KatanaRamirez Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 Hi, my boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years now and we've had and have our problems, like all relationships I suppose we've had our ups and downs. What I actually want is someone elses opinion and to be able to talk to someone about my relationship issues. Here's a few things that I'm talking about: My boyfriend maintains that he's never cheated on me but since we've been together he's received messages from other girls (which he always has an explanation for either someone else has borrowed his phone or some girl was getting hassled by another guy and him and his friends came to the rescue, phone numbers apparently being exchanged in case she got herself into any more trouble). I've also found messages asking girls come out and saying that they were attractive (not in those words), these messages he says are always written by his friends according to him, which I do believe is true for at least some as I've seen his friends borrow his phone for this sort of stuff while I've been out with him. The latest message I found he did write but said it was a joke to make one of his friends jealous, the message: got some strippers keen as for some ding dong" (disgusting). We've also had a lot of porn related problems, when our relationship got serious I wanted him to give up the porn but all he did was try and hide it, whenever I found it I was always accussed of snooping through his stuff ( I guess this is kind of true , the 1st message he got from a girl he showed me, giving me reason to check his phone, the 1st mags I found were in his draw I found them while putting away washing) I know he buys porn now and he knows I know, he also knows I don't like it. A big porn issue that happened recently was over $3000 worth of mobile phone porn ordered by him on a phone thats in my name that he promised not to buy porn with. I'm pretty sure he's an addict. Whenever we argue everything is always my fault, he yells and calls me names. One notable arguement took place after he came home from celebrating the birth of a friends child, I had no problem with him going out, I sent him a message while he was out saying that I left the screen door unlocked for him (he has a front door key but not a screen door key) I got no reply and went to bed, when he came home he ended u breaking in through a window because he didn't have his keys, he accused me of locking him out deliberately, he yelled at me called me names, spat on me and when I packed my stuff to leave he pulled me back into the house and I landed against the wall hitting my head and hurting my back, he immeadiatly said he was sorry but when I didn't forgive him right away he got more angry and kept on telling me that if I'm so scared of him I should call the police. We don't talk about any relationship issues as whenever they get brought up he just gets angry and yells. I pretty much just have to keep stuff to myself, I don't really have any friends to talk to either. He breaks a lot of promises, ie I promise I'll fix this for you on the weekend, I ask on the weekend when he's going to fix whatever and he always replies well now he's not going to fix it since I mentioned it, if I don't mention it it still doesnt get done. Things are okay a lot of the time but I have to keep a lot bottled up. Sorry for the length of this post.
Author KatanaRamirez Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 OK, welcome And, you're with this guy...why? I care about him most of the time and like I said things don't seem terrible. Also the fact I don't have anyone else probably has a little to do with it as well. One friend, lives over an hour away, no strong family ties. Low self esteem maybe, I've always been in relationships where I get yelled at a lot, it just seems like the way things work.
carhill Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 Have you lived alone and out of relationship (no emotional/physical R with a man) for any significant amount of time? How old are you?
Author KatanaRamirez Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 I'm 24, moved out with my 1st bf when I was 17 stayed with him for 3 years, started seeing 2nd boyfriend almost immeadiatly stayed with him for 3 years, a few weeks in between last boyfriend and current one of 2years +. Moved to be with 2nd bf lost contact with friends, moved back to be with current boyfriend one friend I kept in contact with moved away. Haven't really lived alone for long (stayed at my Mum's in between 2nd and 3rd until I found work in the area, I did rent a house where he lived that I stayed at on weekends, but he moved in pretty quickly) Short answer 24 and no
saraispiel19 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 oh girlie this is a very toxic relationship. I know your bringing out all the bad points and there must be some "good" in your relationship but wow these are really big red flags. Everyone here can tell you to leave the relationship that "he's dangerous, he's this he's that.." but in the end it's your decision it's up to you. Do you want to be in a healthy relationship or be in this one? If you do want to continue with him I really suggest you do take time apart- both of you need to grow and mature. One of you (preferably the one who is not on the lease if you do rent) needs to move out- time off would be the best in this situation. If your not willing to do so at least go to couples therapy; it'll take a long time to mend your relationship and a lot of hard work but if you both love eachother (in this case i really don't see that he does) you'll work hard at it. However the best option is to leave the relationship for good- there are plenty of good men out there and this one isn't one of them (or he is just not grown up yet). It's your choice. Goodluck to ya and keep us posted!
Author KatanaRamirez Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 I know that he's not really the best there is to offer but I haven't really been in a relationship to date that was really much better. There is no way he'd go to counciling and time out would probably mean him going out getting drunk and sleeping with as many people as possible and me sitting at home alone with no one at all feeling sorry for myself. After my 2nd relationship I really did plan on trying to stay single for a while but no matter what kind of guy I end get with first after my breakup they seem to want to suddenly have a serious relationship, and because I don't want to pass up a possible opportunity to find "the one" I end up sticking around, and then i end up sticking around for too long and when I finally end the relationship Iit starts all over again. I wish I could be a serial dumper but I get to tied up in things.
