not sure if alcoholic?

[MakeLemonade]

Here is some additional info. I don't know why, but it feels hard to write about for some reason. The reason I am now wondering is due to a conversation I had with my therapist a couple of days ago. A few months ago he called in the afternoon responding to my email to set up an appointment and wanted to have it that afternoon instead of the following day and I agreed but i had been drinking already. I thought it was a little bit and he wouldn't notice but it became obvious I was intoxicated. He never brought it up but a couple days ago he asked about my drinking and I ended up arguing with him about it and the more I told him it wasn't a problem he kept asking more and more questions.

 

Basically when I do drink, it has to be until I get drunk or pass out. A couple of times I have woken up to find broken things and stuff turned over that I don't even remember or throw up on the floor i don't remember happening. The thing is I can stop whenever I want and I dono't have to have a drink. I don't get a craving like people describe, but instead make a decision to drink. I got mad the therapist turned it into a conversation and it made me feel bad like he was wasting his time on an issue i have control over. I still function and do my work and just like some people might eat a lot sometimes, what's the difference if instead I choose to drink a lot sometimes whenever I want to without a craving like for coffee or food some people have. It helps me cope with my problems and I see it as a positive thing even so I am just asking to find out of the T is trying to make an issue out of nothing.

 

It's hard to write about it because it is hard to face.

 

If it HAS to be until you are drunk & pass out, that says more than just "I might drink too much"

 

Not remembering breaking things, throwing up, blacking out in essence. Huge flag. This is not a conscious choice. This is something you are compelled to do.

 

You can stop anytime? Are you sure about that? You don't crave alcohol but make a "decision" to drink? What causes you to make that decision?

 

Please re-read this post of yours. Over and over and over.

 

And get some help, with this update it is very clear to me that you need it. I know it is hard to admit there may be a problem. Don't wait until you do something in a blackout that harms you or someone else. Don't wait till you wake up and there is blood all over the floor where you smacked your head on the corner of a table or something.

 

You need to at least discover why you drink to such excess. I know you probably also LIKE to drink, and saying you are an alcoholic would be the end of that, as you see it. That is scary I know. I can't imagine never having a drink again, a toast at Christmas, a couple cocktails on a Saturday night. I would miss all of it terribly. I also sometimes wonder if I drink too much, but I don't ever black out, I drink till drunk on occasion but less and less as I get older and never falling down sloppy drunk. I did enough of that in my 20's - the shots, the puking, no thank you. Even then it was on the weekends in the context of out with friends, the consummate party girl. I am too old for all that now.

 

I don't know how old you are so it is hard to know what context to put this advice in, but definitely, and at LEAST explore with your therapist the reasons why you may drink, when you drink, to such excess. There are all kinds of possibilities, repressed memories, family issues, lots of things it could be, they can help you maybe get to the bottom of it without having to step foot in an AA meeting or stop drinking forever.

 

Though that ultimately may be what it takes - at least try find out why and you can worry about the rest later.

[Always Wrong]

Ok Fun2BeMe, I swore I'd never tell my story again, I've been consealing myself for many years. Here's a little of it. Because you asked that question, and you sound young, I would not forgive myself for not speaking up.

 

Hi, my name is K, and I'm an alcoholic/drug addict. I'm 51 yr's old, and have been sober for 10yrs. I used to drink and/or mix drugs of all kinds. I did not drink because I liked the taste. I drank to get drunk and used/abused drugs to get high. It was all about the effect.

 

I rationalized my behavior (said I didn't have a problem) by only "partying" (thats what we called it back in the late 60s too, some things never change) on the weekends. The blackouts came when I was much younger. I didn't know my limitations yet. The addiction got worse after I became familiar with them,(my limitations and the drugs/alcohol I was using).

 

The familiarity gave me a false sense of control. I became a functional addict very quickly. My strong sense of obligation to be productive drove me to drag myself out of bed no matter how bad I felt, not take a drink and get to work (thanks dad). Sometimes I only had 2 or 3hrs sleep. My job didn't require I work in close quarters with anyone. I was always traveling, so I got away with it.

