whichwayisup Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 If you tell, make it because you truly feel she needs to know the truth. Don't tell if you are hoping he'll get kicked out of his house and run straight into your arms so YOU benefit from telling her. I feel though because A isn't as it once was, NOW you wanna spill it, where as before, when the A was going well, you were happy, NO thoughts of telling ever entered your head. If one chooses to be in an affair with a married person, there are consquences to your own choices, and when an A changes for the worse, well, deal with it but leave the BS out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
MimiMe Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 I think you are right, that is exactly why she wants to tell. So if all she wants is some revenge on the MM at least in my thinking some good will come out of it in the long run for the wife. No question it will cause pain, but IMO it's more devastating to not know. I think we actually agree on this in some ways. I know that most OW who call the MM don't do it for the well being of the wife, but if the information helps the wife make decisions about her own life, that is a very warped silver lining, I hope I'm making sense here. IMO, I would just bounce and not deal with all that mess. It depends on the personalities of the parties involved. I had this done to me.. and it did not go well! I was unfortunate to not only have to deal with a cheating H but also to a skank of OW. That 2 cent tramp has no mercy. Even approached my 6 yr old at the store to tell him what she was doing with his father and called my little one names. Loser, and his father is a bigger loser to embrace a relationship with someone that does that to his son. (ok back to the post- sorry I had a moment of venting there). Classy Lady... dont be classless if you choose to tell. Good luck and wish you strenght. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 You know ... since I don’t have the courage myself to dump that loser, let’s hope the other guy/gal does so I don’t have to make all the hard choices for myself. That’s not growing up. That’s giving up. And taking back control over your life can’t happen if you willingly turn it over to someone else. There’s no real sense of self empowerment to be found in that. In the end, it’s a hollow victory. Ironically, that’s exactly what this married man has been doing the entire time, which is what created this whole mess in the first place. Honestly, I’d LOVE for the wife to find out, too. Preferable from that sorry excuse for a man she calls “husband.” However, she forgave him once, and there’s a real good possibility she could make the ‘choice’ to forgive him again. So where does that leave our poster? STUCK in the same situation she’s already in ... or worse ... stuck with that freeloader who’ll never love her back in same the capacity that she loves him. Again, a hollow victory. Better that if there’s any tattling to be done, that it be part of her exit stradegy. Something she does after finding the courage to walk away from that man all on her own. Not something she does out of spite once waiting long enough for him dump her ... or as part of her game plan to manipulate the odds in her favor. After all, it’s just another form of copping out when we expect someone else to find the courage to do what we don’t have the backbone to do ourselves. Kick him to the curb ... and THEN tell the wife you sincerely hope that one day, she too, will find courage and self-respect to do the same. Then keep going, and never look back... And ya know what ... if I were responding to the wife here instead of the girlfriend ... I’d be telling that poor, gullible woman the same exact thing. Both of these ladies are probably more alike than either of them would ever care to admit. And the only one benefiting from their misery is the guy who’s playing them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Classy Lady Posted March 18, 2008 Author Share Posted March 18, 2008 Ladies....wow, this forum has been great helping me & my situation. I do realize I wanted to tell for the wrong reasons. I've been in this A for so long and never did I do anything (purposely) to hurt her, and I wont do it now. You are right MimiMe & whichwayisup. I won't tell, like you said Nothing is forever hidden. If I set myself to fall for this A with a MM, now I should be woman enough to accept my consequences. I've always had a good heart and I wont let him change that because of my experience after loving him. I have enough pain in it to add the guilt of causing the W some also. After all these responses I can see and think from outside the box, and trust me ladies, everything looks very different when that blindfold for love it's taken off. Thank you all! Link to post Share on other sites
imstunned Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 You are so lucky to have found this forum. Listen to what whichway, LB, and others tell you. They are always looking out for you. They helped me through a hideous situation when all friends and family let me down. Hang in there and post post post. x Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 The one thing that stuck out to me was your statement that you wouldn't be telling his W to hurt her but not to let him get away with. If you weren't still seeing him, he wouldn't be getting away with it. He can't get away with what isn't happening. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 18, 2008 Share Posted March 18, 2008 The one thing that stuck out to me was your statement that you wouldn't be telling his W to hurt her but not to let him get away with. If you weren't still seeing him, he wouldn't be getting away with it. He can't get away with what isn't happening. Bent You beat me to it. This is almost exactly what I wanted to say. Why in the world is the OP concerned about letting him get away with it, when she is already letting him do that? Apparently from her wording, she is expecting SOMETHING to happen that PUNISHES him. Does it not occur to her that if she is the one initiating his punishment, he's not likely to come back to her for more? And yes, he CAN'T get away with what isn't happening!!!!! So what exactly is he doing differently now than during the 3.5 years before he left and went back? Nothing. Classy Lady, there is nothing classy about telling on someone - attempting to turn his W into his mother. Nothing classy about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) I ask myself the same question. First ask him to tell her, and give him reasons Why he should tell her. It's clear to me and probably to you too, that he left her to be with you, and went back to her--but is still with you. The least he owes the woman is the truth--not the whole truth, but some of it at least. My question for you is, why are you still in this A after he left you to go back to his W? I would think that's the deal breaker right there. Your situation is a tad different...allegedly you're having a married man's (with a pregnant wife's) twins. How exactly is he going to keep this a secret? Child support for 2 kids for 18 years? Kind of tough to slip that one by. I would suggest to at least wait until she has her child, it would be beyond cruel to dump this horrific news on his poor wife while she's pregnant. No wonder I get a headache when I read here. Edited March 19, 2008 by Impudent Oyster Link to post Share on other sites
