Lizzie60 Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 From your list, I feel that you've been burnt real bad, and at a very young age.. you've had probably one of the worst experience with a SO... sorry about that... ... but you've got to be more realistic about your expectations.. The only guy I think you could find, in 2008, would be a loner, extremely shy, not too good looking, with a bad case of acne, who works in the back store of a WalMart, virgin (obviously)... then you could find what you're looking for.. Seriously.. I wish you good luck.. cause you'll need all the luck in the world to find what you're looking for. and, you should seek therapy, cause you've been hurt to the core.. and you need help...
NuTuDating Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Yeah, this whole thing is ridiculous. I have them in my bedroom, too. This doesn't mean I'm a player or even that I have a lot of partners. It just means I have condoms in a drawer in my room. That's it. You've jumped to conclusions and you don't have all the facts, and furthermore, you're not even dating him.
Covonia Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 The only guy I think you could find, in 2008, would be a loner, extremely shy, not too good looking, with a bad case of acne, who works in the back store of a WalMart, virgin (obviously)... then you could find what you're looking for.. How stereotypical. My friend is one of the most handsome men you'll ever meet and he has never had sex, because he has never been in a committed relationship with a girl, he's had offers, plenty in fact, but he hasn't found what he's looking for. He's no loner, he's not shy and has no acne and attends Uni. You've clearly watched too much American Pie or American teenage drama's. Some people get off on one night stands, some don't, but stereotypes like yours are just as ridiculous as CG's jealousy over a packet of condoms.
Lizzie60 Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 How stereotypical. My friend is one of the most handsome men you'll ever meet and he has never had sex, because he has never been in a committed relationship with a girl, he's had offers, plenty in fact, but he hasn't found what he's looking for. He's no loner, he's not shy and has no acne and attends Uni. You've clearly watched too much American Pie or American teenage drama's. Some people get off on one night stands, some don't, but stereotypes like yours are just as ridiculous as CG's jealousy over a packet of condoms. You got my point..
Author cutegirl Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 So... are you on birth control? If so, by your own logic you are promiscuous and not worthy of a serious relationship. Nope, not on birth control. Only used condoms with my ex, but I was in a serious relationship though, that was the difference.
youngbuckkk Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 If it bothers you so much why don't you ask him about his condoms and if he has had casual sex before in his life. His response will probably either be: a) No, i'm not into that they are just leftovers from a past relationship. b) Who hasn't Then you got your answer on whether or not he fills your prerequisite. 99.99% he goes with B and you can continue your search.
SoleMate Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Having a box of condoms does NOT mean he has a lot of partners. Not even close. It means he probably has had sex or hopes to have it some day, AND he thinks ahead to be ready. I understand that you want to consider him as a lover and wish to know more about his past experiences and attitudes towards sexuality. I suggest....talking to him.
Trimmer Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 If it bothers you so much why don't you ask him about his condoms and if he has had casual sex before in his life. His response will probably either be: a) No, i'm not into that they are just leftovers from a past relationship. b) Who hasn't Then you got your answer on whether or not he fills your prerequisite. 99.99% he goes with B and you can continue your search. Or, given that she isn't intimate with him yet, perhaps his answer will be c) "HTF do you know I have condoms in my room?" I want a boyfriend, I just dont want kids and I don't want to get married. I am not traditional. I don't need a piece of paper to validate it for me. I think it's a very good point, made by other posters above, that you are a non-traditional person, seeking someone else who exhibits notably traditional behavior, yet who will be interested in a "serious," but non-traditional relationship with you. Incidentally, I don't think the "laundry list" is all that unusual, on its face. My only concerns are "doesn't lie" (although if I can assume you have some flexibility here in terms of inconsequential stuff like impressing each other, etc. then I get it. After all, you won't let a guy see you without makeup; strictly speaking, isn't that a kind of a deception?) and "not promiscuous" (which I think is more about one's own boundaries of "promiscuity" than some well-established objective definition.) Other than those two caveats, heck, I meet your list, it doesn't seem too hard. Why do you think it's unreasonable for me to able to find a guy like that though Trimmer? Do you really think that 100 percent of all males by age of 30 have had casual sex already? Can you estimate the percentage of guys by that age who have had casual sex? I'm just curious. No, I certainly don't think that 100.000 percent of all males by age 30 have had casual sex. But I think the percentage is probably pretty high, and I think you are already in a grey area when you define "casual sex" simply in terms of "while not involved in a serious relationship." Is "serious" defined strictly in terms of length of relationship? Or is it in terms of intentions for the long-term prospects for a relationship? Or is it in terms of the personal connection, respect, and intimacy shown, even if it is a relatively short-term liaison? So no, it's not mathematically impossible that you might find someone, but I think that engaging in an already difficult search (to find a compatible relationship partner) is made significantly more difficult when you add additional low-probability constraints. I'm not saying that you should have no standards, just that the more constraints you have, and the stricter those constraints are, the lower will be the probability of success as you define it. What is it about someone who has had "casual sex" in his past that you think makes him an unsuitable partner for you? I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel that way, I'm just trying to understand it, and probe the boundaries a little. Would a 30 year-old who, over a decade, had some "serious" relationships, but also some short-term, but caring and respectful intimate relationships as well, still fail to meet your requirements? I guess what I'm saying is that in my world, I don't see why that would rule out that person as having the potential to be a balanced, caring, intimate partner.
