My wife has left me

[lovelorcet]

Hey man!

 

I just saw this thread and I am sorry that I missed it. I could have written the same thing to years ago. It was really totally out of the blue for me and my wife just had a "brain fart" as I would call it.

 

I was trying to do everything to save things but in hindsight I realized that there was really nothing I could have done. Nothing at all, I was put to blame for her unhappiness and it took her about 1.5 years after the break to realize this. She is now alone with her same issues.

 

You really need to be taking care of your self and weather you want to or not you need to make a cut from her. Prepare yourself for the future you will have now without this woman.

 

There is nothing more empowering that you can do then show that you are moving on. Woman HATE this and you will see that it will make her very insecure. She may even try to hook you again and pull you in just a bit just to keep you warm.

 

Make the decision that you have to move on for your own health and wellbeing and then DO IT. Even if you have to fake it at first, the distance will come and with that the pain will lessen.

 

Don't try to rationalize what she is doing and how she is behaving. She has he head in the clouds and is destroying her life right and left so that she can sleep with this other man. Ya, it sucks but this is what is going on so learn to accept it and move on.

[sumdude]

Just wanted to say... good luck and hold up on what you're thinking and doing. I feel fo you. The story is very familiar to me with some different twists... Took me a bit longer to come around. For me being freinds seems next to impossible... after alll freinds don't lie like that to each other.. just my point of view. I did however remain very civil with her through it all.

 

 

As far as splitting debts etc... In most states when you file for divorce you put together a separation agreement or settlement. Usually any debts and assets accumulated during the marriage are split evenly as long as both parties had income.

 

I was stuck with all the debts... because they were all in my name. It would have cost me as much or more to get $$ out of her than just paying the debts.

 

Looking back i was way too 'nice' during the first few months of separation when I still held out hope of reconciliation. Reality is that most of the time .. once they've already moved out... it's a done deal. Of all the posters I've seen on this board maybe 3 have managed a reconciliation.

[john30]

These guys are right. Her request for "friendship" serves two purposes. One, to alleviate her guilt so she doesn't have to feel like she did anything wrong. Two, to keep you 'in the bullpen' just in case.

 

 

Ladyjane, I think this is very true.

[john30]

, as for your W she is just moving sideways not really learning from what she has done.

 

I feel that the person that leaves (not all situations of coarse) is just trying to take the easy road, all relationships take time & have there bumps & bruises.

 

I think your right, I don't think she will learn anything. I think somewhere down the road, she will realise that she hasn't moved forward, she's gone backwards. She's reaching out for different things to make herself happy, when the things that can make her truly happy were right there infront of her, she just couldn't see them.

[john30]

Lovelorcet, Sumdude.

 

When this first happened I was so shocked about the whole thing(still am) that I thought it was a unique situation. I thought breakups happened over time and only to people who had bad marriages. Now I know I was very wrong for thinking those things.

 

I am suprised at the amount of stories very similar to mine.

 

I think I have been way too soft on her since the whole thing started. I supposed that's because like other people, you hope that there will be reconciliation. I think maybe it makes it worse because we did have a good marriage and that's what is so sad about the whole thing.

[Confused9]

I know for me I felt the same way, John. I was hoping that he would see how much I cared and how willing I was to try and make things work. Unfortunately for me, I think this actually made things worse. I thought my situation was SO different. There was NO WAY he fell out of love with me, he cheated...none. As we all know, that turned out to be true.

 

I didn't want to believe he was unfaithful or not the man I thought he was. But, the truth is...he was a cheater, a liar, and just like the rest of them. He played all the normal tricks after he had his affair and tried to blame me for it.

 

It's sad really. But, as good people dedicated to our relationships...we tried to keep it together and hold on to them, hold on to what once was.

 

Next time...we will get better : )

[lovelorcet]

 

I am suprised at the amount of stories very similar to mine.

 

 

I also thought that my situations was something unique and then I started to learn how often this happens. I guess some women just do this and my rational mind just does not get it.

