Grad school ruining marriage

[1975ville]

Because I had children, and in spite of the hours, he was/is a good man.

 

He never crossed my proverbial line in the sand that I had--but believe me, I was waiting for him to do it.

 

I can see that I'm not giving you the advice that you need, so I am going to wish you the best with your situation.

 

So are you still married?

[Kasan]

So are you still married?

 

Yes--25+years

[1975ville]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I suppose I will call truce and continue to endure another semester of hatred, bitterness, insult, injury, anger, rage, no sex....all the while she holds her hand out for money for lunch with her friends.

 

Or I can wait for another phone call at 2am from her "study buddies" house telling me she can't drive home because she is drunk, covered in vomit, and passed out on the floor (true story).

 

Sure, I'll just swallow my pride when I fork out another FRICKEN HUGE CHECK for tuition for her school.

 

But I digress.

 

Truce seems to be a euphemism for taking a huge bite of crap sandwich.

 

No ma'am, I ain't ah enduring 9 years of this, believe you me miss.

[daisygirl]

Thanks for the advice.

 

I suppose I will call truce and continue to endure another semester of hatred, bitterness, insult, injury, anger, rage, no sex....all the while she holds her hand out for money for lunch with her friends.

 

Or I can wait for another phone call at 2am from her "study buddies" house telling me she can't drive home because she is drunk, covered in vomit, and passed out on the floor (true story).

 

Sure, I'll just swallow my pride when I fork out another FRICKEN HUGE CHECK for tuition for her school.

 

But I digress.

 

Truce seems to be a euphemism for taking a huge bite of crap sandwich.

 

No ma'am, I ain't ah enduring 9 years of this, believe you me miss.

 

I don't blame you for not wanting to be #3 anymore. I think it's ridiculous that she puts her "study buddy" above you. More power to anyone who could take it for 9 years, but I'm with you, I couldn't do it!

[sb129]

My resentment just started.

 

You try being 100% behind someone like I have, see how long you last.

 

Hey man you don't need to be so hostile towards me... I

said I can appreciate your wifes situation with regards to being financially dependent on someone, but I am behind you 100% for the rest of it.

 

Here is my post again because I don't think you read it properly.

 

Relevant points highlighted in bold/ underlined.

 

What "stress related" illness is it?

Kinda wierd esp seeing as she is probably studying all these illnesses- is it bona fide?

I am a health professional and I have always had time for BFs, even made time for a LDR during a year of a very very intensive specialist training programme that included 24hr shifts, nights and weekend work as well as exams. I was earning at the same time too.

 

I can kinda appreciate your Ws situation in the fact that she resents being dependent on you- I have always been ferociously independent, but this year my fiance and i are saving for a house so we are living off his income and saving mine. It means I have to ask him for money, which grates me sometimes, because I feel I need to justify it to him and I resent being dependent on anyone. But we have had a couple of fights about it and talked it through and things are OK now.

 

Its a little different to your situation, but I can see it from both sides- mainly yours.

Your W needs TIME OUT from studying otherwise she will burn out. Thats important for her personally as well as your marriage.

[Kasan]

Or I can wait for another phone call at 2am from her "study buddies" house telling me she can't drive home because she is drunk, covered in vomit, and passed out on the floor (true story).

 

Now this a whole different type of animal here. I wouldn't like this one bit, nor would I put up with this for 9 years, so I guess that I didn't really read your thread that well. I apologize.

 

Your anger is justified.

 

My husband wasn't doing this type of thing, he was working all the time, he wasn't home that much.

 

I was both parents to the kids for those 9 years and as awful as those 9 years were, I learned a lot about myself, really good stuff, but that's another thread.

 

I mentioned the proverbial line in the sand in a prior posting to you, maybe it's time for you to figure out where to draw the line, and let the chips fall where they may.

[1975ville]

In wanting to be 100%, that only happend 1 time. But still, it made me reconsider what exactly is going on over there.

 

She is a hard worker and I love her discipline but this is a betrayal.

[sumdude]

'75 ... somewhere someone (maybe Gunny) once posted a line like this

 

" If you give someone everything they want they may have nowhere to go but away."

 

Perhaps the thing to do is what you're already thinking about. Do stuff for yourself, live more for yourself. Get some distance, be a little mysterious, make her wonder what the hell you're up to for a change. Often once someone realizes they own you they lose respect for you. IOW grab your sack and get on with life. If you feel she's being abusive and you're taking too much crap... don't take it anymore. Detach from it all, disengage.

 

Don't be angry, be busy with yourself. Find things that make you happy in life. Stay true to yourself. Do not go for revenge or get back at her... especially in the romance department. That will only end badly.

 

She's out all the time, well what's stopping you? Take this time to do things for YOU. Whatever she's doing just be sorta nonchalant. Say OK and do your thing.

 

After all if right now it's all about her, make it all about you too.

 

The other side of the coin is... you may be meeting all of her needs and then some except for the ones she feels are important. Find the book "The Five Love Languages"... has some good advice.

 

As far as the buddy and all that... sounds a little sketchy but it could be that she feels free there... she may see you as clingy, needy or just too easy and not a challenge anymore.. who knows? Just remember you ain't her daddy... things may come around.

Edited March 11, 2008 by sumdude

[1975ville]

^^^^ very good advice, I'm gonna take it.

 

On a separate note, even after a long emotional conversation we had yesterday, I'm still not sure my wife understands her role in our marriage.

