The 'no contact' torture hell...

[Chinook]

So, I skipped work today. I had scheduled one student tutorial and she was a bright enthusiastic first year degree student. I kinda figured with my hangover and all, that I wasn't going to be in any charitable mood to be listening to the whining of assignment-panic from a student who should know better. So, I got out of my pit at 7am and emailed her and cancelled. It wouldn't have done her any good and I'd have felt really bad afterwards and seeing as I'm feeling pretty bad already, I'm not really seeing the need to pile more angst on. So, I then took the rest of the day at home (pretty much working on next week's presentations for class, so I have done something at least!)

 

So today was supposed to be about wallowing and getting through the first 24 hours or so. According to just about every single web page you read out there, the idea after a break-up is to NOT to contact your ex. Apparently, it makes it more painful because you never get over the pain see. I can see that.

 

Have to say, just thinking of someone who was such a HUGE part of my life as ex-anything is really painful right now. So to go one stretch further and not contact that person is pretty difficult. How do you go from one moment, having that person in your life and being a part of the very fabric of your heart and soul so that you live and breathe with them.... to nothing...? How utterly unrealistic, sadistic and sad is that...?

 

So that's where the torture starts. The unbearable pain. What is he doing...? How is he...? Is he thinking about me...? Why hasn't he contacted to ask how I am...? How can he just stop everything so abruptly...? etc etc etc. The list is endless of the self-torture you can put yourself through. It's mentally draining too. But does it stop...? No....on and on it goes. It's a constant litany of questions and your own internal monster is trying to lay the blame on you and trying to torture you for what you did wrong and what could be different.

 

You try to take some comfort from the fact that neither of you said that you didn't love each other anymore. You try to console yourself that he's feeling as bad - but you never quite know for sure. It's hell. You ask your friends 'when does it stop hurting so badly?' They can't tell you. Everyone has been through it, but no one knows what to say because it takes as long as it takes. You hear cliché after cliché... most of which you have heard coming from your own mouth when you have consoled friends in similar circumstances. You know how this plays out. It hurts. That's all there is to it.

 

So on and on the 'no contact' torture goes.... that is, until he does send an email. For a blessed moment, there is relief... he is thinking about you; he does miss you too; it's true, he feels like crap too....and so on. Then the pain hits worse than it was to start with earlier in the day because it hits home that although he's said 'I'm still here; I won't take my friendship away' ... he's actually not still really there and even though you said the same thing to him too... you know that 'friends' is going to be a stupidly monumentally unrealistic thing for you both. It's so very damn painful. The pain of him being out there for you; but not being able to reach out and ask for a hug; not being able to say 'please lets not do this to each other, can't we find a way around it'; the pain of knowing that despite all the pain you feel - what he's saying on the page there, still says goodbye and take care and finally, the pain of knowing that despite how you feel, it was always going to end this way... so no matter how many times you put each other through this, it will end in pain and torture. So, it's just best to get it over with now.

 

But... right now...

 

It's so damn painful you vomit the crap up from your tummy because you haven't eaten properly. It's so painful that the tears burn your throat and sting your eyes. It's so painful that you can't breathe. Yet - he's sent a mail. It would be churlish not to respond when he's tried to close things without being bitter and hurtful, even though you know that responding risks continuing the cycle of torture and pain. You know that the cycle of pain will continue if you write a response and he replies to it ad infinitum. Yet... it doesn't stop you. You write back and tell him it's brief because it's too painful right now to write in detail and you thank him for writing... you don't give any encouragement for him to write back. You click 'send' and break down in tears... sobbing your heart out because of how far apart you have now become.

 

As if that isn't bad enough, you then sit watching the inbox all afternoon, waiting for a reply that you don't really want to come; but at the same time you wish it would come and you wish it would take all the pain and hurt away. Finally, when you realise that you have wasted 7 hours staring at the inbox for a mail which isn't coming and you've only been pretending to talk to friends, or giving the semblance of coping.... you decide you should close the mail client down. You finally reach the point again of saying to yourself 'now... we're back to no contact, because that heals'. Right..?!