 

It is like some other guy comes along and trips over the cord that plugs their brain into reality and then *poof* they are off. A loving normal woman is destroying things left and right.

 

I have come to see that these things always follow some basic pattern....

[john30]

 

It is like some other guy comes along and trips over the cord that plugs their brain into reality and then *poof* they are off. A loving normal woman is destroying things left and right.

 

 

 

Hey mate, that line got me laughing alright, but it really does sum it up for me.

 

My wife was a normal loving woman with a lot to be proud of, and don't get me wrong, she was a very good wife. But it's all changed now and I can't change it back, it's like she's on self destruct or something. It's a shame, I still feel for her because I know she's gonna fall down sometime soon and believe me, I don't want that to happen to her.

[Ladyjane14]

This is a really long thread, John, but it might be worth the reading. Like you, Mike1966 could see his wayward wife heading for a fall too.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t125202/?highlight=mike1966

[john30]

Ok here's an update on my situation.

 

My wife has been increasingly friendly, texting me 4 or 5 times a day and ringing me sometimes twice a day. I haven't rang or text her, the contact is all her doing.

 

Today she rang me and told me her claim for benefits still hasn't come through after 4 weeks. I have been paying her debts for her since she left because she has no money, but I have only give her my half for the last 2 weeks because I don't see why I should pay it all anymore.

 

She asked me would I pay all of it for this month, so I said see how your claim for benefits goes this week. She started getting angry saying that I'm a tight B*****d and I should pay it because she's got no money. She said all I think about is myself and started asking me what I'm doing with all my money.

 

I tried to make her understand that I have been more than fair with her, all she wants to do it seems is try to make my life worse than it already is. After everything she's done to me, she's still got the nerve to get on the phone giving me s**t about paying HER half of the debts.

 

She is dropping my son off on Saturday and she asked could she come and have a drink with me. But now she has text me saying that she will just drop him off and go, like it's some sort of punnishment or something.

 

I just don't understand her actions or her behaviour, it is unbelievable.

 

John.

[Ladyjane14]

She is dropping my son off on Saturday and she asked could she come and have a drink with me. But now she has text me saying that she will just drop him off and go, like it's some sort of punnishment or something.

 

The joke's on her then isn't it? Especially if you have some nice activities planned for just you and your son.

 

I just don't understand her actions or her behaviour, it is unbelievable.

 

You can't make sense out of nonsense. It'll make you nuts to try. Better to let her gnash her teeth. She's gonna do that no matter what you decide to do anyway. Your only choice is whether or not you'll let it bother you.

[sumdude]

The thing about joint debt is that if both names are on the account and they don't get paid both credit ratings get trashed. So to save your own a$$ you might have to make payments on the accounts even if she won't. At some point you need to freeze any joint credit cards before she starts pulling money out or buying like crazy and leaving you with the bill. Let her know you've done it, she will likely shoot through the roof, be ready for that. You will need to cut her off and she's gonna be mad as heck about it. She will throw all that anger at you, blame you for everything and likely act as if she's entitled to your money just because. She doesn't want you or the marriage? Then she doesn't get any of the benefits of it either. Talk to a lawyer about the finances and possibly a divorce financial advisor, get a head start on proceedings, take control of the process before she gets a jump on you.

 

You are now playing chess... and it sux. I remeber my ex would be all nicey nice during the separation, when she wanted or needed something....

Edited March 17, 2008 by sumdude

[Confused9]

UGH! What is wrong with people?

 

I know it's hard becasue you love her and you think doing nice things will fix things but they won't. She doesn't deserve you and is walking all over you.

 

Tell her you can't make plans for drinks anyway and let it be.

 

There is a whole world out here...it's time to enjoy it. (I'm not saying dating for anything because I know it's too soon...trust me) but allowing her to run your life while you sit on the sidelines trying to figure out hers...is not worth it. As you know from my posts...I have been doing it too.

 

NO MORE.

