What is the longest you waited?

[Lookingforward]

I'm assuming that you're asking how long while still being an OW ?

 

There are some of us who have had their partner return to "work on the marriage" and have NC in place, so whether we're actually "waiting" is a point of conjecture.

 

But it still FEELS like "waiting" (at this point anyway)

[stampdaddy]

Well, LoveatLast, this my 4TH EASTER.... My 4th Easter of knowing that she is getting the kids dressed in their cute little Easter dresses, going as a "Family" to Church.. Having the "extended" Family over this afternoon for Easter Dinner, putting on that "Happy Easter face"..

 

The thing is, since it IS Easter, I can't really get upset.. Especially about "taking the children to Church", but it is very hard not to..

 

I am getting sick and tired of "wanting certain days just to be OVER".. That is not right, just not right at all.. I believe it is called "WASTING YOUR LIFE AWAY..."

[Cagney]

If your husband were sick in the hospital with a deadly illness, not sure if he would survive, ...

 

I don't think that's a good comparison.

 

If a husband, who is totally committed to you is on the death bed ...

That's one thing.

 

But someone ELSES husband on the death bed?

A cake eater - who has not committed to you?

That's another thing.

 

You're writing things on this thread that show that you're already making excuses for him, and even making it sound like a noble, romantic thing (on your part) to wait for him. You're enabling him - and your own expense.

 

It's your choice.

But you've already reveald that you're hoping for a certin outcome.

You seem to be asking for advice from the experienced.

You're headed for more pain than you know.

 

Why not take the other posters advice and end things?

If you don't wuss out and really mean it - he MIGHT come around.

The you'll know he loves.

 

If he doens't come around then you'll know he doesn't love you.

 

I really believe that it's harder to break this thing LATER, than it is now.

Edited March 23, 2008 by Cagney

[LOVE DAISIES]

LAL......Only YOU can decide when enough is enough.

The people on this board can only give you a limited amount

of advice. As Cagney said...if you're already defending your "love"

and enabling the MM, anything they say doesn't matter because

you already have your mind made up.

 

Look at it like this...it's already BEEN a year...and you said he's

not even talking about leaving yet. Don't you think you

waiting there is like saying he can take his time and regardless you'll

wait?

Wait for a couple years through all the major holidays ALONE..knowing he is with his W. And every weekend. Every important moment in YOUR life

that you can't share with him because he's STILL with his W....or when you're sick and wish he were there to make you feel better.

You only have so much time on this earth..and living the life of an OW is NOT a very fulfilling one....

Just think about it.

[Cagney]

Long time married cheaters (MC) are not primarily concerned with the emotional wellbeing of their lover.

 

It seems logical that MC’s actions revolve around you, the lover. But take heed, a cheater’s actions and decisions generally revolve around someone more important: themselves.

 

A cheater must decide which decision will yield the best results for him/her in the long run. That’s all it is usually about: “What do I stand to gain from this?”

 

Plenty of times, they don’t want to decide. They don’t even want to think about deciding. They will utilize whatever tactics they can come up with to buy time. Sometimes even they themselves believe that buying time will eventually lead to a decision. Sometimes they figure they will buy time until someone finds out or gives up and leaves.

 

Cheating is, generally, about convenience. Cheaters can be amazingly crafty, manipulative, and deceitful to the point where it is second nature and assimilated to their own perception as normal or even non-existent. They must justify all actions to themselves in order to thrive.

 

Is it possible that it is a one-time cheater with a heart of gold who married the wrong person and now really wants you, his/her newly discovered soulmate? Sure. But pretty likely, it isn’t. It’s got nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. And nothing you can do can change the type of person you are dealing with.

 

You also don’t know what hidden issues could be fueling a cheater. Perhaps they are flat out hedonists, or sociopaths. Perhaps they are emotional cowards. Perhaps they are love addicts. Perhaps they choose to run away from problems rather than face them head on. These things aren’t going to go away by changing partners.

