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Posted
OK. More heartache. More depression.

I called the OM again last night. No response.

Called one last time tonight. Again, no answer, so I left a message..I told him I would like to talk one last time to get closure, clear the air..told him to call me if he wanted to talk, also..and that if he didn't call I would understand..I told him this would be my last call to him otherwise..

I waited. No response. I guess that's all the closure I am going to get.

 

Look how desperate you look and sound. Aren't you ashamed of yourself as a married woman?

Posted
I waited. No response. I guess that's all the closure I am going to get.

 

You are right. Your closure now has to come within. This man is married and that in itself should be enough reason to end it. Don't let ego get in the way of your closure.

 

I'm sure he realizes our relationship would go nowhere outside the workplace, we both have enough morals to not turn what we had into something sordid....but I would like to have heard those words out his mouth. I think I deserved at least a phone call to that effect.

 

Yes, it would have been nice, but he HAS told you that the A wasn't going to go anywhere, and he didn't want to get hurt, and also didn't want to have an angry husband knocking on his door. (I think this part is in page one of your thread). He actually has given you answers, you just aren't seeing them.

 

You know he had some feelings for you, and did care, but he is married and again, it couldn't go anywhere. Hanging on and you calling him asking him for "one more goodbye" is only going to make him distance himself from you more.

 

I am sorry and I know you're in pain. Try to grieve the loss and focus on your husband! You are very lucky he is forgiving and allowing you a chance to make it right again. Don't blow this opportunity by chasing down the MM who doesn't want to see or talk to you anymore.

Posted

WWIU, the man she had the EA with is not married.

 

Taylor, he may yet respond but you have to proceed as though he won't. You gave him an out with "I will understand" and he may take it...in retrospect I might not have said that. If you put yourself in his shoes there are an awful lot of reasons for distancing himself from this that would have nothing to do with how much he valued you or the relationship. Try not to read things into his silence that may not be there.

Posted

Taylor, make no more attempts to contact ex OM, I'd change my cell phone number if I were you! You have to go absolutely NC with OM, because if you don't, it'll get to the point that you will ride OM! If OM isn't calling back, that tells you that OM was just in it for the SEX! That would make him scum! Don't ya think?

Posted
WWIU, the man she had the EA with is not married.

 

I realized that just as I was reading your reply. Sorry for the mistake there. Either way, it doesn't change the point in my reply earlier.

Posted

Taylor,

 

I read this whole damn thread in a single sitting. One thing that came through loud and clear was the number of "I's" and "My's" you typed. You are full of them.

 

You want "closure". You want to understand your OM's "feelings". You don't want him to be unhappy or angry with you.

 

Try and be more real. You want to be in complete control of two mens lives. You almost made it happen. When your OM began to take a step back You didn't like it. He's obviously gone to NC or limited contact now and you don't like that either. You have lost control of your OM.

 

It's much the same with your husband. You forced him to listen to your romantic love story, spared him no details, purged yourself of guilt at his expense. You infliced what is probably the most intense emotional pain possible on him, and expected him to be there in your grandious quest to end the relationship with your OM in a graceful manner (that really got to me).

 

Early on you mentioned that your OM had been "hurt" in two previous relationships. Presumably he has developed a stragity to deal with emotional pain and upheaval. Obviously he's using it to survive the blows you have delt him. Why not leave him alone to do it? .. Oh that's right, it doesen't fit in with your desire to be in control of the emotions of all three people involved.

 

You decided early on that 80% of your husband wasn't enough for you. You are the one that created this whole drama, out of whole cloth. When are you going to take responsibility for your actions instead of pretending it's some long involved Romance Novel, or Passion Play that must meander slowly toward and ending that leaves you proud, strong, undamaged....

 

You see yourself as Scarlet O'hara, standing on that balcony, announcing to the world that you will bravely overcome all the pain and heartache you brought about.

 

Get over yourself please. Your problems are common ones. Normal folks, like most here at LS deal with life everyday. Sometimes it ain't fun.

Posted

Said the pot to the kettle! This is exactly what you are in due process of doing! Causing the break up of a marriage? Am I ringing any bells here? LSD, you need to get help. Do so before you ruin more peoples lives. Get counseling!

Posted
Said the pot to the kettle! This is exactly what you are in due process of doing! Causing the break up of a marriage? Am I ringing any bells here? LSD, you need to get help. Do so before you ruin more peoples lives. Get counseling!

 

There, there Darth, it'll all be better in the morning. Additionally I'll take all the help I can find.. you just wouldn't approve of the help I am looking for.

 

You're really a nice guy Darth, you just are getting tired of carrying around all that armor and life support aparatus. If you'd take that scary helmet off once in awhile, people might see you smile.

  • Author
Posted

Just found out the OM contacted one of our mutual coworkers (a 55 yo) and asked him to put in a good word to the man's 30 yo daughter. He told this coworker "Your daughter is beautiful. Think I might have a chance with her? Can you put in a good word for me?"

