When We're Married....

[HeatherK08]

The divorce will leave him with a huge gaping hole in his heart and in his life. The first thing he will want to do is fill that with you, to try to banish as much pain as possible. Do not let him do this. That hole he will have has to fill up and heal over before you can even come into the picture in a serious way. Do not be filler for someone else's broken marriage. Make him see that you want a more stable foundation than a hole to build on. His heart has to be healed and healthy before you will consider living with him, much less marry him. He needs a counselor or a therapist to help him do that, not a girlfriend to fill those gaps. You can be there for him, but don't let him make you 'everything'.

 

I'm a huge believer in tough love - I know, I went through the same thing in my D. It took a long time to be at peace with it, and even now I realize there are things I'm not really 'over' with the xH - I was very angry that he was not capable of making it work, and for making me be the one to end it. Sigh. It's bringing up alot of stuff for me too, which is good - my T will have lots to work with this week!

[White Flower]

Your therapist is out of line.

With all due respect, many therapists are on the side of love. If a man feels truer to himself with someone other than his wife the therapist will guide him in that direction. Otherwise it could very well take years of a downward spiral of resentment to get one or both to realize it just wasn't meant to be. More children and assets come along during this often dismal phase and it is so much better to find out early. I wished I had.

[HeatherK08]

So far no news from the MM. Still NC and I'm actually feeling pretty good. I have more energy, have been sleeping ok and getting up early. The nights are hard but I try to just go to sleep straight away instead of staying up re-reading his old emails like I used to.

 

I saw him in the lobby yesterday at work, we stared at eachother - he seemed calm but sad and I gave him one of those strained smiles - I don't want him to think I hate him. NC would be much harder to maintain if we didn't work at the same company I think. I kind of know that I'll see him around.

 

I don't know why but I have a good feeling about all of this and that something will happen, one way or the other, come April/May.

[Lyssa]

I don't know why but I have a good feeling about all of this and that something will happen, one way or the other, come April/May.

 

Good job on keeping NC going!

 

Why April/May if you don't mind my asking you?

[Owl]

A suggestion...

 

Try excersising HARD during the day, or early in the evening. Wear yourself out, so that when its time for bed, you can go straight to sleep without laying awake dreaming of the "what ifs".

 

Excersise is the best possible natural cure for depression you can get. And lets face it...if you weren't somewhat depressed at the end of a relationship, you wouldn't be human.

 

Hit the gym, run...whatever you enjoy. Work out so that you pass out when your head hits the pillow.

 

Just a thought.

[HeatherK08]

Good job on keeping NC going!

 

Why April/May if you don't mind my asking you?

 

I dunno. I get these 'feelings' - and they've alway come out right. By 'good' I mean that he will make a decision one way or another and he can be at peace with it. I'll be able to heal more and move on if he stays. I'm not one of those OW's who will hover around if he stays, hoping the M will fail some time down the road. I'll be moving on.

[HeatherK08]

A suggestion...

 

Try excersising HARD during the day, or early in the evening. Wear yourself out, so that when its time for bed, you can go straight to sleep without laying awake dreaming of the "what ifs".

 

Excersise is the best possible natural cure for depression you can get. And lets face it...if you weren't somewhat depressed at the end of a relationship, you wouldn't be human.

 

Hit the gym, run...whatever you enjoy. Work out so that you pass out when your head hits the pillow.

 

Just a thought.

 

I do, I exercise on my elliptical at home from 7 to 8 every day, get a shower, put my kids to bed and either stay up studying or doing work and then get to bed. I've been in therapy for 10 years now (I have an anxiety disorder), I know all the tricks

 

Thank you for the supportive post

[Lyssa]

I dunno. I get these 'feelings' - and they've alway come out right. By 'good' I mean that he will make a decision one way or another and he can be at peace with it. I'll be able to heal more and move on if he stays. I'm not one of those OW's who will hover around if he stays, hoping the M will fail some time down the road. I'll be moving on.