Jilly Bean Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 And the value in staying with a guy who is cheating, is physically and emotionally abusive is... ?
saraispiel19 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 I know that he's not really the best there is to offer but I haven't really been in a relationship to date that was really much better. There is no way he'd go to counciling and time out would probably mean him going out getting drunk and sleeping with as many people as possible and me sitting at home alone with no one at all feeling sorry for myself.. oh chickadee your going to have to do something! you can't just sit there and let life pass you by. Have you told him how you felt (although i don't think he'd care from my prespective), you should tell him to either change or your gone. What you are to him is his go-to girl he has no respect for you from what i know.. oh jeeze please don't just sit there and be another abused woman your smarter than that at least you trying to get some help.
Author KatanaRamirez Posted June 21, 2008 Author Posted June 21, 2008 Negative value probably, just makes me feel worse. Really don't want to be alone though. It's good to be able to actually bring the issue up with people though and get other peoples opinion. It isn't okay the things he does and I shouldn't have to put up with it. However on that note I'm going to have to leave till tomorrow I have to go pick up my boyfriend who's been out all night having fun and bring him home because as usual his lift fell through. When I actually write all this stuff down it actually makes me feel pretty stupid for not having left at the begining. Thanks for all the help. Be checking back in tomorrow.
saraispiel19 Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 oh well good luck kat. your smart but you just don't follow through what you say-- jeeze i know i'm scared of being alone too but theres the saying "it's best to be alone than with bad company" or something of the sort. Being abused is far better worse than being alone. post tommorrow hope your weekend turn out great.
carhill Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 And the value in staying with a guy who is cheating, is physically and emotionally abusive is... ? JB, I'm thinking it's a combination of being uncomfortable being alone along with the desire for receiving attention, even if mixed to negative. As someone who spent most of his life alone, I have no idea how things look from her perspective, but can speculate based on her revelations. What do you think?
ibisflight Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 My child, my child. AS confused as I am .... I still know the difference between abuse and anything else...... What you have is abuse, and the potential for more abuse. Dump him. Date a "milk-toast" for a little while, until you get your confidence up. You say you have a history of people who yell at you. Perhaps you have the "bad-boy" complex..... Again I say, date a fully nice, non-threatenbing, STABLE person.... and see if your life doesn't take a turn for the happier.
carhill Posted June 21, 2008 Posted June 21, 2008 And, please, OP, if you do follow the above advice, be mindful of the effects of that negativity in your past on your psyche. You may find yourself to become, without willful thought, the same kind of abuser with a non-threatening, stable man that your BF's have been to you. I've got the scars to prove that corollary. Don't do anything you'll regret later. It's OK (I guess) to "use" someone as a springboard or confidence builder, but always remember that they are human beings just like you are. Personally, I'd work towards getting comfortable being alone. It's really not that bad
Author KatanaRamirez Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 Hi, thanks for the advice. I guess I know a lot of it myself already. Still helps to hear it from others. I'm planning a camp/drive trip away for about a month without my boyfriend, just me and my dog. I'm hoping it will put things into perspective. I know that being alone as in not in a relationship wouldn't be to bad but I really do have absolutly no one that I can do things with on a regular basis (1 friend over an hour away that I could hang out with maybe on a monthly basis but he spends most of his free time with his boyfriend). Oh well, life goes on. By the way. After I left to pick up my bf last night he called and said he'd found a lift to a friends place and asked me to get him from there (I was less than 5min away), I went to the friends place waited about 20min no one turned up, went home no one there, went to bed 10min later got a call on the home ph (he doesn't remember my mobile number) they hung up just as I answered, I called one of his friends mobile phone and found out that his lift had fallen through and had to back to pick him up again (only a 25min drive but still) he ended up bringing one of his 'mates ' back with him to crash at our place for the night. The yelling at me thing was not just a previous partner thing, I grew up with my Nan and after my Pop died she took out a lot of her stuff on me, I'm not the yell back type, I've learned that if you just let the other person yell it out it ends sooner than if you try and get your side of things in. I don't think I'd take out stuff thats happend to me by doing those things to another partner and I wouldn't want to use someone to move on. I don't think I could be dishonest enough to string someone along. I need a hobby
saraispiel19 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 Hi, thanks for the advice. I guess I know a lot of it myself already. Still helps to hear it from others. I'm planning a camp/drive trip away for about a month without my boyfriend, just me and my dog. I'm hoping it will put things into perspective. ..........I need a hobby well girlie the time apart will do you some good and it will help you- be safe and have lots of fun. Have you ever thought of joining something from the YMCA or anything of the sort like a pilates class or yoga, etc. -- you will meet other women there for sure; how about volunteering on weekends doing something good for the community it'll keep you busy and you'd help others- or being a Big Sister to a little girl. How about your workplace (if you do work)-- there must be someone there you can speak with and become friends with. Perhaps going to a bar- you can meet fun girls there to hang out with. have fun- and the best hobby is something that will do you good : like jogging, nature walks, etc. afterall you do have a dog! keep us posted!
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