 

A half hour later the OM contacted the coworker again and said, "Forget it. I'm sure I'm not good enough for your daughter."

 

The OM appears to be moving on...Wish I could.

  • Author
Posted

Lakeside - It has never been my intention to control anyone. In fact, this whole situation seems to have been out of control since day one.

 

These are the facts:

 

1. Met the OM 13 months ago.

2. Both of us needy - him moreso than me. Him- self esteem issues from being put thru a meat grinder by ex-wife who left him to raise 2 children alone and financially destitute. Me - lonely and empty with workaholic husband that has been pulling away, leading singular life ,for 5 years.

3. I stepped into a nurturing role - giving OM emotional support, ego boosts, pep talks, listening ear, even helping him financially. My heart went out to him and his situation. He stepped into role of a new boyfriend, showering me with complements, lots of attention, conversation, appreciation.

4. I made him feel like he was worth something. I helped tear down a wall of self-doubt and fear about trusting people. He made me feel needed, special, beautiful. We both made each other laugh for the first time in a long time.

 

There was nothing controlling here. Just two very vulnerable people.

 

As his relationship with his then-girlfriend got rockier and I pulled farther from my husband, the feelings turned romantic/sexual. It all remained a fantasy because those feelings are the only thing he and I did manage to keep under control - we did not allow the EA to turn to a PA.

 

I know I should not have allowed my nurturing feelings for this man to turn romantic. I knew I was playing with fire because I knew I was attracted to him. I thought I could control my own feelings. I couldn't.

 

The OM knew I was married. He allowed himself to develop feelings of desire, especially after he and his girlfriend broke up. He went into full-pursuit mode after the break-up although there were tell-tale signs prior to the break-up (he was testing the waters). Again, I failed to control anything. I just let it happen. No excuse.

 

After he left our place of employment, these were the facts:

1. I am the one who sent the goodbye letter to break it off. He is the one who verbally voiced the desire to keep in contact. I caved in.

2. The next day he contacted me twice and told me again he wanted to stay in contact. Again, I told him the letter was meant to say "goodbye."

Again, he insisted we stay in contact. Again I caved.

3. I contacted him several days later to ask if we could talk since it all seemed so uncomfortable. He was quick to respond, saying he would love to talk about it. Now he doesn't.

 

Everytime we talked he brought up my husband. I knew this would happen as soon as any contact would be attempted outside the workplace. That is why I sent the goodbye letter. I knew it couldn't work. It took him a little longer to realize it.

 

This man has been hurt by women in the past..and his way of dealing with it is twofold: He withdraws, shutting himself off socially and emotionally (that's what he was doing when I met him) and he jumps.. no...dives head first into another relationship (rebound) because he is very lonely and needy (when I met him he had just started seeing his girlfriend - they had sex on the first date and he moved her into his house with his 2 children within 6 months.)

 

The minute things turned rocky with his girlfriend, he started coming on to me. I knew what was happening. I should have given him the red light..but I enjoyed the attention and I was attracted to him..Again I caved. No control over anything.

 

As far as my husband is concerned, He sensed me pulling away from him very early on and knew something was up but didn't say anything. When it was all over, he WANTED to know the details, I didn't force them on him. He said he would rather know then let his imagination run wild.

 

I did hurt 3 people. I'm dealing with that pain. It's not my desire to control these two men. It's my desire to somehow ease their pain by trying to explain how something so devastating to three lives could happen when in the beginning all appeared to be so innocent and with good intentions.

 

I am not trying to hang on to the OM for one more goodbye. I want a meetings of the minds and hearts. I wanted us to both come to the understanding/realization that what started out as good intentions and a good friendship just took on more meaning that it should have. Yes, it is my fault as well as his. We let it happen. I take fuller responsibility, not because I was in control, but because I knew he was more vulnerable than I when we met.

 

I would also like to seek forgiveness from both men. That will not happen with the OM because he has withdrawn, moved on, instituting NC. And I think it will take a lifetime to regain trust and forgiveness from my husband.

 

 

Darth - It is very possible sex was the motivating drive on the OM's part, especially after his girlfriend left him. He said on more than one occassion, "I am a young man. I have needs.." The flirtatiousness and body language definitely heated up after she was out of his house. leA co-worker of mine said the OM was "testing the waters to see if he could have an affair with you - a married woman - and he continued to pursue because he didn't see a red light. Circumstances separated you (job change) not common sense or a desire to not cross the line. Down the road, you don't know whether you would have crossed that line or not..You'll never know now."

 

81West - Thank you once again for your compassionate words. It comforts me in a way - the thought that I did mean something to him - but also hurts me to know that if it all did mean something to him - I hurt him.....We hurt each other...and that's the last thing I wanted to happen.

 

WWIS - You are right...every word.

  • Author
Posted

Quick correction - the OM moved his girlfriend in with him and his 2 children 6 weeks after they met.

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