 

Okay. I know what you mean about "feelings" - kinda like instincts. Good for you that you won't be hovering around. When the time comes for you to move on, it will not be that hard cause you don't hang on to it like it would be the end of the world if he didn't leave.

[HeatherK08]

Okay. I know what you mean about "feelings" - kinda like instincts. Good for you that you won't be hovering around. When the time comes for you to move on, it will not be that hard cause you don't hang on to it like it would be the end of the world if he didn't leave.

 

Nope, I can only say that I would be forever grateful to him for showing me what kind of love can exists since prior to him I was dating guys not really up to my standards (settling for weak intellectual and emotional connections).

[findmyway]

Great post, we've talked about this alot. Like he was worried that after he leaves I won't be interested in him as much - and what will have to talk about other than how much we want to be together, and for me, would he really want to jump right into another relationship so fast? wouldn't he need time to recover from his divorce? So we both agreed that we wouldn't be getting married so soon, that it would take at least 2 years to sort everything out and we'd need to 'date' to see where things went. I really hope he stays in his rental house and gets some time ALONE. I wouldn't be more happy if he was able to do that and get himself back to living true to his feelings.

 

 

Heather- this is exactly what my sMM is trying to do (find himself)... and him and I have also agreed if we end up together we will be taking it slow as well. No rushing into anything.. so many people are involved it would be selfish just to think he can get D and then everything is perfect. You have to look at the big picture.

 

I couldn't agree more when you say that you hope he gets back to his true feelings, I hope my sMM does too. We are NC for this very reason, but i dont think it means we dont have a chance in the future... i dont think some people on here understand that though. I do know that I need to protect myself though and progress on as if their is no chance, then if there ends up being one, face it as it comes.

 

I think you and I's situations are very different, yet very similiar. We seem to be going thru similiar emotions and obstacles right now. I am glad I am not alone, but then again I am sorry others out there have to suffer as well.

 

Oh- i also agree with you on the point that if my sMM goes home... i am not a hoverer either. At that pt, he needs to live with what he chose and i will let him do just that.

[HeatherK08]

Heather- this is exactly what my sMM is trying to do (find himself)... and him and I have also agreed if we end up together we will be taking it slow as well. No rushing into anything.. so many people are involved it would be selfish just to think he can get D and then everything is perfect. You have to look at the big picture.

 

I couldn't agree more when you say that you hope he gets back to his true feelings, I hope my sMM does too. We are NC for this very reason, but i dont think it means we dont have a chance in the future... i dont think some people on here understand that though. I do know that I need to protect myself though and progress on as if their is no chance, then if there ends up being one, face it as it comes.

 

I think you and I's situations are very different, yet very similiar. We seem to be going thru similiar emotions and obstacles right now. I am glad I am not alone, but then again I am sorry others out there have to suffer as well.

 

Oh- i also agree with you on the point that if my sMM goes home... i am not a hoverer either. At that pt, he needs to live with what he chose and i will let him do just that.

 

Yep - at least you are out of that him being at home/guilt mess. I was elated to hear he was sleeping out of the house again, but am so scared to get my hopes up. Seeing his therapist was a great validation for me, knowing that he really does love me and that the marriage really has been a mess for many years. I don't feel so bad, and now that we've agreed to do NC, just makes me realize how serious this all is. I couldn't bear to keep having an affair with him like that.

