Dealing with her past?

[Isabella82]

siphon9a

 

I am surprised. I think you are the exception. Most guys I know are all sluts. Especially in college. I wish there were more people like you, but the reality is there isn't. I think any girl you date will have some kind of past if not then she could be lying about it. But that's my opinion. All of my female friends are mostly worse than me! They make me look like a prude. Maybe you need to find a girl that isn't sexual. Maybe a virgin.

[Siphon9a]

siphon9a

 

I am surprised. I think you are the exception. Most guys I know are all sluts. Especially in college. I wish there were more people like you, but the reality is there isn't. I think any girl you date will have some kind of past if not then she could be lying about it. But that's my opinion. All of my female friends are mostly worse than me! They make me look like a prude. Maybe you need to find a girl that isn't sexual. Maybe a virgin.

 

Well see that's the thing, I'm a sexual person, don't mistake that. I'm actually very experimental with those sorts of things. However, only in relationships. I totally distinguish casual sex and realtionship sex as two separate things. The first of the two, I don't know as with my upbringing by my grandparents and moral values, I chose not to do those things. Most guys I know are sluts as well, and they know my feelings on those things, not that they really care I suppose. LOL. They hate it when I call them out on it though. I just try not to place judgement as because, who am I to judge someone else and second, I never know where I'll be in a couple years anyways. Who knows what choices/ mistakes I might make. Hell I could have a breakdown and do God knows what. I do know that the post that AAlike made above that I replied to would change my views on the actions she did. I would put her in the same class as I do my guy friends that I view as sluts. I just hope it's not really that way.

[AAlike]

Stockalone-

 

Here is what I'm saying. I know this to be true and so do other females. When u r easy and u sleep with a guy right away they are done with you. They don't respect u and they definately don't want to take you

home to mom. You see my point?

 

I play hard to get so that the guy will respect me etc... No guy I thought wants a wife that put out the first night so correct me if I'm wrong.

 

So for u to break up with ur ex for making u wait that makes her think that u didnt think she was worth the wait. And she is thinking that ur like everyother guy who just wants sex.

 

isabella, even though I completely support a woman's right to choose to have casual sex when she wants without having to be judged for it, it almost seems like you're letting how guys would perceive you dictate your sexual choices - to me that is contributing even more to the problem.

 

if, as you said earlier, you are the type of woman who felt some sort of empowerment from being able to act on your libido and be the kind of woman that can have sex independently of emotion, then you're probably not meant to be with the kind of guy who would write you off as a long-term prospect just for having sex with him quickly anyway. By saying that you put on a "hard to get" act, that says to me that you too are buying into the notion that it is okay for a guy to judge a woman based on her sexual past.

 

I'm very curious as to the ages of the posters in these types of threads too, as I definitely think as guys get older they start to appreciate a woman that is in touch with her own sexuality and understand that youthful indiscretions are of little importance, whereas younger men are more apt to feel threatened by and judgemental towards these types of women. I am 31 now, and I am pretty certain that I probably would have reacted quite a bit differently to something like this than when I was say, 22.

[Siphon9a]

isabella, even though I completely support a woman's right to choose to have casual sex when she wants without having to be judged for it, it almost seems like you're letting how guys would perceive you dictate your sexual choices - to me that is contributing even more to the problem.

 

if, as you said earlier, you are the type of woman who felt some sort of empowerment from being able to act on your libido and be the kind of woman that can have sex independently of emotion, then you're probably not meant to be with the kind of guy who would write you off as a long-term prospect just for having sex with him quickly anyway. By saying that you put on a "hard to get" act, that says to me that you too are buying into the notion that it is okay for a guy to judge a woman based on her sexual past.

 

I'm very curious as to the ages of the posters in these types of threads too, as I definitely think as guys get older they start to appreciate a woman that is in touch with her own sexuality and understand that youthful indiscretions are of little importance, whereas younger men are more apt to feel threatened by and judgemental towards these types of women. I am 31 now, and I am pretty certain that I probably would have reacted quite a bit differently to something like this than when I was say, 22.

