Is it my fault?

[whichwayisup]

Since he has been married he has confided in me a many times. He has asked for advice and he has sometimes talked about his sexual incompatibility with his wife

Make it clear to him that sex conversation is OFF limits, as well as him confiding in you about his marital problems. If he needs help with that, he can talk to a buddy or seek counselling. Maybe him opening up with you, opened his heart to you as you two grew closer on a personal level and the intimacy built up inside of him. Either way, you two need to put boundries up and distance yourselves, and don't be in his daily life.

[LikeCharlotte]

Him: I sort of am sorry, but not really. I am saying sorry because this is what I have to do to keep you in my life. I DO know what's what, so me asking if you still love your ex really doesn't apply because I DO get the fact that I am married and you're not into me because of that, but I still am going to pursue you .. .. (Thinks to himself - I'll just back off abit and then wait till the right moment to make another move or drop afew more hints, see if she'll take the bait this time...

I think he is sorry that he is being pushy but not sorry that he is hurting me and ruining trust. I agree that the x is irrelevant and I think he was using it to make me second guess my reasons. He knows that I had a really hard time with the break-up and I think he was using that to try to get to me while I was vulnerable. He has repeatedly invalidated my feelings about the ex and tried to make me feel like the whole R was doomed because of the pace. All the time feigning support. BLEH I'm getting quite angry with him thinking about that.

You are sooo right.

 

 

I need to ask, have you met his wife? Does she even know you exist? Maybe being friends with him, having a one on one friendship and getting close isn't a good idea either way. I'm sure if his wife was close to another man, talking to him, he would be freakin' upset as heck!

Yes she knows me and she likes that we are friends because shes not always interested in things he wants to do. I go along with him and up until now I have always been the safe friend. I really like her. She has always been great to me and very accepting of me and the friendship. She has her own friends too and lots of them are guys. They have a very trusting relationship and I always believed it was true but I guess I was wrong. I just can't imagine how she would feel.

 

 

He's trying to make you feel sorry for him...

It's not working. Right now I am very angry. I don't want to be someone who keeps things from (wife). I'm also seeing that he was manipulative before I broke up with my ex. Maybe I am just mad.

[biffster]

Exactly ... I am sorry ... but I am becoming less and less tolerant of him ... not that I ever was ...

 

Get rid of this LOSER completely!!!! He is definitely not your friend, he is clearly treating you like some piece of As$ that he clearly thinks he is capable of getting ...

 

One thing about men is this: They do like to pursue .. however they will only keep up the pursuit if they have some indication that they will prevail ... If you give them NO ENCOURAGEMENT AT ALL ... THEY WILL WALK AWAY !!! Sure, they don't want a game that is too easy ... but they NEVER want to lose!!!! That is why complete and total NC is the only sure fire way to really get rid of any unwanted predator ...

 

And, this is exactly what he is - A PREDATOR! At the same time, you have given him encouragement by engaging with him in the first place ... you took him in as a confidante ... which means ... you share some things with him exclusively ... to the exclusion of his wife ...

 

... you are his Secret "friend" in this regard .. and the more he feels that he can tell you things that are totally off limits ... eg., the sexual incompatibility between him and his wife????? When you know her and are friends with her???? The discussion should have never happened ... he is and has tested your limits! Well, she will talk about my sex life with my wife ... I can talk about anything with her, and then push the boundaries to get what I want ...

 

.. He told you that he loves his wife and has no intention of leaving - EVER - so -- now he wants you as a secret best friend ??? For what? So that he can prey on you under the guise of a "friendship" in order to lure you into a use and abuse situation that he will control and leave you in tears????????? He is a bastard.

 

And, then what are you going to do ... when he pushes the envelope too far???? even if you don't sleep with him ... now you have just destroyed your relationship with his wife too ... what are you going to do then ... "well, I am sorry I have been so distant from you ... it's just that your husand is getting to close" Sorry!! you will be the slut, the bitch and every other name in the book ... regardless of weather or not you slept with him ...

 

... He is putting you in the most aweful position!!! If he wants to find a nice piece of A$$ let him at least go find someone who doesn't know his wife ... Please, please ... lose this loser fast

[LikeCharlotte]

Make it clear to him that sex conversation is OFF limits, as well as him confiding in you about his marital problems. If he needs help with that, he can talk to a buddy or seek counselling. Maybe him opening up with you, opened his heart to you as you two grew closer on a personal level and the intimacy built up inside of him. Either way, you two need to put boundries up and distance yourselves, and don't be in his daily life.

