Is THIS a red flag?

[Krytie TV]

I know this has become a SG "hugfest", but:

 

Anyway, in a round about way he mentioned that when in a relationship work-related stuff cannot come before the relationship.

 

First, it sounds like the content of what he was saying is obviously assumed by your perception (read "round about"). You can be a bit self-righteous, so I wouldn't be surprised is you're making out to be more assertive and bold than it was.

 

Second, you are hypercritical about guys early on. What's wrong with him seeking out barriers like you do? What makes him less allowed to seek "red flags"? And yes, someone who has trouble putting personal life before work life is a red flag to many stable, healthy, and well-grounded people. I think if you look back on some of your threads, you would agree that you feel the same way.

 

Third, people are allowed expectations from a partner. And yes, people other than you. If that is important to him, there is nothing wrong with him throwing that out there.

 

But, in the end, all guys are freaks and you are socially appropriate in every way. All of their wants and desires will be red flags, while all of yours are within the realm of basic human rights.

 

I just think that you will be very successful in finding fault with everyone you come across. Let me know how that's going after a few years. Or, conversely, try accepting that every person has their idiosyncracies, and you will be surprised how many of those idiosyncracies are not indicative of the person being a serial cheater, abuser, clingy, needy, dirty, pathetic, mother seeking, or any other of these things that apparently people feel every one of your dating prospects are.

[johan]

What's a black flag?

 

Orange is what comes between yellow and red. Don't you pay attention to Homeland Security Alerts? Geesh.

 

A green flag means start or start again. That's the one you wave at the start of each date.

 

A yellow flag means caution, there has been an incident.

 

A red flag means the race is called off, most likely permanently.

 

A white flag is the one you wave when you decide you love each other. Or maybe when you get engaged. Or when he's gotten the last of your clothes off. Depends how long you want the race to last I guess.

 

A checkered flag can either be climax or marriage. Whatever you're after.

 

A black flag means you need to take a break.

[Touche]

Almost none. I don't like to date lawyers!!!

 

I don't blame you. Most of them are effed up messes. My ex was a lawyer. That's why when my H told me he was one too I went like this:rolleyes: and I thought NOOOOOOOO!

 

Damn, but he's the exception.

 

Most are pompous, arrogant, self-entitled, domineering A-holes. Many are raving alcoholics and suffer from depression and/or mood swings.

 

Yeah, I'd steer clear from most of them if I were you.

[Prodigal Princess]

Most are pompous, arrogant, self-entitled, domineering A-holes. Many are raving alcoholics and suffer from depression and/or mood swings.

 

Agreed. Would never in a million years date another lawyer - or a banker, while we're at it. Same breed of bastard.

 

Having said that, I dont know many of my male colleagues who would date a female lawyer. Most are on the look out for dumb trophy wives to take care of the homestead*. So it all evens out in the end.

 

* Obviously not Touche's ex or husband!

[Untouchable_Fire]

Almost none. I don't like to date lawyers!!!

 

Actually, I meant defendants!

 

Oh, and bailiffs, and cops, and judges... ect.

 

Where are you meeting your men? It's just amazing to me how you seem to be a creep magnet.

[Star Gazer]

Alright, Star. Now it's personal!

 

And after all we've been through!!!

 

Okay, okay. I'll date a partner, just not a competitive little associate. Deal?

 

----

 

Ahhh, there you are, Krytiekins. I was looking for you to swoop in and chastise me.

 

First, it sounds like the content of what he was saying is obviously assumed by your perception (read "round about"). You can be a bit self-righteous, so I wouldn't be surprised is you're making out to be more assertive and bold than it was.

 

It wasn't my perception. He brought it up "in a round about way," but he was VERY CLEAR that it wasn't acceptable to him.

 

Here's the substance of the conversation:

 

Him: "So, what's your idea of the perfect weekend?"

Me: (I answer, and then ask him the same question. He then tells me to ask him a question.) I ask, "What's your biggest pet peeve?"

Him: "Being told that she's too busy to meet up during the week, and delaying our first date until Sunday..." (said light-heartedly, with a wink at the end).

Me: (Apologizing, explaining the situation for the third time.)

Him: "I understand work issues come up, as I'm a busy man too. Sh*t, I (blah blah blah about his own work commitments). But as far as I'm concerned, when you're in a relationship, work stuff should never get in the way. Sometimes you just have to tell you boss, 'Sorry, I have to have a life.' The person in your life should always be a priority. If you have plans, you keep the plans."

