What would you do guys?

[1_More_chance]

Hi all,

 

I have a very tough situation that I'd like to hear from everyone. This is serious, please only provide opinions based on what you personally would do if you were in my shoe. I know it's up to me to make my own decision, but I just want to know what would you do?

 

I am 24 and I've been going out with ex since I was 16. We broke up a month ago. She was only 13 when we met. We were high school lovers, and have talked about engagement and marriage. She has been a VERY good girlfriend to me from day one. She supported me through family, financial, academic issues and everything you can think a great person would do. I however, have always loved girls. She was my 9th girlfriend before we met. I was a very popular kid in school, lots of attention and have broken many hearts back in high school. I have talked and had relationships from almost every girl in town but decided to keep 1 girl. And that was my ex.

 

My problem is people, is I'm a player. My ex have always known I was, but she gave me a chance when she was 16 going into a relationship after knowing she was my 9th. She also put up with so much of my lies, my crap, my excuses and me being late! She believed in me, and even when she heard rumors she believed ME. She trusted me with her heart and just recently I have cursed our relationship. While she was in Australia for study abroad, I have talked to 2 girls, within the course of 4 months. 1 was a very hot Filipino/white female. I met her at the club and we started talking from there. We made out a couple times but we never had sex. She wanted me to leave my girlfriend for her if we were to have sex and I said no. 2nd was another blond girl (no names sorry) from out of town, she came to a party I hosted at a local restaurant and it went on from there. It went from talking, to seeing each other, she was lying to her boyfriend and I was lying to my girlfriend. I ended this secret relationship because I no longer wanted to be her friend because it was getting too deep.

 

My Ex found out from rumors, and you know people spread rumors. She knew about us back in August but I lied to her, and when she got the information from credible sources, she confronted me again last month all teary eyed. I told her the truth, but not the whole truth. I told her I cheated on her, but I never had sex with her. She was so hurt she didn't know what to do. She was confused, she wanted it to be a dream, she wanted it to just be a rumor and lies. That was when my heart melted and I wanted to cry. She is REALLY embarrassed right now, ashamed and feels STUPID still talking to me. Her sister hates her for still talking to me, and she hates me for what I've done.

 

It has been 4 weeks now, we are still talking and things seem to be better and it seems as if she is getting better and learning to forgive me. Last week my bestfriend calls me and told me he was the one who told her EVERYTHING. He said, he felt bad for her because she was a good girlfriend to me and she did not deserve it. We're no longer friends believe me, but I'll have to deal with him because he is my ex, sisters boyfriend.

 

Now, just 2 days ago i found out this entire time my ex knew about this other Filipino girl and knew I had sex with the other blonde girl from word of mouth, but how come she never told me she knew the last 4 weeks we broke up? why is she hiding it from me? it seems as if she is waiting for me to tell her. I think she is unsure if it's true. I told her I exaggerated to my bestfriend, and that I never had sex and the filipino girl was just a friend, just like all my other friends that are girls. Is she avoiding confrontation? is she afraid that I will feel so bad that I myself would leave her? or is she just waiting for me to tell her the truth.

 

Now my question is, should I tell her the truth and beg for forgiveness or should I continue making up stories. Now the stories I tell her is very convincing, she believes me some what. Which is why we're still talking, going out to the movies, making out and seeing each other. She told me she knows, but she wants me to tell her the TRUTH of what I said to my bestfriend. I keep telling her I don't remember. Should I just say I exaggerated to my best friend? or should I tell her EVERYTHING, the sex, the partying, the girls?

 

I want to keep her, and I want to make it up and start brand new. But I have a feeling this is it for me and her. And I have a feeling she is really leaving me this time. I have a hard time letting her go because she is so hot, and the things we have done sexually, I rather not talk about it. but now I can't picture another dood with my girl, and I can't picture me with another girl.

