Unhappy in marriage...

[smartgirl]

The thing with getting married looking back on it is that I guess it all just happened so fast. We were together about two years before being married but it just was assumed we would get married. I had reservations before the wedding but was too cowardly or immature to put a stop to it. I am obviously regretting that now. That should be a lesson for others out there with doubts to take a good hard look at the relationship. I am paying for it now. Would it have been difficult then? Yes. Is it more difficult now? Absolutely!

 

I will be starting the MC next week and it seems the first visits are IC which as has been suggested for me is a good idea. Thanks mysocalledlife .

 

BTW the crush is finally starting to abate. Still get the flutters when I see her each day or hear her voice but I have been limiting contact at work as much as possible. Again there is no outside contact and she has no idea how I feel. I am starting to feel happy for her again in her current relationship instead of upset that she wouldn't be there in case I got out of my M and wanted to start something. I realize this aspect is all about me and is very selfish but still difficult to get through the feelings.

 

My wife really is trying at home and hoping things will go well with the MC. I am not that optimistic after a discussion we had this weekend. Unfortunatly I am regarding the MC at this point as a way to help her cope with the fact I want out. If the therapist agrees it might make it easier. I just don't know and in the end who really knows how the MC will affect me or change my attitude?

 

Listen, I know people can't help how they feel. The more you have posted, the closer you seem to just wanting out. I am not a stay in the marriage at all costs kind of person. However, I believe people should not make life altering decisions without 1) having the best information they can have, 2) looking at the situation from multiple perspectives, not just their own or their current mindset, 3) understanding which of the factors playing into their decision are temporary and which are likely to remain unchanged. These apply to all kinds of decisions, not just staying married.

 

You have made an investment in this relationship. You felt you wanted to have a child with this woman. You saw something in this woman that made you want to marry her, though you don't seem to remember what that is at the moment. You don't seem that happy with yourself and that won't change if you leave the marriage. All those things tell me that you have some work to do before you make the decision to pull the plug. Otherwise, you may just be trading one batch of problems for another.

 

Give the therapy a chance, though I would say that if you go into it with the idea that it is an exit strategy and you have not told that to the therapist or your wife you will create a frustrating, hurtful situation for everyone. You need to tell both that you currently feel more like separating than working on the marriage, though you have honestly not fully arrived at that decision yet since you are pursuing counseling. Please be honest or the therapy will be a big waste of time and money.

 

I will tell you that during my H's darkest days, he felt our marriage had run its course, that he had never been highly physically attracted to me, that my love for him had dimmed and he considered leaving me for his OW. All that took place in the span of a year and a half from start to the last dying ember. It took him standing on the edge of the abyss to realize that I was what he wanted. He said it was like going to OZ. You think its what you want until you go there and then you realize what you really want is what you had already.

 

Be open-minded, be honest with yourself and others and see where this takes you. Good luck.

[surfcitysiren]

If I may be so bold as to say.......

 

I find it interesting that your 'crush' bears a slight resemblence to attributes your wife possesses. You might want to take a look at that and ask yourself why that could be. Just for insight, not saying there is anything wrong with it in any way.....

 

And also interesting to me that the 'crush' has children.

 

So I'm going to go out on a limb here and pray that nobody lops my head off for doing so.....

 

This is what I 'hear' (AND I COULD BE WRONG, so bear with me):

 

It sounds like you are a thoroughly decent human being, #1

It seems *possible* to me that a *partial* reason for your developing this crush is that deep down, you really, really want or wish the situation could be better with your wife. ***Perhaps*** this could be due to your actual feelings for her or *perhaps* a more truthful answer is that what it is you are wishing for, in terms of things being better with your wife, is just what you *hoped* was there or could be there, but in reality, just isn't.

 

I know that any time there is an inbalance in a relationship, where one person is giving more than the other where both feel the giving should more equal (ie amount of love and shared aspect or 'partnerhip' in making a life together) that it leads to resentment. If that goes on long enough, then we get......to......this place.

 

It sounds to me like the two of you are good people, but not compatible overall. As painful as a divorce can be, consider the possiblity that in time your wife could be happier and find someone who is better suited for her, as well.

 

It does not sound to me like you are just being 'selfish'. There are some pretty big issues here, IMHO.

 

And PLEASE hear this, if you hear nothing else: If you are already unhappy, do not have children with this woman. It will NOT help. Children are a blessing but having children can strain even the BEST of marriages (trust me, I'm an expert on this one).

 

All having children will do is, at best, temporarily distract you from how unhappy you are. The unhappiness will surely return....and with a vengeance....and when it does???? Well, now there are kids in the mix.

 

Do yourself and your wife a favor. Give each of you the gift of freedom to pursue seperate lives, and hopefully, happiness.

