Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Oh come on... Who doesn't put their career first at times ?.. We all do.. this was a first date.. It isn't harsh.. people with clients have responsibilities that go beyond a normal job... I believe that they go back and forth in the first priority slot all the time... Exactly, Art. Thank you.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 I sometimes work all nighters, when a deadline hits. If my family or friends need me in an emergency, I would also drop everything for them. As would I, and my boss is understanding of that. I actually had a family emergency earlier this week, and my boss insisted I take care of that and put a very important work issue on the back burner. In the same vain, a simple "date" or "hanging out" will never come first when a client crisis occurs.
Touche Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I disagree, whole heartedly, Touche. Your hubby works for himself, he can control his workload. Associates cannot. You must have forgotten some of my past posts. We just celebrated the one year anniversary of H's practice. Before that, he worked for someone else. Ok, granted he was more of a partner than an associate there too but you can work up to that. He never worked more than 40 hours since I've known him. Hell, after 9/11 I worked longer hours than HE did for a time. (He did all the cleaning then.) Anyway, I guess I've veered off-topic. I just wanted to address that. Bones, wow. I do have a problem with your sexism. Don't even get me started....
bones1 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Come on people... Lets say a man asks you out on a Saturday night,(by most standards a better time for a date than a Sunday afternoon), then he cancels, due to work.. So you have no plans. Then you agree to meet Sunday for your date. You then open up to him, and express that you would like to meet a man that would put a relationship ahead of constant work work work. He then tells you "sorry, work will always come first!" Neither person is wrong. I can see both people looking out for their best interests. I am just saying, good luck meeting a man who is happy with seeing you around your work schedule, and does not mind broken plans. Not the best way to start.
Trialbyfire Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Come on people... Lets say a man asks you out on a Saturday night,(by most standards a better time for a date than a Sunday afternoon), then he cancels, due to work.. So you have no plans. Then you agree to meet Sunday for your date. You then open up to him, and express that you would like to meet a man that would put a relationship ahead of constant work work work. He then tells you "sorry, work will always come first!" Neither person is wrong. I can see both people looking out for their best interests. I am just saying, good luck meeting a man who is happy with seeing you around your work schedule, and does not mind broken plans. Not the best way to start. Using that same logic, why in the world would a man date a litigator? Not all men are so traditionally rutted.
bones1 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 If someone does not have the TIME for a relationship, why do they feel they DESERVE one? If they feel work comes FIRST, then why should others have to happily accept that? There are millions of women who would put a relationship first. Is it healthy to work to live? Work is the most important all consuming thing in life? Is that healthy? it is very commendable that you take your job seriously. But don't be surprised if other parts of your life suffer. Since work is most important to you, don't worry about it. Be happy.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 By your logic, one should never date a fireman who rushes to a California fire, a SWAT team member who races to the local bank to rescue 10 hostages, someone in the reserves who may be called to duty to help hurricane victims, an ER doctor who will get paged to come in after a ferry collapses, an obstetrician who will have patients in breach, a pastor who will counsel suicidal teenagers...because they all have jobs which will, at times, require the SO to take a TEMPORARY backseat to their job. Are all those people not "deserving" of a relationship too? If someone does not have the TIME for a relationship, why do they feel they DESERVE one? If they feel work comes FIRST, then why should others have to happily accept that? There are millions of women who would put a relationship first. I didn't say work comes first under all circumstances. I said it takes priority over "dates" when it's a work related crisis or huge project, not when it's just the day-to-day grind.
bones1 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Well most of the jobs you listed are typically held by males. Fireman, swat team, pastors, etc. Why is it that many women are very eager to marry men in the armed forces? For the benefits. They know the men will be gone most of the time. They think of security, not his presence. Do men ever marry intentionally into that scenario? Very rarely. Now most men choose a woman for her company, sex, companionship. As I am sure you will marry a man that works as well. For many men, a woman's career is not very important. Thats why you see rich and famous men with all the choices in the world marrying waitresses or bartenders. Men do not marry for the security her job might provide them if she shares her money with him. And there are 1000 more eloquent ways to say "work comes first" without saying it like that, if you weren't intentionally trying to make some bold statement. Nobody is DESERVING of a relationship. Who said that anyone deserves another humans love, devotion, and affection, especially if you are telling them a job would always come before them. Let them find someone who WOULD put them first.
bones1 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 And I also don't think you can compare working long hours as a lawyer, to people who are pulled away to risk their lives to save others, or are helping others out of the goodness of their hearts, or someone who brings babies into the world. Why do so many men marry foreign women? For their careers? In comparison, how is the mail order husband business coming along? Even rich and famous men.. Mathew McConaughey Brazilian girl with no career. . Tiger Woods Swedish former housekeeper. Matt Damon Argentinian single mom bartender.. Maybe it sounds sexist, but most men would rather marry a pretty and nice waitress that has time to give them attention, than a professional woman who declares she will "put her career first!". Especially men with choices, which is most likely the type of man you are trying to obtain.
