sparklemama Posted April 5, 2009 Posted April 5, 2009 Hi everyone today is my first official day of NC.Its soooo hard but after calling him yesterday and having my calls ignored i knew i had to go the extreme of nc.I almost called him about three times today lol Sad thing is we have a daughter so eventually we are going to have to have LC.Im not sure how i will get over him if i have to even keep LC.I already made my first mistake today i went on his myspace page and a girl left a comment as if she was happy about something, of course i immediately assumed he told her its over with me and now they are together.Maybe its not the case but once i put that in my head i was desperate to call but luckily i havent.I will have to see him again soon and i can't help but feel like looking a whole lot better than the last time he saw me.I tell myself its only so the last thought of me in his mine would be of me looking amazing but in reality i kind of hope that he regrets his choice and comes back.I know im stupid! Please any advice will be appreciated especially if anyone has children with the person i would love to know how you got passed it.Also anyone who is currently going through this and would like each other for support can contact me as well.Send me a message and we can exchange e-mail address.Thank you and have a great day! Edit:Not sure if you can send messages on here as i am not seeing how to do it!If so i would not mind talking to someone and helping each other through it.Someone i can talk to when i really feel like talking to him.
janjan Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 4 months nc, but the bitch made her fb profile public and i looked at it a few times recently. din feel hurt but god damnit it still makes her part of my thought process. i shouldn't be thinking of her right now, i should be thinking of that girl i was eyeing the other nite but failed to talk to, and making sure to run into her again. please someone slap me, ban me from checking the fb, and tell me keep at it with meeting NEW GIRLS
EmperorR Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 4 months nc, but the bitch made her fb profile public and i looked at it a few times recently. din feel hurt but god damnit it still makes her part of my thought process. i shouldn't be thinking of her right now, i should be thinking of that girl i was eyeing the other nite but failed to talk to, and making sure to run into her again. please someone slap me, ban me from checking the fb, and tell me keep at it with meeting NEW GIRLS block her on facebook
janjan Posted April 26, 2009 Posted April 26, 2009 block her on facebook done. not just deleted now, total block
gypsi Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 hey there i am on day 14 or no contact and its driving me insane it would have been our one year aniversay next week....i cant delete her from facebook coz i dont hate her and she would be so offended, it hurts everyday when i see new pics of her. I was so close to texting her today...this is torture sigh
LadyV Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 done. not just deleted now, total block GOOD JOB!!! I did the same thing, only when we were still in contact, I had HIM block me!!! I was still able to see his site through friends, and a fake account, but I am done with that once I discovered he was seeing someone. Now, I don't go by at all, no more fake accounts, and am taking NC seriously!!! I blocked his number, as well as closed other email accts I had and opened a new one, but he is blocked on that as well.... You gotta do what you gotta do!!! 10 Days today, NC!!! I feel much better....although discovered that I can now see his comments on his sister's FB...WTF? I thought that was all blocked? Anyway, I will make a generic comment to his sister's status. He did try to comment back to me 2 nights ago, but I ignoried it, as well as deleted the post he was replying to. I hope he gets the hint.