 

What do I do? should I confess? or should I continue lying and hopefully she'll forget about this and I can start brand new for myself and learned from my mistake without telling her the truth. I swear I'm a changed man, and I swear I will never do anything to hurt her again. So should I change and not tell her the truth? or should I tell her the truth and change, but risk losing her? I feel like she has given me chances to tell the truth but I still lied, please let me know your thoughts.

[SoStupid]

Well First off thinking she is going to FORGET about it, I wouldn't hold your breath on that one.

 

Like you said You cant see her with anyone else, Chances are she cant see you with anyone else.

 

Obviously you can see yourself with someone else- If you didn't, you would have cheated!

 

I am curious to know, If Cheating on her bothered you? I mean, If she didn't find out would you have told her about these 2 girls?

If i was wearing your shoes, I would come out and tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, I know you may love her, but you have to think of her feelings, if you really truely love her, You did it You have to face the truth. believe ME you will feel alot better when you get it out.

 

From what you said you feel as if she already knows about one of the girls, the sex and everything. Chances are.... SHE KNOWS.. The reason i think she isn't saying anything is because she doesn't want to believe it..

 

Also remember in making your decision that the truth always Pervails. Whether it makes or breaks the relationship, You might have a chance if you come out and tell her, If you dont her finding out on her own terms will be a complete disaster.

 

Goodluck to you!

[1_More_chance]

Thank you ^. You sound like my girlfriend, I'm afraid now, especially with only 8 post .

 

No, you're right though. I should tell her the truth. I just feel as if, she kind of don't want me to tell her the truth, and at the same time she does. She's afraid that if I tell her the truth, things might get worse for both of us, and she rather keep quiet for now, and see if I have changed.

 

She would rather not know the truth and take this new change of me and move on and hope I change permanently not just because of what happened. She rather be with me not knowing whether or not it's the truth (no one knows the truth but me), than being with me STILL after I have told her the truth. No one knows the truth, but if word goes around that she took me back after what I have done, she'd be humiliated and embarrassed and feel like a low life. But if no one really knows the truth, then this prevents that. You see what I'm getting at?

 

She keeps mentioning that if I ask something in the "future" don't lie. If this is true, then should I play along with her until she ask? is she hinting me that lets not talk about this anymore because it's ruining what we currently have (getting back with each other and making up). Somehow I feel this is haunting her and it just makes her bring it back up.

 

But maybe your right "sostupid", maybe I should just be a man and tell her EVERYTHING and stop waiting for her to make a move. Maybe I just have to stop being so selfish, and the only way to start brand new is to leave the past behind by emptying out the trash. Thank you, your input helps me because I HAVE thought the same. It just is not easy...it really isn't.

 

Anymore suggestions, I would appreciate it very much.

[crazieshnurple]

If you don't tell her the truth you will NEVER have a happy relationship

[1_More_chance]

thank you ^. The only thing with me is that, when I cheated on her. The other girls were just nothing to me. They were like toys, sex and that's it. Nothing more. Which is why I did not feel anything. Which is why this is now all coming back to me. My greed and selfishness. My uncaring personality has gotten the best of me. I'm just trying to cure all of this.

 

And "sostupid" is correct, I WOULDN't have told her if this didn't happen. I can still sleep at night like a baby if I had sex with another girl. This would not have bothered me one bit. Now that I know she is suffering, it does. And I can't live with that.

 

Now that I know she is slipping away, my precious girlfriend that is beautiful, loyal, supported me through my hard times, my career, my job, money, life, is now slipping away. I now REALIZE how much she means to me, and how much I need her, and all these girls, partying, and that, I can throw it away in a heart beat.

[Ebeleptik38]

It's too bad its taken you this long to realize your actions to know how much she means to you. Obviously she didn't mean enough if you cheated on her multiple times after being together for so long. Being a player doesn't excuse your actions as a person especially for someone to put so much trust in you, and give you the benefit of the doubt for so long.

