How long does it take to heal from being cheated on?

[Nevermind]

To grow and change...depends on how they handled D-Day. If they were in a fantasy world, woke up and realized what they did and honestly repent doing it, they might have a chance not to do it again. Hard work, honesty to one's self and discipline will be required also. Looking at my ex: he didn't have it. So I assume he will go on cheating forever.

 

Really thinking about that bill..mmhh.

[sunshinegirl]

To grow and change...depends on how they handled D-Day. If they were in a fantasy world, woke up and realized what they did and honestly repent doing it, they might have a chance not to do it again. Hard work, honesty to one's self and discipline will be required also. Looking at my ex: he didn't have it. So I assume he will go on cheating forever.

 

Really thinking about that bill..mmhh.

 

Deflected, lied, downplayed it. Didn't apologize for it. Definitely didn't repent or ask my forgiveness. Was more like "la la la, I'm moving ahead into my happy new life."

 

On the other hand: Admitted, in his hysterical crying moment the day of our breakup and the day before he screwed the new hooch, that he has hurt the people who are important to him. Admitted that he doesn't know himself or what he wants. Is seeing (saw?) a counselor to work through his divorce trauma and what he did to me.

 

Not really an optimistic scenario for growth and change given that he said 2 weeks later that he was going to see the counselor "a couple more times", but part of me is sick to think he will grow and change and be all for the hooch that he couldn't be for me. Bleah.

[Nevermind]

Mine did cry, said he hurt the most important person in his life, the best person he knows, his heart was breaking etc yadda yadda. Showed his true colours when I told her. Got back with her when he didn't know if I was alive or not. (I honestly don't know how she could take him back, after my e-mail, and his short break-up note, but that's her problem.) Despises therapy and me, yet wanted me back or pining over him. Told me to **** off when I wanted honest treatment. Has a vacation planned with her.

 

Yeah...call me crazy, but I fail to see growth and change.

[Zapbasket]

Oh yea,

 

What D said.

 

The damage that causes is so ugly. Sure you get over the person, but at the cost of being painfully aware and very slow to invest.

 

Unfortunately in my case some old demons are attempting to reinsert themselves in my life again and it really just ...puts me off. They seem to be immune to my eject button.

 

Time for a hammer.

 

Oh no! Not again??? Did he show up at your house AGAIN???

[Crestfallen_KH]

I'm of the mind that you never truly heal from it; it's like any scar - it heals over, but there's a reminder that it's there. It's simply another wound that you somehow find a way to integrate into your life.

[underpants]

Oh no! Not again??? Did he show up at your house AGAIN???

 

No.

 

One of his ex's seems to think it is currently fun to hit on my fellow and even tell strange lies that somehow are my past and not hers.

 

Sad really. She might be more disturbed then the ex.

 

So far, the filter is working and he doesn't think very highly of her and rejected her offer.

 

That may not be enough for me however. I'm still looking for that hammer.

[Zapbasket]

No.

 

One of his ex's seems to think it is currently fun to hit on my fellow and even tell strange lies that somehow are my past and not hers.

 

Sad really. She might be more disturbed then the ex.

 

So far, the filter is working and he doesn't think very highly of her and rejected her offer.

 

That may not be enough for me however. I'm still looking for that hammer.

 

I'm gathering you must live in a really small town! I'd be fantasizing about hiring a hit man if I were you.... I guess the "silver lining" to this, such as it is, is that at least you can test the mettle of your man's character this way. Your man should tell her to get lost--has he?

[underpants]

I'm gathering you must live in a really small town! I'd be fantasizing about hiring a hit man if I were you.... I guess the "silver lining" to this, such as it is, is that at least you can test the mettle of your man's character this way. Your man should tell her to get lost--has he?

 

Not that small, and that is what makes this all so...premeditated feeling.

 

He declined but was a gentleman about it. She then hit on his friend. He told me that she came off as a woman that is having trouble aging and has to believe that no man can resist her. One that seeks external validation to extreme levels. He did say he recognized "the type", whatever that means.

