sports, and I travel. Good for you. I can't see someone anytime they want on any night of the week. I do have a life outside of my relationship, and NO it's not all work-related. Then you said: I don't think success is about being in a relationship. Far from it. Then why are you so consumed with it? Picking apart first dates on internet message boards? Why so defensive? If you are happy alone, stay that way. Relationships take time and effort. I'm not defensive towards you, not in the slightest. Why analyze my dates? Because - for the 1000000th time - in the past (and I mean the past, oh, 15 years leading up until only 2-3 months ago) I've had a VERY hard time recognizing ANY flags of any color, to the point where everyone on LS is screaming at me and giving me virtual slaps upside the head for being so blind. So now, when something gives me a moment of pause, I question why I feel that way, and come here to ask what others' experiences have been. You're right, relationships do take effort. Part of the effort required involves effort in finding the RIGHT person for ME.
grogster Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Never have Nalick's Breathe (2AM) lyrics been so fitting as in this Thread: "If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to" I admire your courage and fortitude, SG. If it were me, I'd get dressed and flip a virtual "middle finger" to one and all. Litigation's a cakewalk after LoveShack.
Touche Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Never have Nalick's Breathe (2AM) lyrics been so fitting as in this Thread: "If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to" I admire your courage and fortitude, SG. If it were me, I'd get dressed and flip a virtual "middle finger" to one and all. Litigation's a cakewalk after LoveShack. If it were me, I'd get dressed and flip a virtual "middle finger" to one and all. That shows real class.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Never have Nalick's Breathe (2AM) lyrics been so fitting as in this Thread: "If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to" Is it just a coincidence that you quoted my signature (that I've had for a year now)? I admire your courage and fortitude, SG. If it were me, I'd get dressed and flip a virtual "middle finger" to one and all. Eh, sometimes I do. Litigation's a cakewalk after LoveShack. Sure is....
bones1 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Its your attitude that seems to be the problem. I had an employee with a similar attitude. When hired, he agreed to work certain times and days. Then, all of these things kept coming up, and if I expressed my dissatisfaction with his absences, he had this horrible attitude and tone that of course everyone else must understand that he has other things that come first. He has to take his child somewhere, he has to go to court, he has to see his family, etc. Like he was entitled to screw up other peoples plans, because what he had going on was more important. So you make a date, then break it. If you have a career you must be married to, thats your problem. Nobody cares. If you can't control your work schedule, then why are you entitled to make plans with others and expect everyone to be understanding and supportive when you break them? Then you twist it around that he might be needy, controlling, expecting too much, and then continually mock the situation that it is only some guy "on a first date". I have put work before my girlfriend or dates before. Sometimes we had plans to go out of town, and a job came in that I could make big money on over the weekend. If, IF, I put her off, I was extremely apologetic, etc. I didn't have some chip on my shoulder expecting everyone to care that I have a job that comes first!
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 I have put work before my girlfriend or dates before. Sometimes we had plans to go out of town, and a job came in that I could make big money on over the weekend. If, IF, I put her off, I was extremely apologetic, etc. I didn't have some chip on my shoulder expecting everyone to care that I have a job that comes first! That's the same exact thing I'm saying, dude. You do it too! How is my view of work vs. life ANY different than yours????? I don't know why you think I have a "chip" on my shoulder about it. Have you read ANYTHING I've said here?!?! AGAIN, FOR THE FINAL TIME, MY JOB DOES NOT COME FIRST IN EVERY SITUATION. THERE ARE TIMES IT DOES, AND TIMES IT CLEARLY DOES NOT. WHEN IT DOES, I EXPECT SOME UNDERSTANDING AND PATIENCE. OF COURSE I DON'T DO IT INTENTIONALLY. NOW GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON.
