Shindig Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 To my friends, my boyfriend is an entry level drugstore employee, a college dropout, and the guy who is three hours late about half the time when I invite him to spend time with MY friends. He knows they think he's beneath me. He avoids them, understandably. Even so, I'm hurt when he agrees to join in and then shows up at the very last minute. I end up being in such a bad mood that he doesn't want to be with me either. Ironically this is a self-reinforcing and self-defeating cycle. 1. I feel hurt that he is late and/or didn't call. 2. He anticipates my grumpiness. 3. He takes longer to show up since he doesn't care to arrive to a cranky girlfriend. 4. Return to step 1. I'm not sure what to do about it. My friends are pushing me to break up with him. It is plausible that my friends see something I don't, but they only hear about our relationship when I vent and see how upset I get when he doesn't show or call. I like him, the Freudian tardiness aside. His proverbial pedigree is inconsequential to me. We have fun together. I'm just trying to construct a solution without destroying my friendships or my fledgeling relationship.
SoStupid Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 First of all you are not with this guy to make your friends happy!!! If he knows you get upset when he is late or didn't call to let you know he was going to be late, why is he disgarding your feelings? I think you might need to talk to him about this! Do you see a future with this guy? If you do then look at the bigger picture. I know sometimes your friends hear one story(yours), and only about your fighting. so mostly they go on all of the bad not seeing the good points to him. If there your friends they will stick by through the bad, good and the ugly! Good luck i know its not easy to have your friends not liking your boyfriend. Sometimes they might see what you dont!
4givrnt4gtr Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 ughh totally understand. My friends used to like my bf, but then I started venting with them about the things that irritate me about him (and ofcourse, never bragged about how much he cares). Now they totally dislike him and when i try to remedy by telling them about the good things...well they just say im rationalizing.... ANYHOW...this is what im gonna do about the situation...maybe it'll help u too. Im going to avoid venting with them. U gotta understand they want the best for you...and if all they hear is how late he always is...and how mad that makes u, well they are gonna think he is quite a jerk. Next time, come on over to LS...we love to hear complaining and we mostly have an objective view of things...unmuddied by a friendship. Now, the whole thing with being late, you need to talk to him. Let him know how much it bothers you. What ive learned about relationships is that talking clearly and to the point will ALWAYS make things better...ALWAYS
SoHotZanzibar Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Normally I wouldn't consider your friends having impact on who you are dating, but i think they may simply just care about you. When he is late or doesn't call, thats being inconsiderate. And the fact he continues to do so is a sign of disrespect. Plus, he doesn't care if you are grumpy? That tells me he doesn't care about your feelings. If my friends were with someone that disrespected them, I might say something too. After all, friends should look out for each other, even when its difficult to do so. Did I interpret anything wrong here?
norajane Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 He knows they think he's beneath me. He avoids them, understandably. If your friends saw that he was making you happy, they wouldn't care what he does or how much education he does or doesn't have. Your bf could stand to learn that lesson. If he wants them to think better of him, he should make more effort to treat you better.
Kamille Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 I'm going to go against the tide a little bit and say that you should tell your friends that you choose to be with your boyfriend because he makes you happy (loves you, cares for you, whatever the reason is) and ask them to respect that. And next time the two of you have something planned with your friends, why not show up with together? It takes some of the pressure off of him, and that way you don't get anxious because he is late.
Replicant Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 Regardless of the path in life your boyfriend wants to take, if you are happy with him and things are cool. I see no problem. Other than that, your boyfriend needs a serious dose of self confidence regardless of where life is taking him. Just in the sense to be respectful enough to show up for you, and tolerate your friends or even better have the balls to prove them wrong. By not showing up it's not respecting you, and just making him a target reinforcing what they already say.
Phateless Posted March 9, 2008 Posted March 9, 2008 If he really is a drugstore employee and a college dropout, why are you with him? What are his redeeming qualities that your friends aren't seeing?
Author Shindig Posted March 9, 2008 Author Posted March 9, 2008 (edited) We have a lot of common interests: both of us like to shoot pool, kayak, go fishing, free diving, biking, and such. We like similar bar scenes and food. We rarely run out of things to talk about and even when there's a lull we land on cars, motorcycles, and people watching. Most importantly, he makes me laugh, he's good at cheering me up, and he's really honest with me. My girlfriends prefer to go shopping, watch Sex and the City, etc., go clubbing, and eat out. I enjoy these things too but they're not quite in my SO's repertiore or budget. Edited March 9, 2008 by Shindig
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