Author Classy Lady Posted March 19, 2008 Author Share Posted March 19, 2008 NoIdidn't: I have until now received all advice very thankful, the good and the bad. But I feel your response seems angry. I'm hurting and need advice, I know I need to move on, but it's not easy. By your words I must say not supportive at all. Bent said the same, but does not come across the same way. It's not what you say, but how you say it. If I had all the answers I would'nt be here in the first place, don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 NID may have come off a certain way, but she does care...I honestly don't think she's angry, her style is different, like us all. Some are harsher than others (at times, myself included on that one) but the bottomline is, if we didn't care, we wouldn't reply. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Classy Lady Posted March 19, 2008 Author Share Posted March 19, 2008 (edited) Thanks whichwayisup ... Maybe your right and I'm just a little xtra sensative, it may be all that is trying to sink in at one time. Edited March 19, 2008 by Classy Lady spelling Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 It's okay. Many who post here are going through a rough time and some who reply to threads also are going through their own rough time, so sometimes emotions do get in the way. I've always said there's a big difference between harsh advice and rude/mean advice. If someone is name calling and saying nasty things, then that is wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 NoIdidn't: I have until now received all advice very thankful, the good and the bad. But I feel your response seems angry. I'm hurting and need advice, I know I need to move on, but it's not easy. By your words I must say not supportive at all. Bent said the same, but does not come across the same way. It's not what you say, but how you say it. If I had all the answers I would'nt be here in the first place, don't you think? Classy Lady I am not particularly sorry that you feel that way. I didn't post advice, just questioned your logic and reasoning. I never suggested that you move on or anything along those lines. So I am not sure HOW you came to that conclusion. I simply pointed out that it was telling that you only wanted to tell so that he "wouldn't get away with it". I am a direct poster. I don't sugarcoat my opinions. It wasn't meant to be supportive. It was a matter for discussion. I thank WWIU for supporting me and noting that I do care. And I still don't think that telling on someone is classy. No matter how you feel at the moment. I mean, think about this for a second. It was okay for him to get away with whatever it is that you feel he was getting away with for 3.5 years until he left to be with you. But it wasn't when he decided to go back and you decided to stay in the shadows? In other words, why does she have to pay for what you allowed and accepted for years? Link to post Share on other sites
Gwyneth Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 I know that I would absolutely want to know if my man was cheating on me. I don't care if I'm 9 months pregnant--someone better just tell me if he's being unfaithful so that I can get on with my life. I don't care who it would be that would tell me--it better be someone if it isn't the man who I made vows with. I'm sure for a moment or so I will not like the person who would tell me my man is cheating on me, whether it be a bf or a husband, but in the long run I am sure I'd appreciate it. Best thing to do is put yourself in the shoes of the wife / gf. Would you want to know? Or would you rather not know and let your husband / bf have this secret life? The choice is yours--follow your conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Classy Lady Posted March 19, 2008 Author Share Posted March 19, 2008 NoIdidn't: Wow.... Thanks for clearing up your discussion (not advice/support). Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 NoIdidn't: Wow.... Thanks for clearing up your discussion (not advice/support). Are you looking for advice or just support for your position of punishing him? My advice: don't tell. It seems you have an outcome in mind and things may not work out the way you want them. You are still seeing him. Are you planning on adding that to your outing of him? If not, your reasons for telling are not alturistic and you stand to lose far more than you stand to gain. Is that better? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Classy Lady Posted March 19, 2008 Author Share Posted March 19, 2008 NoIdidn't: I'm not looking for better, just support & advice going in either direction. Thank you for your advice, it adds support to my decision. Im not telling her, as I said before....I realized here I was thinking of doing so for the wrong reasons and I am not ready to add guilt to my hurt. I'll concentrate my efforts in finally letting go. Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 I have written a prior thread here, to make a long story short. Having an affair for 3 1/2 years, he left her to be with me, I was very happy & now he went back to his W. And....yes I'm still with him (you can read the details on my other thread). Now this is my dilema....I'm still with him, still love him with all my heart, but hate the fact that he has continued as if nothing has happened. And she the W, has no idea of the 3 1/2 years with me, she did find out but probably thinks it was just a cheap affair. I hate the fact that he is living this double life (and I know it was I who placed myself in this position), but should I tell the W? How long we were and still are together? How everyone (friends, his family, my fam.) knew all these years except her? How could this be,you may ask....Well we live in different states, close enough but also far enough to have kept it quiet. After making it to an open R with him, I now have a 9 to 5, Mon - Friday A. And she has no idea this ever happened. Should I tell her? only if you want to lose him for ever. if you think he'll forgive you, think again. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 19, 2008 Share Posted March 19, 2008 Your situation is a tad different...allegedly you're having a married man's (with a pregnant wife's) twins. How exactly is he going to keep this a secret? Child support for 2 kids for 18 years? Kind of tough to slip that one by. I would suggest to at least wait until she has her child, it would be beyond cruel to dump this horrific news on his poor wife while she's pregnant. No wonder I get a headache when I read here. G has also been pushing for support for her view that her (now ex?) MM should tell his W, so there ya go Link to post Share on other sites
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