Mary3 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Star, your dating life spins my head! red flags, blue flags, green flags You should get some girlfriends and go out and have a laugh and forget about men for 2 seconds Your life always seems so serious and problematic and full of second guessing and dating problems It is almost as if you serial date and then enjoy worrying about every tiny detail you talk about on that date - Do you think that you are trying to hard to find 'The One'? The harder you try to find yourelf a perfect husband, the more likely you will end up single forever! Oh and IMO (for what it is worth) I think the guy is laying down HIS ground rules to you and trying to work out if you are worth the bother. He sounds like he could be commitment phobic and that will not be a problem to begin with, as long as you dont gift wrap your heart and give it to him! Can't you just enjoy life, take yourelf less serious and know that success is not judged on being in a relationship and you do not have to be married to be happy! Don't you mean red white and blue flags ?
sfsassy Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Good thing you don't have to date me, eh? I want it all. The career, the community service, the friends, the family, the loved one, the white picket fence. What's wrong with that? I didn't say it's strange. I just think it's strange to expect it on the first date...even BEFORE the first date. He continued on to tell me that I shouldn't have flaked on him the first time, that I should have made the date my priority. The Supreme Court and the State Bar of California would say otherwise. I realize that, duh. Did you not read where I said I need to balance everything, not just a dude and my job? First, AGAIN...do you read? I didn't say that "work will always be my priority!" - I said it will be a priority when it's a work crisis vs. hanging out at home on the couch with a brand new BF. And I hardly think being career oriented is "arrogant." Someone tell me why I'm defending myself to this sexist guy? I've always been able to balance my relationships with my other interests and commitments. ALWAYS. I've never ever had a complaint about that from anyone I've ever dated - EVER (complaints about other things, sure, but not that). To be b*tched at on the first date about it, before we've even established we're dating, is a little overboard. Good for you. I can't see someone anytime they want on any night of the week. I do have a life outside of my relationship, and NO it's not all work-related. I'm not defensive towards you, not in the slightest. Why analyze my dates? Because - for the 1000000th time - in the past (and I mean the past, oh, 15 years leading up until only 2-3 months ago) I've had a VERY hard time recognizing ANY flags of any color, to the point where everyone on LS is screaming at me and giving me virtual slaps upside the head for being so blind. So now, when something gives me a moment of pause, I question why I feel that way, and come here to ask what others' experiences have been. You're right, relationships do take effort. Part of the effort required involves effort in finding the RIGHT person for ME. I probably wouldn't date you, lol. However, what a piece of work that other poster is. I mean let's see going out on a first date, or making sure your work for the California Surpreme Court is taken care of? Tough choice. Whatever. Feel mad for you!
amerikajin Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Yes Star, it is a red flag. Any guy who has never fallen in love by the time he reaches his mid-thirties, will either have intimacy, commitment or control issues. So what, then, just end it? Maybe one of the reasons relationships have a hard time getting off the ground anymore is because people go around looking for red flags, expecting the worst before giving themselves a chance to experience someone's best. Star_Gazer, I think it's possible that you're thinking about this and a lot of your other relationships too much. You need to just get into the relationship and try to enjoy it. Don't put so much pressure on yourself or him for that matter. You're going to analyze this relationship to death. Make mental notes, for sure, but I would just wait and see what happens over the next few weeks before making a final judgment.
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 So what, then, just end it? Maybe one of the reasons relationships have a hard time getting off the ground anymore is because people go around looking for red flags, expecting the worst before giving themselves a chance to experience someone's best. We're talking about one date, not a relationship. If you're already seeing red flags at this point, why waste more time? There are plenty of other fish in the ocean.
amerikajin Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 We're talking about one date, not a relationship. If you're already seeing red flags at this point, why waste more time? There are plenty of other fish in the ocean. Well it seems as though some people are saying that someone who's 35 and never been 'in love' is a red flag. I agree that in this guy's case, he might have some issues, but that may or may not be the case for everyone else is all I'm saying. The fact that he's been single up to the age of 35 is, to me, not necessarily any worse than the person who's been divorced once or twice by the same age. I mean, what may be a 'red flag' to you may or may not be to someone else. I would just advise the other poster to feel the guy out for himself and see exactly why he hasn't been in a serious relationship yet. My older cousin married a guy who hadn't ever been married before and he was mid 40s at the time. They're doing fairly well last time I checked. I concede it's not something that happens everyday, but I'm sorry when you go into a relationship looking for red flags, you may as well just stay single indefinitely. Star Gazer, I've read more of the thread. I guess the guy has now given you some sort of ultimatum, which would explain a little more why this guy has relationship issues. I'm just wondering if maybe you need to approach dating differently. It seems like you approach dating with a high level of romantic expectation and you're looking for that magic man who's going to just sweep you off of your feet. I'm not picking on you individually when I say this; I think this is true of a lot of people. But to be honest, I think the truth of the matter is, finding the magic man or magic woman who comes to us like something out of a fairy tale is a rare find. Some people find it, but most don't. I can only speak for myself, my own observations and my own experiences, but I think that love - true love - happens over time, not in an instant. I already know there are people who will come out and tell me that they've experienced this feeling, and I don't doubt that it happens; I just don't think it's all that common. I think what's more common is that two people get to know each other, form a bond over time and, most importantly, commit, commit, commit.