shanny Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 If you saw empty condom wrappers, that would be totally different. Seriously... relax. This could be a GREAT guy and you are judging him off of something very silly!
kikikiwi Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 If he obviously does not meet your list of must haves, then move on! If I was so repulsed by the condoms as you seem to be, then I'd most certainly lose interest in him and find another guy!! Plus, what is the point of having a laundry list if you were still considering to pursue him (even after the fact u found out about his condoms)?!?!?!
AllInOne Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 this is my 30 point laundry list : -Not promiscuous -Someone who has never banged a hooker/escort/call girl doesn't go on sex vacations to Thailand, Amsterdam, Eastern Europe etc - Someone who can support himself (I am extremely independent and support myself. I insist on splitting EVERYTHING 50/50 down to the penny). I just refuse to support a man financially. I had to support my ex, pay his credit card bills, cell bill, medical bills, he lived with me rent free, etc. He even dared to ask me for an allowance! - Someone who is not abusive and won't hit me, spit on me, withdraw money out of my bank account without asking (like my ex), won't emotionally abuse me -Someone who doesn't hate my family for no reason (for example my ex hated my mother just because I sent her money, he was jealous) - Someone who won't cheat and bang whores or other women behind my back -Someone who doesn't lie It's a pretty tall laundry list I suppose This seems reasonable to me. I am not interested in dating women that have engaged in casual sex so it seems perfectly reasonable to me that you would want that too. However, I think finding a guy that does not engage in casual sex and who does not want to get married might be a little harder for you to find. I also think you are totally overreacting to the condoms.
ShoeGirl Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Well, I'm close to this person. I'm sure this person is telling me the truth. So even if I saw it firsthand, do you still think it would be ridiculous for me to be making these assumptions? I don't doubt that there are condoms in his room but you are making assumptions about his sex life based on condoms in his room and that is ridiculous! Why don't you get to know him a little better and make your decision about him off of how he really is not a box of condoms?
Trialbyfire Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Can't resist. I still like the idea of being a condom counter. It makes me laugh. Edit - my apologies cutegirl but "don't count your condoms, until they've hatched".
StartingOver07 Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 BECAUSE HE IS NOT IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP!!! The last one he had was over one and half years ago and I'm SURE those condoms are not from back them. So that's why it means he is promiscuous!! It means he could be having sex with people he is not in a serious relationship. That's not the kind of guy I want. How do you know how old the condoms are? Maybe they are from his last r/s. Maybe he dated someone who he thought things would work out with, so he bought the condoms just in case, but then the r/s didn't pan out. Maybe he did have sex with someone he was dating casually. Does this necesarily equate to promiscuousness? Maybe he received them a gag gift. Maybe... CG, why don't you try getting to know this man and then you can learn about his character based on his words and deeds, rather than whether he has some condoms in his apartment.
Author cutegirl Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 Would a 30 year-old who, over a decade, had some "serious" relationships, but also some short-term, but caring and respectful intimate relationships as well, still fail to meet your requirements? I guess what I'm saying is that in my world, I don't see why that would rule out that person as having the potential to be a balanced, caring, intimate partner. What would rule it out for me is retroactive jealousy, I can get jealous over past partners... Being compared to other women in the past and feeling like I have to compete with them. I would have more to live up to. Knowing that he had special moments with "many" others before me and that would make me feel less significant and special. I want to feel like I am the only one. How can I be special when there were so many before me? I would be nothing but just another number. It would also make me think that if he had casual sex before he might crave that variety again of different women and get sick of me. Why would he want to be with one person when he's had all that variety? He's already had a taste of it. He knows how good it can be. All men want variety, but if he's already had it then he'll know how it was actually like and he will get tired of me eventually. If a guy hasn't had a lot of partners then he can be a blank canvas that I can paint on, but with so many before me it's just muddled with too many colors. How would I be able to leave my mark?
