My boyfriend is picking his sister over me

[Laurenwho]

This is a weird situation and I don't know where to post it. My guy and I have been together for several years. We live together, split bills, etc. He wants to get married this year but because of other issues (I feel neglected because of lack of time he spends with me) I'm not ready too. I recently bought a brand new car. It isn't an expensive car (Toyota Corolla) but I've never had a brand new car before so it is a big thing to me) Well on friday I was driving home from work and I decided to take a different road because the road I normally take is full of pot holes and you almost lose a tire going over them. So I didn't want to damage my nice new car. Well I was waiting at a red light (about three cars back from the light and all at once (the light is still red) BOOOM! Someone rear ended my car. I got out to look at the damage and was ready to start screaming at the person in the other vehicle when I realized the person who hit me was my boyfriend's sister!!!! She was just like "oh did I just hit you? " and I was like yeah (dumbass!) looks like it. She wasn't paying attention or something and had just driven her van into the back of my car. Luckily, it only broke a taillight and busted the bumper but I was still very upset.

 

 

I called the police and the officer who showed up was a woman I work with's son!! Small world. He knows me (he always talks to me when he comes into work to see his mom). He took the report and came back to me and told me that the other driver (my boyfriend's sister) has no proof of insurance. Well the state I live in requires all drivers to have insurance and if you don't, they will fine you, take your driver's license away and the license on the vehicle you are driving and you can also possibly go to jail. I tell him that the driver is my boyfriend's sister (I probably shouldnt' have told him this) so he didnt' write her a ticket. I went home and told my boyfriend what had happened. He called his sister and yelled at her and was very upset with the situation (I am listed as a driver on his insurance but I pay my own premiums) We did this because we get a multi-car discount and insurance is cheaper this way. I have never had an accident in the 11 + years I've been driving. (his ex totalled two of his cars).

 

I was furious that his sister was driving without insurance and now she wants to just pay for everything herself. Well the problem with that is that she has NO job. She recently lost her job (layoff) and doesn't have any money that I know of. So either my boyfriend's parents will have to give her the money to pay for it (she is 35 with two kids) or my boyfriend will have to pay to fix my vehicle. I called the insurance company and reported the accident and gave them the information about his sister. Well the insurance agent called his sister to get her insurance info (that it turned out she doestn' have) and she flipped out and called my boyfriend and told him off and said that I was causing trouble. I was under the impression that you are supposed to report an accident no matter whose fault it is. I also requested that a police report be filed. I don't want to get screwed over (and have to pay for the damage myself). Well now my boyfriend is upset with ME because he says he is stuck between his sister and me. That he doesn't want her to lose her license (the cop that came to the scene is someone I know and he told me that if it turned out the other driver didn't have insurance to notify him and he'll cite her.) Well I wasnt going to do this since it is my boyfriend's sister but the way she is acting and HE is acting toward me I'm really tempted to. HE is screaming at me for two days like the accident is MY fault (he says he knows its not but that I am being difficult) as his sister wants to go to a junk yard nad find a used bumper for my car and I say no way. My car is a 2008 and I want NEW replacement parts on it straight from the dealer.

 

Also this accident will affect the value of my car in the future should I sell it as anyone can look up a vehicle on Carfax and see that it was involved in an accident. My boyfriend says this is MY fault since I should have never asked for a police report. Well my father got hit by someone (backed into his car in a parking lot while he was sitting in the car) and they didnt' have insurance and begged him not to call the police and that they would pay for it. Well they never did and he had no police report to document that the accident ever occurred. My boyfriend also lied to me- he came home with $1000 in cash and handed it to me and said it was from his sister. I didn't believe him but he told me over and over it from his sister's tax return money and that she had given it to him to give to me to show good faith. I questioned him several times and even suggested it was HIS money. He swore up and down that it was from his sister. Turns out it was HIS money. HE'd gone to the bank to get it and LIED to my face. His excuse was well lying to you was easier than listening to you get upset. He said that there is nothing wrong with lying to me about certain things?????? I am so upset and don't know what to do. I understand this is his sister but it feels like he is taking her side over mine (and no one should have to pick sides I just want the damage paid for) SHE IS the one who is in the wrong. I don't know what to do,

[dreamergrl]

Would you have been alright with him paying for the repairs if he was straight with you about it?

