Is it possible? EA to PA to back to "Just Friends"?

Here's a hypothetical for you.

Let's say you have a work friend that you end up getting involved with emotionally (we'll assume for the sake of this discussion that both parties are married), but plan to never take it any farther than that. Let's say, however, one evening at the company party you are overcome with the sexual tension that has existed between you and the work friend and you end up having a quickie with your work EA in the back room (everyone is amply protected and clean, so no worries about STDs or pregnancy). But it only happens ONE time.

To the best of your knowledge, NO ONE else in the company is aware of the sexual exchange, although your budding friendship with this person has been out in plain view for all to witness.

After it happens, you have some cursory and uncomfortable exchanges with this person about what a mistake it was and how it will never happen again, and how it's an absolute mandate to return to nothing but a strict professional relationship. Both parties (ostensibly) agree to this set of rules.

Can these two people ever go back to just being "friends"?

Why or why not?

I definitely have my own opinion on this, but I'm interested in hearing others' opinions and any personal experiences, if you so desire.

I say no. Would be way too awkward, friendship in any real sense would be impossible. Let's be friends, but avoid each other?

I've never even once actually seen anybody go back to 'just friends' in a legitimate relationship, let alone a 'secret fling'. I don't know if it's really possible, so it seems to me it would be a mistake even trying.

I think you'd be much more likely to recover from a ONS if you hadn't had an EA going on already. Sex can be 'just sex', but if you were already emotionally involved AND you had sex, how are you going to put that genie back in the bottle? It seems to me that there will be too many unresolved feelings which will lead to awkwardness and make any true friendship impossible. You'd be better off just going back to a strictly professional relationship with no personal interaction whatsoever.

Let's say, however, one evening at the company party you are overcome with the sexual tension that has existed between you and the work friend and you end up having a quickie with your work EA in the back room (everyone is amply protected and clean, so no worries about STDs or pregnancy). But it only happens ONE time.

You did WHAT at the company party?

You can go back to just bieng friends... but it's something both parties will have to really really want... and you have to be prepared for more slip ups down the road.

The bigger question is.... Should they continue to be married to thier respective spouses?

Ok, Cobra.

Of course, this doesn't condone affairs and cheating.

I think pretty much everyone can agree on such.

That was not the point I was trying to illustrate, and I really don't want this discussion to end up another (of a multitude, already) thread of personal attacks and black and white arguing about the validity (or lack thereof) of affairs.

My point is, once that kind of line is crossed, can you ever really go back? Can you undo that kind of (what seems to me to be inevitable) emotional entanglement that goes along with consummating a relationship in a sexual way?

Frankly, I just don't see it being possible. At least not for me. I think if I truly felt some sort of emotional connection to someone, and then there was a sexual encounter, I would never be able to go back to there not being some sort of emotional connection beyond a platonic friendship.

I guess it's possible but ONLY IF both people do their best to detach, and not put themselves IN a situation again where something could happen. Even then, the friendship will never be the same again, as the lines were crossed.

Mustang, In my case, 15 years into a 25 year marriage my ex had a 3 month affair with a co-worker (I didn't find out about it "for sure" until after the marriage dissolved). He and his wife and 3 kids lived three blocks away from us. My ex told me she was "car pooling" to work with him. During this time, he NEVER drove, she drove him in the family station wagon.

The affair "ended" and they went back to being "friends" when his wife found out about the affair and forced him to move 1000 miles away. The wife was a lot smarter than me.

Once the line was crossed.

Why? Because if you remove the guilt, the two people enjoyed the sexual encounter.

One day a reason to forget the guilt will occur again. I'm thinking it would be at another company function.

Face it, once the membranes have touched, friendship is over between two people married to others.

You did WHAT at the company party?

Gosh Mustang, who'da thunk? Just kidding.

Can these two people ever go back to just being "friends"?

Why or why not?

IMO, no - not because of the sex (per se) - but because it happened at work. You have to rub elbows with these people every day, 5 days a week, and everybody's working for their bread-n-butter. There's a powerful group dynamic going on. When two (or more) parties introduce actual sex into it, it changes the group dynamic. And I have NEVER seen that be a good thing.

you are overcome with the sexual tension that has existed between you and the work friend

Sexual tension can actually be a good thing in the workplace... as long as you "keep it in its place" and realize it doesn't mean a damn thing. When you start thinking about it - AT ALL - that's when the trouble starts.