 

The women you have slept with that mean nothing to you, mean EVERYTHING to her. There's no way with how much trust she had in you that she was going to beat the truth out of you, especially when your your answers are so skewed - that's on you to tell her no matter how much it's going to hurt her...you are responsible for your own actions (I'm sure you know that now). I'd think that your only going to make things worse if she has already called you out, and you still deny- especially with how much word of mouth has been going around.

 

I remember when I found out that one of my best friends was being cheated on with his GF, and no matter how naive my friend was, whether he wanted to believe it or not, despite the fact that ALL his friends we're confronting him about it - rumors that circulate from credible sources don't just come out of thin air, I'm sure she is or was just waiting to hear it from you. If she never does she's not going to know what to believe, and if it's gotten this bad now it seems that either way she's going to be making her decision. Don't mean to be harsh, but she would be a moron to stay with you. Man up and if you really want to be forgiven, then tell her what she needs to know, at least she'll still have some respect knowing that you did tell her the truth...at one point. Good luck. Maybe try staying monogamous for once and next time you'll save yourself a headache, and manage to have a healthy relationship.

[shanny]

This post really hit me because it reminded me of my bf. He's done so many bad things to me but I stay with him because I am so digustingly in love with him... so bad I'd almost rather be lied to and be with him then be without him... but deep down I know I should move on and find someone who will treat me right... You swear you're a changed man huh? Honestly, if you loved her so much you wouldn't have cheated. And you said the big reason you want to stay with her is because she's so hot and all of the things you've done sexually? What about her personality? What about her inner beauty?

 

I know this is harsh, but it really struck a cord with me. You should leave her so she can find someone who respects her. She'll be heart broken but it's the best for her in the long run. With the amount of love and respect she's given you, she just doesn't deserve this. Sorry.

[CaterpillarGirl]

If you slept with another girl she needs to know. And you both need to be tested for STDs. Think of her health if you love her so much!

[NuTuDating]

Grow up? Stop lying and cheating? What do you want to hear?

[xpaperxcutx]

Your actions say you shouldn't be in a committed relationship. Either you have a committment problem or not, do you realize how selfish and inconsiderate you are to your gf? I sympathasize girls like her, having the time and patience to even try to put up with guys like you. You don't deserve her so why can't you just let her receive the happiness she so deserves? Your post on here seems to me was just a way for you to justify your cheating. I wonder if you had reread your post? Why would you think that whatever it is you do now will ever help you regain the trust of your gf? She's done.

[1_More_chance]

It's too bad its taken you this long to realize your actions to know how much she means to you. Obviously she didn't mean enough if you cheated on her multiple times after being together for so long. Being a player doesn't excuse your actions as a person especially for someone to put so much trust in you, and give you the benefit of the doubt for so long.

 

The women you have slept with that mean nothing to you, mean EVERYTHING to her. There's no way with how much trust she had in you that she was going to beat the truth out of you, especially when your your answers are so skewed - that's on you to tell her no matter how much it's going to hurt her...you are responsible for your own actions (I'm sure you know that now). I'd think that your only going to make things worse if she has already called you out, and you still deny- especially with how much word of mouth has been going around.

 

I don't know why it has taken me so long to realize how much she meant to me. I know I just simply took her for granted.

 

When my ex prior to her broke my heart, I learned to not give in to any girl. For some reason, I could not move on from being defensive, and being insecure. I consistently play hard to get when we first met, all the way until about 2-3 years back. I always had this revengeful type attitude, if she does something I'll do it too. I'm an insecure guy, and even though she NEVER did anything wrong, I still was being unfair to her. And I realize that, and always have. But just couldn't let go.

[SoStupid]

Hopefully you really change for your sake, Honestly you will be unhappy the rest of your life, remembering the one you let get away(because of your stupidity)! You have to look at it like this- If you have been with her for so long and she has looked over all of this for so long, whether it MAKES OR BREAKS the relationship you must do it for her, Not you!!! This isn't about YOU anymore!!!!!! This Is about HER! You made the Bed! You must lie in it.... Comfortable Or NOT..