I can understand your feelings about being lied too. But in the same respect, I think he's trying to keep peace between you and his sister. Talk to him and explain to him that you don't feel that lying is the way to go, especially if he would like to be married this year.

[Immortalone]

Your boyfriend is realy in a bad spot. think about it. Two people that he loves and has cared for over many years is asking him to choose a side over the other one. I think the key to all of this is that it was an accedent. She did not see your car and speed up to ram into you. Yes she should have had insurance on her car but as you said yourself she has no job, no money and so on. Personly she should have parked her car but the way our towns are built then a person usely can't get around without a car. Myself I think I would have given her 20 days to make admends on the repairs and if not by that time frame then I would have filed a report. As far as the insurance goes there realy was no reason to call them unless you just decided she or her family were not going to fix your car. Like I said it is a rough spot to be in. Realy for all of you. If this is the man your going to marry then it sounds like there is going to be some family issues out of this.

[Kamille]

Just a question but: why does it matter to you where the money for the repairs come from? Do you have a shared bank account or is this just a matter of principle for you?

[Laurenwho]

THere does not have to be sides to this. My boyfriend is the one who started "picking sides" when he decided to yell at me for filing a police report. I should mention that the police officer didn't give me an option for filing a report. I could have gone to the cop and told him that his sister DOES NOT Have insurance (he told me to call him if this was the case instead of just an expired insurance card she was carrying around) and I did NOT do this. So his sister got a break. She was out of a job less than a month ago and my boyfriend and I both found her two jobs and she refused them (one she would have been hired on the spot) saying she wanted to take a two week vacation. Now she says she can not pay for my car because she is using her tax money (the day after she hit my car) because her boyfriend's truck needs a new transmission. Well I am SORRY about that but SHE hit my car and she needs to take care of paying for the damages. no, I do not want my boyfriend to use his money to pay for my car because he is saving that money for us to take a vacation (I have already reserved the house near the ocean for a week this summer) and now I will have to pay for it because he is using that money to pay for my car. So basically I am paying for the damage to my own car just not outright).

 

 

Yes, It was an accident, but she is "lucky" she hit me and not a stranger. A stranger would probably sue her and she'd go to jail for not having insurance. My boyfriend screaming at me and lying to me about things does not make me feel better about the situation. I've never been in an accident before and I cant' get that big BOOM out of my head. when I"m driving now I'm always nervous and looking behind me when I'm stopped and I start shaking when someone looks like they are coming up fast behind me.

[dreamergrl]

Maybe you can figure out a way for her to repay you in monthly payments. Yes it was her fault - but your bf is in a tough situation. How would you feel if you were in his shoes? I think the best way to go about this is for everyone to compermise a little. Fix the car, and figure out a way that she can repay you - set up monthly payments. Your bf feels caught in the middle - he feels he has an obligation to be loyal to his family, which is understandable. I bet if you're willing to give a little, he'd let off a bit.

[Kamille]

THere does not have to be sides to this. My boyfriend is the one who started "picking sides" when he decided to yell at me for filing a police report. I should mention that the police officer didn't give me an option for filing a report. I could have gone to the cop and told him that his sister DOES NOT Have insurance (he told me to call him if this was the case instead of just an expired insurance card she was carrying around) and I did NOT do this. So his sister got a break. She was out of a job less than a month ago and my boyfriend and I both found her two jobs and she refused them (one she would have been hired on the spot) saying she wanted to take a two week vacation. Now she says she can not pay for my car because she is using her tax money (the day after she hit my car) because her boyfriend's truck needs a new transmission. Well I am SORRY about that but SHE hit my car and she needs to take care of paying for the damages. no, I do not want my boyfriend to use his money to pay for my car because he is saving that money for us to take a vacation (I have already reserved the house near the ocean for a week this summer) and now I will have to pay for it because he is using that money to pay for my car. So basically I am paying for the damage to my own car just not outright).

 

 

Yes, It was an accident, but she is "lucky" she hit me and not a stranger. A stranger would probably sue her and she'd go to jail for not having insurance. My boyfriend screaming at me and lying to me about things does not make me feel better about the situation. I've never been in an accident before and I cant' get that big BOOM out of my head. when I"m driving now I'm always nervous and looking behind me when I'm stopped and I start shaking when someone looks like they are coming up fast behind me.