 

So you still want to take your chances and try to wind up with this individual? You want to survive with your heart and sanity intact?

 

Do yourselves a favor and realize the kind of person you’re probably dealing with. Know the risks. Know the statistics. Protect your heart. Don’t get too close. Don’t be swept away by the beautiful word-scapes that they paint for you. Stop rationalizing everything they say. Stop taking their “side”, because it’s likely they are not on yours. Know that YOUR logic does not equal their logic.

[LoveAtLast]

While I appreciate the um...advice...I guess my question is not should I wait, but who on here has waited on what was the outcome. I am resolved. He truly loves me and takes care of me the best he can, even though he cannot legally call me his wife. He has even written me into his will in case something should happen.

 

I understand there are alot of MM out there who are cheaters, and don't care about the OW, and have terribly hurt their wives and OW. I don't consider him one of those people.

 

For those of you that are of the opinion that all MM who cheat are going to tell OW whatever they want to keep them, and never intend on leaving, well, it has nothing to do with the fact they are married. These are the same type of guys that when they are single, flippantly break the hearts of their girlfriends who love them...leading them on but not giving them forever. They may end up getting married because their friends are or some other reason, but it is not for the right ones. They don't change. Even in marriage, they don't respect their mate, don't value them, just think about themselves. Whatever they want, they do, if they can get away with it. When it comes to adultery, well, why not, they think.

 

So, it is not because these type of men are married and having affairs that they are rotten, it is just that fact that they are rotten, married or not.

[LOVE DAISIES]

LAL...I was "involved" with a MM for over three years.I don't consider him "rotten"..but I think he would have been content to keep things as they WERE for as long as I was willing to accept it. Does that make him a rotten person? No...but it makes his actions selfish. He wanted to keep me in his life on HIS terms...he is what is known as a "cake eater" on these boards. I had never thought of it in that way until I came here.

You asked what was the longest anyone had waited for an affair partner and how it turned out. I haven't seen anyone reply that waited LESS than a few years. It is very rare that it works out.I am sorry I can't be more positive, but being realistic is sometimes like a cold bucket of water for some....

[Cagney]

I understand there are alot of MM out there who are cheaters, and don't care about the OW, and have terribly hurt their wives and OW. I don't consider him one of those people.

 

But your man IS a cheater. One of the nice things about this forum is that you can say it is what it is.

 

Anyway: I think the point was that there are cheaters that convinced the OW that she was loved.

 

Right now you consider him as an honest man, who really loves you.

 

OK then - If he really does love you as you suspect ... then why doesn't he make his move? The poor economy is really not a good excuse. Even though you're willing to ALLOW that as a valid reason.

 

For those of you that are of the opinion that all MM who cheat are going to tell OW whatever they want to keep them, and never intend on leaving, well, it has nothing to do with the fact they are married. These are the same type of guys that when they are single, flippantly break the hearts of their girlfriends who love them...leading them on but not giving them forever.

 

Oh but you're wrong ... having an affair with a married man is very different than having an affair with a single man, even if they're BOTH liars!

 

There is another forum where you could ask other women how long it took single guys to propose.

 

But your'e here asking it took a married men to get a divorce.

 

It's a whole different set of problems.

[Cagney]

If you're really OK with being just a mistress - go for it.

 

But if you're needing more from him ... that's different.

 

And your are presenting yourself - here - as hopeful that he'll divorce her and be with you.

 

Why not tell HIM what you want?

If you're right about his love for you, he'll come around.

Edited March 23, 2008 by Cagney

[Cagney]

What if the majority of broken hearted OWs and OMs here were ALSO as convinced as you?

 

It's just an odds thing. But if the MAJORITY of them were fooled and later broken, then why not pay attention to the expereinces of others?

 

On the other hand, if you only want to hear what you want to hear ...

Well, you'll get that here too.

 

The decsion is, of course, always your own.

 

You know, it's hardly like bying a lottery ticket with some spare change.

It's more like buying a lottery ticket with a life savings!