Trialbyfire Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I can firmly dispute your allegations through personal experience. I've had 5 wedding proposals and have always been extremely career oriented. Every one of these men had plenty of options. They just weren't sexist.
Ally Boo Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I can firmly dispute your allegations through personal experience. I've had 5 wedding proposals and have always been extremely career oriented. Every one of these men had plenty of options. They just weren't sexist. LOL Amen sister!
Lishy Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Star, your dating life spins my head! red flags, blue flags, green flags You should get some girlfriends and go out and have a laugh and forget about men for 2 seconds Your life always seems so serious and problematic and full of second guessing and dating problems It is almost as if you serial date and then enjoy worrying about every tiny detail you talk about on that date - Do you think that you are trying to hard to find 'The One'? The harder you try to find yourelf a perfect husband, the more likely you will end up single forever! Oh and IMO (for what it is worth) I think the guy is laying down HIS ground rules to you and trying to work out if you are worth the bother. He sounds like he could be commitment phobic and that will not be a problem to begin with, as long as you dont gift wrap your heart and give it to him! Can't you just enjoy life, take yourelf less serious and know that success is not judged on being in a relationship and you do not have to be married to be happy!
Krytie TV Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Oh really? When's the last time you even opened yourself up here for criticism? January? What can I say? I guess I just decided that I had to take control of my love life on my own.
AAlike Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Star - I like this post because I WAS this guy when I met my current GF (although I am 31, not in my mid-30's, but still). No, I wasn't a virgin, and I had certainly cared about a fair amount of women...in fact I still talk to a lot of the girls that I had dated...but my longest relationship had been about five months or so - hardly an LTR - and I honestly hadn't even uttered the L word. It's like I just knew in all cases that it just wasn't the time, and/or wasn't the girl. You have to realize that love is more of an abstract concept than it is a tangible thing. Therefore, it manifests itself very differently for different types of people. Despite my own inexperience with serious relationships, I have always been able to analyze the relationships of my friends and whether they'll end up working ultimately with almost 100% accuracy - and have applied that to my own relationships as well. With my current GF, I knew that she was "it" almost immediately - and I can say for certain now (as I was beginning to wonder myself) that it wasn't that I was adverse to love or anything like that, but that I was just waiting for a logical fit, both as far as where I was at in my life and with a compatible person. Things are going quite well now, and I have had no commitment issues or anything like that. The one thing that you may need to worry about down the road if things do work out (and again, I say this from experience) is the fact that because he has not really felt the full on effects of love before, he is going to be experiencing emotions that have laid dormant for a lot longer than your average person, and because those emotions might be somewhat underdeveloped, he may handle some situations in a less than stellar manner just due to his own inexperience. That was my problem in the initial stages - I am usually a super grounded and very logically driven person, and I found myself behaving in ways that were totally out of character for me because I just wasn't used to letting my emotions drive my thoughts and actions. Granted, this was a very minor bump in the road - for the most part everything's been great...i'm just saying be patient because you need to account for the fact that all of this is uncharted territory for this dude.
Trialbyfire Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 LOL Amen sister! Certain members have agendas. So they spout nonsense based on agendas. In review of the film star examples given, there are thousands of other film stars who are married or dating women in the same field, many in the same earnings category, if not more. Total b/s.
shadowplay Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Yes, it means more likely than not he's emotionally unavailable.
grogster Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 This new guy sounds needy, Star. Right off the bat he tells you that his needs come before your professional responsibilities. That demonstrates both arrogance and stupidity. I don't know who's worse: "Shirt guy" or "Me First guy." As for all you lawyer bashers on this thread, your ignorant, stereotypical posts say it all: No class.