Author cutegirl Posted March 23, 2008 Author Posted March 23, 2008 Is "serious" defined strictly in terms of length of relationship? Or is it in terms of intentions for the long-term prospects for a relationship? Or is it in terms of the personal connection, respect, and intimacy shown, even if it is a relatively short-term liaison? I think "serious" to me is defined as in terms of length of relationship AND in terms of intentions for the long term prospects of a relationship. A short term liaison even with personal connection respect and intimacy does not count for me. If it was so serious etc then why was it short term? It would make me think that perhaps even though he had a connection with someone he still just wanted to bang them and then move on to the next woman. This would show me that the guy craves a lot of different partners/variety and if so then why would they want to be with me? They just want to sample everything out there.
StartingOver07 Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 If it was so serious etc then why was it short term? It would make me think that perhaps even though he had a connection with someone he still just wanted to bang them and then move on to the next woman. This would show me that the guy craves a lot of different partners/variety and if so then why would they want to be with me? They just want to sample everything out there. This just shows why you need to get to know him. Maybe your assumptions are right. But what if he was in a r/s that he thought would be long-term but it was ended for him? The girl went back to her ex, or decided to take a job in another state and didn't want an LDR, or she cheated. There are so many possibilities, CG. You don't have to make a commitment to him just to get to know him. If he's interesting enough to warrant 4 pages of posts here, isn't he worth getting to know before you reach your judgment?
blind_otter Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 So you are saying that there is not ONE man out there in the world around 30 who has NEVER had casual sex before? Well I know this one guy who hasn't had casual sex before. He lives in Birmingham. Are you close to there? He's 29. But he's pretty much the only guy I know out of all the men I've ever met who is like that. He also has an extremely low sex drive, from what I hear. Extreeeeeeeemely low.
Trimmer Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 (edited) What would rule it out for me is retroactive jealousy, I can get jealous over past partners... Being compared to other women in the past and feeling like I have to compete with them. I would have more to live up to. Knowing that he had special moments with "many" others before me and that would make me feel less significant and special. I want to feel like I am the only one. How can I be special when there were so many before me? I would be nothing but just another number. Well, I'm glad you see it as your own issue, and not a reflection on his morals or anything. It's good to know what you could handle, what your boundaries are. It would also make me think that if he had casual sex before he might crave that variety again of different women and get sick of me. Why would he want to be with one person when he's had all that variety? He's already had a taste of it. He knows how good it can be. All men want variety, but if he's already had it then he'll know how it was actually like and he will get tired of me eventually. If a guy hasn't had a lot of partners then he can be a blank canvas that I can paint on, but with so many before me it's just muddled with too many colors. How would I be able to leave my mark? I could look at it another way. Once he has been with you for a while, your "ideal guy" may start to think that he hasn't had much variety in his life. He may start to think, "Hmmm, gee, maybe it would be interesting to get some other colors on my canvas before I get too old..." Isn't it possible that the guy who has tried some things when he was young might well be ready to settle down and commit, where the guy who hasn't had much experience might have the doors opened to a whole new world, and after a while, be ready to go out and explore what he "missed" when he was young? My point is that it could go either way - I don't think either one guarantees you safety. Relationships are experimental and dangerous, and all the more precious for it. Well I know this one guy who hasn't had casual sex before....He also has an extremely low sex drive, from what I hear. Extreeeeeeeemely low. Yes, I guess that's one profile that would fit the OP's requirement that he not have experimented much with sex by age 30, and then would be satisfied in a long-term "serious" relationship without feeling like he might want to go out and have a little variety before he got too old. Edited March 23, 2008 by Trimmer
Covonia Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 Well I know this one guy who hasn't had casual sex before. He lives in Birmingham. Are you close to there? He's 29. But he's pretty much the only guy I know out of all the men I've ever met who is like that. He also has an extremely low sex drive, from what I hear. Extreeeeeeeemely low. It seems casual sex and throwing morals out of the window are society's norms and anyone who does not conform to random acts of sexual intercourse, must have something wrong with them and are therefore the black sheep of society. I'm 19 and never once have I had sex outside of a committed relationship, in fact I've only slept with one girl (my ex-gf). And I've actually got a high sex drive. Some people feel comfortable having sex with people whom they do not have a deep fondness for and some people only have sex with someone they deem special, I am the latter and don't see why I should be stereotyped in the same category as your friend and the comment Lizzie60 made earlier. I'm quite offended in all honesty.
mortensorchid Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 If he didn't have condomes in his room "just in case" in this day and age, then I would be more mistrustful of him. Do not get bent out of shape about this. I'll bet you have condoms in your drawers, and chances are if he found them he would be ok with it.