[LoveAtLast]

 

OK then - If he really does love you as you suspect ... then why doesn't he make his move? The poor economy is really not a good excuse. Even though you're willing to ALLOW that as a valid reason.

 

LOL. Ummm....it is a VERY valid excuse. When you have 5 bucks in your checking account, how in the heck do you hire a lawyer? How do you afford to move out? How do you start another life with another family? Some people are barely scraping by right now...I am talking BARELY. It would be stupid and foolish to attempt such a major undertaking at a time like that.

 

I am not an impatient, stamp my foot, "I want my way" childish person who makes demands based only on what is convenient or timely for me. I love him, and he loves me. If it was anything less than it was, I would walk away. Maybe someday life may wear us down, but for now (forgive my flowery speech) we are immortal.

[LOVE DAISIES]

Hmmm....here's the thing. There is ALWAYS going to be a reason the time isn't "right". The kids are too young, not enough money, not skinny enough, etc etc etc.....if your love is as strong as you say it is....you find a way to make it happen. I believe that. I don;t think it's about being selfish and stamping your feet. It's about loving yourself enough to not accept LESS than you deserve. Maybe you have not gone "through" it long enough to see that wisdom. Wait another 2, 3, 4 years.......and I am sure your opinion will be different.

[Lyssa]

While I appreciate the um...advice...I guess my question is not should I wait, but who on here has waited on what was the outcome.

 

I didn't wait for long, in fact I didn't even plan to wait. He surprised me with the divorce papers one day and that was it. At that time, we were seeing each other for not more than a year.

 

He put you in his will? Okay.. well, I think it's better if he shows you the divorce paper. Yes, I understand the time is not right but he should follow through with his words.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

What is the longest you, as the OW or OM, waited to be together? And did you give up waiting, or did it end up the way you hoped for?

 

I waited for a year.

 

Didn't wait really, more like put up with it because it was so good.

 

The difference is that he never said that he was going to get divorced, loved the wife, etc.

 

I ended it because the bad outweighed the good at the end. I loved him too much and got tired of the spending the weekends and nights with the wife thing.

[Cagney]

I ended it because the bad outweighed the good at the end. I loved him too much and got tired of the spending the weekends and nights with the wife thing.

 

In my opinion, what you did was healthier than if you had let it go on much longer. While being understandable that you were willing to give it at least a year because it might have been worth that much of a sacrifice.

 

In my case, I knew all along that the the bad outweighed the good but stuck it out anyway. I would respect myself (at least a little more) if I had cut it off at some point sooner, as you did.

 

Now when I read stories like the original post of this thread, maybe I tend to react too much, thinking that she's in denial and should get out NOW, while it's RELATIVELY easy, compared to how much harder it will be to get it after her feelings grow even stronger than they are now.

[nadiaj2727]

LAL,

I think the unfortunate reality is that most of us OW or former OW thought our MM was a good person who truly loved us. But in the end we did not end up with him, either through our own choice (we got some self-respect and got tired of waiting) or through his (his wife found out and he dumped us, he decided he wanted to stay married, etc.). If you are convinced that your MM is a good person who loves you, that's great, but I feel you must already have some doubts because you say it's lonely at night and you come here looking for happy endings.

 

I must add that I have come to believe that a man who cheats on his wife and lives a double life and makes excuses instead of doing the right thing (either leaving to be with the woman he loves, or stopping the affair and staying married to the woman he loves) is not a good person, or at least he isn't being a good person while he's in the affair. He is not truly giving either woman the love she deserves; he is only loving himself and doing what is most convenient for him. Often, he doesn't know what he wants the most, or he is too afraid to go after what he wants because it will make him look like the "bad guy." If it's really, truly love, I am convinced that he will do whatever it takes to be with you, no matter what the risks or consequences, without wasting another moment of your precious time or leading you or his wife on anymore while he has the best of both worlds.

 

Have you been loving yourself? Have you been doing what is best for you? Just some questions to think about.