 

I will be 28 myself in a month.

[AAlike]

Well women are the gatekeepers of sex in our culture. That's a fact. The woman has the right to say yes or no, it's even codified in law.

 

even if that is true (which I really don't know that it universally is, I think that applies to more extreme cases - in most situations it's much more egalitarian), so what? just because the woman ultimately makes the decision doesn't mean that she should be scrutinized any more than the man for the times that she says yes.

 

I apply the same standards to men. I don't go out and bang every girl who makes eyes at me in the bar. Do I want to? Part of me does. But I think sex is something important, and I want my wife to be the same way. A lot of guys think like that.

 

well, that I agree with - no doubt that you and your wife should probably have similar viewpoints regarding sex. however, I don't see why it should matter what happened in the past as long as you share those viewpoints going forward.

 

There's nothing inherently wrong with being promiscuous, whether you are a man or a woman. F*ck a 1000 people at once if you want to. There are probably tons of guys who are looking for a woman that openminded and sexually expressive. but I'm not one of them, and apparently neither is OP. What's wrong is misrepresenting yourself and your values just to snag someone. You're allowing them to fall in love with a false image of yourself rather than the real thing.

 

well, you're talking in extremes now. this issue doesn't usually involve "f*cking 1000 people" - many times it involves women being with far less than the guys who are berating them!

 

I agree with the rest of your paragraph (see my response to Isabella, we're totally on the same page there, albeit for different reasons) - but I think that this message is a lot different from the previous one that implied that men want a girl who "respects herself" enough to not have casual sex.

 

here's really the conundrum though - I think that most guys, and I think OP, really DO want a women that is that openminded and sexually expressive, they just have trouble dealing with the fact that a girl with these qualities probably has had some fun, meaningless sex because of them. can't have your cake and eat it too, fellas.

[AAlike]

I will be 28 myself in a month.

 

I figured that you were somewhere around there - young enough to still be bothered by this stuff but old enough to know that you shouldn't be!

[Stockalone]

No one said that women (or men) should not have the right to have sex whenever they want or that they should let their actions be dictated by what other people might think of them. Nor should they be ashamed of their actions.

 

But you can't expect people with a different view on sex to simply ignore the decisions that have been made. I once have been told: "My past casual encounters mean nothing to me now, so they shouldn't matter to you".

 

Things just don't work like that for me. Actions will always have consequences.

 

 

PS:

I am 29.

[Siphon9a]

I figured that you were somewhere around there - young enough to still be bothered by this stuff but old enough to know that you shouldn't be!

 

Yeah that's why I'm here. I'm coming to terms with alot of stuff in my life right now. On a relationship and also on a personal, mental as well as job level ( I found that out just now...WOO HOO!!!). Funny thing is, not to get religious or whatever on the LS forums but I did pray for a couple things for awhile.

 

1. Was for my family to be healthy and happy after some trying times

2. To have my job stability remain stable during this trying time in the mortgage business (I work in IT)

3. To find someone that's willing to understand me and actually have a real relationship that could mean something.

 

I was always told you'd be given what you ask for, but not always in the way you expect.

[AAlike]

Well see that's the thing, I'm a sexual person, don't mistake that. I'm actually very experimental with those sorts of things. However, only in relationships. I totally distinguish casual sex and realtionship sex as two separate things. The first of the two, I don't know as with my upbringing by my grandparents and moral values, I chose not to do those things. Most guys I know are sluts as well, and they know my feelings on those things, not that they really care I suppose. LOL. They hate it when I call them out on it though. I just try not to place judgement as because, who am I to judge someone else and second, I never know where I'll be in a couple years anyways. Who knows what choices/ mistakes I might make. Hell I could have a breakdown and do God knows what. I do know that the post that AAlike made above that I replied to would change my views on the actions she did. I would put her in the same class as I do my guy friends that I view as sluts. I just hope it's not really that way.

