MOWnSouth Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Hey! I am new to post but been reading on the forum for sometime now. Really seen some interesting stories and experience that are so helpful. I guess I am looking for someone in my similiar situation to be able to talk with some. I am a MW involved with a MM. We have both been married about 11 years and both have 2 wonderful boys. We have amazing chemistry and probably both developing feelings much deeper although we have not said it openly...because the truth is neither of us come into this looking to change our situations at home for the sake and love of our children. But it does get more complicated and since we don't live that close, it is work to see each other. Just looking for some MOW to lean on if out there. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Why not leave your H if you are unhappy? Doesn't he deserve to be with someone who wants to be with him only? Wouldn't you be happier not married to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 We have both been married about 11 years and both have 2 wonderful boys. because the truth is neither of us come into this looking to change our situations at home for the sake and love of our children. But it does get more complicated and since we don't live that close, it is work to see each other. If you care for your kids and your family... you will do the right thing. Lies and deciept are an evil path to walk. Not something to teach, or to put you boys through. You are how they will relate to women in the future. Thier lives are in your hands... do whatever you want... it's your choice. Just realize that the consequences are bigger than your selfishness. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 If you care for your kids and your family... you will do the right thing. Lies and deciept are an evil path to walk. Not something to teach, or to put you boys through. You are how they will relate to women in the future. Thier lives are in your hands... do whatever you want... it's your choice. Just realize that the consequences are bigger than your selfishness. Exactly! Very well said. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
LadyDi Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 And it will be getting more and more complicated. It's a rollercoaster ride (you'll read that alot on these threads) and emotionally draining. PM me if you want, I've BTDT. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 So, you have a spouse tucked away who's been demoted from "Loving Husband" to "Caregiver, Financial Support Specialist, and Cuckold"! The question that begs is why he would continue to invest his time, energy, and agency into a marriage while being subjected to the conditions you've proposed?! I don't know whether he's a good guy or bad guy but, in all likelihood, if he knew about your affair and your feelings toward him right now it's my bet, based on an assumed precept that his feelings toward you are mutual or would adjust to assume yours after-the-fact, that he would rebell and reject the new assignment(s) you've relegated him to and move on by his lonesome. After all, he can do bad all by himself and he doesn't need your help on that front! Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Hey! I am new to post but been reading on the forum for sometime now. Really seen some interesting stories and experience that are so helpful. I guess I am looking for someone in my similiar situation to be able to talk with some. I am a MW involved with a MM. We have both been married about 11 years and both have 2 wonderful boys. We have amazing chemistry and probably both developing feelings much deeper although we have not said it openly...because the truth is neither of us come into this looking to change our situations at home for the sake and love of our children. You both are screwing around on your children's other parent...that isn't for the "sake and love of [your] children. When you cheat on your spouse, you cheat on your kids too. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 Why not leave your H if you are unhappy? Doesn't he deserve to be with someone who wants to be with him only? You really think she is going to care about his happiness? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 NSouth, I won't be critical of you. It's often more difficult than we are willing to admit that are more led by are hearts than our minds or genitiles. I do advise utmost caution though. 2 Children involved on both sides will complicate everything, their saftey and needs are more important than yours and your MM's. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 You really think she is going to care about his happiness? No, I just like to ask the question. Link to post Share on other sites
me003 Posted June 21, 2008 Share Posted June 21, 2008 I just went to Branes and Noble and they had a book called "Secret Love." IT was a non judgemental book that explain why MOW or OW get involved in affairs. I think it can also apply to males. I have noticed that this is supposed to be a helping forum, but from some of the post are very cruel. I think that those of us who are here are here for help... I have figured out that talking to male friends is teh way to go. I have noticed that man see if froma guys point of view and are more supporting. This is not true of all the people who are here. The ones who ended affairs are nicer and they can tell you the same thing but in a way that does not bilittle you. I hope that if you read the book that it wioll help you because from the few pages taht I read it has been of tremendous help. