In Pain

[Owl]

Yes, there were/are many problem areas in the marriage. No matter what he would NEVER go to couples therapy with me. Not an option for him.

 

Tell him about the affair, and it'll be the first place he wants to go, if he chooses to rebuild the marriage.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, there were/are many problem areas in the marriage. No matter what he would NEVER go to couples therapy with me. Not an option for him.

 

Choices..So he refused to do counselling with you, did you tell him HOW unhappy you were and that you were thinking divorce? Not saying ultimatums are a good thing, but if he knew how close you were to having an affair (before the A started) then maybe if given the chance, he would've woken up and done a 180, tried harder to save the marriage instead of ignoring the problems which inturn made you feel like you had to go outside of your marriage.

[Kamikaze]

I've been on this forum and others for almost four years now. I've been through a lot in my own life, and have seen literally hundreds, if not thousands of similar stories, and how they unfolded.

 

I can tell you that the stiuations differ only slightly, and very, very rarely do the dynamics in them differ enough to warrant taking a drastically different action like not telling the truth.

 

No one can predict the future...but we can all "play the odds". Why don't you close your eyes and walk across the street with them closed? Because the "odds" are, you'll be hit by a car for your troubles.

 

We CAN predict, with a reasonable amount of accuracy, how your story will play out, depending on your actions.

 

Even your comment about situations being different...I've seen it TONS of times on tons of similar threads on this very same forum.

 

Your desire not to tell your H...EXACT SAME THING. The arguments you use...exactly the same.

 

These things play out like movie scripts...in nearly every case. Very, VERY rarely you see something unique. In four years, I've seen less than a handful of situations that were unusual enough to make a difference in the outcome.

 

 

Owoman, seriously, I've not seen ANYTHING in this post to show me that there's any "unique" reason why Kami SHOULDN'T tell. I know you're an advocate for the "every situation is different" viewpoint...and you well know I'm not.

 

I still feel that confusing the message with delivering it are TWO SEPERATE THINGS.

 

The affair is there...the damage is DONE.

 

The damage done to the person who was cheated on was the LIES AND DECEPTIONS that enabled the affair to go on. Not telling...is simply a continuation of that. Everyday that her H isn't told...the affair continues, in his viewpoint. It won't lessen the blow if he hears about it five years from now. It'll be the same thing as if it had just happened.

 

I won't push this any further.

 

Your experince is why I asked for help to begin with. What I have not seen here is the alternative outcome. If I tell my husband and he hunts the OM down and does harm to him - or worse - then what? Who has this helped?

[Tomcat33]

I've been on this forum and others for almost four years now. I've been through a lot in my own life, and have seen literally hundreds, if not thousands of similar stories, and how they unfolded.

 

I can tell you that the stiuations differ only slightly, and very, very rarely do the dynamics in them differ enough to warrant taking a drastically different action like not telling the truth.

 

No one can predict the future...but we can all "play the odds". Why don't you close your eyes and walk across the street with them closed? Because the "odds" are, you'll be hit by a car for your troubles.

 

We CAN predict, with a reasonable amount of accuracy, how your story will play out, depending on your actions.

 

Even your comment about situations being different...I've seen it TONS of times on tons of similar threads on this very same forum.

 

Your desire not to tell your H...EXACT SAME THING. The arguments you use...exactly the same.

 

These things play out like movie scripts...in nearly every case. Very, VERY rarely you see something unique. In four years, I've seen less than a handful of situations that were unusual enough to make a difference in the outcome.

 

 

Owoman, seriously, I've not seen ANYTHING in this post to show me that there's any "unique" reason why Kami SHOULDN'T tell. I know you're an advocate for the "every situation is different" viewpoint...and you well know I'm not.

 

I still feel that confusing the message with delivering it are TWO SEPERATE THINGS.

 

The affair is there...the damage is DONE.

 

The damage done to the person who was cheated on was the LIES AND DECEPTIONS that enabled the affair to go on. Not telling...is simply a continuation of that. Everyday that her H isn't told...the affair continues, in his viewpoint. It won't lessen the blow if he hears about it five years from now. It'll be the same thing as if it had just happened.

 

I won't push this any further.