I made a huge mistake thinking it was innocent and he just wanted help. Once I do speak with him again I will set new boundaries. how could I be so stupid!

[biffster]

Don't beat yourself up now ... he is a manipulative bastard .... he preyed on your good nature ... and used it to his advantage ... like I said before .. get rid of this loser immediately ...

[LikeCharlotte]

Something's not adding up here. It sounds like this guy is assuming that you're easy. Do you know why he would assume that? I can't think of any other reason why he would behave this way... unless he is completely arrogant and clueless - in which case you wouldn't have been friends with him in the first place... right? Has he ever exhibited this kind of persistent, obnoxious, and emotionally manipulative behavior before?

He's never been this way before. As far as him assuming I'm easy I'm not sure. I've known him a long time and he has seen me date different people even friends of his. It is possible that friends have told him things about me sexually but I doubt it. I really hope not at least. It might be because I tried to help him gather his approach with his wife and their problems. He asked me questions about how to ask her for things etc. I'm pretty open about sex but i don't tend to get detailed. What a mess already. *sigh* I don't want this.

[frannie]

Since he has been married he has confided in me a many times. He has asked for advice and he has sometimes talked about his sexual incompatibility with his wife. He loves her and has no plans to leave her. Recently he started to flirt with me and he said some inappropriate things. I avoided them but I encouraged him to talk about what was making him act that way. I also encouraged him to talk to his wife. His talk with his wife didn't go very well.

 

After my recent break up he told me that he has thought about having an affair with me. He also told me that he is in love with me. I have told him that I will not do that and that I will not even think about him in that way because he is married.

 

I feel like I may have encouraged an EA and that was never my intent...

 

Bletch, and bletch. He says he wants an affair with you and talks about how 'sexually incompatible' he is with his wife. What an a-hole . I love the way he's trying to fit you in with his schedule, and moving in on you while you're getting over a break-up.

 

It's obvious you're a really nice person (and NO you are not to blame for his creepy actions!), and you have been trying to let him down lightly, but it sounds to me like he's the type who needs a sledgehammer.

 

Don't let worries about 'having encouraged him' blind you to the fact that he's something of a creep and has been trying to take advantage of you. Be firm.

[child_of_isis]

Yes it is exhausting. That is the whole point...to wear you down emotionally.

 

He has already made it clear that he hasn't any intention of leaving his W.

 

The next step is to get you to accept that.

 

This is so text book. It is nothing but plain ole grooming.

 

Update:

Text messages-

Him: "I'm really sorry. I never wanted to make you uncomfortable. Is it because you are still in love with (x) or are you really busy? I did not mean to imply anything sexual I just thought we could hang out."

 

Me: "I'm sure you didn't plan to tell (wife) that you were taking a day off. It's hard enough to know I have to see (x) eventually, please don't things harder for me. Yes, I am busy. I'll see you both (day). Please just understand."

 

Him: "I am an a***** I apologise."

 

at this point I'm not saying anything. I'm not answering him at all until the day we will all be together. This is exhausting.

[White Flower]

Update:

 

Him: I sort of am sorry, but not really. I am saying sorry because this is what I have to do to keep you in my life. I DO know what's what, so me asking if you still love your ex really doesn't apply because I DO get the fact that I am married and you're not into me because of that, but I still am going to pursue you .. .. (Thinks to himself - I'll just back off abit and then wait till the right moment to make another move or drop afew more hints, see if she'll take the bait this time...

 

He's trying to make you feel sorry for him...

 

I like Whichway's translation and I would like to add mine.

 

Original message:

 

Him: "I'm reall sorry. I never wanted to make you uncomfortable."=I assumed you were an easy mark, would be comfortable with it (that is why I even shared it with you), and I have misjudged you. Damn.

 

"Is it because you are still in love with (x) or are you really busy?"=These could be the only possiblitlies since I am God's gift to you and you alone, surely.

 

"I did not mean to imply anything sexual, I just thought we could hang out."=Of course I meant something sexual since I told you about me and my W's sexual incompatibility but now that you're telling me you're uncomfortable with the suggestion we hook up so I must make it look as though that was never my intention, especially since you know my W. Damn, damn, damn.

[Owl]

Suggestion.

 

Men communicate differently than women. And one who's focused on someone hears even LESS than a "normal" guy.

 

When you tell him, spell it out CLEARLY, and up front. Don't try to be nice with it...he'll deliberately misconstrue what you're trying to tell him so that it sounds like what he wants to hear.

 

Tell him up front, in five point blank sentences or less.