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author MOWnSouth Posted June 22, 2008 Author Share Posted June 22, 2008 Thank you for the both sides(and the judgement). I do realize what the consequences are of this relationship. It is not as easy as just ending it or never beginning it. Life throws us twists in love and we just hope we can do the right thing. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Hmm. I don't believe that life "throws" us twists in love. I think that we (either consciously or subconsciously) seek them out, particularly when we unhappy in our current romantic situation. We then label the choices we make as "fate" and "out of our control", when really, we made the conscious decision to follow that particular path- or not. Sometimes that is easier than actually accepting that what may have been wrong with the situation in the first place could have been our fault, and with a little work and effort could have been rectified without so much pain and hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Thank you for the both sides(and the judgement). I do realize what the consequences are of this relationship. It is not as easy as just ending it or never beginning it. Life throws us twists in love and we just hope we can do the right thing. Thanks again. I agree with sb129....this wasn't thrown at you, it was of your own doing. And if you think you are in love with this other man, then you need to divorce your husband, regardless of whether he leaves his wife. Its not fair to your husband to be married to someone that loves someone else and is screwing another man behind his back. Neither of you love your spouses since you did this, so just divorce and set them free from you. Link to post Share on other sites
broknhearted Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Hey! I am new to post but been reading on the forum for sometime now. Really seen some interesting stories and experience that are so helpful. I guess I am looking for someone in my similiar situation to be able to talk with some. I am a MW involved with a MM. We have both been married about 11 years and both have 2 wonderful boys. We have amazing chemistry and probably both developing feelings much deeper although we have not said it openly...because the truth is neither of us come into this looking to change our situations at home for the sake and love of our children. But it does get more complicated and since we don't live that close, it is work to see each other. Just looking for some MOW to lean on if out there. I am in the same situation. I do understand how you feel. i have been married for 13 years with 3 kids and having an affair as well. it started out as no strings attached, both went into it knowing we were married. that was seven months ago. we work together, same shift. yesterday i heard, from him, that he wanted to go to night shift to make more money. i'll never see him now. it just broke my heart. working those hours we will never see each other unless our days off, but even then, his wife keeps him on a tight leash, so i know that won't happen. which, there is reason for it, lol. i want to ask him what will happen to 'us'. i'm afraid what the answer is gonna be. i really love him, but have never told him that. i've held back saying those 3 little words to him because i didn't want to pressure him. i know he cares for me a lot, i see it in his actions. i just don't know what to do from this point. i only have 2-3 weeks before he transfers. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 What troubled your heart and made you so restless that you sought solice in an affair?! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Thank you for the both sides(and the judgement). I do realize what the consequences are of this relationship. It is not as easy as just ending it or never beginning it. Life throws us twists in love and we just hope we can do the right thing. Thanks again. Not hope to do the right thing, but pray to do the right thing and then do it. As you said, THE RIGHT THING, which implies that you know right from wrong and still chose the wrong thing. Life doesn't throw us twist, it throws us temptations and it is up to each of us to resist or give in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MOWnSouth Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 Thank you broknhearted for you reply. Sounds like we are in similar situations and I am sorry for you saddness with the transfer. In my situation we live about an hour away which makes visits a bit more of a challenge. I would love to see him more but in our case my leash is the tight one, simply because my hubby works out of town alot leaving me with the kids. I hope it works out for you and would enjoy chatting with someone in the same boat as I am. To say I shouldn't have started this, or just divorce hubby, etc is easier said than done as you well know. This is what it is even if I created it. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Well, you've inadvertently answered my question. Loneliness, boredom, and the frustrations that come with semi-single parenting seem to be typical triggers for a spouse to begin wandering. Any chance that I'm on the mark here? Link to post Share on other sites
