Star Gazer Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I think I'm getting a wee bit better identifying red flags, but I could still use your insight. Had a first date with a guy tonight. Had a lovely time. During the course of dinner, he mentioned that he's never been in love and never had his heart broken. He's in his mid-30's. He claims he was a "late bloomer," has always been the one doing the breaking up, and seems very self-assured. Is this weird, or am I just in the unenviable position of being in love and being crushed so badly that I cannot imagine what it's like to be in his shoes? Would you be concerned at all? Do you see any problems with this, knowing my history?
Calisto Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Slow down. Wait until your 3rd date to start worrying.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 It's just a yellow one, SG. That's what I was thinking, but why do you think it's a flag at all? I think it's more problematic for ME because of my history than it is a problem inherent within him...if that makes sense.
Prodigal Princess Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I'd say the mast is up but no flag is yet flying. So I agree with your last post. You probably put yourself out there more than most, so you're more likely to have been in love and had your heart broken than most, as well. You also might consider the possibility that he was being a bit of a man with his comments, not wanting to admit that he has been emotionally entangled at some point...
Jilly Bean Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 That's what I was thinking, but why do you think it's a flag at all? I think it's more problematic for ME because of my history than it is a problem inherent within him...if that makes sense. Well, because of what he had to say and his stats. 1 - mid-30's and never been in love? It just raises a wee flag as it makes me wonder why not. Is it because he's not capable of loving? 2 - he says he always does the dumping. That also makes me wonder if he does that before he gets too close, and therefore has been able to avoid any real intimacy, ergo, being in love. Bottom line, I'd rather be involved with a guy who told me he has had his heart broken and throws himself out there for love (like you), than tell me he always dumps the girl and has never been in love. But, that's me. I am sure others will say to leap forward. I'm not saying NOT to, just continue to be cautious. Also Star, my bro taught me something LONG ago that has always rung true. That is that people will tell you how they will break up (or how things will end) with you during the first two weeks of knowing them. We just tend to gloss over these signs...glad to see you are proceeding with eyes wide open...
johan Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Welcome to the land of the gun-shy. I'm sure you wouldn't feel any better if he had said that he had had his heart broken many times and he continually chooses wrong people to get involved with. And he hangs on until all hope is lost.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 I'd say the mast is up but no flag is yet flying. So I agree with your last post. You probably put yourself out there more than most, so you're more likely to have been in love and had your heart broken than most, as well. Yup, I totally do. I bounce back up and try again...always the same result though. Trying to change that. You also might consider the possibility that he was being a bit of a man with his comments, not wanting to admit that he has been emotionally entangled at some point... He did admit that he's been "hurt" in the past, and I sensed a bit of machismo there... so it's possible. 1 - mid-30's and never been in love? It just raises a wee flag as it makes me wonder why not. Is it because he's not capable of loving? 2 - he says he always does the dumping. That also makes me wonder if he does that before he gets too close, and therefore has been able to avoid any real intimacy, ergo, being in love. Could be either. I'm not sure which one is worse. Bottom line, I'd rather be involved with a guy who told me he has had his heart broken and throws himself out there for love (like you), than tell me he always dumps the girl and has never been in love. See, I have a problem with both perspectives. The former makes me think of desperation, and the latter a cold heart. Ha! I guess I just called the both of us desperate!! (I know we're not, I'm just sayin'...) Also Star, my bro taught me something LONG ago that has always rung true. That is that people will tell you how they will break up (or how things will end) with you during the first two weeks of knowing them. We just tend to gloss over these signs...glad to see you are proceeding with eyes wide open... Very, very interesting, JB. I can agree with that statement as far as both alkie and military boy are concerned.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 I'm sure you wouldn't feel any better if he had said that he had had his heart broken many times and he continually chooses wrong people to get involved with. And he hangs on until all hope is lost. Like me?
johan Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Well.... not sure... I advise you to wait until you see the big problem he's hiding from you. What he described is probably more a warning that he isn't much of a kisser.
Jilly Bean Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 What he described is probably more a warning that he isn't much of a kisser. And you don't consider THAT a red flag? Early dates are interviews, SG. And so far, you are doing a great job at reading between the lines. Don't convict him yet, but continue to stay aware... Good job.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 Thanks, JB. I don't want to be too critical, but I'm through with being willfully blind...
Jilly Bean Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Thanks, JB. I don't want to be too critical, but I'm through with being willfully blind... Being too critical would be getting up in the middle of dinner and telling him it wasn't going to work out, and taking a cab home. You are merely asking the questions you should at this point. You're not making any permanent decisions at this point, just questioning his story. Nothing wrong with that.