 

She will destroy herself soon enough. However, I am keeping my ears open for any opportunity to speed this along.

 

It is just creepy, and probably on some level sad. However, she has no friend in me.

 

Sorry for the thread jack.

 

Just an example of a run in with a serial cheater/slightly deranged person.

[serendip]

So I guess the general consensus is...it sucks to be cheated on and it's gonna take me a LONG time to heal from her selfish act.

 

 

Sweet.

[Trialbyfire]

The less you allow it to control you, the faster you'll get over it.

[serendip]

I try not to but sometimes a thought just enters my head like a couple of days ago...I thought about when we first broke up(it happened around this time last year) after I found out she went out with the guy that she cheated on me with....behind my back. Somehow she justify this as being OK....she even went far as saying that I should be happy for her that she found someone in her new town(she moved 6 mths previously - LDR) and that she would be happy for me if I had found someone else in my town(2 weeks before she wanted to marry me and we talked about kid's names).

 

I haven't thought about that since last summer....it kind of got me angry.

 

I try not to think about these things b/c it leads to no good.

[Bobby.Roy]

I was cheated on after being in a relationship almost 9 years; she left me for someone else..This happened during March..It still hurts, but i believe i have become stronger than i ever was..Though i do not miss HER, its just that it sometimes becomes real hard to believe that someone can do such a monstrous thing after being in a relationship for so long..

 

But guess, we cannot really do anything about it except letting them go and that is exactly what i did. And i guess they are v happy and satisfied with each other...*Sigh*

[Trialbyfire]

Somehow she justify this as being OK....she even went far as saying that I should be happy for her that she found someone in her new town(she moved 6 mths previously - LDR) and that she would be happy for me if I had found someone else in my town(2 weeks before she wanted to marry me and we talked about kid's names).

 

I haven't thought about that since last summer....it kind of got me angry.

 

I try not to think about these things b/c it leads to no good.

I can understand why you would be angry but if you think about it, how selfish is someone that they would believe they are the center of the universe, that their happiness trumps everything else?

 

Maybe focus on how glad you are that you're not trapped in a lifetime of catering to her needs. Also, best to look inside you and figure out why someone as selfish as this appealed to you.

 

I've looked inside myself and figured out why my last two relationships were with selfish men. The actual selfishness isn't what drew me. The selfishness was a byproduct of the balance of the attractive qualities. In figuring out why, it's helping me to figure out how to address this issue.

[Nevermind]

Is it normal to want to have them back? I just feel as if he made a mistake, and that I didn't react right when I found out and only drove him away...he said I was the love of his life. He did love me, I am sure. He looked at me sometimes, as if I was the best thing he could get. So happy, and proud...and I feel like I ruined it. As if...if we are meant for each other, we should be fighting for it. It was good, great even. It was deep, pure love. And so much trust.

 

I just want him back.

 

*sad*

[Nevermind]

I am having a bath, and hopefully this will cure me from writing an e-mail, telling him I love him and to fight for us. It's so pathetic.

[LikeCharlotte]

I am having a bath, and hopefully this will cure me from writing an e-mail, telling him I love him and to fight for us. It's so pathetic.

Hang on NM. I know how you feel. Right now all you can do is enjoy that bath and keep going. ((NM))

[Nevermind]

The worst is knowing that this feeling would drive him even farther away. No way out. The water is too hot, the temperature thing is broken and it's either boiling or ice-cubes in the bathroom. Waiting..is something I used to be good at.

[serendip]

Also, best to look inside you and figure out why someone as selfish as this appealed to you.

 

When we first went out back in 1994...she was totally unselfish...really beautiful and sweet person.

 

I remember when she taught me how to ski...we were going down my first black diamond run...I fell and wiped out...she instantly covered me with her body to protect me from other skiers/snowborders...just in case they hit me or run me over. I remember she use to bake me cookies(they were absolute s hite...but they tasted wonderful b/c she made them) and write me long love letters.