 

look at what you're saying here man! you're saying that you are more comfortable with the fact that your girlfriend did some things as a result of a bout of depression than if she had done them because she simply wanted to! doesn't that seem a little odd??? and don't you think that says quite a bit about your views on gender roles?

 

I think that most people distinguish between casual sex and relationship sex, in fact, I think that in order to even remotely enjoy casual sex one HAS to be able to do that. that's the big secret that no one wants you to know about casual sex - it sucks compared to relationship sex! why else in our primarily secular, sex-sells-everything and birth-control laden culture would people still be getting married and being monogamous? because obviously sex after you're familiar with someone and understand what the other one likes and are able to be uninhibited is naturally way better than stranger sex. that's why it's so interesting that people are so threatened by their partner's casual sex when it's so much less intense and significant than emotional sex.

[Siphon9a]

No one said that women (or men) should not have the right to have sex whenever they want or that they should let their actions be dictated by what other people might think of them. Nor should they be ashamed of their actions.

 

But you can't expect people with a different view on sex to simply ignore the decisions that have been made. I once have been told: "My past casual encounters mean nothing to me now, so they shouldn't matter to you".

 

Things just don't work like that for me. Actions will always have consequences.

 

 

PS:

I am 29.

 

That's the same thing I am being told. Of course your going to hear that from someone that has done those things. If I was the one with the past I would also probably be saying those same sorts of things cause in my mind it wouldn't matter. Just as the past relationships I was in where I did do things, don't matter to me know. My biggest hurdle is as AAlike has said in previous posting, it's the casual sex that's bothering my mind, not the sex in a committed relationship. I'm sure I'll eventually get over it over time just as AAlike has said. I mean I've read through my first posts and can tell I'm different than I first was about everything. Less bummed and more optimistic. My only thing is this man, never say never about anything in life cause you never know what kind of curve ball will be thrown your way.

[AAlike]

No one said that women (or men) should not have the right to have sex whenever they want or that they should let their actions be dictated by what other people might think of them. Nor should they be ashamed of their actions.

 

But you can't expect people with a different view on sex to simply ignore the decisions that have been made. I once have been told: "My past casual encounters mean nothing to me now, so they shouldn't matter to you".

 

Things just don't work like that for me. Actions will always have consequences.

 

 

PS:

I am 29.

 

alrighty then. I feel like you're equating having sex to some sort of crime. have you ended a lot of relationships under this premise?

[Siphon9a]

look at what you're saying here man! you're saying that you are more comfortable with the fact that your girlfriend did some things as a result of a bout of depression than if she had done them because she simply wanted to! doesn't that seem a little odd??? and don't you think that says quite a bit about your views on gender roles?

 

I think that most people distinguish between casual sex and relationship sex, in fact, I think that in order to even remotely enjoy casual sex one HAS to be able to do that. that's the big secret that no one wants you to know about casual sex - it sucks compared to relationship sex! why else in our primarily secular, sex-sells-everything and birth-control laden culture would people still be getting married and being monogamous? because obviously sex after you're familiar with someone and understand what the other one likes and are able to be uninhibited is naturally way better than stranger sex. that's why it's so interesting that people are so threatened by their partner's casual sex when it's so much less intense and significant than emotional sex.

 

I KNOW I KNOW!!! Believe me when I was typing it, I was asking myself the same thing. But I'm not sure how that fits into the gender role? And I will say that each time we have sex, it does get better. You find out new things, little quirks the other person likes. That's why I'm on here though, to get over this stuff in my head. Your ideas and points of view and ability to express them have helped me to see alot more than the narrow view I had before. Things are certainly easier than at first but I'm slow to accept the unfamilar with something like this. I guess the best way to explain it is from my point of view I almost looked at it as the casual sex took away something in the beginning of the relationship. Like the act means nothing to her. I guess its the act of casual that I don't grasp completely as it's always been emotional for me. Once I grasp that concept, I'll be fine. Either that or I'll figure it out and want to become a whore.

