Had a big fight

[themessenger]

OK so the short end of it is this. My girlfriend hates when I drink she says I change. She used to always accuse me of being a jerk and doing drugs like my friends. But last week she wanted to try drugs and I flipped. Yes i was drinking but that made me so mad. after all her accusations. Now this week I have a niece who is very sick. I always listen to her about the things that bother her. I always ask her how her parents are.

 

I talked to her friday night about what was bothering me. Then satuday night i called her and she didn't answer and she didn't even call to see things were with my niece. I sent her an IM basically saying she is selfish and i never want to speak to you again. she at some point said listening to me talk aboout my niece is draining! She replyed tryed calling etc. she said call me later i want to talk about your niece and nothing else. Then I texted her later and said its not nescesary we spek. Then she calls and leaves a realy mean message saying things like i couldn't wait for this day and i like her more then she likes me. (which i know isn't true)

 

So I call her back and ask her if she meant all those things she says yes if i'm going to act this way. then i start yelling about all the things she does to anoy me and she hangs up. Then starts send me texts. I start sending really mean texts becase she wouldn't answer the phone at this point. She didn't talk to me for three months once. and then she got a bunch of mean texts from her ex and thought it was me. then she called me. so i resorted to that but that didn't work. Now I find my self emailing her leaving messages and texts appologizing for the things i said. no response. i'm starting to feel like a pest.

 

 

now i'm the bad guy. I realize that maybe i should have just let her vent. maybe fireing back at someone with the intenion to win is the same thing as slapping someone that has just slapped you. i know that now. AFter the weekend i told her i wouldn't bicker any more but this time i just feltlike she was purposly pressing my buttons. how do i get out of this mess?

 

Oh and on another note she had an away message the other day saying tsomething about guys should understand that women arent interested in you just cause they are talking to you. i asked her about it thought maybe she was getting herassed. She sid i worry to much.

 

also in the past we had a fight and she acted wierd for a week went back to an ex imediatly. so sometimes i wonder if she is gonna pull that again. she says i'm insecure. is that insecure?

Edited March 5, 2008 by themessenger

[tanbark813]

How old are you guys? Not to be condescending but you sound a little young and if that's the case then I'd say this is part of the learning process of relationships. When people start spouting off like that just for the sake of being mean it never helps matters to respond in kind. It's natural to get pissed off but I find it helps to just emotionally detach from the situation. You can affect how people treat you to a certain extent.

 

As far as how to get out of this mess? Well, first off, your gf sounds a little immature. The best thing to do is discuss things as calmly as possible without leaving angry messages for each other. But with the amount of drama it sounds like you guys have, do you really want to continue things with this girl?

 

Finally, as for the ex issue, I guess technically it's insecure if you're worried about her going back to an ex but it's to be expected if that's what she's done in the past. And, TBH, you should have dropped her altogether at that point, IMO.

[themessenger]

We are in our thirtys if you can believe that

 

and i guess the reason i went back is because back when that happen the relationship was kind of young

 

anways she won't talk to me now and has me blocked on instant messenger

[themessenger]

so anyways she won't talk to me i'd like to reopen paths of communication. Please notice in my story that i was mainly send mean texts to get a response. its what she responded to in the past. now i feel terrible.

[Kamille]

OK so the short end of it is this. My girlfriend hates when I drink she says I change. She used to always accuse me of being a jerk and doing drugs like my friends. But last week she wanted to try drugs and I flipped. Yes i was drinking but that made me so mad. after all her accusations. Now this week I have a niece who is very sick. I always listen to her about the things that bother her. I always ask her how her parents are.

 

I talked to her friday night about what was bothering me. Then satuday night i called her and she didn't answer and she didn't even call to see things were with my niece. I sent her an IM basically saying she is selfish and i never want to speak to you again. she at some point said listening to me talk aboout my niece is draining! She replyed tryed calling etc. she said call me later i want to talk about your niece and nothing else. Then I texted her later and said its not nescesary we spek. Then she calls and leaves a realy mean message saying things like i couldn't wait for this day and i like her more then she likes me. (which i know isn't true)

 

So I call her back and ask her if she meant all those things she says yes if i'm going to act this way. then i start yelling about all the things she does to anoy me and she hangs up. Then starts send me texts. I start sending really mean texts becase she wouldn't answer the phone at this point. She didn't talk to me for three months once. and then she got a bunch of mean texts from her ex and thought it was me. then she called me. so i resorted to that but that didn't work. Now I find my self emailing her leaving messages and texts appologizing for the things i said. no response. i'm starting to feel like a pest.