 

OWL, while the stance you take for your advocacy given how much pain it must have caused you to be betrayed, I can see why you would use your painful experience to passionately discourage others from hurting those that are in similar shoes to yours. I get your passion I really do! I was in your shoes once I know what it feels like to be betrayed and have all your dreams and the image of the person you love deteriorate right infront of your very eyes.

 

 

BUT we have to take into account that every situation is unique to the individuals living it. We can give straight forward advice on what we feel is the correct thing to do given what we would like done to us or even what we would do in said situation but that is not taking into accoun what is realistic to said individuals. Yes there are right and wrong ways of doing things, but sometimes what seems right to us is just not so for others.

And I know you will argue that right is right and wrong is wrong, but and YES I will give you that, but the repercutions of choices a person makes is to be dealt with by that individual, in what they see (having a full and open grand scope of their reality) is best for them.

[Tomcat33]

Your experince is why I asked for help to begin with. What I have not seen here is the alternative outcome. If I tell my husband and he hunts the OM down and does harm to him - or worse - then what? Who has this helped?

 

 

Personally I could lnot ive with myself knowing I told a complete stranger whom I have no real picture of what their reality is to do something that could jeapodize their health or put them in the hands of physical harm.

That is too much responsibility.

 

more than likely you won't be hurt or no one will but if you suspect this there is reason why you do....

[Kamikaze]

You must not have felt too guilty during the cheating. And if your MM hadn't decided to go back to his W, you would still be cheating. I'm confused where guilt comes into play here.

 

I call BS on that. It's not that you feel you should face your guilt alone, it's because you want to keep your options open and if your H knew the truth, HE might close that door FOR you.

 

If he closed the door. That would make my decision too easy!

[Tomcat33]

If he closed the door. That would make my decision too easy!

 

 

Would you want that? That he make the decision for you?

[OWoman]

OK, back to:

 

How do I get through this and move on with my life?

 

You said:

 

Right now I just want to hurt him as much as he has hurt me!!!!!

 

I can understand the need for revenge... but while it might help with the "get through this" bit, it won't help with the "move on with my life" part. Revenge typically helps one reclaim that sense of agency, that sense of being able to have an impact and that sense of regaining control after having been on the receiving end. That can be empowering.

 

But... revenge is seldom without consequences. Either in terms of direct reaction it provokes (upping the ante, pissing him and / or his W off so that they in turn feel a need to strike back at you) or in terms of your own responses and feelings. You're dealing with guilt now - down the track, if you've struck back in anger and done something in revenge, how will you feel about adding that to your ****list? Not so good, I'd guess. Do you really want more to feel bad about?

 

The other risk with revenge is exactly what you said earlier - no one can predict the future. Revenge tends to burn bridges and you may well want to those bridges later. You got dumped and you're in pain - you sound pretty invested to me. Perhaps somewhere you're still holding out hope that there's some future for you and your MM... Do you really want to blast any such possibility out of the water? Hey, perhaps you do - I'm not saying you should or shouldn't either way - but it is something you need to consider, before rather than after.

 

On the more general "how to get through it" note, though - Silk has posted some ideas. I'm far more shallow where these things are concerned. I've never been dumped, so perhaps the disappointments I've lived through aren't quite on the same scale, but I tend to hit the hormones. Put on music - LOUD - and sing along, off key, drunken if that's what it takes to loosen those inhibitions. The cheesier the music, the better. Dance - it gets your endorphins going and boosts your serotonin levels. If you're worried your H will think you've lost it, rustle up a friend or two and hit a club. (Just don't hit on anyone at the club - that will only make things worse in the long run...) Spend the night with your head in a bucket if necessary - sufficient water and a couple of aspirin should see you right afterward.

 

Then... you kayak? Hit the water. Out there alone, especially if the wind is heavy and it's a real struggle, you'll reconnect with elemental truths and no one will notice your tears. Feel your pain, wallow in it and let it wrack you until you feel exhausted. Go home and collapse on your bed and let the exhaustion whisk you off.

 

Rinse and repeat as necessary.

[Kamikaze]

Personally I could lnot ive with myself knowing I told a complete stranger whom I have no real picture of what their reality is to do something that could jeapodize their health or put them in the hands of physical harm.

That is too much responsibility.

 

more than likely you won't be hurt or no one will but if you suspect this there is reason why you do....