 

I think you're feeling a lot of outrage about all this and it sounds like you resent the sister for more then just the accident. But you want her to pay. You want her -and him- to recognize that she did you wrong.

 

Post-traumatic stress is comon after accidents. I have been in three, all minor, none of them my fault, and I have always focused on the fact that 1) accidents are by definition not premeditaded 2) if we all stay calm it'll be better to find a compromise that works for everyone.

 

I think you should calm down, stop feeling like a victim (you are a rationnal human being), and speak directly - and calmly to the sister to work out an arrangement. Leave your boyfriend out of it since you don't want him involved anyways.

[Trialbyfire]

Laurenwho, take the money and get your car fixed. Withdraw your claim, if at all possible.

 

Your b/f doesn't need to take either side. You are his SO and his sister, is family. He does owe you an apology for yelling at you.

 

You're asking for him to choose between you and family. Why must you do this? His sister is an idiot. Why not simply express this and if you feel like it, express that your b/f is an idiot for empowering her inability to handle life, that he's doing her no favours in the long run, by protecting her?

 

You're not your SOs or his sister's mother. Move off this issue or eventually, you'll lose it all.

[AussieJack]

 

You're asking for him to choose between you and family. Why must you do this? His sister is an idiot. Why not simply express this and if you feel like it, express that your b/f is an idiot for empowering her inability to handle life, that he's doing her no favours in the long run, by protecting her?

 

You're not your SOs or his sister's mother. Move off this issue or eventually, you'll lose it all.

 

I agree with some of this -but not all.

However the OP is not the one who caused the accident - if you rear end someone you are somewhere between 150% and 100% in the wrong.

SHe was stationary for pete's sake .

SEcondly if the B/f wants to marry her, he better realize that he OWES his G/f his lotalty over his sister.

Your SO comes FIRST..

 

Thirdly, why doesn't then OP get her own accident insurance company to pay the damage ?

That is how it goes down here.

[carhill]

Thirdly, why doesn't then OP get her own accident insurance company to pay the damage ?

 

If she paid cash for the car, she could drive it without collision insurance (when a lender loans money on the car, they require collision with a certain deductible). Without collision insurance, and/or un-/under-insured motorist insurance, there is no actionable claim other than against the other driver.

 

When my wife has been in similar accidents, we just file a claim against our collision coverage and our insurance company deals with the other driver's company or sues the driver personally (if uninsured).

 

I'm squarely with the OP here. Moreover, it sounds likes she's hooked up with a family who doesn't have a sterling set of values when it comes to responsibility.

 

I agree with AJ that the BF should be squarely in the OP's corner here. She's the injured party and right is right, family or not. Just because they're family doesn't give them a pass on their responsibilities as citizens.

[Siciliana]

I can totally relate and understand to the new car thing. Just bought a brand new Camry. So, I would be irked to no end had the same situation happened to me.

 

However, I must say that your boyfriend is right about the carfax thing. If it was me in that exact same situation, I would have never reported it to the police or the insurace company.

 

I don't think it matters where the parts come from either. Especially when you KNOW the money is going to come from anyone but her, and if it does come from her, it will come out of her kids' mouths. Junk yard or dealer, as long as it gets replaced and looks like it did pre-accident then you shouldn't make a big deal out of it.

 

Until you are married and have a family of your own with this man, never expect him to pick you over his family, regardless of bill-paying/living situations. That is his blood. And, until you give him some of his own blood to rear you are only a girlfriend.

 

Don't mean to sound harsh. Just calling it like I see it.

 

I hope your car gets fixed and everything turns out ok for you.

[Kamille]

I agree with AJ that the BF should be squarely in the OP's corner here. She's the injured party and right is right, family or not. Just because they're family doesn't give them a pass on their responsibilities as citizens.

 

But the family is dealing with the accident as many families would: they offered to pay for the damage. They're offering to do right for the property damage. Her car will get fixed. I don't understand why it is so important that the sister be the one to pay - especially considering she is currently jobless and has two kids.

 

My roomate slammed into my parked car once and her dad's friend repaired my Toyota Corolla with used parts. My car was fixed, I was happy. End of problems. I still drive the same car, 6 years hence and now know where to find a good mechanic if ever it breaks down (which it never did).

