twice_shy Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 1) Yeah. I'm relieved. It's a weight off my shoulders - no doubt about it. 2) Neither. I'm just tired of lying. It's a drag. 3) I feel ok. I sipping a little red wine and getting ready for bed. She's still awake though - and fit to be tied. Go figure. Why don't you just get a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 It's not that I don't care what her reaction is - I'm no monster. But she's a little hysterical right now and so I reckon I'm going to have to wait a little before we can actually have a reasonable discussion about this.. a reasonable discussion? Which would include what? You telling her that you cheated and she needs to get over it? What would your idea of a reasonable discussion with someone you are betraying entail? Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Nothing will be accomplished. But at least the veil will have been lifted. They can shake their heads and wonder how I could be such a scoundrel. Especially to such a lovely and devopted wife. Ah who cares? Right there says it all. You don't care. I'd recommend you just get a divorce so she can find someone that does care. Link to post Share on other sites
angie2443 Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Right there says it all. You don't care. I'd recommend you just get a divorce so she can find someone that does care. This makes Scrivdog. You don't sound like your marriage material. This is not a bad thing. It is only bad to lead someone on when they first enter a relationship with you. Divorce your wife. Set her and yourself free to find people that better suit your respective needs and don't make the mistake of getting married again. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 I'm glad you told your wife. Balls are now in her court... Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Scriv - I'm really glad that you told your wife. I hope you can work it out with her and let the OW go. But, if it doesn't work out with your W, at least you have taken a step towards being honest about the whole deal. Good for you. Really. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 I'm glad you told your wife. Balls are now in her court... Let's just hope she doesn't squeeze them TOO tight. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Let's just hope she doesn't squeeze them TOO tight. He can take up singing, in a falsetto. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 LadyJane!? .. <sitting up, straightening up tie> I .. I didn't hear you come in! That's 'cause I was tip-toeing. A little birdie gave me some advice and I thought I'd give it a try. Ok seriously. Yeah maybe you're on to something. Ideally - sure I'd like her to express some desire to keep this together now that her assumptions have been shattered. Sure I'd like to see her making this clear with some good ole red-blooded female passion rather than with a calculator and a spreadsheet. I don't have that expectation in any way shape or form. Shortly I'll know what she's really worried about. If she's all worried about the finances, I'll put those worries to rest. If we get lawyers, they'll both be bored. No matter what any attorney thinks they'll get out of me - I'll be giving her more. She won't have to worry about her finances ever. So with that out of the way - she can make a purely (almost) emotional decision without regards to her lifestyle. You've been around here long enough to know that it takes some time for a BS to absorb the information, Scriv. I don't think you can necessarily trust her initial reaction. We've seen them run the gamut around here. You know, I saw an attorney within 2 hours of getting the goods, and bear in mind, he hadn't even managed to get his pants down, so you've got a good bit more to answer for in your situation. But I didn't ask for a divorce. I demanded one. I just told him how the heck this thing was going to go down and he could like it or lump it for all I cared at the time. We had angels on our shoulders that day I guess, because I backed off that position within a couple of hours. But it was still several weeks before I saw my own culpability with any kind of clarity. And all the while, my friends and family members were whispering in my ear about how it was all his fault and how I was wrong to be so hard on myself, all of which made it doubly hard to know if I was thinking clearly. Give it some time. Let the dust settle before either of you make any decisions. Who knows?... give it a couple of weeks and she might end being "red-blooded" enough to show you the business end of a frying pan. ...Or maybe "passionate" enough to quietly accept some eternal truths. It's way too early to say. I like the OW. She's awfully nice to me. She makes me happy when I see her and talk to her. But if my wife actually thinks she wants to keep it together with the both of us, I'll drop the OW - but I'm not going to do this on a whim. There are always other women, hon. Women like that one are a dime a dozen. But you've only got one wife and family. You KNOW that it's impossible to negotiate through this mess with any kind of mental clarity while OW's on the scene. Her presence will keep your wife stirred up and in a tizzy, and it'll keep you in a state of inner conflict. My advice to you... kick her to the curb, and do it NOW while it's particularly meaningful. Easy come, easy go. You'll find a better one later on down the pike if needs must, one you can have "the whole package" with if it comes to that. For right now though, you're angry with your wife, and you've been angry for a long time. But don't punish YOURSELF with that anger by snipping of your nose to spite your face. For your own sake, and for the sake of your family... breathe a little bit. Create some space in which to work this thing from every angle. You told her for a reason... and the reason had NOTHING to do with OW. If this was about the OW, you'd have just kept banging her on the side or maybe even slid on out the back door of the marriage with none the wiser. This is about your wife. And you're cheating yourself if you allow your own stubbornness to prevent you from exploring whatever possibilities you might have with her. You were a bad, bad boy, Scriv. But not so bad that you don't deserve the opportunity to be safe and loved within your own family. Don't rob yourself of that chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Jackson2008 Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 How long have you been cheating and whom are you cheating with? Did you reveal her identity to your wife? How come your wife never got suspicious? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 Great advice as always, LJ! Nice to see you again, friend! Link to post Share on other sites
