kissingthecheek Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 And I am still missing him. I have gone totally NC- blocked him from viewing myspace page, blocked his calls and texts from my phone. He immediately got back on match.com and I have to stop myself from looking at his profile (have done well today- not even a peek). At some point this should get easier, right? I am not ready for a new relationship, though I know it would be a nice distraction. I don't want to jump out of the frying pan into the fire. Why am I still missing him? He was mean and hurt my feelings all the time and never loved me as much as I loved him. I don't even really want to be with him again and subject myself to all that hurt- I just miss him. This makes no sense. What will it take to forget and TRULY move on?
sedona Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I'm in the same boat, except it's ony been 2 weeks for me. If you find a magical solution, then please tell me. I guess that the real answer is time. A rotten answer, though. Sorry
Prosecco Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 It's not about forgetting. It's about being able to remember without hurting. Being able to remember without caring. Perhaps about regretting time wasted... but... unless someone smacks you in the head, forgetting isn't really going to happen. And that takes - time, a decision to get over it, a decision to realise it's not worth it. It takes dedicating your energies to things worth your while, and realising they're worth more than him. It takes getting on with your life, and deciding to add positive things to it. So - time and effort, really. No easy route. But you sound like you've started along the way...
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 I know you are in pain, and missing him, but I promis it will get better. It just takes time, and in the mean time, keep yourself as busy as you can, make sure you get your friends in your life, and keep them around as much as you can. Make sure you sleep, and eat. And cry if you need to. Trust me I know........its horrible, but it does get better. I'm at 3 mo. 3 weeks and I am fine......really. Just give yourself the space to grieve that you need, and do not and I reapeat do not beat yourself up for it. You did nothing wrong........
stlnsmile Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 And I am still missing him. I have gone totally NC- blocked him from viewing myspace page, blocked his calls and texts from my phone. He immediately got back on match.com and I have to stop myself from looking at his profile (have done well today- not even a peek). At some point this should get easier, right? I am not ready for a new relationship, though I know it would be a nice distraction. I don't want to jump out of the frying pan into the fire. Why am I still missing him? He was mean and hurt my feelings all the time and never loved me as much as I loved him. I don't even really want to be with him again and subject myself to all that hurt- I just miss him. This makes no sense. What will it take to forget and TRULY move on? Don't even think about dating right now.......wait......you are in no place to jump into something else.......grieve, its okay.......learn who you are again. Figure out and find out what makes you happy for once. Your missing him because its completely normal and natural to miss him. You were in a relationship with him and he was a big part of your life. And it takes time to fill those holes with other things. You will, and time is your best friend. It will be okay.
sedgwick Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) I've been NC for 7 months now and still feel all of this about as strongly as I did the day he left. I continue to love him unconditionally and miss him constantly. I dream of him more or less every night. I am not expecting, quite honestly, to get over this one. I think maybe there are some you don't. I deleted all his emails and threw away every bit of his stuff the day he left. Haven't looked at a photo or website related to him since. Doesn't matter, I can still close my eyes and see and feel him. I continue to love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. NC is maybe 10% easier for me today than it was the day he left. But it still hurts every minute of every day. I didn't even know it was possible to hurt this much until he left me. I've quite literally discovered whole new universes of pain and sadness. Sometimes I just start laughing because I can't believe how much it hurts. Edited April 4, 2008 by sedgwick
tealeafbud Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) There's this new pill I've heard about to forget your ex. It's called ForgetChurEx. What it does is pretty remarkable. It claims to make you forget almost everything related to your ex. It makes your forget the most of the good memories you had, the bad memories, the meals that you've shared, the experiences you've had and everything associated with him. It makes you live your life as if you have moved on from that point on. He or she remains a distant memory. Kind of like remembering what you wore on christmas 5 years ago. You know you wore clothes, but not necessarily which outfit. The pill also claims to erase all of the hurt associated with the break up, and all of the time after the breakup when you were saying nasty things to each other and saying things you did not mean. Most importantly, the pill prevents you from missing the other person. You being to miss the other person like you miss getting pulled over by the cops, or you miss them as much as your last dentist appointment. And if you don't miss him, you won't contact him. When and if he/she calls, the pill claims that you will instantly associate him/her as a solicitor selling insurance door to door, with an attitude of "I wish I didn't have to deal with these silly Solictors". some of the side effects include Not Breathing, Not Eating, and Not sleeping. If you associated him/her with any of these normal daily activities, taking this pill is not recommended. Edited April 4, 2008 by tealeafbud
Sfbaygirl415 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Awww.. I'd be the first one in line for a bottle of those pills. LOL Sedg.. everytime I read your postings.. I can so feel your pain and can relate to what you're saying. I had a super hard with an ex of 2 1/2 years ago. It was the hardest time of my life when we split.. and he's one of those that no.. I will never get over. I do believe there are some you just keep in your heart and don't get over. What makes it worse is that we have two daughters together and he's not in their lives nor mine.. we've had NC forever and it's been 2 1/2 yrs since we were last together. It feels like just yesterday that I was with him. And if I were to see him face to face.. I know my heart would drop...my knees would weaken.. that's just the way it is. I haven't had a heartache since him until most recently.. and that's what brought me to this message board. I couldn't believe that a guy who I've known for a few months could cause me so much pain. I figure.. if I got over the ex from 2 1/2 yrs ago, I can get over this guy too. Honestly, I don't know why this recent ex of a few months is so hard for me to get over. It hurts.. and it brings back memories of past hurts.. Somedays I am doing well, other days I still feel connected to him and can't move on. To the original person who posted this.. I'm sorry.. I know that sedg's and my post only show you that time can heal and sometimes time doesn't heal it at all. Just hang in there as we have.. you can do it hun. I know it's hard.. and I know it's hard thinking that he's moved on already and is on match.com But you know what? He's not going to find happiness like this.. he can't just hop from one person to another and expect happiness. I am a true believer in karma. I've seen it happen to my ex's and to other people I know.. Have faith.. believe.. and trust in it. Even though you may or many not ever fully get over this guy.. your life will go on and you will be fine. You will be better.. and you will find happiness. Believe in the karma and believe in your happiness.