 

 

now i'm the bad guy. I realize that maybe i should have just let her vent. maybe fireing back at someone with the intenion to win is the same thing as slapping someone that has just slapped you. i know that now. AFter the weekend i told her i wouldn't bicker any more but this time i just feltlike she was purposly pressing my buttons. how do i get out of this mess?

 

Oh and on another note she had an away message the other day saying tsomething about guys should understand that women arent interested in you just cause they are talking to you. i asked her about it thought maybe she was getting herassed. She sid i worry to much.

 

also in the past we had a fight and she acted wierd for a week went back to an ex imediatly. so sometimes i wonder if she is gonna pull that again. she says i'm insecure. is that insecure?

 

Wow there's a lot to unpack in here. But the first thing is, right now she is not returning your attempts to get in touch with her, right?

 

Now the fights about the drinking and drugging and the fights about how each of you enquire about the other's family seem somewhat secondary. They're just examples of a deeper problem : a breakdown in communication. And I would say somewhat of a lack trust. And I would even add, a lack of trust that bring each of you to try and control the other.

 

I think the biggest issue, from which the other stem, is the lack of trust.

 

You are having a hard time communicating with each other because it might seem like you don't actually want to hear each other - because you might not actually trust the other person. And then what happens is that you assign them ulterior motives or you interpret their motives in an unfavorable light.

 

But what strikes me most is how far you're willing to go to get her attention. You're try sending her mean texts, but the only reason you did this was to get her attention.

 

Now, whether or not it works with this girl, I think you have a valuable lesson to learn.

 

Own up to your part in this fight. Tell her you had no right to flip because she wanted to try drugs - because really, you could have expressed concerns, but the final decisions still remains hers. Then tell her the main point: you want to change how the two of you communicate.

 

You might even want to think through why you're so invested in trying to make things work with her. And if you feel like it, you could share this with her. I'm guessing you love her, but you need to think through what she means to you, why you love her, why it's her that you want, that kind of thing (you can't just tell yourself or her it's because you love her).

 

Then again, maybe after you sit and think through why you're so invested in trying to make things work with her you will realize it's because you're afraid of being alone, or because you feel you need to prove your worth by winning her back or who knows what else.

 

Bottomline: figure out why you want her back

figure out what dynamics you can change within yourself to improve your relationship

communicate these proposed changes to her and see how she responds.

 

good luck sorry for the long answer.

[themessenger]

I appreciate the long answer. I do love her but maybe its to soon to tell her that. I guess i do feel slighted that she may not feel as strong for me. but that could build over time. i don't think i'm trying to prove anything to myself. I really just wish i handled things differntly. She doesn't like to bicker and either do i. I try not to get upset and explained to her I won't bicker with her any more after the weekend. But this time around i felt like she was coming at me and i made the mistake of thinking i had to come back harder and dominate. that didn't help anything. I had a falling out with her in the past and she wouldn't talk to me for months. i don't want that to happen again. its her birthday this week

[Kamille]

I appreciate the long answer. I do love her but maybe its to soon to tell her that. I guess i do feel slighted that she may not feel as strong for me. but that could build over time. i don't think i'm trying to prove anything to myself. I really just wish i handled things differntly. She doesn't like to bicker and either do i. I try not to get upset and explained to her I won't bicker with her any more after the weekend. But this time around i felt like she was coming at me and i made the mistake of thinking i had to come back harder and dominate. that didn't help anything. I had a falling out with her in the past and she wouldn't talk to me for months. i don't want that to happen again. its her birthday this week

 

Yeah I'm still struggling with the lesson that sometimes it's more important to listen and be understanding of the other's anger then to win the fight.

 

It strikes me that you used the sentence:

i made the mistake of thinking i had to come back harder and dominate.

 

why the need to dominate? What do you think would happen if you didn't always dominate?

[themessenger]

I guess if i didn't dominate maybe she would vent and i could hold it in and try to work with her to find a compromise

[D-Lish]

A lot of what you are describing seems to be an unhealthy relationship.