 

I have every reason to believe that my H would and could harm him in some way physically. That I could not live with.

[Kamikaze]

Would you want that? That he make the decision for you?

 

No. It has to be my decision.

[whichwayisup]

I have every reason to believe that my H would and could harm him in some way physically. That I could not live with.

 

Did you think this way about your husband, that he would be capable of doing something harmful and physical to someone else before you had the A with the MM? See, him finding out on his own or the MM's wife telling him WILL make it worse.

[Tomcat33]

No. It has to be my decision.

 

 

You mean ending the relationship has to be your decision?

[Kamikaze]

You mean ending the relationship has to be your decision?

 

Whether I stay in the marriage or not is my decision. If H finds out then he has the control to change the decision for me - and so be it. But, for right now - this moment - I have to decide what is right for me.

[Kamikaze]

OK, back to:

 

 

 

You said:

 

 

 

I can understand the need for revenge... but while it might help with the "get through this" bit, it won't help with the "move on with my life" part. Revenge typically helps one reclaim that sense of agency, that sense of being able to have an impact and that sense of regaining control after having been on the receiving end. That can be empowering.

 

But... revenge is seldom without consequences. Either in terms of direct reaction it provokes (upping the ante, pissing him and / or his W off so that they in turn feel a need to strike back at you) or in terms of your own responses and feelings. You're dealing with guilt now - down the track, if you've struck back in anger and done something in revenge, how will you feel about adding that to your ****list? Not so good, I'd guess. Do you really want more to feel bad about?

 

The other risk with revenge is exactly what you said earlier - no one can predict the future. Revenge tends to burn bridges and you may well want to those bridges later. You got dumped and you're in pain - you sound pretty invested to me. Perhaps somewhere you're still holding out hope that there's some future for you and your MM... Do you really want to blast any such possibility out of the water? Hey, perhaps you do - I'm not saying you should or shouldn't either way - but it is something you need to consider, before rather than after.

 

On the more general "how to get through it" note, though - Silk has posted some ideas. I'm far more shallow where these things are concerned. I've never been dumped, so perhaps the disappointments I've lived through aren't quite on the same scale, but I tend to hit the hormones. Put on music - LOUD - and sing along, off key, drunken if that's what it takes to loosen those inhibitions. The cheesier the music, the better. Dance - it gets your endorphins going and boosts your serotonin levels. If you're worried your H will think you've lost it, rustle up a friend or two and hit a club. (Just don't hit on anyone at the club - that will only make things worse in the long run...) Spend the night with your head in a bucket if necessary - sufficient water and a couple of aspirin should see you right afterward.

 

Then... you kayak? Hit the water. Out there alone, especially if the wind is heavy and it's a real struggle, you'll reconnect with elemental truths and no one will notice your tears. Feel your pain, wallow in it and let it wrack you until you feel exhausted. Go home and collapse on your bed and let the exhaustion whisk you off.

 

Rinse and repeat as necessary.

 

Thanks! Right now I have no hopes for anything other than to get through today - and if that doesn't happen - well so be it!

[Tomcat33]

Whether I stay in the marriage or not is my decision. If H finds out then he has the control to change the decision for me - and so be it. But, for right now - this moment - I have to decide what is right for me.

 

 

Ok that's what I thought you meant. Ok so then some of those who spoke here are right, why do you feel it is your right to decide the outcome of your marriage, are you not married TO another person?

You may have to seriously consider this notion.

 

But again, at your pace, you know best.

[Tomcat33]

Thanks! Right now I have no hopes for anything other than to get through today - and if that doesn't happen - well so be it!

 

 

That's understandable, you just lost someone you really cared about.

 

You will get through this even if it feels like you won't.

[bentnotbroken]

Whether I stay in the marriage or not is my decision. If H finds out then he has the control to change the decision for me - and so be it. But, for right now - this moment - I have to decide what is right for me.

 

 

And your H.

[luvmy2ns]

Were you always as selfish as you come across and maybe that's why communication broke down between you and your H, or did you become that way over time and out of necessity?

[Owl]

If you have reason to believe that your H will harm OM, then you need to coordinate with your OM and his wife to take measures to let them protect themselves.