abeliever Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 SD- You know all along I really didn't think I liked you. I guess I didn't get you by just the things you have said. But always liked your warped humour even tho sometimes I didn't agree with it. That being said... I do feel sorry for your wife. I am BS so d-mit I can't help it! But I also see that side where you are in HOPE this will make a difference for her to make a change. Sometimes little things can make that same change without the A being the cause. Not knowing your FULL story, have you done other things to wake up W, I mean before this DRASTIC thing??? You had said several times to me about my H- did I hold sex from my H and was that the reason he had A's? I always answered you "NO", but never really got a response back??? I do know that is a form of punishment that WILL not always but sometimes drive your man into another woman's arms. But in my case that wasn't the reason. My H had an ED problem and thought it was my fault but when he couldn't perform and OW laughed at him about it he soon found out I was not his ED problem. Anyway, I am glad you came clean. For BS sake - only fair she knows. But for you too. No more lying and hopefully putting it out there can finally be dealt with. Be careful for what you wish for sometimes it really isn't what you want in the end. Best of Luck, to BOTH of you! abeliever Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted March 10, 2008 Share Posted March 10, 2008 She rolled her eyes and said "Maybe you should get a girlfriend, then". To which I replied, "Oh that. Yeah - I already have one." For a minute she thought I was just being funny, then her jaw dropped. Needless to say, things are a little more surrealistic around the home right now. Congrats Scriv! I take this to mean your tired of the status quo and you want to kick your wife into motion! If her instant reaction is positive for your marriage... lock that down! Otherwise let it play out a bit and stay your current course. If she chooses to leave you, don't let guilt stop you from going for lots of visitation! Time with the kids is worth more than money. Bravo! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 To the poster: How would you feel if your wife cheated on you? I'm assuming that she hasn't! What could justify you exposing her to an STD/s? Link to post Share on other sites
smartgirl Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 Scriv, I have read your posts from time to time and so this comes as a shocker -- in a way. You have seemed somewhat emotionally detached and frankly, arrogant, in your defense of what you were doing. I think the fact that you told you wife in the way that you did reflects a deeper level of emotional exhaustion and desire for change - not to continue justifying the status quo. Your wife has a lot of emotional territory to cover. I hope you will help her. From my experience as a BS, it will best for you both if you are honest, open, tell her everything she asks about and please be kind, just not vague. As you talk with your wife, I have a feeling things will become clearer for you as well. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 I'm glad you told her, but did you really have to do it the way you did? Anyway, what's done is done. Just make sure if she wants to work things out that you are 100% in, because if you aren't it just won't work. Link to post Share on other sites
SoHotZanzibar Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 Do you have an update Scirv? Maybe just a post so we know you are still alive and she didn't kill ya? And how is the OW taking it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scrivdog Posted March 11, 2008 Author Share Posted March 11, 2008 That's 'cause I was tip-toeing. A little birdie gave me some advice and I thought I'd give it a try. Good to see you listen to the birds..! You've been around here long enough to know that it takes some time for a BS to absorb the information, Scriv. I don't think you can necessarily trust her initial reaction. We've seen them run the gamut around here. No doubt about it. I'm completely passive in this right now. She calls the shots. I'm not fighting her on anything. I'm an open book - she ask me anything she wants to ask me about. You know, I saw an attorney within 2 hours of getting the goods, and bear in mind, he hadn't even managed to get his pants down, so you've got a good bit more to answer for in your situation. But I didn't ask for a divorce. I demanded one. I just told him how the heck this thing was going to go down and he could like it or lump it for all I cared at the time. My W is not really that impulsive. Even in times like this. I know she'll spend plenty of time weighing her options. And if she does decide she wants the divorce - I'll make everything as nice and easy for her as I can. I happen to know that she's terrified of divorce - but I'm not sure exactly why. Like I said, I'll make sure she won't have to go to work to support herself ever - so she shouldn't feel financially insecure. We had angels on our shoulders that day I guess, because I backed off that position within a couple of hours. But