 

I think that if your gf is prone to flipping back and forth between you and your exes that this should be a red flag for you.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would have a huge problem with my gf jumping back and forth between myself and her ex bf's. She sounds very young and immature.

 

There also seems to be a lot of anger issues from both ends. When you purposely say something to hurt someone in a moment of anger (which you both do)... it's really damaging. That is probably something you might want to look at changing if you can.

 

If you want my honest opinion- it seems as if the two of you bring out the worst in one another. She also sounds pretty selfish. If you are upset about your neice and your partner tells you it's "draining" to hear about it... I think I'd drop the person like a hot potatoe. She doesn't want to hear about it because she is a selfish girl.

 

Do you really want advice on how to get back on track with this girl?

Or would you like some help with detaching yourself from an unhealthy relationship?

 

Just the fact that she has left you to go back to an ex- and has then come back is something that I would never put up with, and you shouldn't either.

 

I know it's hard- but I would cease contact with her right away. Stop messaging and calling and e-mailing. If you fear she is poised to return to an ex again because you have had a fight- you shouldn't be worried about her doing that... you should be thinking to yourself that this girl isn't worth it.

 

I know you are looking for hope to get back together with her, but from everything you have said- she seems like a pretty crappy girlfriend. And all the anger between the two of you is really, really unhealthy.

 

Anger seems to be your issue here as well- something you might want to address for your own sake.

[themessenger]

well the time she went back with her ex we were only dating for a short time. its hard because they are friends with the same friends and see eachother all the time. does that make me insecure?maybe you are right about the anger part. in fact you are. she says that she trys to not care or show she does, because it scares her that she cares so much. but after the things i said. i'm not sure how much she cares now.

[carhill]

ok carhill that was un called for i don't do drugs and she just wanted to experiment i don't even know where your coment came from

 

But last week she wanted to try drugs and I flipped.

 

Didn't say that you did.

 

So, with that in mind, enjoy the drama and the binges. You're only young once and it's a very exciting time! Do try to avoid dying young though. That sucks

 

I said I didn't use drugs or drink or have casual sexual relationships. You're projecting

[themessenger]

moving along i uess i bicker because she feels uncomfortable with serious talks. when i bicker i get through to her but the relationship gets damaged. maybe she was ready to talk and i missed my window by blowing up. i just would like to talk to her one more time. after that she the ball is in her court. how can i make that happen?

[Kamille]

moving along i uess i bicker because she feels uncomfortable with serious talks. when i bicker i get through to her but the relationship gets damaged. maybe she was ready to talk and i missed my window by blowing up. i just would like to talk to her one more time. after that she the ball is in her court. how can i make that happen?

 

Could you write her a letter or an email?

[themessenger]

i tried that. if i could just get her on the phone i think i could talk to her and make her understand. we didn't talk for a couple months once and i emailed her nice apologetic letters. it made her uncomfortable. she said stop sending me love letters lol. see she wants a relationship where there is no arguing and no serious talks. she wants to just enjoy somebodys company and thats it. shes had some tumultuous relationships so the first sign of another one she bolts. you have to talk sometimes don't you? she just wants everything to be roses 24 hours a day. she d tried dating agin ion the past and then came back to me because she wasn't being appreciated. Now I try to do the right thing and she doesn't appreciate me. I just get so frustrated. I respect she wants things to be simple. I think thats great and all but is that realistic?

[xpaperxcutx]

Yes you could write an email or message her to get in touch with her, but I doubt that she will do anything else besides read them. She's taking this situation and laying all the blame on you. She's upset but she's not gonna go to the length to stop being upset, which means she's gonna ignore you and go on being angry until she feels she's had enough of ignoring you. That just makes you a pawn in her hands.

My advice is to just send her one message, short but not too short, explaining and apologizing for your behaviour. Then leave her alone.

[Kamille]

i tried that. if i could just get her on the phone i think i could talk to her and make her understand. we didn't talk for a couple months once and i emailed her nice apologetic letters. it made her uncomfortable. she said stop sending me love letters lol. see she wants a relationship where there is no arguing and no serious talks. she wants to just enjoy somebodys company and thats it. shes had some tumultuous relationships so the first sign of another one she bolts. you have to talk sometimes don't you? she just wants everything to be roses 24 hours a day. she d tried dating agin ion the past and then came back to me because she wasn't being appreciated. Now I try to do the right thing and she doesn't appreciate me. I just get so frustrated. I respect she wants things to be simple. I think thats great and all but is that realistic?