To the best of your knowledge, NO ONE else in the company is aware of the sexual exchange, although your budding friendship with this person has been out in plain view for all to witness.

Ha ha, keep on dreamin'... They know. Trust me on this one.

Sex can be 'just sex', but if you were already emotionally involved AND you had sex, how are you going to put that genie back in the bottle? It seems to me that there will be too many unresolved feelings which will lead to awkwardness and make any true friendship impossible. You'd be better off just going back to a strictly professional relationship with no personal interaction whatsoever.

Amen, amen, amen! You (in the general sense) might be able to pull it off in your personal life, but it just doesn't fly in a professional environment.

I guess it's possible but ONLY IF both people do their best to detach, and not put themselves IN a situation again where something could happen. Even then, the friendship will never be the same again, as the lines were crossed.

I agree with you Whichway.

AP:)

Amen, amen, amen! You (in the general sense) might be able to pull it off in your personal life, but it just doesn't fly in a professional environment.

Definately. People at work LOOK for stuff like this too! You give them a reason to gossip, they will gossip!

Ok, Cobra.

Of course, this doesn't condone affairs and cheating.

I think pretty much everyone can agree on such.

 

That was not the point I was trying to illustrate, and I really don't want this discussion to end up another (of a multitude, already) thread of personal attacks and black and white arguing about the validity (or lack thereof) of affairs.

 

My point is, once that kind of line is crossed, can you ever really go back? Can you undo that kind of (what seems to me to be inevitable) emotional entanglement that goes along with consummating a relationship in a sexual way?

 

Frankly, I just don't see it being possible. At least not for me. I think if I truly felt some sort of emotional connection to someone, and then there was a sexual encounter, I would never be able to go back to there not being some sort of emotional connection beyond a platonic friendship.

Well, since it's a "hypothetical" , I can tell you that it is possible but rare.

If during or following the sexual encounter they found something about one another that made them incompatible, then I feel that they could turn those kinds of emotions off. Example... lets say he has an eeeny teeny weenie, and he finds out she has a hairy chest... maybe austin powers hairy. Both things not previously known, and overlooked in the heat of the moment.

However, I think we all know that if one can turn off thier feelings, that would actually generate more feeling on the part of the other person... thus rejection syndrome disaster. It has to be mutual.

Or, go complete NC for afew years and then try to renew the friendship as PLATONIC only and NEVER talk about the roll in the hay.

I guess it's possible but ONLY IF both people do their best to detach, and not put themselves IN a situation again where something could happen. Even then, the friendship will never be the same again, as the lines were crossed.

I have to say, WWIU. This was not the answer I expected from you. I definitely agree that the friendship will never be the same again regardless of the circumstances.

I can tell you from my present situation, I'm thinking this is highly unlikely. At one time I thought it might be, but short of both parties realizing their total incompatibility, as someone said above, I'm not thinking it can happen. Really what is the cance of that anyway. At the very least, it would be totally miserable for the party that has not realized that incompatibility. For that party if the other slips up for any reason, it would make it even more miserable and perhaps even devastating.

The problem is that it is very difficult to know how to act because you don't hate the other person. You can try to act indifferent and remain professional, but you feel uncomfortable doing that as well, because it's not real either.

Better off having no contact what-so-ever. If that's not possible, I have found that it is basically a miserable situation to be in. Perhaps a pennance of some sort.

I have to say, WWIU. This was not the answer I expected from you. I definitely agree that the friendship will never be the same again regardless of the circumstances.

Yup, weird answer by me, but because this question was hypothetical, I didn't give it too much thought.

It is very unfair to the BS's involved to have the affair partners still be friends, even if enough time has passed and feelings are long gone. By then I figure, what's the point of the friendship anyway.

Well, since it's a "hypothetical" , I can tell you that it is possible but rare.

You're not accusing me of anything...are you?

<gasp>

If during or following the sexual encounter they found something about one another that made them incompatible, then I feel that they could turn those kinds of emotions off. Example... lets say he has an eeeny teeny weenie, and he finds out she has a hairy chest... maybe austin powers hairy. Both things not previously known, and overlooked in the heat of the moment.

Does it have to be a physical incompatibility?

However, I think we all know that if one can turn off thier feelings, that would actually generate more feeling on the part of the other person... thus rejection syndrome disaster. It has to be mutual.

Oh, baby.

I think you are on to something here.

Tell me about this "rejection syndrome disaster," if you please.

Seriously.

Do tell.

