Am I able to take daughter on vacation??

[Kenyth]

What kind of complications do you mean? Like, seriously. I want to know. Better to be prepared. Do you mean there could be complications down the line in keeping my joint custody?

 

Your child is in the pre-school years right now I'm guessing? Visitation rights for young children are pretty liberal at least (Thank God). Once they start school, you go to the old 2 1/2 days every two weeks schedule.

 

You have to realize, joint custody still gives the custodial parent most of the rights. It all sounds good on paper, but the house where they go to school and invite their friends is the one where the child rearing primarily occurs. Your home is the one they "visit".

 

As long as you two don't have a conflict of interests, things will be fine. You may be in a better position than I was if you still live in the same town. If she want's to move and you don't live in the same town, there's not much you can do about it, even if it's across the country. If you live in the same town, you may have a decent chance of getting custody. Remember though, if you move out of the area, even by as little as twenty miles, you lose that edge.

 

Most of the issues down the line are related to kids getting their own lives and becoming more independant (teens). They get more activities to attend, a circle of friends generally centered around the custodial parents house, a girlfriend, a part-time job, etc. These things tend to make them like cancelling plans with visitation. Visitation starts becoming an inconvenience for them, cutting into their free time. Once again, if you live very close by, much of this can be alleviated. Then you can get other issues dealing with what the custodial parent allows them to do, how they allow them to dress, how much they keep after them on schoolwork, etc. If you become the disciplinarian and are also the non-custodial parent, you wind up in a bad position quickly. You're always the "@$$#013".

[delnoire]

Wow. that is all definitely food for thought. Thanks for giving me the scoop. I think about that stuff sometimes, though not in such detail. The only thing that definitely does not worry me is my ex trying to move out of town with my kid. In our court order I specifically requested that the GAL make it as absolutely impossible as he could to keep my ex from doing just that. My lawyer made she he did that, and the fact that I actually moved to our current city just to keep custody of my daughter also makes me look very good. I guess you can never say never, but I even heard the judge say (as she was looking the order over) "I hope you two like it here" implying that both of us would have to stay within the city if we wished to keep custody.

As for everything else. My ex and I live only about twenty blocks away from each other. And I am just as involved with my daughter's school as her mother is, so I'm sure when she gets older, that her friends will be hanging around my house just as much as her mothers.

 

What about your situation? Did all that stuff happen to you when your kids got older?

[Mary3]

The trip is irrelevant you need to worry about your safety while in MN. He could care less where you take the kids, he's trying to control you. So the question about custody is irrelevant.

 

I'd be getting a restraining order, and order of protection and/or whatever else is necessary. Frankly I'd be worry about him around the kids - has he ever been abusive to them?! Is there any concern that he will disappear with your kids? If yes to either one of these is yes, then I'd cease all visitation.

 

Are you afraid of his hurting you when you two exchange the kids? If so have someone else do it for you.

 

Good luck to you!

 

Exactly ! I don't think you or the kids are in a safe zone with this guy. He could do something serious like steal the kids or try to hurt you in some way.

 

You have your threats tape recorded. Go to the police. File a report . ASAP.

 

This guy could do something crazy because he is angry. And that means ANYTHING !

 

What kind of history does he have ? Violence ? Verbal Abuse ?

[Angel1111]

This man is still abusing you and you're letting him. Visitation should already be established. If you're taking the kids on vacation during YOUR time with them, you don't even have to tell him about the vacation, much less get his approval. The only time you need to get his consent is if you take them out of the country - then the other parent has to give written consent. Since Virginia is still in the USA the last time I checked, this vacation with your kids falls into the category of 'none of his business'.

 

Stop letting this idiot suck you into arguments and controlling your life. That's why you divorced him - to get away from that stuff. He's an abusive ass and doesn't deserve anything more than minimal conversation from you. Tell him that if he needs help understanding the divorce decree, to take it up with his lawyer. Over and out.

[Angel1111]

Why is he jealous of your friends in Virginia. I mean, from what you have posted, its obvious you can take your daughters there regardless of whether he approves or not, so its not really an issue. But there must be something more to this if he is so threatened by some people you know in virginia that he resorts to these kinds of childish tactics. Is there another man there? One you might potentially be involved with romantically? If that's the case then he is probably scared that he might be replaced one day as the 'daddy' to his girls and this is his way of trying to stall the inevitable. He probably doesn't like the idea of his daughters seeing some other guy spending time with mommy. Of course, this is just an assumption on my part, and if its wrong I apologize, but I think the reasons for you choosing to visit these friends in Virginia is probably pretty significant to your dilemna and you won't put your ex at ease, or yourself until you confront and resolve this particular issue.