 

I hope some of this helps, I somewhat have been in your shoes myself!

It is so hard to tell the truth after denying the truth for so long... But you can and should!

 

If you had put the energy into your relationship instead of putting it in to Nothing, You would have a awesome relationship. Dont look for quick ego boosters! ITS SO NOT WORTH THE PAIN!

 

Good Luck!

[D-Lish]

Some aspects of a sociopathic disorder:

Any of these fit with you at all?

 

Pathological Lying

Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities.

 

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt

Does not see others around her as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way

 

Shallow Emotions

When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises

 

Incapacity for Love

While they talk about "love" they is unable to give or receive it.

 

Living on the edge, yet testing the gullibility of their "clientele"

Edited March 7, 2008 by D-Lish

[1_More_chance]

Your actions say you shouldn't be in a committed relationship. Either you have a committment problem or not, do you realize how selfish and inconsiderate you are to your gf? I sympathasize girls like her, having the time and patience to even try to put up with guys like you. You don't deserve her so why can't you just let her receive the happiness she so deserves? Your post on here seems to me was just a way for you to justify your cheating. I wonder if you had reread your post? Why would you think that whatever it is you do now will ever help you regain the trust of your gf? She's done.

 

I understand from a female's point of view, this is digraceful and disgusting. Trust me, I understand.

 

In no way am I trying to justify my actions for cheating on her. But you have to understand that I'm a guy. And MOST guys cheat, sorry I should change most to ALL. When given an opportunity, they will cheat if they have a penis. The male sex drive is crazy, either that or I'm just a horny bastard. Now, the question is when and how they will change is a different matter of it's own.

 

But as I said, in no way am I brushing this off, because it is clear to me I did wrong, it is clear that it was I who was "selfish" and "greedy". I love her yes, but at the same time I wanted more. I wasn't quite ready to settle down, I wasn't ready to be committed though she has been from day one. Now I have to see what I need to do to move on from this.

 

I have asked my friends and I know the answer is silly. They say what every guy probably would. Yeah you did wrong, but guys cheat all the time, it doesn't mean anything, it might even help your relationship and make things stronger. This is my main reason I came to this forum, I rather have a more educated post from many perspective.

 

It's just not easy, snitching on yourself, and it's just not easy to look in her eyes and see how hurt she'll be.

 

It's not easy for her to leave me, because she loves me. She only knows me of ME and who she thought I was. Her dream man, now that dream man is a nothing but a fairy tale. Reality is just hitting her hard and as much as I can't see her with anyone else, she probably feel the same way. Which is why we're still talking, etc. I am a good person, I love being in relationships, I just also love being single. And like I've said, it all boils down to selfishness and greed. I just need to learn how to pass booty even though it can be tempting that's what it is.

Edited March 7, 2008 by 1_More_chance

[1_More_chance]

Hopefully you really change for your sake, Honestly you will be unhappy the rest of your life, remembering the one you let get away(because of your stupidity)! You have to look at it like this- If you have been with her for so long and she has looked over all of this for so long, whether it MAKES OR BREAKS the relationship you must do it for her, Not you!!! This isn't about YOU anymore!!!!!! This Is about HER! You made the Bed! You must lie in it.... Comfortable Or NOT..

 

I hope some of this helps, I somewhat have been in your shoes myself!

It is so hard to tell the truth after denying the truth for so long... But you can and should!

 

If you had put the energy into your relationship instead of putting it in to Nothing, You would have a awesome relationship. Dont look for quick ego boosters! ITS SO NOT WORTH THE PAIN!

 

Good Luck!

You are right my friend. You feel me most, and I think you HAVE been through this because you hit the target everytime. It is NOT about me anymore, it is not whether or not I'm afraid to lose her, it is being true to her for once and stop lying. I will make my decision maybe tonight, and will confront her tomorrow.