 

Good luck.

[MimiMe]

I am not sure about the dating other people thing while I am in a relationship with him. I am a very loyal person and that would be betrayal of our love. I think it is only fair to him and I that if I have the desire to date other people, to stop waiting for him, that I tell him beforehand.

 

If your husband were sick in the hospital with a deadly illness, not sure if he would survive, but he might - he came into consciousness once a week and was normal, then into a coma for the rest - would you leave him? Or would you keep hoping that the cure would be found? Until I am told that he is dead to me, or that a cure will never be found, I will keep waiting and loving. I know he is not my husband, but for the times we are together, we are everything to each other. That bond is not found by very many people on this earth.

 

Thanks for telling me to wait for him if I love him. It is good to hear.

 

 

You are using a very drastic scenario to justify your situation honey. And there is a "key" word some where in there... If your "HUSBAND"... you seem to point it out but not understand the roles.

The irony of you being a very loyal person and being involved in an affair... seems more like you want to hear what you want to hear and that is for others to tell you to wait for him for the cause of love.

You may be wasting your time or perhaps one day he'll give you what you want. Either outcome involves an investment... TIME and unfortunately that is one thing in life that you never get to replace!!!

The outcome is basically up to you.

Good luck.

[Cagney]

How do you start another life with another family?

 

He has a family ??? That adds to the equation.

 

LOL. Ummm....it is a VERY valid excuse. When you have 5 bucks in your checking account, how in the heck do you hire a lawyer?

 

You said he put you in his will, as though that was as a substantial PROOF of his intentions.

 

I am not an impatient, stamp my foot, "I want my way" childish person who makes demands based only on what is convenient or timely for me.

 

Now I think you're trying to make it appear that healthy, reasonable, adult thinking is impatient, childish ranting and stamping your feet.

 

Maybe someday life may wear us down, but for now (forgive my flowery speech) we are immortal.

 

Well there you go then! As long as you're immortal, then what the heck, go for it girl.

 

Seriously, I know that was just a figure of speech.

But the feeling that you have plenty of time left, usually comes from a very young person. Are you THAT very young?

 

But don't forget that in your OP you said,

"I am seeing a long wait as a very real possibility. Right now, I am a little daunted at the idea ..."

 

I agree with your original fear,

but please understand that although I may be jaded by my own experience, but I'm very impressed impressed with the sheer number of hopefuls that go into a long wait seemingly "eyes wide open" who much later regret not having set a much shorter "time limit" on the their wait.

 

I think you should set a short time limit for him.

And when you reach that time, then you should stamp you feet, jump up and down and scream, throw a tantrum, and kick his ass to the curb.

 

Then go and find someone whol will give his all to YOU

Much like you seem to be willing to sacrifice for HIM.

Edited March 24, 2008 by Cagney

[MimiMe]

It took two and a half years for him to leave...And now we're happy...Just make sure he's the one for you, without any doubts...

 

 

Havent well all had that one person that we really thought it was the "one", it hits the fan and he/she not the one anymore!!

Happiness is temporary... not a living soul has experienced it from beginning to end.

[Cagney]

TIME and unfortunately that is one thing in life that you never get to replace!!!

The outcome is basically up to you.

Good luck.

 

You are so cool Mimi!

When are you going to get that divorce and call me and tell me that you're free?

[Cagney]

If it's really, truly love, I am convinced that he will do whatever it takes to be with you, no matter what the risks or consequences, without wasting another moment of your precious time or leading you or his wife on anymore while he has the best of both worlds.

 

Right on Nadiaj!

[nadiaj2727]

You are using a very drastic scenario to justify your situation honey. And there is a "key" word some where in there... If your "HUSBAND"... you seem to point it out but not understand the roles.

The irony of you being a very loyal person and being involved in an affair... seems more like you want to hear what you want to hear and that is for others to tell you to wait for him for the cause of love.