it was still several weeks before I saw my own culpability with any kind of clarity. And all the while, my friends and family members were whispering in my ear about how it was all his fault and how I was wrong to be so hard on myself, all of which made it doubly hard to know if I was thinking clearly. I don't know if there's an issue of culpability per se here. I mean I don't really want to get into who is at fault and who isn't. That changes nothing. She can blame me , I can blame her, and her our friends will blame whoever's story they like the least - and so what? We are where we are. Now the issue is - do we want to change anything and if so - what? But like you correctly pointed out - it'll be a long while before this can really be discussed without the confusion of that comes from dismantling a facade and unveiling some harsh reality like this one. Give it some time. Let the dust settle before either of you make any decisions. Who knows?... give it a couple of weeks and she might end being "red-blooded" enough to show you the business end of a frying pan. ...Or maybe "passionate" enough to quietly accept some eternal truths. It's way too early to say. The frying pan would be a good sign. I'd actually be proud of her. She decides this one. There are always other women, hon. Women like that one are a dime a dozen. But you've only got one wife and family. You KNOW that it's impossible to negotiate through this mess with any kind of mental clarity while OW's on the scene. Her presence will keep your wife stirred up and in a tizzy, and it'll keep you in a state of inner conflict. My advice to you... kick her to the curb, and do it NOW while it's particularly meaningful. Easy come, easy go. You'll find a better one later on down the pike if needs must, one you can have "the whole package" with if it comes to that. Of course - you're right, LJ. I see OW once every 3-4 weeks as I travel out of state that often for business for a week at a time. I don't need to dump anybody that doesn't deserved to be dumped. At least not yet. If W asks me to dump her because she'd like us to start something - then sure. But if she wants me to dump her out of spite - then I'd have to think about it. For right now though, you're angry with your wife, and you've been angry for a long time. But don't punish YOURSELF with that anger by snipping of your nose to spite your face. For your own sake, and for the sake of your family... breathe a little bit. Create some space in which to work this thing from every angle. I'm of course a little on edge - but I'm not as stressed as one might think. I'm very much in a "let the chips fall where they may" mode right now. You told her for a reason... and the reason had NOTHING to do with OW. If this was about the OW, you'd have just kept banging her on the side or maybe even slid on out the back door of the marriage with none the wiser. This is about your wife. And you're cheating yourself if you allow your own stubbornness to prevent you from exploring whatever possibilities you might have with her. Right again - ! I stirred the pot and I want to see if anything of value comes to the surface. Because the current situation was just not working. You were a bad, bad boy, Scriv. But not so bad that you don't deserve the opportunity to be safe and loved within your own family. Don't rob yourself of that chance. I'm not bad. Neither is W or even OW. Again - I'm not going to assign blame to W or even to myself. Blame is not going to help any. At this point I just want to have the opportunity to hear the answer to the question which is "What do you want to do now?" And thanks again LJ - Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scrivdog Posted March 11, 2008 Author Share Posted March 11, 2008 To the poster: How would you feel if your wife cheated on you? I'm assuming that she hasn't! What could justify you exposing her to an STD/s? I don't take her to eat sushi? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scrivdog Posted March 11, 2008 Author Share Posted March 11, 2008 She might turn into what he wants and then again she might grow some balls herself and find a man. Yeah she needs to find one of those men some of you ladies talk about that never want to sex up their wives. That may be the ticket for both of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 (edited) Balls are now in her court... Ah, I see others beat me to it... Mr. Lucky Edited March 11, 2008 by Mr. Lucky Content Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 How long have you been cheating and whom are you cheating with? Did you reveal her identity to your wife? How come your wife never got suspicious? Jackson, as a new poster here it may behove you to try finding some of the older posts by the OP rather than jumping in with the questions that have already been answered just a thought Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 Scriv, I have read your posts from time to time and so this comes as a shocker -- in a way. You have seemed somewhat emotionally detached and frankly, arrogant, in your defense of what you were doing. SG I'm not sure unrepentant equates with arrogant. There was no gloating, no rubbing of her face in it, no blame - just a calm statement and emotional equanimity. Scriv I hope things are clarifying, slowly? Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 It comes across more as apathetic disconnect to me, like Scriv has just shut down Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted March 11, 2008 Share Posted March 11, 2008 I don't understand how cheating is going to make a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, suddenly want to have sex with you. I'm just thinking about it and I'm wondering how this approach would ever work. For all the reasons I read on here about why one partner just loses interest in physical intimacy - how can this happening help the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
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