 

You've apparently never had the pleasure of acquainting yourself with a true abuser. Let me fill you in - any opportunity to control, put down, control, yell at, belittle....oh, and did I mention control?....someone who they think belongs to them, they will use it. This is very simple, he's using this situation to argue with her and to see if he can still control her beyond the divorce. So far, he's doing a superb job.

[Angel1111]

Your child is in the pre-school years right now I'm guessing? Visitation rights for young children are pretty liberal at least (Thank God). Once they start school, you go to the old 2 1/2 days every two weeks schedule.

 

You have to realize, joint custody still gives the custodial parent most of the rights. It all sounds good on paper, but the house where they go to school and invite their friends is the one where the child rearing primarily occurs. Your home is the one they "visit".

 

As long as you two don't have a conflict of interests, things will be fine. You may be in a better position than I was if you still live in the same town. If she want's to move and you don't live in the same town, there's not much you can do about it, even if it's across the country. If you live in the same town, you may have a decent chance of getting custody. Remember though, if you move out of the area, even by as little as twenty miles, you lose that edge.

 

Most of the issues down the line are related to kids getting their own lives and becoming more independant (teens). They get more activities to attend, a circle of friends generally centered around the custodial parents house, a girlfriend, a part-time job, etc. These things tend to make them like cancelling plans with visitation. Visitation starts becoming an inconvenience for them, cutting into their free time. Once again, if you live very close by, much of this can be alleviated. Then you can get other issues dealing with what the custodial parent allows them to do, how they allow them to dress, how much they keep after them on schoolwork, etc. If you become the disciplinarian and are also the non-custodial parent, you wind up in a bad position quickly. You're always the "@$$#013".

 

My ex gets on my nerves big-time. But, despite that, I did not want my son to become alienated from his dad. Just my opinion but I just didn't see how seeing his son about 4 or 7 days a month would keep them close. So, my ex and I agreed to a visitation schedule where ex's weekends with our son were from Thurs (when he got out of school) through Monday morning (when school started). It was his job to make sure our son got home from school on Thurs, that he got to and from school on Friday, and to school on Monday. And for the week when he didn't have his son for the weekend, he had him from Thurs (when school ended) to Fri (when school started) - giving him a full night with him, instead of a few hours.

 

There were several beautiful things about this arrangement. Dad got a lot of time with his son on his weekends - Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon (not breaking up his Sunday with having to bring him to my house); ex and I hardly ever had to drop off and pick up our son at one another's house (holidays and summers occasionally changed this). Also, when our son was young, if he was with me, he wouldn't want to leave - so this aleviated that problem. It also created very limited time where ex and I had to deal with one another. Ex is notorius for being late so I had no intention of waiting for hours for him to bring our son to my house. It also gave me a lot of time to myself so that I wasn't an over-stressed single mom. And it didn't make our son feel like he was a yo-yo by going back and forth too much. Yes, sometimes he got tired of it but that was mostly because his dad makes him tired (still does, but that's a whole other story). Our son established a solid life at his dad's as much as he did at my house. Plus, we live within 10 miles of each other and are in the same school district. Neither of us can move out of the county with our child.

 

This kind of arrangement requires that both parents be extremely reliable so that neither parent wonders if the child is taken care of. In our case, this was not an issue. I can't emphasize enough what a great arrangement this was. Nothing is perfect but this was about as close as we could get. It was about as fair as I thought it could be for my ex, without making our son feel torn.

[Angel1111]

If he's threatening you physically (e.g. "I'm gonna kick your a**"), then you need to talk to your lawyer about that and get a restraining order. If your lawyer says you have custody and rights...then go by that. Don't give in to his threats....AND keep yourself safe....AND focus on our kids, and their wellbeing, along with your own. And yes, if you can safely travel, just let him know, and go.

 

If you have any reason to believe it would NOT be safe, then get the restraining order and go.

 

I agree - he has no right to make threats and you don't have to put up with it. I also believe he's a danger to your children and I would see about getting supervised visitation with them. This man is out of control and he needs a reality check.