LadyV Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 hey there i am on day 14 or no contact and its driving me insane it would have been our one year aniversay next week....i cant delete her from facebook coz i dont hate her and she would be so offended, it hurts everyday when i see new pics of her. I was so close to texting her today...this is torture sigh I know what you are feeling..the wondering and so forth. I personally couldn't handle knowing he could text or call, so I had his phone number blocked. Even if he tried to contact me, I wouldn't know. Much better than waiting, and anticipating every time my phone rings....Also, about FB...read my above post.... The last time I went by my XBF under a fake account, I was devastated to see he had moved on so fast and was planning to date another girl. I just couldn't do it, so I got rid of that account. It has been 2 weeks since that happend....I have no desire to know what is going on with him. I am not going to open that door back up... I'm right there with you...Hang in there, 14 days is awesome...tomorrow will be 15!!! I put little red X's on my calander signifying how long it has been. I do have to say ,I can't wait untill I have a full month with nothing but red X's!!! you can do it, if you want, just hit me up here and I will remind you how much you DONT want to talk to her...lol
carhill Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 carhill, how have things been going for you since you initiated NC? i am just starting out, on wobbly legs, after ending a 15 month affair and trying to rebuild my marriage and do the right thing. i am assuming you did not have the support of family/friends if your relationship was clandestine--as mine was. has it gotten any easier, any better? did you do the right thing? oh, the messes we get ourselves in... Hi, sorry I missed this... I did a 60 day stint of NC to break my chemistry and work on some tools I learned in MC. I've since been consulting for my friend's (the EA one from my journals where I was OM and later MM) BF's business and my wife and I are living separately and getting an amicable D. No contact helped me see things clearly on a number of fronts. I feel another stint of it coming on in the near future, not for my sake, but for hers, so she can focus on deciding the health of her R and other aspects of her life without the distraction of my presence, even if benevolent. When that starts, I'll be back and counting
somewhat damaged Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 heres my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=189050 One of the last things she said to me was "I will always love you and be here for you." Well in a moment of weakness I texted her and emailed her that I needed her and that I would be taking her up on that offer. I spilled my heart out in that last email. Not even within 5 minutes she responded with throught text message "I am here for for you, I told you that I always will be, we will talk more later." So again I got slapped in the face that I am no longer a part of her life nor am I a priority. We are still in a covenant marriage and she is already in another relationship. This is the second time she has cheated, only this second time I believe was pre meditated. I got to witness her change her facebook relationship status from married< to its complicated< to divorced. Then she deleted me as a friend and promptly posted pics of her and her new guy. And even changed her her status to "in a relationship", with this new guy!!! I just didn't want to believe it what was happening to me. She dropped me so easily, a woman who gave me the hope of a sucessful convenant marriage just so she could get some more c*ck. I'm dizzy..... So today is day one of NC - wish me luck......
Nedved Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 That girl sounds even more cold than my ex and believe me she cold.Sounds like your having a really rough time but hang in there friend and good luck. i'm on day 2 of NC and its killing me but it has to be done i guess.
wild trillium Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 This is my first full day of no contact. It doesn't feel so good. He says he needs "time"... so that is what he is getting. It sucks but I'm preparing myself to move on now. Just in case...
monkeys Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Argh this is awful. I'm writing because I'm trying to decide whether or not to do this NC thing. I broke up with my bf (despite being entirely conflicted about it and, after asking him to consider giving me another chance, getting rejected - as one would understand entirely). I still love him and we have both suggested being friends but I don't know if that is possible. I really want him back but I know that this is all my fault as it was my idea in the first place. I really hurt him. The thing is, I really DON'T want to lose him from my life so my question is, what exactly does NC achieve and how? I just don't want to lose him.
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Time will allow him to heal from the hurt of the breakup and perhaps see you in a more positive light. If you do sincerely love and respect him, you will put your personal desires aside and show respect to the person you dumped. This is a sign of maturity. The time you spend in NC will allow you to heal the parts of your psyche which impelled you to break up with him even though you apparently were conflicted and hopefully make you a better partner to him or someone else in the future.
trustydusty Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Day 4 of NC, the busier you stay they easier it gets, I deleted her number and since i never memorized it i have no way to contact her except online. I Also deleted her and her friends from my FB account. That definitely helps...
monkeys Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Time will allow him to heal from the hurt of the breakup and perhaps see you in a more positive light. If you do sincerely love and respect him, you will put your personal desires aside and show respect to the person you dumped. This is a sign of maturity. The time you spend in NC will allow you to heal the parts of your psyche which impelled you to break up with him even though you apparently were conflicted and hopefully make you a better partner to him or someone else in the future. Many thanks for your answer Please can you advise as to how I should break this to him? I can't just stop talking to him altogether; we had originally spoken about being friends. It is particularly difficult as we work together so I really will need to explain this to him - right? Do I just tell him that I love him but that we both need time? What if he forgets about me? I know that sounds selfish, particularly given the circumstances, and I guess the only real answer to that is - then he forgets about you. I guess I have to take that chance...