 

Don't SETTLE the next time around. Find a girl that you love every bit as much as she loves you and be happy with her and MAKE BABIES if that's your heart's true desire.

 

And please, let the crush go....both out of your heart and your head. If you stay with your wife and have a child, you risk hurting the children....if you pursue your crush, you risk hurting TWO women and the children involved in that sich, as well......not to mention yourself......

 

And that would be even worse than were you are at now. Trust me.

 

Let them BOTH go. Figure out what YOU really want and be happy being alone for a bit and processing through the breakup of your marriage, if that's your decision. THEN and ONLY then, look for a new love....

 

I wish you peace

[toughchoices]

All the advice I have been getting is great. My wife has been making significant changes that I really appreciate. She is doing more around the house, volunteering to do some cooking and shopping, etc. My concerns are that if I eventually decide on divorce she is going to hate me because of all the effort put forth and it didn't work. She is trying! The other concern I have is how long will this new behavior last? Will it be a month, two, more and then back to the same old same old? Will I get comfortable being with her again and happy with the changes she has made only to have things revert back to the way they were?

 

I am not sure if I gave all the background on us trying to have children so here it is. We have tried for years, since we were first married. We have spent tens of thousands of dollars on infertility treatments. The money came from her trust fund so that is a big contribution I need to acknowledge. The kicker is that none of the attempts have been successful obviously. The heart break is that in that time we have conceived on our own twice only to have a miscarriage each time. The second time we actually were far enough along to see a heartbeat on the US. The pain of not seeing a heartbeat on the next visit was devastating. This has affected both of us. Maybe her more at first and she has recovered/ing but now I think about it quite a bit even though it was almost a year ago.

 

Any suggestions on what to bring up on my IC visit next week. This is part of our MC. I have never been in counseling before. What I want to do is give my side of the story to some of the issues. Don't want to sound petty or aggressive though. My previous posts give some background.

 

Another thing with all the positive changes my wife has made are comments she makes about the current situation. These are appropriate and delivered in a very civil way when we are having just normal discussions. The just of them is that things will never be the same(which is good in a way) but she now knows how unhappy I am/was and this has in some part destroyed her view of our "happy marriage". She apologizes for not being there for me in a way I needed and wants to please me as before. At other times I believe she gets upset with me for leading her on. You know keeping quiet and letting her think things were fine when they weren't. I do fear for her if we get a divorce because of her history of depression and last few weeks with things at their lowest her thoughts of suicide. She is in with two psychiatrist as well as being maximized on meds. Plus the IC/MC. She made statements before we were married about not being able to live without me and I think that is some of the reason I couldn't just put a stop to the wedding.

[toughchoices]

Had my first MC session today. It was actually an IC with 1-2 more to follow before the W and I are together for a session. I feel it went well and was able to address some of the issues I had and just doing that made me feel better.

 

An interesting thing the therapist said was about setting a timeline, say 6 months and then evaluating where the W and I were. He said once things start to come out you never know where it will take you.

 

Things have been going really well at home recently but I am still not sure I want to be married in 5-10 years down the road. Sounds harsh but from what I have read on LS my wife deserves someone who loves her as much as she loves me. If I am not that person I owe it to us both to admit it. Otherwise I think I'll be unhappy and it will make her unhappy in the end.

[smartgirl]

Like your therapist said, see where this leads first. The more you have posted the more you talk about wanting out. I get this strange feeling from it almost like you are trying to talk yourself into why it is a good idea to divorce.

 

I'm sorry, but I really get the feeling that you want to pursue your crush and that is driving a lot of this thinking. That being said, your marriage really may be over - for you. But you do owe it to your wife to be honest in how you are approaching this MC. Don't let her and the therapist think that you are interested in saving the marriage if you really aren't. If you are hoping that the therapist will do the dirty work for you and declare the marriage unable to be saved you are wrong, it doesn't work that way.

 

If she still loves you, the least you can do is not prolong her misery or unfairly raise her hopes that you want it to work. That is just cruel.

[toughchoices]

Smartgirl...As I have been posting I think you are right. I have been trying to convince myself it is ok to get a divorce. Things are going better at home and at this point my feelings are starting to change/evolve. I still am not convinced at staying married but I don't have this overwhelming sense of doom and despair about it like I did before. Another problem is that I have made some changes for the better and am trying to work at the marriage. At this point it would really shock and hurt my wife if I just said I still want a divorce. Now I think that is what I want, I don't know that is what I want like it was before. So, overall progress. Who knows what the feelings will be in the next few weeks/months. I do want it to work but I still don't have that feeling of true and total love back.