Me: "I understand what you're saying, and I try my hardest to meet my commitments. But sometimes it just cannot be helped."

 

Second, you are hypercritical about guys early on.

 

Actually, I'm really not. I have been with the past two dudes I've been on a first date with, but before that, CLEARLY I had (still do) have issues with allowing men to walk all over me, control the relationship, let me defend their poor behavior over and over and over again. C'mon, you know that's true. You've PM'd me SOOOO many times saying exactly that: "When are you going to have standards, Star?" Sheesh.

 

What's wrong with him seeking out barriers like you do? What makes him less allowed to seek "red flags"?

 

Nothing. No one said there was a problem with him seeking out red flags. But are his "requirements" reasonable? In light of the fact that he dumps everyone, has never been in love, and forced a kiss on me? I kinda don't think so.

 

And yes, someone who has trouble putting personal life before work life is a red flag to many stable, healthy, and well-grounded people. I think if you look back on some of your threads, you would agree that you feel the same way.

 

In general, of course my personal life comes before work. If given the option, my life always trumps the daily grind. But when NOT given the option - I either lose my livelihood as well as that of my client, or I meet a dude for dinner - I think the choice is obvious. If you had a patient who was about to jump off a bridge and commit suicide, are you telling me you'd look at your watch and say, "Hmm, ya know...I'd love to help you, but I have a dinner date starting in 5 minutes. Can you wait until tomorrow?" Please.

 

But, in the end, all guys are freaks and you are socially appropriate in every way. All of their wants and desires will be red flags, while all of yours are within the realm of basic human rights.

 

Condescension isn't really warranted here. I posted this question for those who KNOW my history and KNOW what I do for a living to weigh in on whether his demands and my lifestyle and personality mesh well. You keep saying it's okay...walk through the door. You're the only one saying I should proceed without caution.

 

I just think that you will be very successful in finding fault with everyone you come across. Let me know how that's going after a few years. Or, conversely, try accepting that every person has their idiosyncracies, and you will be surprised how many of those idiosyncracies are not indicative of the person being a serial cheater, abuser, clingy, needy, dirty, pathetic, mother seeking, or any other of these things that apparently people feel every one of your dating prospects are.

 

I don't find fault in idiosyncracies. I merely find incompatibility. What's wrong with looking for someone I am COMPATIBLE with? I'm not so desperate so as to walk through every open door, K. Sorry. I've got some modicum of standards.

 

I've never agreed that the dudes I meet are cheaters or abusers. EVER.

[Mary3]

It's a first date, how do you really know that is the truth?

 

I have found that often times people talk about themselves as how they would like others to view them, not how they actually are. So I have found when people talk about themselves, often times they present the opposite of they really are.

 

Like people that volunteer that they never cheat, are independent, hate drama, etc, many times they are saying this ahead of time to almost subconsciously mask whom they are.

 

Or, being dumped really isn't something great, or to be really proud of. I find it to be impossible someone in their mid 30's who dated a lot was never dumped, or never in love.

 

Sometimes if you present a strong image others see you as strong. If you present an image as getting dumped all the time, others see less value in you.

 

But this is true : I never cheat , never been cheated on.

 

Very independant , single and loving it .

 

I don't do drama , in any shape or form.

 

If I tell my date this in some future form of communication I speak the truth.

 

Just like when a man says : I don't want to get married . Believe him.

 

I don't want kids : Believe him.

 

I don't want to settle down : Believe him.

 

So why should a womans word of I am independant be taken that she is being dillusional or faking ? Unless of course you are threatened by the fact that someone might be independant , detest drama and avoid it at all costs or any other form of declaration.

 

Unless of course the man says "I am Bill Gates son , I am so filfthy rich and I burn dollar bills in the winter for fireword. " That might perk my NOT interested meter.

[Star Gazer]

Actually, I meant defendants!

 

Oh, and bailiffs, and cops, and judges... ect.

 

Where are you meeting your men? It's just amazing to me how you seem to be a creep magnet.

 

Oh, no. I certainly wouldn't date a party to one of my cases!!!

 

I have dated several cops though. I find a man in uniform with a gun super sex-ay!

 

I meet them everywhere. I pretty much always accept a first date invitation, unless I ABSOLUTELY do not find them attractive.