[br0ken_w0lf]

She asked me would I pay all of it for this month, so I said see how your claim for benefits goes this week. She started getting angry saying that I'm a tight B*****d and I should pay it because she's got no money. She said all I think about is myself and started asking me what I'm doing with all my money.

 

Wow, I was reading this in absolute disbelief! I'm [almost] speechless! That is just pure audacity, nothing else. How someone can expect (and demand) stuff from you after *they left* blows my mind. To echo sumdude's advice, CYA. And she should be thankful that you're as even-tempered as you are (the impression I'm getting anyway)...

[Gunny376]

I'm in total agreement with the others ~ CYA!

 

She'd best be glad she's not married to me? I'd tell her she could go sleep in a hollow log, drink muddy water, and eat freaking road-kill for all I cared?

 

I wouldn't give a dime more than I had to? And even with that she'd be siging a receipt ~ canceled check, (You documenting every cent you give her ~ and / or spend on the marital bills ~ aren't you?)

 

When people get married? They're actually marrying three potentially four different people?

 

They marry the person the think they're marrying?

 

They marry the person they're actually are marrying?

 

The marry the person that comes about as a result of having been married to you?

 

The fourth? That the one that some of us meet in divorce court? As in "I can't believe that's the same woman/man I've been married to all these years?!!!

[john30]

Speechless. That's pretty much how I've felt since I found out about the text messages, and yeah Gunny, she certainly isn't the same woman I married ten years ago, that's for sure.

 

The problem I've got is that I'm soft and I still care about her, but it seems she couldn't care less about me. I mean, if I'd have walked out on her after texting another woman and everything else, I wouldn't even think about asking her for anything!

 

I find it hard to get down in words exactly how I feel about the whole thing. I think she would be happy if I dug myself a hole in the ground, got in it, and allowed her to shovel the soil on top.

[jmargel]

She wants your money, not you. She's still trying to justify her behavior and by you continuing to give her money you are just re-enforcing that into her. To her, that is not showing you care, that is showing that her thinking is right and that it's your fault she is with her ex bf.

 

You really need to grow some balls and show tough love. Push her out on her own, let her face all the consequences for her behavior. Open that cage door as wide as you can and let her fly. Let her know that she is never welcomed back and that she is now on her own. Do not pay for anything of hers!

 

This is why she has devalued you and the marriage. She got everything for nothing. When that happens the value placed on it is low. What would you value more? A new corvette that you worked the past 10 years for, or this new vette that was just given to you? Same goes for your marriage.

[john30]

So, last Friday night a friend asks me do I want to go for a beer with him. I wasn't sure at first as I haven't been out since she left, but in the end I thought what the hell, I'll go.

 

So I'm in the pub and there's about 6 of us having a laugh and it felt good to be out. At about 11.00pm I checked my phone and there was a missed call from my wife! I didn't want to call her back so I just sent her a text saying 'in pub, sorry didn't here it ring, lol' to which she didn't reply.

 

So at about 12.30pm, I decide to walk home. As i'm walking back I get a text from her that wasn't meant for me, lol, it said 'He answered saying he in pub and didn't hear it, I not answer him, let him get on with it'

 

So I ring her and she doesn't answer(I found this quite funny). So I text her saying 'You sent me message which wasn't meant for me, like I said was in pub, never heard it' She answers saying sorry, I don't answer, she texts again asking was I ignoring her, I answered saying no, I was in pub and didn't hear.

 

She rings me next morning early and wakes me up, just talking about nothing. She drops my son off later and wants to have a cup of coffee with me, so I made her one.

 

I was supposed to drop him back on Sunday at 6pm, but she phones and says she will pick him up now at 3.30pm. She rang about 2pm stressed about her new job and could she pick him up a bit later, I offered to drop him back but she refused saying shes got nothing to do so she will pick him up. She arrived acting strange and went as soon as we put my sons bag in the car,

 

Not heard from her since!

 

Is it me, or is this very strange behaviour, anyone got any thoughts? I'm not holding onto any hopes for reconciliation, I know it's over, just can't work her out at all, has she lost the plot?