 

ouf don't ask me about simple! I always dream of a simple relationships, but I think relationships are simple when there is acceptance that there will be some complications along the way that can be dealt with with trust and good communication.

 

hmmmm... It might sound like the two of you are not looking for the same thing. Maybe you could take D-Lish up on ways to detach yourself from this relationship.

[themessenger]

i guess if i were to do that i would like some conformation that she read the message. i wonder if i could just ask her to please talk to me then if she doesn't want to after that then fine.

Edited March 5, 2008 by themessenger

[Trialbyfire]

No offense intended but your g/f sounds like a drama queen. Also, the two of you are interacting with negative dynamics. Neither will give over things that should be non-issues between the two of you. If someone wants to experiment with drugs, discourage, don't flip. If you need a shoulder to cry on, she should be there by your side, offering both shoulders, a stomach and a lap, if it will help you feel better.

 

What is it about her that you love so much? What is it about her that makes you angry and upset? Think hard about this. I haven't seen any positives listed about her, within your posts.

[themessenger]

well trial by fire things are realy good when we are not fighting. I guess i came here for advice on how to clean up a argument so maybe that paints the relationship as worse then it is. because its all i'm talking about is the negatives. you are right though i should have discouraged. I think its interesting you call her a drama queen. please explain. she swears up and down she does everything to avoid drama. i almost feel like thats whhat causes it. if that makes any sensse. kamille are you saying shes looking for something not serious? i've given her easy outs in the past she didn't want them. when ever i woiuld back off she would want more. its kind of hard to read.

Edited March 5, 2008 by themessenger

[LucreziaBorgia]

Messenger, what do you want to have come of this relationship? If you could snap your fingers and make it perfect what would you change, and why? Take a look at the things that you would want to be different and ask yourself if these are things that you have the power to change, or if they are things that she has to change. Then ask - how willing is she to take the initiative to change? Is she comfortable being the way she is? If they are things that you need to work on, find a way that you can work on them. If they are things that she needs to change, then she needs to have to WANT to work on it. If she doesn't, and she reverts back to running away from her problems then you may want to seriously consider if this is what you want for the long term, because if she isn't willing to work toward changes then nothing will change. It will always be this way, and probably go downhill from here.

[Trialbyfire]

Btw, you need to stop yelling at people. It immediately gets their back up to the point where they stop listening.

 

She manages to escalate things, almost like she's trying to increase the stress level. Someone who isn't a drama queen, would not be hanging up on you and then texting you nasty comments. They would suggest that you lower your voice and if you don't, they will have to get off the phone. This gives you fair warning that if you don't modify your behaviour, there will be consequences. A drama queen stirs the pot.

 

"Things are really good" isn't enough to keep things going. What do you love about her? If it's primarily physical, more than likely it's not real love.

 

As for getting out of this mess, I would ignore her. Go full on NC. She sees herself as having the whip hand and from what you've told us, she does. NC is a great way to get your feet under you and an opportunity to move onto someone who's better suited for you. I do recommend that you modify your behaviour, maybe with some anger management courses.

[themessenger]

i don't know if they were completly rude messages she was sending. maybe condesending. anyways she rattled my cage. your right i do need to stop yelling at people.

[D-Lish]

I still have a lot of issue with the fact that you said you were in distress over a family member being sick and she said talking about it annoyed her because it was draining.... I think that's what got me.

 

If nothing else, the yelling and personal attacks have to stop in order to have a more healthy relationship!

 

I'll write more later but the grocery store is calling me.

[themessenger]

I hear you that realy broke my heart after all the listening i would do for her.

yeah and then she said she does care and the reason she didn't listen is because she is scared that she cares about me so much. I don't know. I have to go for now. Please keep the coments coming.

 

I know i should have just talked and not fired back. let her vent. I raealize now that its like slapping someone back.

[RecordProducer]

Hi Messenger ,

 

i tried that. if i could just get her on the phone i think i could talk to her and make her understand.

It's not about getting her on the phone. If she loves you, you WILL get her on the phone eventually. But you can talk 'till you're blue in the face and it won't help if she doesn't have strong feelings for you. You have to figure out what she wants from you and what you're doing wrong. Does she have any unrealistic expectations? Is she willing to take you back if you change? Are you willing to change and will it last? Will she believe it will last? It sounds like she wants you to change and is using silence as means to make it happen.

she wants to just enjoy somebody's company and thats it. shes had some tumultuous relationships so the first sign of another one she bolts. you have to talk sometimes don't you? she just wants everything to be roses 24 hours a day.