[Cobra_X30]

even if that is true (which I really don't know that it universally is, I think that applies to more extreme cases - in most situations it's much more egalitarian), so what? just because the woman ultimately makes the decision doesn't mean that she should be scrutinized any more than the man for the times that she says yes.

 

Yes, it does! When you are in control of something... that means you take responsibility for your choices.

 

well, you're talking in extremes now. this issue doesn't usually involve "f*cking 1000 people" - many times it involves women being with far less than the guys who are berating them!

 

It's the differential I've noticed that matters most.

 

When the woman is more "experienced." It generates a feeling of insecurity within the male. I think that's pretty natural. I mean we guys tend to be competative, so why would you value what other guys don't?

 

Getting a girl like that would be like winning the special olympics.

 

here's really the conundrum though - I think that most guys, and I think OP, really DO want a women that is that openminded and sexually expressive, they just have trouble dealing with the fact that a girl with these qualities probably has had some fun, meaningless sex because of them. can't have your cake and eat it too, fellas.

 

Note the language men use when describing this situation. They typically want to feel special. That is where the problem truely lies. Because we men are not mind readers, so we cannot tell meaningless sex from meaningful sex.

 

So you say... "but she is with you now!" Which ultimately means what? Nothing, because she was with Joe Schmoe a month ago.... so the was "with him then." How do you rank and quantify that?

 

 

 

BTW ... 28 here

[Stockalone]

alrighty then. I feel like you're equating having sex to some sort of crime. have you ended a lot of relationships under this premise?

 

I only ended this one relationship based on an incompatibility regarding our view on sex. A few other times, things didn't go beyond dating because of it, but I am better off without those women and they are better off without me.

 

And no, having sex is not a crime. I just don't care much for women who do whatever they want and then get pissed off if not everyone else is just fine with the choices they made.

 

But we are going in circles here as we did in the other thread. You think casual sex is not a big deal, I beg to differ. You don't think that the past has any meaning whatsoever, I beg to differ. We will just have to agree to disagree.

[Siphon9a]

I only ended this one relationship based on an incompatibility regarding our view on sex. A few other times, things didn't go beyond dating because of it, but I am better off without those women and they are better off without me.

 

And no, having sex is not a crime. I just don't care much for women who do whatever they want and then get pissed off if not everyone else is just fine with the choices they made.

 

But we are going in circles here as we did in the other thread. You think casual sex is not a big deal, I beg to differ. You don't think that the past has any meaning whatsoever, I beg to differ. We will just have to agree to disagree.

 

Don't forget me!!! I'm the one stuck in the middle not know what's going on!! I think in this thread we have all possibilities covered.

[Stockalone]

Don't forget me!!! I'm the one stuck in the middle not know what's going on!! I think in this thread we have all possibilities covered.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean that there is nothing more to talk about in your thread.

 

My response was directed at AAlike and I thought it best to stop arguing over something he and I will never see eye to eye before your thread goes completely off course.

[Siphon9a]

I think this is going to be my stance or viewpoint on it. I've heard so many differing opinions on this and I am glad that I have. I know I like this girl and she did what she did. Whether or not she feels bad about it, loved that I'm not sure. I just know for fact she was having problems, big problems in her mind after the break up of her "first love". She said she's not proud of what she did and she wants to put it past her.

Will I be able to deal with her past so I can "let it go"?

Time will tell

Will I forget it ever occured?

Probably not

Does it in some way affect my opinion of her?

In some respects it does.

Do I think it will be a problem in the future?

No, but that no will be and open one as you can never be 100% this early on

Do i think she want to be with me?

Yes

Does she care about my past?

Not in the least.

Do I really honestly think she's bothered by her past choices?

No

Will I still keep my walls up to protect myself at this point?

You bet your sweet arse I will.

