Haohmaru Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 I've seen many breakups, of all different situations, boil down to this. One partner, usually the Dumper, still holds some kind of emotional power over the other. They use this power to transition out of the relationship. I call it the Leash Theory. Dumpers usually break off relationships because of the loss of the feeling of romantic love for their partner. However, other aspects of the relationship, namely attachment, are not so easily let go of. It takes much longer to break a bond of attachment than any other bond, no matter how it is formed. The Leash Theory is the group of behaviors that the Powered party will use on the Victim Party to more smoothly relieve themselves of that attachment bond. These behaviors include, but are not limited to: 1. Flirting with the ex, but never going out with them again 2. Calling/texting at inappropriate times with inappropriate/vague/mixed messages 3. Goading the ex into arguments to keep the ex emotionally attached 4. Having ex-sex but then immediately withdrawing emotionally 5. Saying, "I just want to be friends" and then acting like the relationship never happened; calling all happy, flaunting new relationships in front of the ex If you find yourself the victim of these behaviors, cut off the offending party completely and immediately. They are using you until they find someone else, at which point, believe me, they will drop you like a hot bad habit. Don't let yourself get used, drawn in by hope, when you know it's best for you to move on. This has been a Public Service Announcement from Haohmaru. I'm here to help.
Mustang Sally Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 I think you are on to something here, Haohmaru. We talked a bit about this sort of thing (albeit, from the dumpee's point of view) in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=141097 Oh, around post #19 or so.
FooledOnce Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 nice. but i'm not sure if 'leash theory' is the best name for it...
Star Gazer Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 There's something to be said about your theory, H. But what I want to know is WHY the dumpER hangs on to that leash? The reasons why the dumpEE allows themselves to maintain contact with their ex is obvious (hope for reconciliation, attachment, etc.), but when a dumpER ends a relationship, what is the point to that person in maintaining contact? Haven't they decided they don't want to be with you anymore? And given that's the case, why not sever ties completely? Mustang Sally suggested in the other thread that many dumpERs string the dumpEE along, perhaps due to some "pretty significant and DEEP SEATED esteem issues of their own." What are your thoughts on this? Does a dumpER end a relationship and keep it going in a string-along way to boost their ego? To reaffirm to themselves that they're wanted and worthwhile people? What?
Mustang Sally Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Star - I still stand by my original comments in that other thread...at least for many folks. I do think ego plays into it often. Of course, it's not the answer for everyone. Maybe sometimes it's because the dumpER is having a hard time dealing with the guilt they feel over dumping the dumpEE? Especially if they truly harbor no real ill will towards the person, they just "weren't that into them." So to ease their own conscience, they end up (probably unwittingly) stringing along the dumpEE, in a way. Unfortunately, it just causes more grief and confusion for the dumpEE when the eventual outcome is the same. I guess I think that most of the time, it's really not possible for the dumpER to "soften the blow," try as they might. All I know is, at the end of the day, NO CONTACT is really the best thing when relationships end. And for good reason. At least until the healing has occurred. Just my opinion. YMMV, as always.
sedgwick Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 It takes much longer to break a bond of attachment than any other bond, no matter how it is formed. Are there bonds of unattachment?
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 YMMV, as always. Help a girl out? I don't get that acronym...
wizer Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I agree with most of what you wrote except for the underlying reason for it all...I think it's more due to the dumper being unable to give up the dumpee, they are not getting of on the "power" trip, they are just unable to completely break away, but they call the shots because the dumpee is willing to do whatever is necessary to maintain some semblance of contact. It's not really a "leash" because that would imply that the dumper is completely in control, whereas in reality the dumper has some conflicting feelings too.
Mustang Sally Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Sorry. "Your Mileage May Vary," my standard disclaimer...
D-Lish Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 When I dump someone I go into no contact mode and don't engage in any game playing or hot/cold behaviour. I just dumped someone who wasn't giving me what I needed out of the relationship.... I knew he wasn't as "into me" as I was into him.... I decided to be the one to step up and break up with him because it was the best choice for me. Somehow I still feel as if I am the dumpee. I thought by breaking it off that I would regain some power over the situation- but that hasn't been the case this time. I was just on the dating site where I met him and saw his profile pic flash by the screen at the top of the page where it tells you who was most recently online checking mail. I was doing okay until I saw his pic. Now I feel like crap and want to talk to him. I won't do it- but it really affected me. I like the out of sight out of mind break up.... but every time I go onto the dating site I am scared I will see his pic and be reminded of him. Yes, I did dump him- but he immediately went into NC with me and although I am doing the same- I feel as if I was the one who got rejected. Just a different perspective. ;-(
melusine71 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 This is it!! I knew it and I let him do it to me and now he has found someone else. I feel so sick and pissed.
Woggle Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I think that some people get off on the power and ego trip that goes along with being the dumper. While they might not have feelings for their ex they like leaving them in the dust and then having them pine over them. Another thing is that when the dumpee gets over it and moves on the dumper often regains interest again especially if the dumpee ends up dating another person.
sandflea Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I think it's totally about control. When you get dumped, even if you think it's for the best, you've just seen someone else take charge. In my situation, my ex was always trying to dictate the path that the relationship would take, and in general control how things proceeded. I resented it, and over time that resentment led up to the final end. I made the move. Now, she's still attempting to control the situation by playing with my emotions. I mean, I'm not a freakin light switch, I obviously still have feelings for her - and she knows this, so she uses it. My situation prevents me from doing NC, so I still have to work with her to maintain the house, pay the mortgage, etc. But occassionally her true feelings break through. The rage, and heartbreak, and frustration and shame. They are the true motivations for trying to regain control. It's manipulation, pure and simple, and you really have to pay attention to what's going on, lest you get played. Of course, she's already dating, and bringing him around. It's everything I can do to stay above it all. SF
starlite Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I think sometimes the dumper is worried if they made the right decision or not. When they feel this confusion they want to make sure the dumpee is still there, within arms reach, just in case they change there mind.
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I think sometimes the dumper is worried if they made the right decision or not. When they feel this confusion they want to make sure the dumpee is still there, within arms reach, just in case they change there mind. This is true sometimes.
Author Haohmaru Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 More thoughts on leashes? I can think of good ways they can be used, too.
BalancenLuv20 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I was the DUMPER and I feel like I was the one on the leash. It can go either way in my opinion. I told the ex to leave me alone and wanted to go NC right away, but she absolutely insisted on being my friend and said it would really kill things down the road. She was vague about what that meant, so I began to think the idea of getting back together was a possibility. She kept me on the leash, not wanting to engage in too much convo, just wanted to keep tabs make sure I was ok "u have a gf?" stuff like that, very frustrating. She got over me quick, i told her cant talk for a while calls me 3 weeks later to see how i am, then calls me a week later crying on the phone about her family saying no one else was there. And I gave into that crap...she said she wanted to see me and hang out again...i figured she was serious about being in my life again...then I didn't hear from her for several days I told her what's the deal she said she'd call the next day she never did...call her next day shes with her bf my plans for the day were ruined told her off...similar situation happened again just recently and that's when I decided to go NC permanently...enough is enough I was extremely arrogant to ignore all the obvious signs, but I finally escaped from her wrath and now I am gone...
Author Haohmaru Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 That's awesome, Balance. I only hope others learn from your story. I hope that I never fall victim. Women can be cruel, and they know exactly what they're doing.
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