 

I told myself I wasn't an alcoholic or a drug addict/abuser. I just said I like to drink and/or catch a buzz.

 

This story could go on for months, recalling all of the stupid things I did (I called them adventures back then). I never had children. I was never morally corrupt/decadent. I limited my relationships to women who were just like me. Party girls if you like. I made an ungodly good living, so I had all the friends money could buy! Ha... what a sad existence in retrospect.

 

The worst part of that entire waste of time and money, was that I wasn't growing emotionally. The coping skills I should have been developing back then, ie. not responding to rudeness etc., were put in check. When I confronted rudeness, I would most likely bust their teeth out of their head before another word was spoken.

 

I can't tell you how much I regret the time I lost, the loss of growing spiritually, the loss of emotional stability without violence... just the loss of valuable time I could have been using to help someone.

 

I derive a great deal of pleasure helping people I don't know and will never see again, in the course of my work now. I give most of my time away. It's my penance.

 

I know I can't buy my way into Heaven or out of Hell, but time is all I have. It's all any of us have. What I choose to do with it, the words I grow into using, the way I present myself to others, what others think of me, is really all I am to them. And what God thinks of me (if you believe, and some don't, and that's ok) is all I am to Him, and these two things together are what I am to myself.

 

Your local AA Chapters are full of people like me. They stay sober any way they can and do wonderful things privately. If you try AA and you don't feel a connection, try another one. There's lots of them.

 

To this day I have trouble controlling my anger because I failed to grow emotionally for so long. All I can do anymore is just walk away. I just don't have the coping skills to deal with some things. These emotional deficiencies manifest themselves in many different areas of our lives and capabilities where emotional maturity is required.

 

I don't know if any of that helped. It's just about me and that's all I have to offer. I can't tell you about you. That's the growth and discovery I missed out on... learning about myself when I was young.

 

Take care Fun2BeMe,

K. aka...Always Wrong

 

PS, If this doesn't make any sense now, read it again in 30 years and it will.

Edited February 14, 2008 by Always Wrong
PS

[whichwayisup]

Fun, you're self medicating for a reason. I bet you can go back in time and see when all this started...

[sumdude]

I've been drinking lately but know I could stop whenever I want to. I just don't want to right now. How does someone deterine at what point someone is an alcoholic? Is it only if they have to have a drink the morning because that is not the case with me at all.

 

I don't know... Art Critic and I have had a few exchanges about this subject.

 

One thing that is true, they call alcoholism a progressive disease/disorder. Most don't take one drink and just become full blown, need shot in the morning to wake up drinkers right away. A few do go straight to the all day every day stage.

 

Usually? One day you're a teenager gettin' wasted once a month or so... then you're in college and the dorm parties get a little busier. You're in your 20's going out 2 - 3 times a week and it's fun. You're 30, dealing with life's pressures and having a couple to a few every day to "calm your nerves and get away for a bit." One day you're 40, dealing with major stresses and losses in life, a divorce, bad marriage whatever, next thing you know the guy at the liquor store knows you by name since you're there every other day... still you go to work and maintain a life .. sorta.. So when do youe become an 'alcoholic'? Does it matter what you call it if it becomes a problem? No one likes to be labeled... especially me... how does alcohol addict or problem drinker sound?

 

At what point are you an alcoholic? The physical addiction takes time to really develop, your tolerance builds over time. Some drinkers stay at a certain stage a few others keep ramping up to the end result... death by liver failure.

 

I've struggled with drinking... sometimes I still do. At one point in my life for a year or two I drank like an alcoholic...not in the morning but the second I came home so then I must be one right? I could be called a controlled or functional alcoholic?... Fact is I have one of those addictive personalities. So did my dad, my brother my sister and even my mom... From the outside you'd never really know though.

 

If you drink to get drunk and pass out forgetting things that happen... you may not be there yet but you definitely have the makings to become an alcoholic if you're not careful. It only gets harder as you get older and more into the drinking..

Edited March 17, 2008 by sumdude