 

 

I'm just going to see how this all plays out. To be honest I like the girl, enjoy her company. I see both sides of the fence between all posters on this thread and agree with parts on both sides. I guess time will let me know whether I can get over this and forget about it or if it will be as some of you have mentioned a "dealbreaker". To be honest I think it wouldn't suprise her if she found out I couldn't deal with it. She's mentioned before that poeple "always walk out on her". Maybe she's tried to have a relationship with one of her one night stands and they just used her. Who knows? I'm not gonna ask anymore questions cause I know enough to know I don't want to know anymore.

[Siphon9a]

Sorry, I didn't mean that there is nothing more to talk about in your thread.

 

My response was directed at AAlike and I thought it best to stop arguing over something he and I will never see eye to eye before your thread goes completely off course.

 

Oh no I wasn't implying you were. I just thought it was funny AAlike is on one side and you the other. But my indecision has me stuck in the middle. I'm just trying to find some humor in my mental boxing match.

[AAlike]

I KNOW I KNOW!!! Believe me when I was typing it, I was asking myself the same thing. But I'm not sure how that fits into the gender role? And I will say that each time we have sex, it does get better. You find out new things, little quirks the other person likes. That's why I'm on here though, to get over this stuff in my head. Your ideas and points of view and ability to express them have helped me to see alot more than the narrow view I had before. Things are certainly easier than at first but I'm slow to accept the unfamilar with something like this. I guess the best way to explain it is from my point of view I almost looked at it as the casual sex took away something in the beginning of the relationship. Like the act means nothing to her. I guess its the act of casual that I don't grasp completely as it's always been emotional for me. Once I grasp that concept, I'll be fine. Either that or I'll figure it out and want to become a whore.

 

It fits into gender role because it's more comfortable to you that a woman engaged in casual sex because she's some kind of "victim" than if she just (gasp) simply enjoyed having sex while she was single.

 

again, please realize that I'm not trying to make you feel like a moron - understand that I have had the exact same problems in the past and have gone through the same faulty logic and same ridiculous conclusions. When I kept bringing up my gf's past to her, I think that subconsciously I was doing it to try and find some sort of "solution" or explanation, like if she told me she was really drunk or that it was some huge mistake that I'd be able to come to terms with it and that nagging feeling would go away. but that wasn't the case, and her stance didn't really meander from "I can't change it, I made a decision, sure it was a product of a situation and youth but I don't feel scarred by it, it's not a big deal, it's up to you to move past it as I did years ago". and that's really all you can do - nothing is going to immediately make you say "oh, I'm fine with that" - the key is gradually accepting the person that made those decisions and your girlfriend as one and the same instead of trying to distance your girlfriend from "that slut". and I think as you continue to explore and understand your GF's sexuality this will be easier to do.

 

That's the most common faulty reasoning that revolves around casual sex - if you engage in it then clearly sex can never have meaning to you. that is also asinine, and can essentially be extended to "if you've ever had sex outside of a relationship, you should never be in one because it can never be special."

 

All that you need to "grasp" about casual sex is that it's generally mundane and engaged in by people who are TRYING to find what you seem to already have and not in the least a threat to your relationship. there's nothing to figure out, and you're not missing anything. again, people generally go from promiscuous to monogamous, not the other way around, so why would you want to regress?

[AAlike]

I'm just going to see how this all plays out. To be honest I like the girl, enjoy her company. I see both sides of the fence between all posters on this thread and agree with parts on both sides. I guess time will let me know whether I can get over this and forget about it or if it will be as some of you have mentioned a "dealbreaker". To be honest I think it wouldn't suprise her if she found out I couldn't deal with it. She's mentioned before that poeple "always walk out on her". Maybe she's tried to have a relationship with one of her one night stands and they just used her. Who knows? I'm not gonna ask anymore questions cause I know enough to know I don't want to know anymore.

 

Hmmm...well, I will say that I don't think that her lack of confidence is really helping matters here - that would be a much bigger problem for me, and I think that it also may be feeding your impulse to judge her.

 

I really do hope that you can get over this, because you seem to really be into this girl.