 

Now am I dating other people and completely giving up on it? Uh..no, not yet. If he goes home, then that's that, but right now I think he's really giving it a go and making SURE about his decision. That means so much to me. Why have them leave just because you're in NC? That's an emotional knee-jerk reaction. Him giving me space and taking his own makes me realize that this is something he's taking very seriously. I have my own time frame for when I would completely move on (open my heart to date other people), but I do have some peace having this distance as well. I can deal with this and I'll be ok. Sounds like you will be too - you're right about the big picture and doing what's best in everyone's interest (but not above your own best interest) so there is less damage to those involved. I also have a feeling he's trying to distance the timing between him leaving the house and being with me so his W doesn't think he just up and left her for me (which he didn't and isn't and we agreed that there's no reason to hurt her like that). The only thing I worry about is that there will be events or situations that will make him feel like he *has* to stay, like his W getting ill, or her work schedule or his, you know, something logistical - something like that. I told him once that there will never be a *right* time to leave, there will always be something going on. My mom has wanted to divorce my step father for years now, but he ended up getting diagnosed with skin cancer and other illnesses and she's felt too guilty to leave.

 

I wish you the best with everything.

[findmyway]

Yep - at least you are out of that him being at home/guilt mess. I was elated to hear he was sleeping out of the house again, but am so scared to get my hopes up. Seeing his therapist was a great validation for me, knowing that he really does love me and that the marriage really has been a mess for many years. I don't feel so bad, and now that we've agreed to do NC, just makes me realize how serious this all is. I couldn't bear to keep having an affair with him like that.

 

Now am I dating other people and completely giving up on it? Uh..no, not yet. If he goes home, then that's that, but right now I think he's really giving it a go and making SURE about his decision. That means so much to me. Why have them leave just because you're in NC? That's an emotional knee-jerk reaction. Him giving me space and taking his own makes me realize that this is something he's taking very seriously. I have my own time frame for when I would completely move on (open my heart to date other people), but I do have some peace having this distance as well. I can deal with this and I'll be ok. Sounds like you will be too - you're right about the big picture and doing what's best in everyone's interest (but not above your own best interest) so there is less damage to those involved. I also have a feeling he's trying to distance the timing between him leaving the house and being with me so his W doesn't think he just up and left her for me (which he didn't and isn't and we agreed that there's no reason to hurt her like that). The only thing I worry about is that there will be events or situations that will make him feel like he *has* to stay, like his W getting ill, or her work schedule or his, you know, something logistical - something like that. I told him once that there will never be a *right* time to leave, there will always be something going on. My mom has wanted to divorce my step father for years now, but he ended up getting diagnosed with skin cancer and other illnesses and she's felt too guilty to leave.

 

I wish you the best with everything.

 

I admire that you see your NC period as meaning he is taking things seriously. That is exactly what I believe my sMM is doing.. he is stepping up to the plate as he should in this situation. He wants to do things for the right reason and yes if he leaves, he doesnt want the connection to be that it was just for me. If he stays, then at least we will have had some separation already to make it not quite as difficult.

 

Good luck to you too.

[Never_Again]

Did the MM speak this way constantly? It would bug the hell out of me, especially since I had asked him not to, since it hurt too much to think about it. It was never, if I get divorced, I'd like to date you, it's always been - if I leave, we're getting married. Did anyone else go through this?

 

I'm divorced and have never really wanted to remarry until I met him. Then I knew that if he were to leave, I'd want to marry him, that he was the one. Even now he's still sending me emails about how much he thinks about how it will be WHEN we're together, how he wants to get married, how our kids will get along, how he can't wait, etc. He stops just short of promising me that it's going to happen. He's really forcing me into a corner here and I didn't want to have to be mean, but...he's really pushing it. It's only been a couple of days of NC so far. He keeps saying he knows what I'm doing and it's working but he didn't want to have to make an emotional decision like this out of desperation because I'm forcing him by NC. He says he'll keep telling me how things are going even if I don't respond because I know he really loves me and we were meant to be together.

 

My therapist only told me (after I let her read our email exchanges) to not act out of anger, that he is earnest about coming to a decision fairly soon, and that he really does love me and I should only do what I'm comfortable with.

 

Today has been soooooooo hard, to the point where I feel physically sick about not talking to him or seeing him.

 

Yep, mine spoke that way aaaallll the time. He also lied about being in the middle of a divorce, though. Not sure what, if any, of it was true. I'm guessing none.