 

"I don't love you. I don't want to have an affair with you. Our friendship can only continue if you completely drop this entire thing, and NEVER raise it again. If you raise it again, our friendship ends forever. At this point, you need to go talk with your WIFE and solve your relationship problems there."

 

Anything less than that will prolong this entire situation indefinitely.

 

I'll be honest...at this point, your friendship is on deadly rocky ground as it is. Really, the best thing for both of you is to END the friendship now that he's crossed that line. Because MOST men (not all, but most) will continue to push and press until you give in, or give up and end the friendship.

 

But that's all up to you.

 

Good for you to draw some hardcore boundaries!!! Kudos!

[Trialbyfire]

Eewww...just shut the creep down. There's no reason to befriend someone like this.

[Lookingforward]

I like Whichway's translation and I would like to add mine.

 

Original message:

 

Him: "I'm reall sorry. I never wanted to make you uncomfortable."=I assumed you were an easy mark, would be comfortable with it (that is why I even shared it with you), and I have misjudged you. Damn.

 

"Is it because you are still in love with (x) or are you really busy?"=These could be the only possiblitlies since I am God's gift to you and you alone, surely.

 

"I did not mean to imply anything sexual, I just thought we could hang out."=Of course I meant something sexual since I told you about me and my W's sexual incompatibility but now that you're telling me you're uncomfortable with the suggestion we hook up so I must make it look as though that was never my intention, especially since you know my W. Damn, damn, damn.

 

 

sorry LC, I know this is serious but I am rolling here over Wfs translations LOLOL :lmao:

[underpants]

I had an issue like this a couple of years ago.

 

I was broken hearted and my long term friend for years started making strange suggestions.

 

From my perspective I was just blown away that the ex was insisting on a friendship and my good platonic friend of years, all of a sudden decided that we could be more then friends because he hit a 7 year stump in his M.

 

I listened to a little of his angst and offered some friendly advice. However, when it became apparent that he was considering a romantic involvement with me. I put up a huge wall.

 

I was willing to throw away our 20 year friendship, and that sucked. Especially in the face of my own break up.

 

I told him to fix his marriage or don't fix it. Regardless I would never be able to offer him anything more then a friendship and that I considered his wife to be a friend as well. I then called his best friend and told him to look out for his buddy.

 

He got really upset with me, but after a year or so he contacted me to thank me. I guess it forced him to acknowlege some stuff and he chose to work on his M instead of escaping and sabatoging it. He acknowledged that what I said and did upset him but that it was the kick in the pants that he needed. He thanked me for being his friend. They are currently looking to buy a home so I hope they worked through the patch and are happier for it. I think they are.

 

I don't hang out with them as often, maybe 1 or 2 times a year. I consider him a friend but that little experience did teach me to back off and respect their marriage even if they were having problems. I just make sure I'm not one of the problems.

 

Friendships change and morph over time and life experiences.

[OWoman]

I like Whichway's translation and I would like to add mine.

 

Original message:

 

Him: "I'm reall sorry. I never wanted to make you uncomfortable."=I assumed you were an easy mark, would be comfortable with it (that is why I even shared it with you), and I have misjudged you. Damn.

 

"Is it because you are still in love with (x) or are you really busy?"=These could be the only possiblitlies since I am God's gift to you and you alone, surely.

 

"I did not mean to imply anything sexual, I just thought we could hang out."=Of course I meant something sexual since I told you about me and my W's sexual incompatibility but now that you're telling me you're uncomfortable with the suggestion we hook up so I must make it look as though that was never my intention, especially since you know my W. Damn, damn, damn.

 

WF I think you should get a job at the UN as a simultaneous interpreter...

[LikeCharlotte]

Update:

He sent an email which I will not open. I have completely ignored him and have not been available at all since the last conversation. He had been online more than usual but I haven't had anymore calls or texts. I have decided that I am going to make plans with his wife when I see them just to drive my point home. She and I do not share a lot of common interests but there are a few and I can try to know her a little better. Maybe its guilt talking but I want her to trust me.

 

Now that I am seeing him in this light I really feel like she should know. It's not my place to interfere and I really do think that he won't try again with someone else. I do think that he will hire prostitutes. He was really seeming desperate and strange for awhile.

 

Maybe I'm being harsh but I really hate thinking that my friend is just a sneaky loser. I feel like I am going to have to lie to her face by just being around them. It's not fair.

 

We are all going to be together soon and I'm so angry about the betrayal of friendship now that I feel like I will say something. I can't back out of the plans but I really want to. I don't want to be so angry at him but our friendship is probably over.

 

You are all great! Thanks. I really do feel very empowered.