Trimmer Posted March 23, 2008 Posted March 23, 2008 It seems casual sex and throwing morals out of the window are society's norms and anyone who does not conform to random acts of sexual intercourse, must have something wrong with them and are therefore the black sheep of society. Anyone who does not conform to random acts of sexual intercourse must have something wrong with them? Are we reading the same thread here? I'm 19 and never once have I had sex outside of a committed relationship, in fact I've only slept with one girl (my ex-gf). And I've actually got a high sex drive. Some people feel comfortable having sex with people whom they do not have a deep fondness for and some people only have sex with someone they deem special, I am the latter and don't see why I should be stereotyped in the same category as your friend and the comment Lizzie60 made earlier. I'm quite offended in all honesty. Why in the world would you be offended? B_O simply offered one example of a guy that would meet the OP's requirements, but warned that this particular guy had a low sex drive. I commented that this would be one example of someone that would fit her requirements, not that "anyone who does not conform to random acts of sexual intercourse, must have something wrong with them." If you are confident in what you are doing and in the moral structure by which you live, more power to you. I think one of the foundations of being a strong, whole individual is a knowledge of yourself and a confidence in your foundations, and it sounds like you have that. If you're still that way and single 11 years from now, and haven't had too many partners along the way (a blank slate, she wants) you'll be one of the special ones like the OP is looking for. I apologize if I've implied that I think there's something wrong with that, I don't. And I don't think it is completely unheard of. I just think it is relatively uncommon.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 What would rule it out for me is retroactive jealousy, I can get jealous over past partners... Being compared to other women in the past and feeling like I have to compete with them. I would have more to live up to. Knowing that he had special moments with "many" others before me and that would make me feel less significant and special. I want to feel like I am the only one. How can I be special when there were so many before me? I would be nothing but just another number. It would also make me think that if he had casual sex before he might crave that variety again of different women and get sick of me. Why would he want to be with one person when he's had all that variety? He's already had a taste of it. He knows how good it can be. All men want variety, but if he's already had it then he'll know how it was actually like and he will get tired of me eventually. If a guy hasn't had a lot of partners then he can be a blank canvas that I can paint on, but with so many before me it's just muddled with too many colors. How would I be able to leave my mark? Have you considered that you may want to get these problems of yours worked on a bit before you try to do much more dating? You won't ever find happiness with anyone as long as you have these insecurities and jealousies. Even if the guy is a virgin, never masturbates, and has never viewed anything approaching nudity in any form, you would still question whether or not he thinks of other women. I can see you coming up with some sort of "mental cheating" thing to accuse him of when you can't find anything else that would suggest that he wants someone else.
Trimmer Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 (edited) It would also make me think that if he had casual sex before he might crave that variety again of different women and get sick of me. Why would he want to be with one person when he's had all that variety? He's already had a taste of it. He knows how good it can be. All men want variety, but if he's already had it then he'll know how it was actually like and he will get tired of me eventually. So, in your mind, your ideal man will be ideal because he won't know any better. That sounds like a serious insecurity that leads to a controlling personality. I'm not sure this is strictly about sex. How is this any different from a 30 year old man who has had 5 committed 2-year relationships. Isn't that "variety?" This is more like you want a 30 year old man with 15-year old emotional maturity that will dedicate himself to you and you alone because you're all he knows. See below: If a guy hasn't had a lot of partners then he can be a blank canvas that I can paint on, but with so many before me it's just muddled with too many colors. How would I be able to leave my mark? Perhaps by being the one that he decides to commit his life to? Edited March 24, 2008 by Trimmer
Star Gazer Posted March 24, 2008 Posted March 24, 2008 I think "serious" to me is defined as in terms of length of relationship AND in terms of intentions for the long term prospects of a relationship. A short term liaison even with personal connection respect and intimacy does not count for me. If it was so serious etc then why was it short term? It would make me think that perhaps even though he had a connection with someone he still just wanted to bang them and then move on to the next woman. This would show me that the guy craves a lot of different partners/variety and if so then why would they want to be with me? They just want to sample everything out there. Perhaps she ultimately broke up with him, or betrayed him. Perhaps for circumstances beyond their control - distance, for example - they couldn't maintain their relationship. Perhaps during their time together they realized they had fundamental differences that make a long-term relationship improbably (religion, for example). There's plenty of reasons to explain why a meaningful relationship doesn't last a long time other than the guy just wants to bang her and take off.
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