[Chinook]

Sorry. I wrote the above... about my day today... to kinda point out to people why sticking to NC works. Eventually.

[EIN]

I agree with you that NC does work but once in awhile, I do have to admit myself that, the little guilt demon comes up on you and you go through a mood where you're reflecting your actions and self blaming for a failed relationships. I guess that is what us human, the ability to try to reason and rationalize things but I believe personally, it is how you carry on after the experience or events that defines us. Are you going to sit and wait? As for me, honestly, sometimes I do but I know that person(s) won't so I have no other choice but to move foward and say to myself that maybe one day, our paths will cross again and then a brighter story will unfold. As I remember one member in these forums once posted on her tag and I am quoting her "The hardest part of moving foward is not looking back." All the Best. BTW congrts to myself for my 100th post. Hope this one will help you as my other 99 might have for others. Take Care and Smile, its a brand new day before you know it.

[9Lives]

Sorry. I wrote the above... about my day today... to kinda point out to people why sticking to NC works. Eventually.

 

You did a fine job of describing the agony of NC. I loved it. And you are normal. This is called "cold turkey" withdrawl symptom without medication. So I feel your pain and so do many of us on LS. You have come to a good place. As a matter of fact, I too am doing NC going on only 2 days and it really is painful. I do the same thing.....stay at home and have a "meltdown" in the privacy of my own home until I build up the strength to get out the house. At this time, I am at work so I feel a little better.

 

I AM HERE FOR YOU. I live on LS right now because without the people here, I would lose my mind for real. What I have done is write down things to feed my brain to keep me from doing something stupid like.....contact the x. It would not do any good in my situation. He is gone. I am going to let him go. I am inlove with him but it will not work now. So I do understand the pain. Just pour your heart out here. Someone can help you....believe me. You are in a good place.

 

If you really want to break up with your x...remember why and try to make it. Try to build yourself back up and think your situation out completely. You are going to be fine. Your friends really dont want to hear it alot. No one but us here on LS who understand what you have been dealing with.

 

Why did you break up anyway?

[Chinook]

Take Care and Smile, its a brand new day before you know it.

I know you're right. Right now it's raw though and I find myself wishing to be a month into the future, when it is less so. I'm barely through the first 24 hours after getting dumped - even though I knew it was probably coming. I guess I'm still doing the stages of grief thing. I know it will change and the pain will lessen. Eventually.

[9Lives]

I know you're right. Right now it's raw though and I find myself wishing to be a month into the future, when it is less so. I'm barely through the first 24 hours after getting dumped - even though I knew it was probably coming. I guess I'm still doing the stages of grief thing. I know it will change and the pain will lessen. Eventually.

 

What happen to love? why is it over

[Chinook]

You did a fine job of describing the agony of NC. I loved it.

 

Thankyou. Normally, I don't do so well expressing my emotions verbally - I write everything down so I kinda figured if it hurts for me, it must hurt for everyone at some stage - so maybe describing it will help someone else too.

 

I AM HERE FOR YOU. I live on LS right now because without the people here, I would lose my mind for real. What I have done is write down things to feed my brain to keep me from doing something stupid like.....contact the x.

 

Again, thankyou. I don't know what I need right now. I do know I can't contact him. If writing here works and sharing helps then that has to be good.

 

Why did you break up anyway?

 

You know, if I could pinpoint a reason why he broke up with me, I would - but basically I don't really know why it happened in the end. We were fighting too much; it was long distance for half the week and neither of us dealt well with it; communication issues on both sides. Lots of factors contributed to it on both sides. I'm not blameless. Neither is he. I saw it coming and no matter how much I feel for him, I know it isn't going to work really. But knowing all that right now, doesn't really help with the pain.

[Chinook]

What happen to love? why is it over

 

It's over because he was pushed to breaking point by one too many fights. We've put each other through this break-up and make-up routine four times already. We both wanted it to work - yet we're both control freaks and push each others' buttons when it isn't working. I think he's controlling and he thinks I am. I posted a thread about a week ago called power struggles and basically we keep doing this to each other - so no matter how much you feel for someone, at some point it just gets to the point where you have to say 'stop, it's too much, I can't do this anymore' and he did that yesterday.