[Max Overclock]

I stay with him because I am so disgustingly in love with him... so bad I'd almost rather be lied to and be with him then be without him... but deep down I know I should move on and find someone who will treat me right

 

Shanny, I have to ask you a few questions regarding this perspective. I guess I find the idea you mention above so interesting with respect to this poster's problem ... and that of another poster from another thread the other day, actually.

 

From what you've stated, you know that you should leave, that your BF has done things that have not been kind to you. However, you are so disgustingly in love with him that you almost would rather be lied to regarding the problems.

 

I actually think you've touched on something that is not only referred to by 1_More_chance (in reference to his GF's likely knowing but not wanting to admit she knows about his infidelity), but has been noted in other posts on the board before.

 

What makes a woman feel this way? What makes her (such as is likely the case with this poster's girlfriend) want to ignore or look past a current crisis in her relationship?

 

If she's been cheated on, the relationship is possibly irreparably damaged trust-wise, she is exposed (by staying with him) to criticism from others and she could possibly even be exposed to STD's if she continues her physical relationship with him in the meantime. How does a woman "look past" this stuff?

 

Clearly, from what the OP has also said, it appears to happen more often than one might realize

 

As a guy, I guess I'm just trying to understand the idea.

 

Max

[1_More_chance]

Some aspects of a sociopathic disorder:

 

Any of these fit with you at all?

 

 

This shows you how much you really understand "men".

[Ebeleptik38]

This shows you how much you really understand "men".

 

Most guys huh....?

 

I guess I'm not most guys...because when it comes to anyone who I am dating or in a relationship with, I am 100% monogamous - and if I felt like I was starting to take interest in someone else I would have the balls to break it off before I started anything with the new person. I take chances and put my feelings on the line, making me vulnerable and most of the time I get hurt. But that's life and I live and learn. I have never had it in myself to just carelessly throw myself around to whomever I please.

Edited March 7, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Inappropriate Comments Removed

[D-Lish]

I don't think all guys are like that at all.

 

I only pointed out the socio-pathic tendencies present in OP's description of things. Mostly that he can cheat and go to sleep at night with no remorse or guilt whatsoever..... and only got upset over being caught, not what he's done to his gf.

Edited March 7, 2008 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Reference to Inappropriate Comment Removed

[1_More_chance]

I don't think all guys are like that at all.

 

I only pointed out the socio-pathic tendencies present in OP's description of things. Mostly that he can cheat and go to sleep at night with no remorse or guilt whatsoever..... and only got upset over being caught, not what he's done to his gf.

You can compare a physco to about anything anyone does wrong. I can steal 500 bucks from a bank IF I believe stealing was OK. Does that make me a physco? no, it makes me a theif.

 

A guy can sleep at night knowing he slept with another girl IF that guy believes cheating is ok. Does that make me a physco? no. It makes me a cheater.

 

As I was saying, your a female, your against it. I know, and most females would be when a topic like this comes about. So I understand how you'd feel. But your also not any better than me, when you tell an entire forum what a retard your ex were for choosing a path in life he loved . You just don't do that....(in my oppinion). But what am I to say what's right and what's wrong? I've always been wrong...

[Angels&Airwaves]

You can compare a physco to about anything anyone does wrong. I can steal 500 bucks from a bank IF I believe stealing was OK. Does that make me a physco? no, it makes me a theif.

 

A guy can sleep at night knowing he slept with another girl IF that guy believes cheating is ok. Does that make me a physco? no. It makes me a cheater.

 

As I was saying, your a female, your against it. I know, and most females would be when a topic like this comes about. So I understand how you'd feel. But your also not any better than me, when you tell an entire forum what a retard your ex were for choosing a path in life he loved . You just don't do that....(in my oppinion). But what am I to say what's right and what's wrong? I've always been wrong...

 

You’re creating a scenario where by you place yourself as the victim, you posted on here that you have cheated on your girlfriend and would be more than comfortable lying to her face, to prevent the relationship eroding away. You can’t expect a great deal of sympathy from people and you must learn to accept that there will be people who will get infuriated by your attitude.