D-Lish Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Also Star, my bro taught me something LONG ago that has always rung true. That is that people will tell you how they will break up (or how things will end) with you during the first two weeks of knowing them. We just tend to gloss over these signs...glad to see you are proceeding with eyes wide open How true. People really do give good indicators in the first few weeks. The last serious relationship I had- the guy revealed how much hatred and contempt he had for his ex's.... they were all WRONG about everything and he spoke with such contempt for them. He broke up with me in the same manner he had broken up with his ex's... and had the same contempt and complaints about me when we broke up. That is a sign I look for now. If a guy speaks horribly about his ex's when I first meet him- I see it as a red flag. Conversely- he might just be acting macho by saying he has never been in love... if he admits he has been hurt, then it stands to reason he is capable of investing. I would see it as a problem if he is in his 30's and never truly been in love... but he may just not be speaking the whole truth when he says that. I know I don't always reveal the truth about the extent to which I have been hurt when I first start dating someone. I have even pulled some mach crap myself so I don't appear vulnerable to someone I don't know very well. I wouldn't walk away just yet- I see it as a "yellow" flag as well- something to keep in mind. I'd just proceed with caution and take it one date at a time. If he has been hurt before- that is a good indicator that he is capable of investing, or has invested in the past- so that contrdicts his other statement about never being in love and always being the dumper. I think it's too soon to tell...
Balthazar Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I always prefer to enjoy the first dates with somebody new and not worry about colored flags. If a woman says something disagreeable I will question her about it, but to my mind, during first dates, topics should veer away from very heavy subjects. By saying he was/is a late bloomer, he may be alluding to his sexual experiences. He may be a virgin, and/or may have never been in a serious relationship. This would explain some of the things he has said. In any case, if you like this guy, don't worry too much and enjoy your time together. I'm pretty sure things will become clearer after a few more dates. CHeers,
grogster Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 The man said nothing prima facie disqualifying. On first dates many guys want to show confidence and desirability. Unless he's advertising the fact that he's a serial killer (or "abusive" ), avoid overanalyzing his text. Parse less; play more. Relax. The peacock was merely spreading his plumage.
bones1 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 It's a first date, how do you really know that is the truth? I have found that often times people talk about themselves as how they would like others to view them, not how they actually are. So I have found when people talk about themselves, often times they present the opposite of they really are. Like people that volunteer that they never cheat, are independent, hate drama, etc, many times they are saying this ahead of time to almost subconsciously mask whom they are. Or, being dumped really isn't something great, or to be really proud of. I find it to be impossible someone in their mid 30's who dated a lot was never dumped, or never in love. Sometimes if you present a strong image others see you as strong. If you present an image as getting dumped all the time, others see less value in you.
imbewildered Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 That's what I was thinking, but why do you think it's a flag at all? I think it's more problematic for ME because of my history than it is a problem inherent within him...if that makes sense. It means NOTHING. He is telling you his history thats all . PLease do not absorb the mistrust and suspicion of others here who were NOT on that date with you, You are one of the sensible women here. JUst go out and enjoy your dates without the suit of armor.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 The man said nothing prima facie disqualifying. :lmao: Agreed.
Author Star Gazer Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 If a woman says something disagreeable I will question her about it, but to my mind, during first dates, topics should veer away from very heavy subjects. There wasn't any heavy subjects. In fact, I can't even remember how it came up... I think it was something along the lines of him asking me the cliched question, "How's a girl like you single?" and I returned the question. It was all really light hearted. By saying he was/is a late bloomer, he may be alluding to his sexual experiences. He may be a virgin, and/or may have never been in a serious relationship. This would explain some of the things he has said. I highly doubt he's a virgin... His relationship history will come to light eventually, if he gets that far!
Art_Critic Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I always prefer to enjoy the first dates with somebody new and not worry about colored flags. If a woman says something disagreeable I will question her about it, but to my mind, during first dates, topics should veer away from very heavy subjects. By saying he was/is a late bloomer, he may be alluding to his sexual experiences. He may be a virgin, and/or may have never been in a serious relationship. This would explain some of the things he has said. In any case, if you like this guy, don't worry too much and enjoy your time together. I'm pretty sure things will become clearer after a few more dates. CHeers, I really like Balthazar's post and couldn't have worded it any better...
Balthazar Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I really like Balthazar's post and couldn't have worded it any better... Thanks Art. Coming from a LS-er like yourself, that makes me feel rather fine!
Trialbyfire Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Yes Star, it is a red flag. Any guy who has never fallen in love by the time he reaches his mid-thirties, will either have intimacy, commitment or control issues.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I think I'm getting a wee bit better identifying red flags, but I could still use your insight. Pay more attention right now to what he does... not what he says. At the moment just take things slow and don't overthing... or underthink things. How true. People really do give good indicators in the first few weeks. If he has been hurt before- that is a good indicator that he is capable of investing, or has invested in the past- so that contrdicts his other statement about never being in love and always being the dumper. I think it's too soon to tell... It's not just the first two weeks. Always pay attention, because most poeple are really not that good at hiding who they truly are. You have a good point about being hurt. It shows he can be emotionally invested. He may be very truthful about never being dumped... you can be hurt by someone without getting dumped. The man said nothing prima facie disqualifying. On a side note... That almost won me a state title in Mock Trial back in high school. Gotta love that latin legal terms.
grogster Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 "On a side note... That almost won me a state title in Mock Trial back in high school. Gotta love that latin legal terms." I was just playing with SG--lawyer to lawyer. Ya gotta find amusement somewhere. As for almost winning a state title, that's impressive. Many litigators have no idea how to construct and deliver a persuasive oral argument. It's sad to watch sometimes--unless the guy or gal is your opponent.
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