 

I know that he will try to contact me still because he has a house key of mine. I'm hoping that he will just mail it to me. But I've a feeling he will use it as an excuse to contact me. I don't want to contact him and ask for him or go to collect it. It's too much right now and it's too painful. I know he isn't going to use it - I could just change the locks anyhow. But I know he will contact again because of that.

[9Lives]

Well you know what my friend? He is feeling it too. You are the lucky one. You can talk about it and get it out. It is very difficult to let someone you love go. I breaks you down.

 

Do what you have to do to feel better? You need you right now. Nobody else matters. You need to get your mind right, your feelings healed, and some peace of mind. Dont worry about him..he feels it too.

Right now if you try to talk about it with him, chances are things will get worst and you are in no shape to get worst. Get thru the meltdown. Eat ice cream, cry, yell, work..do whatever you have to do...Of course dont hurt yourself but be extra nice to yourself and keep talking to us. We will help with the pain.

 

I need you too as well....remember I am only on day 2. wow!!!

[child_of_isis]

Wow! That was painful to read, so I know you must be hurting like hell.

 

Hang in there. Try not to drink if it makes it worse. Write, puke, scream, whatever it takes. I feel for ya.

[Chinook]

He is feeling it too. You are the lucky one. You can talk about it and get it out. It is very difficult to let someone you love go.

 

Yeah I know. I don't even think he will have that many friends to talk to about it.

 

Hang in there. Try not to drink if it makes it worse. Write, puke, scream, whatever it takes. I feel for ya.

 

Yeah, I didn't drink yesterday. I know that makes it worse. It was needed the first day because I knew the feelings were too painful, so they were blocked inside and needed to come out. Writing will probably help make it better. Nothing else does at the moment.

[sao2]

I want to say more, but then I just talk about my situation. Your post describes the feeling perfectly. Thank you, makes us feel less alone.

 

Definitely don't drink your troubles away, I went that route once or twice before, wasn't good.

[Hestia]

wow i never saw it so well described! its just like how i feel! hang on in there okay? i'll probably be in your situation soon, my boyfriend and i dont really have a future together for other reasons although we love each other so much. but it was nice to remember we dont die if we break up. we just suffer...

take care.

[9Lives]

Sorry. I wrote the above... about my day today... to kinda point out to people why sticking to NC works. Eventually.

 

How are you feeling today Chinook? I feel alittle off. Day 3 of NC. Got a bulls/hit text saying hello last night. Did not answer it. I'm still trying to deal with this NC stuff myself. I think I am begining to hate him.

[Hestia]

How are you feeling today Chinook? I feel alittle off. Day 3 of NC. Got a bulls/hit text saying hello last night. Did not answer it. I'm still trying to deal with this NC stuff myself. I think I am begining to hate him.

 

hate is good, makes it hurt less.

[Chinook]

How are you feeling today Chinook? I feel alittle off. Day 3 of NC. Got a bulls/hit text saying hello last night. Did not answer it. I'm still trying to deal with this NC stuff myself. I think I am begining to hate him.

 

Today has been kinda tough. I got through the stuff I needed to at work. Did my job and came home again. It's been a mixed day really. I started out this morning feeling kinda shot to ***** because I'd had a rough night's sleep. I haven't drunk any alcohol since the dumping occurred though - so brownie points there. Then I kinda got angry because I kept thinking that you know, we could have got through anything, he actually made the choice to END it though instead. When someone ends a relationship what they're saying to you is "I don't want you anymore" and "My future doesn't include you in it" which hurts you a lot and leaves you with your future being re-written (and not how you wanted it) and your dreams lying smashed and broken. So it kinda hurt that someone who was supposed to still love me could treat me this way you know.