 

Fast forward to 2006 when we got back together...She would buy me little tokens of appreciation when she come back from her trips and she would always be watching what I eat b/c she wanted me to be healthy. But I did noticed she became a bit selfish over the course of our relationship and I called her on it a few times....but nothing would ever lead me to believe she was even capable of cheating(the most selfish act possible for relationships). Hell I think I trusted her more then I trusted myself.

[Trialbyfire]

When we first went out back in 1994...she was totally unselfish...really beautiful and sweet person.

 

I remember when she taught me how to ski...we were going down my first black diamond run...I fell and wiped out...she instantly covered me with her body to protect me from other skiers/snowborders...just in case they hit me or run me over. I remember she use to bake me cookies(they were absolute s hite...but they tasted wonderful b/c she made them) and write me long love letters.

 

Fast forward to 2006 when we got back together...She would buy me little tokens of appreciation when she come back from her trips and she would always be watching what I eat b/c she wanted me to be healthy. But I did noticed she became a bit selfish over the course of our relationship and I called her on it a few times....but nothing would ever lead me to believe she was even capable of cheating(the most selfish act possible for relationships). Hell I think I trusted her more then I trusted myself.

So what happened between 1994 and 2006? What caused your first (?) breakup?

[serendip]

So what happened between 1994 and 2006? What caused your first (?) breakup?

 

Well I broke up with her back in 1995 b/c she was just starting University and I had already finished. Knowing my university experience...I wanted her to experience Uni without the hindrance of a relationship. But she was hurt from it. I realized my mistake and wanted her back(pleading, begging...lots of phone calls...the usual LS actions)...but she was too hurt from it. She told her parents how I hurt her(important for future events).

 

We went complete NC.

 

She finished Uni, went to Asia to teach english for 3 yrs and then came back into my town to go to Naturopathic College for 4 yrs....think she had 4 or 5 relationships during this time.

 

In that time I had several relationships(nothing note worthy...very little drama in the breakups mainly b/c I wasn't in love with them)....got a high paying job....got bored of job and went backpacking around the world for a year...came back...bummed around for a while until I got bored...then got a job...made partner at firm....turned it down.

 

In 2005 I was in a limo on my way to airport...when I saw her walking across the street...I didn't stop the limo since I was running late. But once I got back from my trip...I looked her up and we hooked up.

 

The first 5 months were incredible(so much love)...she told her friends I was her first and only true love(one of her friends told me this). She felt so fortunate to have me back in her life. Then she went on a trip with her parents and told them she got back together with me...this is when things sort of got slightly stressful in the relationship. Her parents hated me b/c they remember how I broked her heart in 95 and didn't approve of me. I tried to work things out with her parents (asking to take them out to dinner to talk...etc) and they didn't want to. Things were still great with me and her but the parents situation was difficult for her(they have a close relationship). When she graduated from school...she was thinking of staying here but had a better opportunity in the west coast. She told me she would have stayed if her parents had approved of me...but she still wanted a LDR with me. When she first went to the westcoast...she cheated...she told me a little about it and not what she actually did(I later found out). I forgave her....and 6 mths later she cheated again by going out with the same dude behind my back.

 

And then the crazy drama ensued

[Trialbyfire]

People change serendip, particularly with heartbreak. Some become stronger, more insightful people, others become jaded and selfish. It sounds like she ended up in the latter category. Also, who knows what happened over the course of the other 4 - 5 relationships she experienced.

[serendip]

People change serendip

 

 

Absolutely all people change...it's part of growth. But I never even considered that she would cheat on me(maybe it's my ego)...I gave her every opportunity to break up with me(before she moved away and after I found out she cheated)...I even made it easy for her to walk away. But she always said she wanted me...so I worked things out and ate my ego...only to be cheated on again. That's when I took a train to crazyville.

 

Now after a year since the breakup...I'm still trying to recover from the trauma. I am definitely doing a lot better and I am enjoying the dating scene. But there are times I do miss talking to her but I know it would be bad for me. I ignore her last contact ("How r yu doing was just thinking of yu today") which was a month ago(before that I contacted her last-beginning of April) b/c I know it would do me no good. I also don't understand why she would bother with contacting...she has a BF and seems to be enjoying her life(from our convo in March).