Who doesn't? That's people, you can't convince them that you not being perfect is normal and that THEY are not perfect either. I think 90% of people can't see anything bad in their own characters (which might be you and me, too). The remainder 10% are those with issues whose parents convinced them that they're worthless waste of space on this earth.

 

Now I try to do the right thing and she doesn't appreciate me. I just get so frustrated.

I am sorry, but you didn't really mention any reasons for your fights other than your drinking. If this is her problem, then trust me, it's a huge problem. Some people will tolerate drinking for a long time, some will ditch the lush after two drunken episodes. As a former heavy drinker, I can tell you that alcohol destroys lives and shakes the ground under your feet. There is no such thing as social drinking; social drinking is one-two glasses of wine once a week. If you get drunk at least once a month, you have a social problem. I have witnessed the disgust that drunk people evoke in others as well as the (self)destruction they cause.

 

OK so the short end of it is this. My girlfriend hates when I drink she says I change.

This was the first sentence of your thread. When a person changes in an intoxicated state, those who have seen them in such edition (even if just once) lose a piece of respect toward them forever. Every time you get drunk and change, they lose it more and more. You have to stop drinking altogether or you will get yourself into trouble.

 

 

she at some point said listening to me talk about my niece is draining! She replyed tryed calling etc. she said call me later i want to talk about your niece and nothing else. Then I texted her later and said its not nescesary we spek.

Well, it IS draining. Maybe she shouldn't have said that, but she did offer to speak to you. I am sorry to hear about your sick niece. What does she have and how old is she?

 

So I call her back and ask her if she meant all those things she says yes if i'm going to act this way.

Which way? Apparently there is something in your behavior that's bothering her very much. Is it the drinking or something else? If you don't know what it is, you should ask her.

 

 

then i start yelling about all the things she does to anoy me and she hangs up. Then starts send me texts. I start sending really mean texts becase she wouldn't answer the phone at this point. She didn't talk to me for three months once. and then she got a bunch of mean texts from her ex and thought it was me. then she called me. so i resorted to that but that didn't work. Now I find my self emailing her leaving messages and texts appologizing for the things i said. no response. i'm starting to feel like a pest.

She doesn't want an apology. She wants something else: either a change in you or for you to leave her alone. It's definitely one of those two. Your goal is to have her back. Write her an email and tell her that you will change whatever she wants you to change, but you'll have to do it. Please understand that when people want you to change some fault of yours, you're not doing THEM a favor - you're doing yourself a favor. I stopped drinking when others told me I should, but I did it for myself, not for them and ultimately it made ME happy, not them. There is no better feeling in the world than being sober and no uglier thing than being drunk and displaying a person that you're not. Imagine that you there's a pill that you can buy that makes you ugly and disgusting, aggressive and stupid. Well, that's what booze does to many of us. And you're voluntarily paying for this self-destructive pill. I stopped drinking instantly when my ex-husband told me that I am a perfect woman when I don't drink, but all that gets flushed down the toilet when I drink. If you can't stop, look for AA in your area. It seems to have helped many, many people.

 

 

now i'm the bad guy. I realize that maybe i should have just let her vent. maybe firring back at someone with the intenion to win is the same thing as slapping someone that has just slapped you. i know that now.

It's worse than that, because we always remember how others have hurt us, but forget the things we have said and done to hurt them. You say something to fire BACK, but they believe you and at the moment of pain don't realize that you just said that as a form of revenge. Mutual insults create a vicious cycle and later, you don't know how to break it. In any case, when the bickering and insults and silent treatments and breakups start, I think it's time to accept that the relationship is not right. You said that otherwise you have good times, so you need to stop these destructive fights. If you don't stop them now, I guarantee you, the time will come when you will only fight and never have a good time. Of course, this will be the end.

 

also in the past we had a fight and she acted wierd for a week went back to an ex imediatly. so sometimes i wonder if she is gonna pull that again. she says i'm insecure. is that insecure?[

I don't know if you're insecure. Being insecure is not a problem per se; it's the bad moves that one might make due to their insecurity that counts.