btc8 Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 It gets much easier day after day and a lot easier week after week. I know that sounds like a crock, but I was in your same position a month and a half ago, and I thought I would die (but you are doing much better than I was in regards to the NC thing and blocking his texts). Everyone heals at her own pace, and the key thing that you must realize is that you cannot rush the process of grieving. You must feel sad when you feel sad; you must feel lonely when you feel lonely. Do not try to control your feelings, just let yourself feel them, and they will pass. You're doing great so far; keep going. You won't devolve, you can only heal at this point.
macon Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 Really? After 7 months it still hurts almost the same? I'm at 8 months now and I definitely still miss the man I thought I had - my fantasy of him - but I know that's not the real guy, and that's just a bunch of my expectations, hopes and dreams all bundled up with him. I find I can still spend time daydreaming about him, and I often wake up having dreamt about him - but it no longer hurts that much. I'm comfortable because I know I'm better off without him - I've got myself back and I'm much happier not having to justify myself or compromise with someone who didn't really seem to like my way f doing stuff very much. If you're still as hurt after 7 months have you thought about counselling? It should have lessened - definitely still present in your life, but it shouldn't hurt like it did in the first week. Do you think this may be indicative of something within you that believes you're not lovable? Maybe that he was the only one because you don't believe you deserve it?
sedgwick Posted April 4, 2008 Posted April 4, 2008 (edited) Really? After 7 months it still hurts almost the same? If you're still as hurt after 7 months have you thought about counselling? It should have lessened - definitely still present in your life, but it shouldn't hurt like it did in the first week. Do you think this may be indicative of something within you that believes you're not lovable? Maybe that he was the only one because you don't believe you deserve it? Yes, it still hurts the same. I love him and always will. As I have said many times on these boards, I have a therapist and have for many years. I've even written here about the kinds of therapy I've done. Do I think I'm not lovable? You betcha. Do I think I don't deserve it? Absolutely. I felt differently about that before I met him -- thought I was and I did. I haven't seen my shrink once since the breakup that I didn't just cry through the whole session. The antidepressants don't help. He all but destroyed me. The day he left my life became all about functioning and getting by. I've felt some glimmers of happiness since then, but nothing like before. When you find out that the person you love with a sincerity and purity you never knew existed would prefer not to speak to you or know you at all, it's like something in you just dies. Or it did with me, anyway. I felt so much joy and beauty in my life when I found him -- it was like everything I'd always been waiting for just came together. And now it feels like it was all a cruel joke, like I was put on the planet to find and love and support this person, and after 35 years, I finally found him -- but oops, I wasn't good enough for him. I used to be a pretty happy person. Now I'm proud of myself if I can pull it together enough to leave the house. My life is about functioning, about doing what I have to get done. It's a kind of life, I suppose...not like the joyful, beautiful one I had before, but I know there are people who have it worse. Edited April 4, 2008 by sedgwick
Chinook Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 Guys, I read a few of your postings. I posted this around 10 months ago now... the day after the break up. It's heart-breaking. But I can honestly say, it does get easier (note: I didn't say better). There are a lot of days when you think about only the other person. There are some days when you feel like you're going to go insane unless you talk to people and do things, so you do.. but you're half there and half some place else whilst you do it. Most of all... you think it will never end. Let me tell you it will never end. Know why..? That person is a part of you now, a part of your past. Your dilemma isn't learning how to forget, it's learning how to remember without pain, without torment. Another thing, I'm not going to tell you to walk through life being 'busy' because ultimately, it doesn't work... it simply delays things. I'm going to go against the grain and tell you to give that hurt and pain space, let it walk around a little inside you, let it hurt until the tears don't fall any more. Once you're all cried out, once you're all thought out, that's when the healing can begin... because you reach a point, whether you want to or not, where you think 'I can't do this anymore' and you move on. You remember with less pain and heartache.... because you have to. Your head and heart both know that to survive you have to stop hurting sometime. Some people it takes a day... others it can take a year. It takes as long as it takes. Just let it be.. and be patient, sooner or later it will be done with.
Author kissingthecheek Posted April 5, 2008 Author Posted April 5, 2008 Very sage advice and very much appreciated.
stlnsmile Posted April 5, 2008 Posted April 5, 2008 I hope no one though I was just saying move around it'll make it all better. Believe me I've cried a thousand hours of tears. There were other times when I had to suck it up because he was right in my face as were all his friends. I believe you have to feel everything, and I mean everything to heal, it is a mourning process, and until YOU are done with it, your not done. Everyone has their own time frame and some take years, some take months....it depends on the person. Everyone's situation is different. But for me, it did get better. And I don't want her to think it will never get better. Because while I still think about my ex, it does not hurt hardly at all compared to when it first happened. Three weeks in I was a mess, two months in, I was still a mess but really working through it, 3 mo and 3 weeks in, I am done, but there are also reasons for that. But no matter what, no one dies from this, and each person gains knowledge of themselves through it. It will be okay....and it will get better......but you take whatever time you need and don't be mad at yourself for needing it.
Recommended Posts