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 I would not tell him you love him. When you instituted the breakup unilaterally, your action was not one of love from his perspective. It was a rejection and abandonment. Instead, tell him that you want both of you to heal from this breakup and ask that there be no contact for awhile. "Awhile" depends on the depth of the emotional bond, predominantly on his side since you had already disconnected from him enough to break up with him. I'd say two to six months if he asks. Otherwise, leave it open-ended and do not contact him proactively. For at least two months, do not read/talk to him when he initiates. Don't read messages and don't listen to VM's. After that point, try one if it comes and see how you feel about it. If you are truly soulmates and bonded, he won't forget you. You have to trust that
bluewolf17 Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 "Many thanks for your answer Please can you advise as to how I should break this to him? I can't just stop talking to him altogether; we had originally spoken about being friends. It is particularly difficult as we work together so I really will need to explain this to him - right? Do I just tell him that I love him but that we both need time? What if he forgets about me? I know that sounds selfish, particularly given the circumstances, and I guess the only real answer to that is - then he forgets about you. I guess I have to take that chance..." Monkey- You and I seem to have the same situation going on. My XBF of 3.5 years broke up in Feb because I got mad and ended things..I totally regretted it within days and came crawling back. But he didn't want me back. I thought at first he was just angry and hurt..so we did LC. Then we started having little dates for coffee and drinks and having a good time. I thought things were going good, but when I asked two months later, he still "didn't know" and didn't want anything right then. It sucks, when you have to lose somthing, to see how much it meant. Its worst knowing its your fualt:(. So I went NC. Not because I don't miss him/love him/want him back, but because I was hurting soo much. I could barely act normal around him, I was so caught up in getting him back. Then when I didn't hear from him for a few days..I would just spiral into depression. Going NC is not going to stop someone who wants you, from reaching out. It's about healing. Sure, they might start to miss you, but that doesn't mean they want another chance. In my case, when he missed me, he was really just curious-nothing more. I suggest starting NC as soon as possible. Let her get ahold of you if she wants. And don't accept crumbs from her. If it will work it, it will. And it may be after both sides have cooled off. But you have to take care of yourself too. That's what NC does. I am on day five. It sucks, but it really does help.
monkeys Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Wow, okay so just in the past few hours I received a text from him saying 'I know I shouldn't text but I miss you x' Am I really supposed to ignore that?? Thank you both, Carhill and Bluewolf for your advice, all of which makes a lot of sense. It does seem rather seldom that a 'dumper' appears in this particular thread (or even on these boards), regretting action that they have taken. I suspect my particular story would arouse little sympathy (not that I wanted was trying to court any) but I would have thought it rare to find someone going through a scenario similar to my own. Bluewolf, can I ask if you had strong reasons for wanting to break up originally, or if the action was provoked by something else such as an insecurity or fear? I came burdened with a lot of fear into my relationship, which ended up escalating into something that could have destroyed it. I fear that I may have pushed him away for good. Anyway I will try NC and hopefully it will give both he and myself time to heal, to gain perspective. Watch this space...
bluewolf17 Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Monkeys- My ex sent those messages too. They break your heart, don't they? He called for the first month-telling me a girl in his class uses the same shampoo as me..or he saw the I want to get at a park..things like that. Your right-When I first started posting (I think in Feb) I had a person or two try to put me in my place, so to speak. But relationships aren't cut and dry like that. Even though the majority of people on here are suffering because they have been dumped, there are dumpers who deeply regret it-like you and I. And we need advice/help too, don't we My XBF and I were talking marriage-a lot. Everything was headed that way. We even looked at rings..our major issue was that Tony did have severe depression issues. He was on medication-but it didn't all help. He had a hard time holding down jobs, and staying focused. He felt helpless, and a lot of the time we were together, he jumped from Job A to Job B. Meanwhile, I am a type A personality. I work full time, go to school full time, and have hobbies/friends etc. I became resentfull of him over time for not getting his stuff together. I worried we couldn't have a future together if some days he couldn't even leave the house! I didn't understand depression, and blamed him. We fought a lot over him not working/not going to school. When we finally broke up, it was because he had been spending more and more time alone at home, and he didn't want to come out with friends. One night I came to his place drunk-just wanting to see him, and it turned into a fight. We blamed eachother for eachothers unhappiness. Granted-there were lots and lots and lots of good times. But this is what I beleive, was the biggest factor. And as soon as we broke up, he got accepted to college (my college) and is taking 21 credits and seems really happy. I had been pushing him to do that all along, and now he is...and we are not together. I don't know if it ws fear, insecurity-I when I broke up with him, I felt "fed up". After we broke up he told me how depressed he really was, and apoligized for taking so long to get his stuff together. But now he is doing much better-and he says he doesn't want to get back together "right now". Seeing him was killing me-I never realized how much I would miss him. Too late now, but it happens. I don't know if you should ignore that message or not. I don't know your story-but just keep in mind that NC is for healing. If you are truly tring to work it out, then by all means respond, and try. Have you tried. really? How long have you been broken up? I tried for two months before I realized I was hurting myself. I would have never gone straight to NC, because I HAD TO TRY.