 

Your H WILL find out about this eventually. I'm telling you...it almost always comes out in some fashion.

 

You're faced with the same dilemma as my wife was. She was HORRIBLY scared for OM on the day I found out. She knows full well my background, where I've been and what I've done. She begged and pleaded with him to take it seriously.

 

I chose not to do anything.

 

Your H MIGHT choose differently. But I've got to tell you, right now, YOU are the one who can determine how this plays out, by controlling how/when he learns about it, and what protective measures are in place.

 

Would you rather he found out about it six months from now when your MM and his wife are clueless as to what's going on, and have no way to know that he's learned about it?

 

Wouldn't it be better to take steps to ensure a better outcome???

 

Its up to you...but either way, recognize he's going to learn the truth. How he learns the truth, and what he does immediately afterward are things you can only control if you TAKE control of that situation. If you don't tell, and he finds out by some other means...there's no mitigation to save a life in that event.

 

I can appreciate your concern. Depending on your H's background, he may well be able to carry out something against MM if he chooses to. Work out a way to minimize the damage to EVERYONE involved.

[Mino]

I have walked in your shoes honey. I threw those dirty yucky shoes AWAY and the only way you will be able to do that is to look at yourself straight and honestly in the mirror. Doesn't sound like you're doing that. I am judging your actions, which unfortunately we as people are defined as. Change your actions and you will start to change your character. Not that it sounds like you want to.

Nadia , you are not being very nice to her. Did you not read that she is in pain. You say you have no advice for her, so why bother posting if all you can be is hateful? You say you dont judge her, but her actions. Well you actions can be judged, your throwing stones at someone, who shoes you been in before( only for a short period). Maybe you should go to the mirror right now, and look and see the character flaw you are presenting. Is this how you make yourself "feel" better? Does this bagering erase your past? or make you feel better that you need to impress the bs on this board? I am happy that you were able to walk away after being an "ow for a few months" But understand this, women who have been in LTR for years, we do have our hearts alittle more involved, something you will never understand. You didnt reach to that level.. Good for you... But please if you cant say anything postive to a person in pain, dont bother. makes you look like your lacking in character even more.

[Kamikaze]

Thank you OWL. This is what I am planning to do.

[White Flower]

Kamikaze,

 

Welcome to LS and I'm sorry for your pain. Did you say you were involved with MM for only 3 months? And you are so hurt that you want revenge. I'm sorry if I misread that in advance, but 3 months seems like a short time to be so invested.

 

My exMM has been married about the same time as yours and is travelling soon like yours. Let me tell you this: a MM will never D after being married that long. He has his reputation as a family man and that is very important to him. He probably sought out a MW because you were safer, less likely to have disease, and probably would not demand him to D. Sorry, been there done that.

 

If you have subscribed to LS please feel free to PM me. Otherwise, put in 500 posts quickly so that you earn PM rights. Our stories are too similar.

[Kamikaze]

Kamikaze,

 

Welcome to LS and I'm sorry for your pain. Did you say you were involved with MM for only 3 months? And you are so hurt that you want revenge. I'm sorry if I misread that in advance, but 3 months seems like a short time to be so invested.

 

My exMM has been married about the same time as yours and is travelling soon like yours. Let me tell you this: a MM will never D after being married that long. He has his reputation as a family man and that is very important to him. He probably sought out a MW because you were safer, less likely to have disease, and probably would not demand him to D. Sorry, been there done that.

 

If you have subscribed to LS please feel free to PM me. Otherwise, put in 500 posts quickly so that you earn PM rights. Our stories are too similar.

 

No, we actually knew each other 20+ years ago and fell in love then (both married then too). Fast forward to 2008 and we met back up last July - but, this time we have been much closer emotionally, much more in love, and both feel we were meant to end up together. Strange.

[Kamikaze]

No, we actually knew each other 20+ years ago and fell in love then (both married then too). Fast forward to 2008 and we met back up last July - but, this time we have been much closer emotionally, much more in love, and both feel we were meant to end up together. Strange.

 

I work for a man who was married 42 years and divorced - not for another woman though.

[White Flower]

I work for a man who was married 42 years and divorced - not for another woman though.

Ah! I see. I re-read your original post.

 

Good luck with everything. It really sucks when they travel together, I know.