[johan]

I ... are.

 

You have a complicated relationship with Star, don't you.

[Trialbyfire]

Agreed. Would never in a million years date another lawyer - or a banker, while we're at it. Same breed of bastard.

 

Having said that, I dont know many of my male colleagues who would date a female lawyer. Most are on the look out for dumb trophy wives to take care of the homestead*. So it all evens out in the end.

 

* Obviously not Touche's ex or husband!

Pssst...Touche's husbands thought they were getting a trophy wife but ended up with a real wife!

[Krytie TV]

You have a complicated relationship with Star, don't you.

Not really. We both like to dish it out and have a hard time taking it.

[sfsassy]

It wasn't my perception. He brought it up "in a round about way," but he was VERY CLEAR that it wasn't acceptable to him.

 

Here's the substance of the conversation:

 

Him: "So, what's your idea of the perfect weekend?"

Me: (I answer, and then ask him the same question. He then tells me to ask him a question.) I ask, "What's your biggest pet peeve?"

Him: "Being told that she's too busy to meet up during the week, and delaying our first date until Sunday..." (said light-heartedly, with a wink at the end).

Me: (Apologizing, explaining the situation for the third time.)

Him: "I understand work issues come up, as I'm a busy man too. Sh*t, I (blah blah blah about his own work commitments). But as far as I'm concerned, when you're in a relationship, work stuff should never get in the way. Sometimes you just have to tell you boss, 'Sorry, I have to have a life.' The person in your life should always be a priority. If you have plans, you keep the plans."

Me: "I understand what you're saying, and I try my hardest to meet my commitments. But sometimes it just cannot be helped."

 

 

 

.\

Yes, the guy wasn't just bringing it up in a casual sort of way, but making a point. He so wanted you to ask that question. I also don't like guys who prompt you to ask questions. Don't get me wrong, I loveeeee asking and answering questions on dates, but when someone prompts me, I feel put on the spot.

My ex used to make "light hearted" comments like that. (about being a bit late, which due to complicated circumstances I had really no control over.) Anyway, later it turned out he was pi**** about it. Again, I allowed enough time, but when my ride is a hour and a half late, yes, it changes my schedule a bit! Anyway, I would say he isn't worh it, unless you constantly want to remind him why you must not dimsiss your clients' needs.

[bones1]

Maybe start dating once work settles down and you actually have time for a relationship. Then their is no conflict and work can come first..

[Touche]

Pssst...Touche's husbands thought they were getting a trophy wife but ended up with a real wife!

 

Oh now you hush, sistah. Can't a woman be BOTH?

 

And on topic:

 

If you're already on the defensive...forget it SG. I'd say "Buh bye, brutha!"

[Trialbyfire]

Oh now you hush, sistah. Can't a woman be BOTH?

 

And on topic:

 

If you're already on the defensive...forget it SG. I'd say "Buh bye, brutha!"

Yes she can!

 

"Buh bye brutha" or "Let them go!"?

 

Shake the dirt off your shoes so they're always shiny and clean! Of course, as Touche so aptly put to me, you have to keep some of the dirt, at least once!

 

But make sure it's good dirt, the type that's fertile so you can nurture and grow a healthy relationship in it.

[Star Gazer]

Maybe start dating once work settles down and you actually have time for a relationship. Then their is no conflict and work can come first..

 

It never settles down. That's the nature of litigation.

[Touche]

Yes she can!

 

"Buh bye brutha" or "Let them go!"?

 

Shake the dirt off your shoes so they're always shiny and clean! Of course, as Touche so aptly put to me, you have to keep some of the dirt, at least once!

 

But make sure it's good dirt, the type that's fertile so you can nurture and grow a healthy relationship in it.

 

You do know that the best "black gold" has just a little manure in it, right? (Ask any gardener.)

 

But it's well-aged manure. It's seasoned and doesn't stink.

 

I don't know of too many people's shyt that doesn't stink. But yeah, some people's are actually tolerable.

 

(H always tells me my shyt doesn't stink..or did he say that I thought it didn't? Hmmmm.)

[Star Gazer]

Not really. We both like to dish it out and have a hard time taking it.

 

Oh really? When's the last time you even opened yourself up here for criticism? January?

[Touche]

It never settles down. That's the nature of litigation.

 

We've been through this, SG. Not true. Or not always true anyway.