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Well it seems as though some people are saying that someone who's 35 and never been 'in love' is a red flag. I agree that in this guy's case, he might have some issues, but that may or may not be the case for everyone else is all I'm saying. The fact that he's been single up to the age of 35 is, to me, not necessarily any worse than the person who's been divorced once or twice by the same age. I mean, what may be a 'red flag' to you may or may not be to someone else. I would just advise the other poster to feel the guy out for himself and see exactly why he hasn't been in a serious relationship yet. My older cousin married a guy who hadn't ever been married before and he was mid 40s at the time. They're doing fairly well last time I checked. I concede it's not something that happens everyday, but I'm sorry when you go into a relationship looking for red flags, you may as well just stay single indefinitely.Truth be told, I also see a guy who's never been married into his mid-thirties, as a warning but not necessarily a red flag. Even you have to admit that older bachelors tend to get set in their ways.
bones1 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 How old is star gazer, and has she been married before? Does she have children?
Lishy Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Don't you mean red white and blue flags ? LMAO - Yeah Union Jack flags!!!!!!!! hahaha:lmao:
MaxManwell Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I think if a woman is not married by 24 it is a red flag and no one should ever marry her because she clearly doesn't want to have enough children.
grogster Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Is it just a coincidence that you quoted my signature (that I've had for a year now)? Eh, sometimes I do. Sure is.... I linked those lyrics to you long before I saw your signature. I view your Threads as your relationship diary. The only difference being is that your diary is public. While I'm a believer in the wisdom of the crowd, I do question the "wisdom" of your early relationship "red flag" threads. No relationship, especially early on, can withstand too much scrutiny and analysis. You're a very analytical women, which is fine in many, but not all, life pursuits. I know you've been burned in the past, but having LS posters vet your seedling relationships based on your accounts of what the man said or how he acted may interfere with early, vulnerable relationships. New relationships cannot blossom when subjected to withering public micro-scrutiny. They abort. In sum, LoveShack, with all its distractions and silly crowd noise, may not be good for your love life. Too much analysis and advice freezes the Heart. Take no offense, but if your goal is to find a mate, keep your new relationships off LS. On the other hand, if you want to maintain your public diary, keep posting. It's always fun and entertaining on your Threads.
amerikajin Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Truth be told, I also see a guy who's never been married into his mid-thirties, as a warning but not necessarily a red flag. Even you have to admit that older bachelors tend to get set in their ways. People get set in their ways as they age anyway, whether they are bachelors or single. It's just that the more experience they have living with someone, the more likely it is that they will be prepared to help cultivate a successful relationship. But I would not just say that a lack of experience alone is necessarily a red flag in and of itself. As I say, if people go looking for red flags...all they're going to do is find them. I think people have to be flexible and adaptable when they get into relationships. They can't go into a relationship seeing black and white, good or bad, green light or red flag. Individuals have different experiences in life and if you're not willing to accept or accommodate that, then while you may indeed find your match, it may take one hell of a long time to find it, and in the meantime the soul mate you end up finding may end up making the same conclusions about you that you've made about others along the way. I mean, how do they really know you at first anyway, right? Maybe they're cynical about relationships and looking for red flags. Maybe they just assume someone who's been divorced and keeps dating and dating isn't good relationship material. Mind you, I'm not attacking you or saying that I would approach a relationship with someone who fits this profile in this light, but I'm just saying, don't go looking for red flags. You can always find red flags if you want to. Just see what the guy or gal is all about. Get a sense for who they are and what they want, and if they present themselves credibly.