SerenityX2 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Peli, you forgot a big one, selfishness. I'll be surprised if she responds to you. She's another one that has her head stuck in the sand. Seems most just want people to commisurate with, not find any help, b/c they didn't ASK for any help you see. Even when they're going through all this unnecessary drama and/or crying their hearts out, claiming life is unfair and "why" is this happening to them. They chalk it up to circumstances beyond their control Oh, and of course essentially they're "happy" when they're with them so that makes up for pontentially causing another person pain Sorry, but I don't buy that stepping on someone else to get what you want will ever have a positive outcome, but still they persist... Someday they'll learn, that much I'm sure of, so I find the denial sad. Life really can be wonderful if you stop inviting drama. Link to post Share on other sites
broknhearted Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Thank you broknhearted for you reply. Sounds like we are in similar situations and I am sorry for you saddness with the transfer. In my situation we live about an hour away which makes visits a bit more of a challenge. I would love to see him more but in our case my leash is the tight one, simply because my hubby works out of town alot leaving me with the kids. I hope it works out for you and would enjoy chatting with someone in the same boat as I am. To say I shouldn't have started this, or just divorce hubby, etc is easier said than done as you well know. This is what it is even if I created it. It is easier said than done. and everything we do in life we do to ourselves. if there wasn't children involved, i'd be gone. i remember a time when i said i would NEVER cheat on my hubby. now look, yikes! i feel i have no control anymore. for my situation, he doesn't really know how i feel, i'm gonna tell him this week and see what happens. if he still wants to go to nights then so be it, but at least he will know that i love him. i just need to know where 'we' stand. i would love to chat with you as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MOWnSouth Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 Well, you've inadvertently answered my question. Loneliness, boredom, and the frustrations that come with semi-single parenting seem to be typical triggers for a spouse to begin wandering. Any chance that I'm on the mark here? that is certainly a part of it. As with most there are many other factors. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MOWnSouth Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 It is easier said than done. and everything we do in life we do to ourselves. if there wasn't children involved, i'd be gone. i remember a time when i said i would NEVER cheat on my hubby. now look, yikes! i feel i have no control anymore. for my situation, he doesn't really know how i feel, i'm gonna tell him this week and see what happens. if he still wants to go to nights then so be it, but at least he will know that i love him. i just need to know where 'we' stand. i would love to chat with you as well. I really hope that goes well for you. I too am still there for my children and have said the same thing about cheating. Mine either does not know how I feel and I am not sure that I am or will ever tell him just because I don't want the feelings that go with such a profession of my own feelings. Guess yes its selfish and self protection. Would love to just say goodbye and it be that easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Thank you broknhearted for you reply. Sounds like we are in similar situations and I am sorry for you saddness with the transfer. In my situation we live about an hour away which makes visits a bit more of a challenge. I would love to see him more but in our case my leash is the tight one, simply because my hubby works out of town alot leaving me with the kids. I hope it works out for you and would enjoy chatting with someone in the same boat as I am. To say I shouldn't have started this, or just divorce hubby, etc is easier said than done as you well know. This is what it is even if I created it. Ugh... you only seek validation for what you do. There are many here who will happily provide that. Be wary of the company you keep. It is easier said than done. and everything we do in life we do to ourselves. if there wasn't children involved, i'd be gone. i remember a time when i said i would NEVER cheat on my hubby. now look, yikes! i feel i have no control anymore. What? Your children become your excuse? Your a sick person to use your kids in that manner! What kind of adult hides behind a child? YOU choose your actions, and when you put cowardice aside it becomes easier done than said. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Hmm. I don't believe that life "throws" us twists in love. I think that we (either consciously or subconsciously) seek them out, particularly when we unhappy in our current romantic situation. We then label the choices we make as "fate" and "out of our control", when really, we made the conscious decision to follow that particular path- or not. Sometimes that is easier than actually accepting that what may have been wrong with the situation in the first place could have been our fault, and with a little work and effort could have been rectified without so much pain and hurt. This is so true, we can't just sit around and "hope" that we do the right thing. We need to do the right thing no matter what "twists" life throws at us. And I don't think OP can being to find her way out of this obviously hurtful situation until she takes responsibility for her actions that got her there in the first place instead of acting like she is a tree blowing in the wind, with no will or decision making skills of her own. And I say that from experience. You will wallow in your twisty situation that happened to you out of the blue, and blame it on everything but yourself until you are ready to take control and get out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
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