nicki Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I don't know. After reading the script of your conversation with this guy, I'm wondering if he said that to reassure YOU that he would put you first. The fact that he joked around with you about you not being able to see him for the week and delayed plans until Sunday, makes me think he was just flirting with you. A bit of unavailability is good thing to a guy at the beginning of things. Or he could have been making sure you two are on the same page about relationships being a priority. Maybe he's been burned by an ex who worked to the point the relationship was neglected time and time again. Or maybe he did the burning. Hard to know his intentions yet. (I know you would keep things balanced between work and personal life, but he might not know that and was looking for reassurance.) I wouldn't take it so seriously. Go out again if you had fun. If he says things that make you pause, question him. Ask him what he means by that. Some guys say lots of stuff on the first date to make you think they are one way or another, mostly what they think you want them to be. While I tend to believe what they say, I still take it with a grain of salt until I hear it again or their actions support what they say. Yellow flag only.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 I don't know. After reading the script of your conversation with this guy, I'm wondering if he said that to reassure YOU that he would put you first. The fact that he joked around with you about you not being able to see him for the week and delayed plans until Sunday, makes me think he was just flirting with you. A bit of unavailability is good thing to a guy at the beginning of things. Or he could have been making sure you two are on the same page about relationships being a priority. Maybe he's been burned by an ex who worked to the point the relationship was neglected time and time again. Or maybe he did the burning. Hard to know his intentions yet. (I know you would keep things balanced between work and personal life, but he might not know that and was looking for reassurance.) Some guys say lots of stuff on the first date to make you think they are one way or another, mostly what they think you want them to be. While I tend to believe what they say, I still take it with a grain of salt until I hear it again or their actions support what they say. Yellow flag only. Hmm... All good points. Hadn't thought if it that way... Thanks.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 What can I say? I guess I just decided that I had to take control of my love life on my own. Yeah, well I'm in control of my love life and MY sex organs function perfectly every single time...
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 You should get some girlfriends and go out and have a laugh and forget about men for 2 seconds You know, I agree with you for once, and that's partly why his commentary bothered me. I was sitting there thinking, "My work, my philanthropy, my family, my girlfriends, AND my prospective-SO are all priorities to me. I try to keep a balance. I'm not going to put ANY of them on the backburner after ONE date...I can't imagine avoiding my GFs because my BF would get mad if I didn't focus my time on him!!!" It's one thing to slowly, casually, fall-in to the whole spending-tons-of-time-with-your-partner thing, but to express the need - dare I say "requirement" - that I put HIM first on a first date.......... eeeeeeek. Oh and IMO (for what it is worth) I think the guy is laying down HIS ground rules to you and trying to work out if you are worth the bother. He sounds like he could be commitment phobic and that will not be a problem to begin with, as long as you dont gift wrap your heart and give it to him! This brings up another point. I don't remember if it was Krytie or Bones that said that there was nothing wrong with him laying down the law/boundaries early. While I agree that everyone should have and know their own boundaries, I really disagree with expressing and itemizing them while on a date. "I won't tolerate this, this, that, and the other..." I mean, that's just weird to me. Can't you just enjoy life, take yourelf less serious and know that success is not judged on being in a relationship and you do not have to be married to be happy! I don't think success is about being in a relationship. Far from it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I don't think success is about being in a relationship. Far from it. Exactly. So, as a course of action. Perhaps you should let the guy take you out one or two more times, but on your terms. I would not make him a priority in any way. The truth is that your not desperate for anything, and he needs to understand that you want someone to share your life... not be it.
Lishy Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Oh don't agree with me that is no fun! I think that as we get older and are still single we know what we want and we certainly know what we dont want. Maybe this guy had an ex who put him last and it is something he knows he could not tolerate. Maybe he said what he did just to feel you out and see if you was that kind of girl too. It could be that you cancelling the first date set warning signals off in his head? When we get burned it leaves a scar Star (poetry?) and maybe he is just scarred and has learned to eek out the things he hates before he gets emotionally involved, and maybe that is why he is sort of testing you? He has let you know that he does not give his heart easy and that sounds like a defence mechanism to me. Although it could also be taken as early signs of a controlling personality. You will not know this until you know him better. I do not know this guy so it is just a guess but I wouldnt give up on him just yet. The last guy (the shirt one ) was letting off big warning signals but this dude isn't just yet IMO.
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 The truth is that your not desperate for anything, and he needs to understand that you want someone to share your life... not be it. Key words!!!
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Oh don't agree with me that is no fun! I think that as we get older and are still single we know what we want and we certainly know what we dont want. Maybe this guy had an ex who put him last and it is something he knows he could not tolerate. Maybe he said what he did just to feel you out and see if you was that kind of girl too. It could be that you cancelling the first date set warning signals off in his head? When we get burned it leaves a scar Star (poetry?) and maybe he is just scarred and has learned to eek out the things he hates before he gets emotionally involved, and maybe that is why he is sort of testing you? He has let you know that he does not give his heart easy and that sounds like a defence mechanism to me. Although it could also be taken as early signs of a controlling personality. You will not know this until you know him better. I do not know this guy so it is just a guess but I wouldnt give up on him just yet. The last guy (the shirt one ) was letting off big warning signals but this dude isn't just yet IMO. Yeah, it had to be based on a bad experience, because it came up in response to me asking, "So, what's your pet peeve?" I gathered that he's experienced this sort of thing more than once. Admittedly, he's equally busy with work, just in a different way. He works long hours, but doesn't have absolute deadlines like I do. Anyway, he said that he ALWAYS makes time, so he doesn't understand why someone else can't. Kinda got me thinking maybe Nicki might have a good point. But still, that weird kiss was...weird.
Recommended Posts