carhill Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Am I really supposed to ignore that?? No need to ignore it. Block the source or, if not possible, simply do not read the message. Erase it without consideration.
monkeys Posted May 19, 2009 Posted May 19, 2009 Bluewolf - how did you respond to those messages at first? You are right when you mention how hard it is, because it feels completely counterintuitive (not to mention discompassionate) to simply ignore. I realise that, conversely, it may indeed be the case that leaving your ex to deal is the more...'benevolant' (or at least selfless) route - but it certainly doesn't feel that way. It worries me that he would simply back off even further. Dealing with something like depression - or any mental illness (for lack of a better term) certainly compounds matters. My previous ex suffered from severe OCD and associated neurological problems, which ultimately lead to the destruction of our relationship. He was a different matter entirely - it was he who left, he who ended up enforcing NC...I had no say in the matter whatsoever. That didn't make the situation any easier - just different. We did, however, have mutual contacts and I understand that he spent our first 6 months apart actively working towards a life which didn't focus so heavily on his 'health issues'. Perhaps that is what your ex is doing now, trying to turn the focus onto developing a life which distracts him from his depression - and eventually leverages it out of it. In my opinion, you can definitely be a part of that. However, it may take him some time - time in which he can feel totally secure in his mindset and restored mental health - before he can let you in again. From what I can recall, finding his way back towards peace of mind and a newfound sense of 'normalcy' necessitated exerting a huge amount of energy for my ex. I don't know much about NC. The only experience I have had has been agonizing, and resulted in complete loss of contact from my ex. Nonetheless it was required, because there was no chance of a reunion in the first place. And it was only after we severed all contact that I was able to begin to heal. As for this time? Well, I emigrated to the UK from New Zealand a little over a year ago. The move was largely in response to the previous breakup, although it was something I had always wanted to do so I never really perceived it as running away. I'd just graduated from university and found myself to be completely dissatisfied with my job so I figured it was perfect timing. I met my current ex about two months after arriving in the country - we were working together. I was wary at the time of getting into a relationship, but o how he pursued me...I couldn't help but fall in love with him Anyway, long story short: my life had become all about him and I was terrified that I was too dependent on him, that I had nothing outside of him in this country. I worried that I had become too needy, too clingy, and that I needed to establish my own life independent of him. I don't know why I didn't think I could do that while we were in a relationship...although I guess I should have thought of that before...anyway, I left him without proper explanation and he was deeply hurt. I don't know how or if I will be able to 'fix' this one...
lizzylizliz Posted June 5, 2009 Posted June 5, 2009 NC kills slowly. I've only managed it for the past (almost a whole) day, and I just can't leave my phone alone, can't stop checking it, wanting him to call and make everything ok, and say he wants to see me and misses me. Love is so, so so cruel. I need to find something to do to replace texting him when I get the urge...anyone got any ideas? Just something little, you know?
hrtbrk hotel tenant Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 i am tryin to start NC tommorrow which means no checking phone records, no trying to follow her to find out if she seeing someone(which she is) no checking my blog to see if she replied no checking emails. To be honest i dont know if i can do it cold turkey maybe gradually imma really try to stop. I just miss her and i want to have her in my life and wonder all the time what she is doin...living her life and i am sulking not living mine i dont call her but we went out for a date yesterday and it was the greatest day ever......dammmit NC what u do to me.
heatherb16 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I am on my first full day of NC, today. It's almost exciting for me. I'm looking forward to, hopefully, staying strong and standing up for myself, without giving in, like I have before. It's Independence Day. Time for us all to celebrate our new independent selves. We can do it without a significant other. We really can. Embrace yourself today. Good luck to all of you!
hrtbrk hotel tenant Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 slipped up and check her phone records again y do i torment myself i guess cuz of curiosity but yeah i am trying the NC. Let's get it started ...quickly!!!!!!!!!
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