maggiemel24 Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Three days ago i found out that my fiance of a year was lying to me about his job. He got fired and was to ashamed to tell me so he hid it for almost a year. We do not live together so when he was saying he was going to his job he was working with a family memeber for a little source of income. I paid most of his bills for a year, and I worked two jobs. I asked him numerous times to get another job and he said he couldnt because it would comflict with "his job". It was 7mths before the wedding and he broke down and told me, he said he thought he wld bounce right back with another great job, and get caught up before the wedding. I asked why he lied and he said he just got caught up in a lie and was very ashamed of what my family would think of him. After finding this out I got scared and cancelled the wedding. We decided to end things partly because my family will not allow him to come to my house (i live at home) and because I felt he had betrayed me. He told me he was going to take a year to focus on himself with a new career, and cleaning up his finances. I dont know if i just gave up to soon or should I work with him to get his life together...mind you he is 27 and should have a stable career. I am very scared he just has no ambition. I do believe people change but its scary to give him that chance again. Since this has happened he has told me he can only focus on himself right now and he does not know what will happen in the future but if im still single and things work out he would like to be with me, but as of right now he cannot be with me. I am really confused but i am having a hard time letting go because i want to fight for him (he just isnt with me). I know part of him is giving up because my family has got involved and scared him away to think he will never be accepted. I am an adult and i told him that they are just upset but i agreed that they need to mind their own business. If anyone has any advice of what i slould do please help. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 He deceived you about something pretty important for an entire year. That's not the kind of guy who is ready to commit to being a 'team' with you in a marriage. Geez, he led a whole double life and you didn't know! Best advice is to let him do what he has proposed. Maybe when he gets his act together, you two can sort it out, but I don't know if you should just forget that he deceived you like that. HUGE red flag. How old are you and why do you live with your parents? It might be a good idea for you to get out there and get your own place - gain some independence before giving up your independence to a marriage... Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 As usual I totally agree with norajane - this is a huge thing for him to hide, however there are some points in your post that don't make sense to me. 1. why were you paying most of his bills if you two don't live together and you thought he was employed? 2. perhaps the fact that you canceled the wedding, and broke up, in response to his fessing up only confirmed the fears that caused him to hide his unemployment in the first place. While I could not have moved forward with the wedding, I think I would have tried to work with the guy to see if the situation could be turned around - at least I would do so if I loved him. 3. you are 27 years old - your parents have no business making your SO feel worse than he already does. While I totally understand they want what is best for you - and an umemployed husband would not be the best - they need to support however YOU choose to handle this!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author maggiemel24 Posted February 9, 2008 Author Share Posted February 9, 2008 (edited) We both are 27, we has some joints bills such as a cc, his car and car insurance. I payed everytime we went out and gave him money here and there for little things. I really wanted to postpone the wedding and give him the chance to prove himself. It is very true why he did keep this from from because he did ask my a few times how i would feel if he got another job and i freaked because of the wedding coming up and having to buy a house. I know his lieswere because of my families pressures, and my exspectations of having a good paying job, but i always reminded him that I would always be there for him amd support him if he really needed to switch jobs. I def need to move out and gain independence and not have my family plan my future. Edited February 9, 2008 by maggiemel24 Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 Moving out is certainly the easiest way to take control, but if there are reasons for staying, financial or others, then you can still take control of your life. You just have to break the habit of allowing them to treat you like a child. My parents did not like my b/f for the longest time. I finally advised them that they were welcome to an opinion, and were welcome to share it with me, in private - and if they could not treat my b/f civilly than it was their choice to see far less of me, because I choose to spend my free time with him. Again this is easier for me because I live on my own - but you can set ground rules while still living with them. I hit the wall on living with my parents when I was 21 - I had moved back after school to save money before moving back out on my own. I only lasted 4 months and then HAD to get out - but everyone is different. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 We both are 27, we has some joints bills such as a cc, his car and car insurance. I payed everytime we went out and gave him money here and there for little things. I really wanted to postpone the wedding and give him the chance to prove himself. It is very true why he did keep this from from because he did ask my a few times how i would feel if he got another job and i freaked because of the wedding coming up and having to buy a house. I know his lieswere because of my families pressures, and my exspectations of having a good paying job, but i always reminded him that I would always be there for him amd support him if he really needed to switch jobs. I def need to move out and gain independence and not have my family plan my future. Well maggie, I can tell you from personal experience, giving him time to sort things out might be the greatest move of your life, or it could be a gigantic waste of your time. You should base that descision on how you feel about him, not his money, or his job. Also, does he lie about little stuff? That would indicate he is a liar in general. Otherwise, it was more than likely the embarrassment and pressure. Truth, there was a time when I failed. I didn't seem ambitious, my future looked bleak. I ditched my fiance because she couldnt handle it. She didnt want me... she wanted the future I represented. After 2 years of searching... I found a career, and I have done extremely well. She went on to marry a guy for his money. I make more than him, and I'm also a good person. Seems to be a rare combo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author maggiemel24 Posted February 9, 2008 Author Share Posted February 9, 2008 i def am trying to make my decision on how i feel about him but its so hard because i am very career driven where since i have met him his work history has been horrible. He can be a hard worker when he applies himself however he would rather use all his days off plus more, where i never miss work and take my job very seriously. I guess i was just hoping he would grow up and work hard in his career to get us prepared for our future. Also i constantly question how someone can sit around for 9 mths without trying to get a job to help a little esp watching me work two jobs and complain to him how he needed to step up because i was exhausted. I am very concerned about his work ethics and how he blames everyone but himself (past family life...no support or guidance) for why he is not motivated . Link to post Share on other sites
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