 

I get the impression that the OP actually has deeper issues with the sister; OP might find her irresponsible, resent her for not taking the job that bf and OP found for her and the accident is just pushing all of this foward.

[StartingOver07]

But the family is dealing with the accident as many families would: they offered to pay for the damage. They're offering to do right for the property damage. Her car will get fixed. I don't understand why it is so important that the sister be the one to pay

 

Because if the OP's BF pays, he will be using money that has been earmarked for a vacation the OP and BF were going to take together. In this case, the OP will have to make up for his share of the vacation. So, indirectly, she'd be paying to have her car repaired.

 

Honestly, the situation stinks. If anyone but the BF's sister had hit the OP, we'd all be in agreemnt that no one should be driving without insurance and that the OP should take whatever steps are necessary to get her car fixed by the other driver, etc.

 

That said, it does sound as though the OP has other issues with the sister. In particular, it's hard to understand why she called the accident in to her insurance company -- knowing they would want to go after the at-fault driver -- without talking to her BF first.

 

To the OP: People mean more than things. Although your car is new and this seems like a huge affront to you right now, try to project yourself 5 years into the future. Will you care that you killed your r/s with your BF over a car? Because if things continue as they are, you will create an untenable position for your BF and enough "family" unhappiness that marriage will soon be off the table.

 

As I often tell my kids: think about what you want -- both long term and short term -- and what is the best way to get it.

[carhill]

I had this long detailed answer typed out, since I have experience with such things, mainly auto restoration and race car construction, but I can boil it down to one positive comment.

 

The OP now knows how her BF and their family do business. That's good information

[Trialbyfire]

I'm literally insane about any car I own, babying it, keeping it garaged about 95% of the time, when not actually driving. This includes cars I've owned for years, not just a new one.

 

Family is everything. If this type of familial closeness offends the OP, best to find another guy who isn't so protective of their family. I find it unfair when people feel it's okay to tear someone between loyalties, over something as insignificant, on the scale of things, as a car. Having said this, I truly hope there are underlying issues, instead of the pettiness displayed.

[Star Gazer]

Laurenwho, take the money and get your car fixed. Withdraw your claim, if at all possible.

 

Your b/f doesn't need to take either side. You are his SO and his sister, is family. He does owe you an apology for yelling at you.

 

You're asking for him to choose between you and family. Why must you do this? His sister is an idiot. Why not simply express this and if you feel like it, express that your b/f is an idiot for empowering her inability to handle life, that he's doing her no favours in the long run, by protecting her?

 

You're not your SOs or his sister's mother. Move off this issue or eventually, you'll lose it all.

 

I agree.

 

As an aside, assuming the person who had hit you was a random person with insurance, it's highly likely that you STILL would have wound up with used (or at least after market) parts. I have yet to see any insurance carrier pay for

brand spanking new replacement parts, unless your premiums are through the roof.

[AussieJack]

Family is everything. If this type of familial closeness offends the OP, best to find another guy who isn't so protective of their family.

 

"Family" in this case was an irresponsible incompetent driver of a motor vehicle which damaged the OPs car .

THe thoughtless comment by TBF -"Family is everything".. is misguided .

This is not about having each others back as blood relatives should do.

 

THis should be about allowing the sister and OP to sort out a drama which was NOBODY's problem but their's.

The Bf's "protectiveness" of his sister was NOT helpful or productive support of his sister - it is more "rescuing" than support.

 

I agree that the OP should think hard and long about whether she really wants to marry this guy given his unwarranted intrusion into a situation which was none of his business in the first place.

IF he had stood back and not become actively involved the hostility and resentment between the OP and her BF would not exist. So much for familiy interference masquerading as "helping"..

 

The sister caused the auto problem in the first instance and the B/f made it worse in the second instance.

 

The OP is being misunderstood and almost pilloried here. She is the innocent party..

 

The comments about her possibly having " personal issues" with the sister are also irresponsible . Who cares - it is irrelevant ..Judge Judy would say so in no uncertain terms...

 

I am on the OPs side -completely.

[Advocate's Devilette]

I am on the OP's side, too. She wants her car fixed as best as possible and his sister is a dumbass for driving without insurance and deserves all the punishment that comes with that. The best lesson for his sister is to have to pay consequences for being a dumbass driver, this is scary people like her are out on the road.