[AAlike]

I only ended this one relationship based on an incompatibility regarding our view on sex. A few other times, things didn't go beyond dating because of it, but I am better off without those women and they are better off without me.

 

And no, having sex is not a crime. I just don't care much for women who do whatever they want and then get pissed off if not everyone else is just fine with the choices they made.

 

But we are going in circles here as we did in the other thread. You think casual sex is not a big deal, I beg to differ. You don't think that the past has any meaning whatsoever, I beg to differ. We will just have to agree to disagree.

 

whoa, I never implied that the past has no meaning whatsoever - it certainly does...but someone's past needs to be taken AS A WHOLE and is not defined by two or three isolated incidents and that someone should not be branded with a scarlet letter for doing something in years past that hurt no one and is essentially normal amongst young people as long as they are ready to leave that behind them upon entering a relationship. By focusing on two or three nights and/or bad decisions that you disagree with, it is you that is ignoring the bulk of someone's past, not me.

[Siphon9a]

It fits into gender role because it's more comfortable to you that a woman engaged in casual sex because she's some kind of "victim" than if she just (gasp) simply enjoyed having sex while she was single.

 

again, please realize that I'm not trying to make you feel like a moron - understand that I have had the exact same problems in the past and have gone through the same faulty logic and same ridiculous conclusions. When I kept bringing up my gf's past to her, I think that subconsciously I was doing it to try and find some sort of "solution" or explanation, like if she told me she was really drunk or that it was some huge mistake that I'd be able to come to terms with it and that nagging feeling would go away. but that wasn't the case, and her stance didn't really meander from "I can't change it, I made a decision, sure it was a product of a situation and youth but I don't feel scarred by it, it's not a big deal, it's up to you to move past it as I did years ago". and that's really all you can do - nothing is going to immediately make you say "oh, I'm fine with that" - the key is gradually accepting the person that made those decisions and your girlfriend as one and the same instead of trying to distance your girlfriend from "that slut". and I think as you continue to explore and understand your GF's sexuality this will be easier to do.

 

That's the most common faulty reasoning that revolves around casual sex - if you engage in it then clearly sex can never have meaning to you. that is also asinine, and can essentially be extended to "if you've ever had sex outside of a relationship, you should never be in one because it can never be special."

 

All that you need to "grasp" about casual sex is that it's generally mundane and engaged in by people who are TRYING to find what you seem to already have and not in the least a threat to your relationship. there's nothing to figure out, and you're not missing anything. again, people generally go from promiscuous to monogamous, not the other way around, so why would you want to regress?

 

 

You bring up valid points. Evidently I am indeed where you have been in this arena. Your exactly right on all points. I guess I do want to make sense or validate the decisions made by her in that respect. All the logic you mention is exactly how I feel. Just as your gf had said, it's nothing thats a life changing event, she made some decisons and some of which she's not proud of but she got over it and moved on. I guess I just want all this to move forward so I can just forget about it and work on being with her instead of thinking about stuff I can't change. I don't find what she did a threat to my relationship with her. I know she's happy now and definitely wasn't happy then. It's 100% evident in her life, the way she talks, and what her friends have expressed to me, and the way her parents have acted towards me when I'm visiting with them.

 

I don't quite understand one part you mentioned. You said people that engage in those acts are trying to find something I seem to already have? What do you mean by that? What is that I've found that they haven't? You seem to have been exactly where I'm at and have had the same thoughts and have moved on from it. That's a very encouraging thing.

[Siphon9a]

Hmmm...well, I will say that I don't think that her lack of confidence is really helping matters here - that would be a much bigger problem for me, and I think that it also may be feeding your impulse to judge her.

 

I really do hope that you can get over this, because you seem to really be into this girl.

 

 

Don't get me wrong, she had all the confidence in herself in the world. There was one night when I was talking to her and I think she thought I was breaking it off with her cause of everything so she was going to take the initative and end it before me to keep from being hurt more. That's when she said people walk out on her. I'm not sure what all that was about but I let her know I wasn't going anywhere and that I wanted to be with her, which I do. She's a confident person, she's just afraid to wholly open up cause of her past first love stepped all over her when she did love him. She scared of that happeneing again.