 

Personally I’m not sure whether to believe you love her as much as you claim, as you have cheated on her a few times and have kept it from her. I understand that a relationship is the like the sea, unpredictable and occurrences such as affairs can be born out of the tides of emotion, and unhappiness in a relationship, but can you honestly deny that apart of you hid the truth from her to save your own skin? And do you regret not being honest and truthful to her? Do you respect her enough? I don't believe you do.

 

I don’t doubt that you love her, but to what degree? After all you have been together for a very long time, perhaps your love for her has evaporated somewhat and apart of you is afraid of being alone and single, so you cling to what you have? Usually when a person in a long term relationship cheats, it’s down to unhappiness, discontent and routine. For what it’s worth, I don’t believe you are a player, because if you were you wouldn’t be sat at your computer asking strangers for advice on how to keep your girlfriend from walking away from you.

 

All I can suggest is that you be as straightforward, honest and remorseful to her as possible and then if she accepts you have made a mistake and takes you back, you win her trust and love back by being as committed and loving to her as she has been to you, good luck, comrade.

[shadowofman]

Seems that if you want to be completely honest with her, you need to tell her that you are sorry for cheating, but that you are not sorry for your promiscuousness. If that is your nature, then she needs to decide whether or not to be with a promiscuously oriented man. I know that is the hardest choice you have, but it is the moral choice. It will most likely mean that she will leave you and hopes of finding a real monogamous man. I say good luck to her on that. That task can't be easy either.

 

You may be giving up love in this instance, but you will almost certainly find love again. This next time, maybe you'll find a girl that likes sex with other girls as much as you.

[mscaprine]

You can compare a physco to about anything anyone does wrong. I can steal 500 bucks from a bank IF I believe stealing was OK.

This is not the same thing. Cheating involves an emotional betrayal, perhaps with guilt....or not. Stealing from a bank is faceless.

A guy can sleep at night knowing he slept with another girl IF that guy believes cheating is ok. Does that make me a physco?

Not necessarily psycho. Are you saying you think cheating is ok then? Sounds like you consider it ok under certain circumstances. Perhaps it's a little cold-blooded though, if the other person's emotions are secondary to the justifications one has for cheating. ie, "I love my g/f but that other chick was so hot I couldn't resist". You have already implied as much that "all men will cheat, that it's instinctive". Then again, if a guy thought cheating was ok, he wouldn't be keeping it from his g/f, right? Although if he's keeping quiet about it, it might not have to do so much with guilt, but as self-preservation.

should I tell her EVERYTHING, the sex, the partying, the girls?

I think it's obvious that she already knows. That you have lots of female friends, have cheated in the past, and like to party without her leave little to be said. Apologize, make a sincere effort to be a changed man, and move on. If you don't honestly believe it's in you to change, don't hang onto her just because "she's hot" and you can't envision her with another man. Edited March 7, 2008 by mscaprine

[DanielMadr]

O.K. You f*cked up.

 

1st You need to question yourself why are you player. Are you attention wh0re? Do you need constant approval from various girls? Does it boost your confidence more than anything?

 

2nd Do you really love the girl? Or are you just sorry for her? You could messed her up more if you pretend to love her.

 

3rd Have some STD testing but dont bring up your affairs. Never do that. Conffessing only burdens the other person too. You should be confessing to yourself and Mighty Creator only. And of course if there is a chance you will regret something - then DONT DO IT.

 

So, Dont bring It Up. Say You are sorry, not because you want her back but because you mean it.

 

I suggest for you to have some deep thinking about What do you really want.

[DanielMadr]

I don't think all guys are like that at all.

 

I only pointed out the socio-pathic tendencies present in OP's description of things. Mostly that he can cheat and go to sleep at night with no remorse or guilt whatsoever..... and only got upset over being caught, not what he's done to his gf.

 

D-Lish seriously, after what you wrote about me in your thread.....shame on you.