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 People get set in their ways as they age anyway, whether they are bachelors or single. It's just that the more experience they have living with someone, the more likely it is that they will be prepared to help cultivate a successful relationship. But I would not just say that a lack of experience alone is necessarily a red flag in and of itself. As I say, if people go looking for red flags...all they're going to do is find them. I think people have to be flexible and adaptable when they get into relationships. They can't go into a relationship seeing black and white, good or bad, green light or red flag. Individuals have different experiences in life and if you're not willing to accept or accommodate that, then while you may indeed find your match, it may take one hell of a long time to find it, and in the meantime the soul mate you end up finding may end up making the same conclusions about you that you've made about others along the way. I mean, how do they really know you at first anyway, right? Maybe they're cynical about relationships and looking for red flags. Maybe they just assume someone who's been divorced and keeps dating and dating isn't good relationship material. Mind you, I'm not attacking you or saying that I would approach a relationship with someone who fits this profile in this light, but I'm just saying, don't go looking for red flags. You can always find red flags if you want to. Just see what the guy or gal is all about. Get a sense for who they are and what they want, and if they present themselves credibly. A too open mind can also get you wazoo'ed up the ying yang. It's a balance between watching for red flags and compromise/acceptance of eccentricities. I can tell you for fact that the times where I ignored red flags when they appeared, are the relationships that were a waste of time and emotion.
amerikajin Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 A too open mind can also get you wazoo'ed up the ying yang. It's a balance between watching for red flags and compromise/acceptance of eccentricities. I can tell you for fact that the times where I ignored red flags when they appeared, are the relationships that were a waste of time and emotion. I would agree that it comes down to balance, and you're right that you do have to pay attention to obvious warning signs. I guess the warning signs I pay attention to are more related to someone's behavior when they're out on a date with me. The times when someone turns me off by something they say are when someone starts bashing their ex's or something to that effect. When someone is single and they refuse to take responsibility for the fact that they're single...that would be a red flag to me, for example. But I wouldn't just assume that because they're 35 and single that they're automatically not dating material. Yes, we get set in our ways, but that's everybody. You could trade in someone who's lived as a bachelor for someone who's 'housebroken', I suppose, but they might come with their own baggage. Maybe the guy who's broken up with his ex girlfriend of 4 years or ex wife is used to living with a prototypical partner and maybe you end up being just a little different. Experience counts but adaptability and a willingness to work with someone...that's the most important thing. Some bachelors are willing to adapt; some with a long dating resume aren't. It depends on the individual. Judge the individual.
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I would agree that it comes down to balance, and you're right that you do have to pay attention to obvious warning signs. I guess the warning signs I pay attention to are more related to someone's behavior when they're out on a date with me. The times when someone turns me off by something they say are when someone starts bashing their ex's or something to that effect. When someone is single and they refuse to take responsibility for the fact that they're single...that would be a red flag to me, for example. But I wouldn't just assume that because they're 35 and single that they're automatically not dating material. Yes, we get set in our ways, but that's everybody. You could trade in someone who's lived as a bachelor for someone who's 'housebroken', I suppose, but they might come with their own baggage. Maybe the guy who's broken up with his ex girlfriend of 4 years or ex wife is used to living with a prototypical partner and maybe you end up being just a little different. Experience counts but adaptability and a willingness to work with someone...that's the most important thing. Some bachelors are willing to adapt; some with a long dating resume aren't. It depends on the individual. Judge the individual. Not once have I said that someone single and in their mid-thirties was undateable. What I said is that someone who hasn't fallen in love by the time they've reached their mid-thirties has commitment, etc. issues. Also, anyone who's not been married by the time they hit their mid-thirties, should have some warning lights go off, due to the possibility of being too set in their ways. Anyone who's emotionally unavailable needs to review why they are and work on it, previous to seriously dating. They also should be upfront about it, while working through their issues, regardless of casual or serious dating. What I see are too many people who live in the land of de-nile or deliberately hiding this fact, for personal gain aka getting laid or hoping someone will fix them.
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