You may be wasting your time or perhaps one day he'll give you what you want. Either outcome involves an investment... TIME and unfortunately that is one thing in life that you never get to replace!!!

The outcome is basically up to you.

Good luck.

 

Mimi makes a really good point. LAL, this man is not your husband, no matter how much you'd like him to be. He is married to someone else. So you can't compare being "faithful" to him while waiting for him to divorce with being faithful to your husband (whom you would have made vows to and built up an exclusive history with, etc.), while he is sick or dying. It is just not the same thing.

 

To me it sounds a bit unhealthy for you to be comparing your married lover to your husband who is dying. I know you didn't mean it as a literal comparison, but even for you to think that this is remotely the same situation of undyling, faithful love means that you might not realize what this relationship really is (at this time, anyway). That is probably exactly where MM wants you to be in your thoughts about him. Instead, you should be at a place where you realize that MM is not giving you everything you want and deserve in a relationship. He is not being loyal to you like you are being loyal to him. Sure, he has a bunch of reasons -- his kids, the bad economy, etc. But throughout history, people who are in love make their love work so that they can be together, no matter what the circumstances. Since you compare cheating MM to single men who treat their girlfriends badly, it works the other way as well. *Single* men get married to their love and start a family or pursue other dreams no matter what the economy is like. They make vows to stay together for richer or poorer, for better or worse. They build step-families together if they already have children. Don't accept anything less from a married man than you would from a single man. Although he may have lots of excuses for not being with you right now, the only REAL obstacle is that he is married. The rest (economy, kids, etc.) could be worked out if he were single.

 

Unless and until he can be in an *exclusive* relationship with him, you should see him for what he is -- a married man who is carrying on an extramarital relationship with you -- not for who he might be in your fantasy -- your loyal husband. I don't mean to be too harsh with this, but it is the reality of the situation and it seems to me that you are a little caught up in a fantasy. I was at one point too so I am not bashing you, I am just trying to get you to see it from an outsider's perspective... an outsider who has been there.

[nadiaj2727]

You are so cool Mimi!

When are you going to get that divorce and call me and tell me that you're free?

 

 

Oooooooooh Cagney and Mimi, I can see it!! An LS hook-up! I want to see pictures of the first date!

[Cagney]

Oooooooooh Cagney and Mimi, I can see it!! An LS hook-up! I want to see pictures of the first date!

 

Wait a second! First I want to make sure that's really Mimi in her avitar!

[MimiMe]

LOL. Ummm....it is a VERY valid excuse. When you have 5 bucks in your checking account, how in the heck do you hire a lawyer? How do you afford to move out? How do you start another life with another family? Some people are barely scraping by right now...I am talking BARELY. It would be stupid and foolish to attempt such a major undertaking at a time like that.

 

I am not an impatient, stamp my foot, "I want my way" childish person who makes demands based only on what is convenient or timely for me. I love him, and he loves me. If it was anything less than it was, I would walk away. Maybe someday life may wear us down, but for now (forgive my flowery speech) we are immortal.

 

Sorry, to I have to offer some free financial advisory here. LOL!

$5 bucks in his bank account?? wtf!! not even my 7 yr old...

This could say a lot about the type of mentality you're dealing with by the way. If he wasn't able to support a marriage, he wont be able to support a divorce!!! Sorry Love, but your MM is going to get away with a lot with all the excuses you seem to create for him.

 

I am starting to think that this is a reinvented profile (?!).

 

Immortal? Damn girl! One that lives expecting sets himself for disappointment...

 

What do you expect from him?(and please dont tell me- why do I have to expect anything monetary from a men?! I got this and that on my own... For realz!)

 

I know few here say "Why does it gotta be all about material things. love is love blah blah blah". IN REALITY you can't go to the bank and get a mortgage with a balance of 50,000 :love: (hearts flying)...

We are all adults (I hope) and we all know that one has to provide in order to survive. If this dude has moeny issues, most likely they wont go away once he is divorced and financial issues weight on the most "Fairy tale'ish" stories.