 

As for the crush...yes it would be great to pursue...if I was single, if I wasn't going through all of this. Is it a driving force in my decision making? I don't know. Will I pursue it? NO! I would just be trading one set of problems for probably bigger and more complex problems without providing me with what I want. One of the problems is this feeling or desire I have to just be single and be out there dating. My wife is the only woman I have ever been with(sexually). I feel like I have missed out in some way. Very selfish of me.

[smartgirl]

TC, You are in a tough place and I do sympathize. My H and I met as teens and have been together for over 30 years. The lack of experience with other partners has dogged him on and off the whole time. About 20 years ago, before kids, he had an EA with a coworker. He wanted to know what it was like "out there" and said his ideal would be if we could separate for about 2 years, let him sow his oats, and then get back together and proceed with our life. Not seriously, but that is how he felt. He had to make a decision and after struggling for a couple of years with his intermittment loss of passion and desire for me he turned a corner. It was like nothing had ever happened. Things were great, we had kids and a good life. Then it happened again. Met a coworker and all the old doubts and self esteem issues came back. He got in too deep and even considered leaving me for her.

 

During his time with her he began to convince himself (with a lot of help from her) that he loved me, but wasn't "in love" anymore. That our marriage had been great, but had run its course. He believed she offered him that illusive something he had been pining for. After awhile they began falling apart because there really wasn't much there beyond a thin coworker kind of friendship and a lot of illicit sex.

 

Now things are better between us than they have probably ever been. A lot of relationship work has taught us how to give more and get more out of our marriage and the sex is the best in all these years (some reading helped there).

 

I tell you all this to say that because you feel one way now, don't be surprised that you may feel completely different later with almost no idea how or why. We all think our feelings are permanent or single-direction trends. We don't understand that they can be changeable and circular. We look around at our spouse and believe that our feelings have been created by the actions of this person. But often, the feelings have a source much closer to home and you are simply rewriting history to try and explain the negative feelings.

 

So give yourself time and keep your eyes wide open.

 

All that being said, there is no easy cure for this yearning to see what it is like with someone else. It is quite natural I think, especially for men where experience with multiple partners is considered something that makes you more of a man. So big self esteem issues there. I think many people in this situation embark on affairs believing it will give them the opportunity to have that experience without destroying the life they have built with a spouse they still love. But once you begin having sex with someone else, it brings you closer to that person and further away from your spouse. It almost always ends badly for some or all involved. Things are clearly now worse than they were before the A. But to the person who doesn't pursue the affair -- and is therefore left wondering about what it would be like and feeling that they are missing out on something important -- they also feel a sense of loss and regret. But those feelings can and do fade.

Edited March 15, 2008 by smartgirl
add

[toughchoices]

For me I don't feel it is as much of a self esteem issue as curiosity. Obviously being unhappy in my marriage makes me wonder what I am missing. I am waiting for my feelings about this crush to change and go away but they haven't yet. Before I was just unhappily married. Now I want someone else which I know would not be an ideal situation even if I was single, never married and we just met.

 

What do I do when I just don't want to come home? Its like a weight on my chest at the thought of it. This Friday I finished at the office around 4:15 but didn't leave work until 5:30. I just didn't want to got home with my wife there. No fault of hers, no recent fights, just didn't want to go there. Hopefully MC will help but who knows. With the way things have been recently I think my wife feels everything is ok and back to normal. Unfortunately my feelings really haven't changed.

[georgia girl]

Tough Choices,

 

JMO, but I think you need to be honest with your wife just as you've been on the board. Tell her that things are better, you are having more positive feelings about your marriage, but you are not sure that you still don't want a divorce. Emphasize that you have been trying and you appreciate that's she's been trying, but that you don't want to lead her on.

 

Here's why I think that. If you do decide to get a divorce, up to this point, you've done everything as honorable as you can. Even though your wife is likely hurt and angry, she knows that you are still honorable. If you start down this path where you're not-so-honest to spare her feelings, she's going to feel duped. That's even more hurtful than wanting out of the marriage and that may be totally unforgivable for her. Therefore, down the road, if you want to be friends, try again, etc., you may have done enough damage that this option isn't available to you anymore. JMO and I hope it helps.

 

BTW, you're restoring my faith in men a little bit. Good job.

[toughchoices]

Georgia Girl I am glad I was able to restore some faith in men. I wish I was able to do it for myself at this point.

 

I think you are right about leading my wife on currently. I am taking the actions needed to help our marriage as she is but by my silence I may be getting her hopes up too much. It is just so hard to say "Hey everything is going well you have been doing a great job and BTW I still think I want a divorce." If that is the truth it needs to be said but I feel we are making progress and don't want to make such a blanket statement right now. I have only had one IC session so far and we haven't started the actual couple MC yet. Thank you all for your input and support.

 

I do feel that no matter what happens I will come out of this as a better person. What I don't want to do is ruin my wife or hurt her anymore in the process.