 

After we had a long discussion about her "study buddy", I felt I had made some progress. I felt like I had been very honest and also admitted some faults too.

 

Then yesterday at noon and she asked if I'd be home at the usual time, I said yes. She said she'd be home at the same time she was the day before.

 

Then, the appointed time roles by.

 

Then another 30 minutes.....nothing. No phone call, no text....nothing.

 

Then after 45 minutes I call her, no answer.

 

So I get in the car, and drive over to her "study buddy's" house and what do I see? Of course, her car in the driveway.

 

I ring the doorbell, smile and act like nothing is the matter. Her face said it all. She knew what she had done. We then drove home and when we got home she was angry, pissed and tried to blame me somehow.

 

Amazing.

 

Right after we had such a long conversation, right after I thought we made all those promises. I figured that at least the very next day she might be excited to see me, that she'd have a desire to see me.

But as usual, nothing. Again I am third after school and her buddy.

 

She did the same thing today. Fricking today!!!!!!!

 

She called me and said, I'm coming home, I'll be right over.........it has been almost 2 hours!

 

Where is she right now????? At her study buddy's house.

 

Yeah, I am checking out, shutting down, and doing my own thing.

The last post was great advice and I plan on taking it.

[sumdude]

Try to relax and enjoy your life. Don't let what she does get under your skin so much. Just remeber this isn't some sort of tit for tat retaliation. This is you finding a way to be happy regardless or her actions. Stay freindly but more distant. Don't call her all the time and check on her... let her be for now. See what happens..

[hotgurl]

I say cut her off. Tell her is she wants grad school and to hang out with her friends all the time and negelect her husband than she can pay for school herself.

[sb129]

I say cut her off. Tell her is she wants grad school and to hang out with her friends all the time and negelect her husband than she can pay for school herself.

 

I agree. She can't expect you to pay for everything and continue to treat you this way despite knowing your feelings.

 

You have tried the communication route, and it obviously didn't work.

 

She will continue to walk all over you unless you take some definitive action now. She will probably whine and moan that you aren't being supportive etc etc but enough is enough.

 

Many people can

-hold down a busy job(s)

-care for their children

-study

-see their family

-maintain their marriage or relationship

-maintain friendships/social lives/hobbies

 

simultaneously without the detriment of anything, its called LIFE and nearly every adult has to juggle at least two or three of the above things.

 

Your Ws "all or nothing" attitude isn't healthy- it will end up transferring to other things in her life if she doesn't watch out.

 

Sorry to hear about her lack of communication, that sucks.

[1975ville]

Thanks folks....my venting is over. I will provide updates for those who are interested.

 

thx

[1975ville]

Hey man you don't need to be so hostile towards me... I

said I can appreciate your wifes situation with regards to being financially dependent on someone, but I am behind you 100% for the rest of it.

 

Here is my post again because I don't think you read it properly.

 

Relevant points highlighted in bold/ underlined.

 

 

[/b]

 

sorry for the hostility. I appreciate your advice, you make a good point.

[1975ville]

Try to relax and enjoy your life. Don't let what she does get under your skin so much. Just remeber this isn't some sort of tit for tat retaliation. This is you finding a way to be happy regardless or her actions. Stay freindly but more distant. Don't call her all the time and check on her... let her be for now. See what happens..

 

I really appreciate you responses. Unfortunately, I don't call her all the time nor do I check up on her. Never have I ever driven over just and confronted her until a few days ago.

 

That is the thing, it has only been in the past month that I've tried to get closer to her. She had told me that she would need to be more independent because of school, so I've respected her. However, it has got to the point where she is always gone. So I decided to really take a step back and try to look at the situation. There have been some stretches where she is gone from 5am until 3am, other times she has spent the night over there.

 

This whole thing used to be a matter of me respecting her independence, being patient and trying to hold the house together while she is gone. However, now I've learned that she is gone physically and also mentally and emotionally. SHE IS ALWAYS GONE.I literally can't hold her attention with anything. She no longer remembers what I say or looks at me when I talk.

 

This is about a person who is having an emotional affair with another woman. It may be a stretch to consider it a form a infidelty but it smacks of disloyalty.

 

When my wife wokeup this morning, she crawled out a bed to let the dog out and grabbed her cell phone. I know she secretly called her "study buddy" to make sure she was up to start the day together. Then she drove over to car-pool together, then to sit in class together, then to eat lunch together, then to ride home together, then to talk at home over dinner togther, then to study together......

 

This is a classic case of resentment. She also feels "free" at her study buddies house. Maybe she doesn't want to be married? Maybe she doesn't know what marriage is?

 

Don't even get me started on the whole no sex situation. As a guy that is a horrible, horrible torture.

 

Ah, whatever........................I'm done complaining.

Edited March 13, 2008 by 1975ville

[sumdude]

Ok now the picture is much clearer... this is most definiltly a case of her taking advantage of you at this point. I'm starting to agree with a couple other posters. Enough is enough... At this point if I were you the divorce word would be coming out.. why the hell are you supporting someone who gives absolutely nothing in return? Even just her time and caring? Honestly start looking at the financials and how you can extricate yourself from this one sided marriage and I'm one who usually advocates trying to work it out. I sure hope any student loans are in her name only...

 

Tell her you've had enough, marriage counciling and an attempt to make this thing work for both of you or you're done. She must think you'll just keep going along with this arrangement indefiinitely or something.

 

Otherwise something is up at the buddies place with those kind of hours... what it is who knows... I wouldn't stand for it.