 

John.

[sumdude]

Who knows? Trying to read anything into her actions or trying to read her mind won't get you anything but stress.

[Confused9]

Like you just said to me. Stop asking questions...we will never know the answers.

 

Sounds to me like you need to continue moving on.

 

One foot in front of the other...

[carhill]

Rubber band familiarity.... I'd expect more of it...

 

Don't try to make sense of it. You can't

[john30]

Yeah, true. I suppose you can't make sense out of situations like this. I'll just plod on doing what I'm doing, and let her do whatever she's doing and try not to think of it too much.

 

I think it suits me to just go with the flow now I suppose.

[Nomad1]

This kind of crap seems to happen to good men and women. Often they care about their families, their partners and want to just enjoy life in their company. usually very hard working and take life seriously. Often planning ahead for the family, their career, saving for their next holiday abroad with the family. They love their wives / husbands and trust them 100%...then, the wife / husband succumbs to lust and yields to the advances of OM / OW. Some would do it for years while their unsuspecting partner ascribes the changes in them to work-related stress or mid-life crisis. But affairs come with a thick fog that blinds the WS. They can't see anything outside their new inner world. They start making mistakes, telling different lies to cover their tracks. As a defense mechanism, they start re-writing the history of the relationship and attempt to persuade the BS that the relationship had been dysfunctional for a while.

 

John, you probably thing that your real wife has been abducted by aliens leaving a nastier version of her behind! Well, it is your wife alright. She wanted immediate gratification and the excitement of the newness of encounters with other men. She must have poor self-image and craves attention from other men to boost her confidence. Once the fog lifts, she will see clearly what she had done. She may get into a series of unsatisfactory relationships with different men and everytime things don't go well for her, she will call you and try to make her life as miserable as hers. She will use your child to manipulate and place demands on you. You must not allow her to do this to you. The best thing you can do is live well and be a model father. She will then respect you. DO NOT EVER take her back. Mark my word, she will try to get back with you when she realises that actually she had it good but did not know how to keep you.

 

You should be glad that you are no longer with her. She did you a huge favour. You too are now in a fog. A different kind of fog that is stopping you from seeing that it is irrational to still love someone who treats you with so much contempt! You will get through this. We all had to. You will emerge at the other end as a better and hopefully more dignified person.

 

Take care

 

Nomad1

[john30]

This kind of crap seems to happen to good men and women. Often they care about their families, their partners and want to just enjoy life in their company. usually very hard working and take life seriously. Often planning ahead for the family, their career, saving for their next holiday abroad with the family. They love their wives / husbands and trust them 100%...then, the wife / husband succumbs to lust and yields to the advances of OM / OW. Some would do it for years while their unsuspecting partner ascribes the changes in them to work-related stress or mid-life crisis. But affairs come with a thick fog that blinds the WS. They can't see anything outside their new inner world. They start making mistakes, telling different lies to cover their tracks. As a defense mechanism, they start re-writing the history of the relationship and attempt to persuade the BS that the relationship had been dysfunctional for a while.

 

 

Yeah, this is so true, and what a dam shame. My wife has come up with all sorts of silly reasons for us not working out and I just can't be a***d listening to it anymore. You have to deal with so much irrationality and lies on top of the fact that you just lost the person that you love with all your heart.

 

I am learning to switch off from it all now though, because you have to, don't you? and yeah, I do think she's been abducted by aliens, lol. She's still there, but she isn't the person I married, not the person I spent 10yrs of my life with.

 

Like someone else said on another thread, you have to stop looking out for them, let them go it alone, that's what she chose the day she left, if she screws her life up, then that's her problem, not mine.

 

I think your right, one day, she will realise she's made a big mistake. I hope when that day comes, I can turn her away with the same coldness she's shown me.

 

John.

[sumdude]

Abducted by aliens...lol I described it as an eposide of the Twilight Zone. I went to Korea on a business trip, When I landed back in the states I was in an alternate universe.. who are you and what have you done with my wife?