 

I really hope I can get my mind right, kill this negative inner voice and just enjoy her company and the time I spend with her. Cause your right, I am really into this girl and she is really into me. Just last night I noticed how much more open she is. Being herself, just silly dancing around my house and having fun. Meanwhile I have all this crap in my head and didn't want to even mention it cause I seen the happy look on her face. I will find a way to get over this. I appreciate you sharing your view with me and hopefully I can get to that same viewpoint soon.

[AAlike]

Cobra - i'm surprised it took you this long to chime in!

 

Yes, it does! When you are in control of something... that means you take responsibility for your choices.

 

I didn't say anything about taking responsibility, I said that they shouldn't be scrutinized any more than the guys just because they are thought of the "gatekeeper" or whatever (which, by the way, is a ridiculous notion, it takes two consenting adults to have sex).

 

do you believe that if a single man and woman decide to have consentual sex outside of a relationship that, because the male is generally considered to be the "pursuer", that the woman is devaluing herself by consenting and should therefore face some sort of judgement or consequences? otherwise, what is there to take responsibility for?

 

 

When the woman is more "experienced." It generates a feeling of insecurity within the male. I think that's pretty natural. I mean we guys tend to be competative, so why would you value what other guys don't?

 

Getting a girl like that would be like winning the special olympics.

 

wow. i can buy that a guy might be intimidated by an experienced girl due to insecurities, sure - but a girl that has sex with a couple of guys has less intrinsic "value" than one who doesn't?

 

I guess I just don't understand this idea of "sex as currency" or whatever, or the notion that we should be rating women on some sort of sliding scale, or that I should give two sh*ts about whether some other guy considered my girlfriend "valuable" at any point. all that should matter to me is that she didn't feel like she was devaluing herself, which she didn't, and that we value each other now, which we do. I haven't had an above average amount of casual sex, but I can say that at no point did I feel a pronounced lack of respect towards the girls when it has happened.

 

Note the language men use when describing this situation. They typically want to feel special. That is where the problem truely lies. Because we men are not mind readers, so we cannot tell meaningless sex from meaningful sex.

 

if you're looking to the sexual act itself to make you feel special, then i don't think that you're going to ever sustain a relationship. sex itself is not unique, it's one of the most basic human functions. i've had sex with just over 20 women (most were girlfriends, I've been sexually active for fifteen years, so i don't feel that's very many, especially considering the extent of my social life and the opportunities that accompany that, but whatever), and I can DEFINITELY without a doubt say that this is special. and so can she, and I definitely believe her. and in no way do either of our pasts dilute anything.

 

So you say... "but she is with you now!" Which ultimately means what? Nothing, because she was with Joe Schmoe a month ago.... so the was "with him then." How do you rank and quantify that?

 

you don't "rank and quantify" anything!

 

BTW ... 28 here

 

so everyone is in their 20's as I had expected. I think that this has a lot to do with this manner of thinking - I don't think middle-aged people start "comparing numbers" early in their relationships, I think it's way easier to understand that people hit different stages in their lives when you are in later stages yourself. For instance, when my mom and stepdad got together, I don't imagine they had some conversation about each other's sexual histories (in fact, I know that they didn't) - hell, they were both divorced with kids, I think that it went without saying that they had both had some sex and made some mistakes!!

[AAlike]

I don't quite understand one part you mentioned. You said people that engage in those acts are trying to find something I seem to already have? What do you mean by that? What is that I've found that they haven't? You seem to have been exactly where I'm at and have had the same thoughts and have moved on from it. That's a very encouraging thing.

 

What I mean is that most people that are having casual sex would gladly trade their one-night stands or FWB's or threesomes or whatever other things that you don't want to hear about for a emotionally and sexually fulfilling relationship any day of the week, and the ones that wouldn't probably haven't been in such a relationship.