 

The other thing is, I have a blog where I've just let rip with how I'm feeling (if anyone wants a read, pm me and I'll send the address on). I gave him the address months and months ago because it was a triathlon and marathon training blog. He rarely checked it. Last night he checked it out three times and then 5 times today. No texts, no msn, no mails. I've deleted his msn ID and his number from my phone and I'd blogged that I had no intention about contacting him - the blog kinda makes it clear that I'm focused on getting over this. So not had anything directly but he is checking it out.

[Chinook]

Sorry, double posting!

[Chinook]

Not sure what happened with the triple posting thing here!

[Chinook]

Sadness...

 

I have three days off now. I need them I guess because I've literally blundered through yesterday and today. I was supposed to go to Wombledon (my friend's house in London - 3 hours away) for the weekend... but I just couldn't drive south. I've driven that road too many times for it not to be painful. He lives 40 mins away from Wombledon.

 

I should really be with people this weekend I guess but I just can't seem to get it together. I just don't know what to do with myself. It's raining outside and inside. I can't eat anything. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to walk any place. I thought I might run tonight but I really don't want to because all the routes are 'our' routes. I don't want to go on the bike. I'm wandering through the house like a ghost with no home. It's really painful.

 

I can talk bravado all I want but it just really really hurts right now and there's no way of stopping it. The NC torture demons are continuing. Why..? How..? Why does it have to be this way..? Doesn't he care about me...? How can it be over...? etc etc etc. I cried in the shower this morning. I've lost count how many times I've stood in that shower, weeping and begging any god who would listen to please stop the pain. I could reach out and call him. I could ask him how he is. But there's no point is there...? He doesn't want me anymore and my heart is breaking. I vowed my heart would lie locked in a stone cold sarcophagus before I would ever let anyone into it again. How stupid can you be...?! He took it without me even seeing it coming. What kind of defence is there to that...? Jesus, this hurts so badly.

[9Lives]

Chinook,

 

I have done the same thing. I really feel better knowing I am not the only one who meltsdown in the shower. I have done it and felt so stupid. I am now see that it is human nature. So you shouldn't feel so bad.

 

Three days off....man!! Well if you are not going to get out the house why dont you just rent some movies....buy some food you enjoy eating and talk to us all weekend long so you wont think about it as much. We can talk you thru it. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES. Other than hurting yourself. Please. You need it. Sometimes driving helps you. Just find ways to get this out. I am speaking from experience...YOu have to TOTALLY..TOTALLLY PAMPER YOURSELF.

[frd150]

hate is good, makes it hurt less.

 

I really wish i could hate. I just cant hate her.

[Chinook]

I really wish i could hate. I just cant hate her.

 

You know, hate makes you less of a human being. It eats at YOUR soul not theirs. It makes YOU feel bad not them. Not being able to hate, isn't such a bad thing IMHO. As much as xMr Chinook hurt me, I can still honestly say that I love him and I am blessed he was in my life. He may be gone now and I have to deal with that; but my life is RICHER for him having been there.

[9Lives]

You know, hate makes you less of a human being. It eats at YOUR soul not theirs. It makes YOU feel bad not them. Not being able to hate, isn't such a bad thing IMHO. As much as xMr Chinook hurt me, I can still honestly say that I love him and I am blessed he was in my life. He may be gone now and I have to deal with that; but my life is RICHER for him having been there.

 

yeah my x left me better off in a way than I was before but he also left me hurt like I have never been hurt before too. I have not gotten to the point where I see him in a good light. I am angry right now. Angry that we are not together.

[frd150]

I do agree with both of you. In my still sad state of mind i sometimes think that it would have been easier for me if she had done something really bad. No she was awsome all the way to the end.We just grew apart. perfectly fixable but both need to be willing to try.

 

She has done some odd things post break up that caused me to be upset with her but hate, no .I have always lived by the hate is a strong word idea. You can be hurt and upset but Chinook you are right. Hate can eat at you and make you more miserable in the end.

 

I have come along way and folks it does get better.Faster for some than others.There are a couple of people here that helped me big time. I still miss her and her family terribly.I thought she was the one.

[Hestia]

i dont "hate" him but i try to. its too soon to think of how good it was to have him in my life because i run the risk of falling in love with my fantasies again and that will hurt me more.