I dunno. I kind of want to say yes they can. Because I do talk to my OM from my first marriage every now and then. Rarely. Yet there is no attraction there whatsoever and I would NEVER EVER EVER get myself back into a situation like that.

If there is still sexual tension and attraction on even the part of one of those people I say no.

You're not accusing me of anything...are you?<gasp>

LOL... I'm not accusing so much as your confessing!

Does it have to be a physical incompatibility?

No, but it allows me to talk about tiny wieners and hairy breasts!

Oh, baby.

:eek:I think you are on to something here.

Tell me about this "rejection syndrome disaster," if you please.

Seriously.

Do tell.

Look, there are lots of different types of rejection. Complete rejection typically turns people off. Partial rejections often create a competative response.

It's about how we are internally wired to percieve value in others. I really think that there is some part of us that instinctually gravitates towards hierarchy in our social structure. Think about that and it's implications.

I think it depends on how it ends.....if you say it ended and they both realized it was a mistake and it will not happen again, NO you cannot be friends again, too weird. Also, I have read and have heard once your are intimate with someone and it ends, there is nothing really left to talk about and it feel funny.

Look at MattyM's thread. He is living proof it fell weird after the fact.

I believe that even if you have an EA with someone and it ends, you nornally cannot remain close or friends. Just my opinion !

Look at my H, he never talks to her now, but they were talking all day long for months....wonder why, because they have nothing to talk about. I am sure the conversations were flowing easily back then, it was about them, now nothing ! Too weird ! If they were not having and EA, why stop talking now?

LET me get this straight a person who's married, has an affair with another person, then still wants to be friends with them, after the affair is over, and still want to stay with their spoueses??????

What the F**K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is so disrespectful that the person become's a priority in your life in either way! Imagine if my girl became friends with the person she F-ed on the side. I kick that dumb chick to the curb!!!! I would not care if we was married!

What the F!!!!

I would break that fool's face as well!

NC mean's NC!!!!

Your only putting yourself in the position of having another affair if things start to go bad again. And also why arent you taking your spouses feelings into consideration? That is so trifling!!!

I would be gone!

LET me get this straight a person who's married, has an affair with another person, then still wants to be friends with them, after the affair is over, and still want to stay with their spoueses??????

 

What the F**K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

That is so disrespectful that the person become's a priority in your life in either way! Imagine if my girl became friends with the person she F-ed on the side. I kick that dumb chick to the curb!!!! I would not care if we was married!

 

What the F!!!!

 

I would break that fool's face as well!

 

NC mean's NC!!!!

 

Your only putting yourself in the position of having another affair if things start to go bad again. And also why arent you taking your spouses feelings into consideration? That is so trifling!!!

 

I would be gone!

So Mr. Barracuda. Tell us how you really feel.

I don't think the question was centered on whether it was a good idea or respectful to their spouse, but more about if it is possible.

Look, there are lots of different types of rejection. Complete rejection typically turns people off. Partial rejections often create a competative response.

OK, please eloborate on "partial rejections often create a competitive response". I'm not sure what you mean.

It's about how we are internally wired to percieve value in others. I really think that there is some part of us that instinctually gravitates towards hierarchy in our social structure. Think about that and it's implications.

This is actually very interesting. To think about not only what part this plays in affairs, but all relationships be it with someone of the same or opposite sex.

So Mr. Barracuda. Tell us how you really feel.

 

I don't think the question was centered on whether it was a good idea or respectful to their spouse, but more about if it is possible.

LOL

Hell no it isnt possible!!!!!

I wouldnt be there to find out because she would be on her own!!!

LET me get this straight a person who's married, has an affair with another person, then still wants to be friends with them, after the affair is over, and still want to stay with their spoueses??????

 

What the F**K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

That is so disrespectful that the person become's a priority in your life in either way! Imagine if my girl became friends with the person she F-ed on the side. I kick that dumb chick to the curb!!!! I would not care if we was married!

 

What the F!!!!

 

I would break that fool's face as well!

 

NC mean's NC!!!!

 

Your only putting yourself in the position of having another affair if things start to go bad again. And also why arent you taking your spouses feelings into consideration? That is so trifling!!!

 

I would be gone!

My exH and I didn't stay married, which is why it's not disrespectful to him.

He contacts me maybe once every 3 months.

My current H knows that he calls me and it isn't a problem with him. He knows that I would never go there again.

And I wouldn't. It was too painful for me. Affairs are alot of work, messy and painful- which is why I would never have another one- with him or not with him.