[bones1]

Well look at it this way. Not everyone is entitled to a relationship. If your work "comes first",then you are with your true love.

 

You may say there is a double standard. However,traditionally men spend their money on women, so many women are more comfortable taking a back seat to a man's career. This starts while dating, all the way through to taking care of your wife when she is pregnant, and raising your children, etc.

 

So unless you are taking men out, buying them gifts, paying on dates, paying on vacations, why should they wait around and be patient while you work?

 

Most men want a woman that is available, not one immersed in her career.

[Art_Critic]

Well look at it this way. Not everyone is entitled to a relationship. If your work "comes first",then you are with your true love.

 

Oh come on...

 

Who doesn't put their career first at times ?.. We all do.. this was a first date..

 

I'm married with a child and I can honestly tell you that my job comes first if it calls for it.. With more than one mortgage and bills to pay you have to do what you have to do...

 

I only work 40 or so hours.. maybe 50 during a busy season but if a client calls and tells me their job has to be on press in the morning and my wife and I had plans to eat dinner at Longhorns I can tell you the client wins..

 

It isn't harsh.. people with clients have responsibilities that go beyond a normal job...

 

There is a flip side to it as well.. when my family needs me I will be there.. my job will be put aside and my family will come first but it is hard to believe that both would need to be first at the same time...

 

I believe that they go back and forth in the first priority slot all the time...

[Trialbyfire]

Oh come on...

 

Who doesn't put their career first at times ?.. We all do.. this was a first date..

 

I'm married with a child and I can honestly tell you that my job comes first if it calls for it.. With more than one mortgage and bills to pay you have to do what you have to do...

 

I only work 40 or so hours.. maybe 50 during a busy season but if a client calls and tells me their job has to be on press in the morning and my wife and I had plans to eat dinner at Longhorns I can tell you the client wins..

 

It isn't harsh.. people with clients have responsibilities that go beyond a normal job...

 

There is a flip side to it as well.. when my family needs me I will be there.. my job will be put aside and my family will come first but it is hard to believe that both would need to be first at the same time...

 

I believe that they go back and forth in the first priority slot all the time...

A far, far more balanced approached.

 

I sometimes work all nighters, when a deadline hits. If my family or friends need me in an emergency, I would also drop everything for them.

[Touche]

Well look at it this way. Not everyone is entitled to a relationship. If your work "comes first",then you are with your true love.

 

You may say there is a double standard. However,traditionally men spend their money on women, so many women are more comfortable taking a back seat to a man's career. This starts while dating, all the way through to taking care of your wife when she is pregnant, and raising your children, etc.

 

So unless you are taking men out, buying them gifts, paying on dates, paying on vacations, why should they wait around and be patient while you work?

 

Most men want a woman that is available, not one immersed in her career.

 

Wow, ridiculous.

 

No. Are you kidding me with this? My H had loans out the wazoo when we met. I paid for our wedding and our honeymoon, and I paid for all the bills associated with our having a child (we had no insurance then.) I helped pay down on our mortgage with extra payments when I was working and I helped pay off his loans from law school.

 

Wow, I could go on and on.

 

My H didn't expect me to be around for him whenever he wanted when I was working and he doesn't now that I work from home. Who would want someone like that?

 

Why do you even presume to speak for "most men." And what makes you think that SG wouldn't contribute financially.

 

Lots of assumptions made in your post.

[Star Gazer]

We've been through this, SG. Not true. Or not always true anyway.

 

I disagree, whole heartedly, Touche. Your hubby works for himself, he can control his workload. Associates cannot.

[bones1]

Art, I agree. Work is very important.

 

However, you are a man supporting a family. As I explained, there is a double standard.

 

Your post would not sound nearly as good coming from your wife. What if she posted "Sorry, work becomes before my family" That sounds completely different if it were to come from a wife with children.

 

Secondly, on a first date, I would be put off if a woman said that so brazenly. I would think she might have a chip on her shoulders. Especially if it was a first date she already postponed.

 

And from the man's point of view, what does he have in it for him? She might be very busy all week, and of course then busy on weekends. Is that the type of relationship most men want to jump into? Maybe see a woman he likes a once or twice a month?

 

In this day and age he can jump online and meet 20 women in that same month. As she said the life a a litigator NEVER settles down. So if work comes first,and she states it so proudly, it doesn't seem like that guy will get much attention.