sveltskye Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 My first boyfriend just broke up with me yesterday. It was such a shock and I am absolutely devastated. We were together for six months and he's the first guy I've truly been in love with. I was so crazy about him, but I guess I overwhelmed him because he claimed that we were bringing out the bad in eachother- he was worried that I was too dependent on him and relied on him too much for my personal happiness. Which I could see he had a point. I was practically living at his house and spending all my time with him. He felt like I got moody regardless of what he did, which wasn't strictly true. I had been worried because he was looking at other girls' profiles on messageboards and stuff, and I was feeling insecure about it. I even started crying one night and I asked him if he was happy with me, which he reassured me yes he was "Would I be here if not?". Then, sure enough, a couple weeks later he's breaking up with me, claiming that he was fantasizing about other girls, which he thought was a sign that he wasn't happy with me. He felt smothered. The thing is, he never told me any of these things. He never gave me a chance to work on anything, like my moods and stuff, but instead assumed that was "how I was" and that we were incompatible. He just gave up on me. He was sobbing when he broke up with me, and said it was the hardest thing he had ever done. He was insistent that he wanted to be friends. However, he also said "I hate to say this, but I'll probably get over this in a week because that's how long it took me to get over my cat dying." How tactless is that? How could he have been festering all these things inside them and I didn't even know? I've been crying all day. I feel so sad.
becauseofyou Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 I'm sorry to hear how sad you are feeling. That was a pretty insensitive comment about how long it will take him to get over it. How long had you two been together?
Author sveltskye Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 We were together for six months. Yeah, that comment was pretty dumb, but he's a really tactless person at times. I know he was upset because he was sobbing the whole time and kept apologizing though. I don't know, maybe it's true but I'd like to think that I meant more to him than that. I was his first girlfriend.
Belkin Posted February 6, 2008 Posted February 6, 2008 So that means he considers you as important as his cat ? You were just a pet for him? It's really weird that he wanted to break up yet cried while telling you... I know what you feel like, been there 2 weeks ago, still am suffering hell...
Author sveltskye Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 (edited) Yeah, I talked to several people who thought that was strange too that he cried. He cried and I didn't! Of course, that's because I was in shock, but it was very strange because he was really upset and I actually felt the urge to comfort him. So I told him all these really nice things like what a great guy he was and how happy he had made me. And I hugged him, we hugged eachother tight for a long time, and then he kissed me on the mouth, and I was like "What are you kissing me for!" I think one the issues was that he was afraid of cheating on me like his father did to his mom, so he broke up with me at the first sign that he was getting restless. He said "At least I broke up with you before I cheated on you, which is more than I can say for my father". So I told him that that had taken a lot of courage and he was a better man than his father. He obviously felt very guilty because he apologized to me like 50 times, saying "I'm sorry to devastate you like this!" And I was like "I'm not devastated! Do I look devastated? You seem pretty devestated yourself!", which was pretty strange but like I said, I was in shock. We agreed to be friends pretty easily. He seemed very enthusiastic about it, saying "I don't want to break the family tradition", because my sister has always been very close to her exes. I know he cares about me and wanted to leave on good terms. I didn't take the cat comment to mean like I was a pet to him. The reason the cat comparison bothered me wasn't that he compared me to his pet because he is absolutely obsessed with his cats, like, literally obsessed. He dotes on them and talks about them constantly. It more bothered me that he said it would take such a short time for him to get over me period. Its terrible, isn't it Belkin? How are you dealing 2 weeks in? I have basically been listening to music, crying, and talking to people constantly about it. My phone bill is going to be enormous this month. I went to the mall the day after and all the songs were playing were like a soundtrack of what had happened! "When will I be loved" by Linda Ronstadt came on, and then "Linger" by the Cranberries, and another one about breaking up, don't know the name. It was kind of sad but funny. And then we found a shirt that had a rib cage with a broken heart in it, so my friend had to buy that for me. Edited February 7, 2008 by sveltskye
Belkin Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 (edited) Well I'll love to comfort you and say it gets better fast, but no, sorry, it doesn't... (at least for me). It's a slow painful process, one day you'll feel as though you're truely over and suddenly bam! you start crying again and feel as if back to day one... If you want to follow my situation I wrote pretty much regularly in this thread : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t143084/ If I can give you one piece of advice, it's get occupied, do stuff, whatever it is. The pain most often comes back when you're doing nothing in your room. And be thankful your ex bf had the courage to breakup when he sensed he was starting to look elsewhere, my ex gf did not, lied to me about the breakup, and I had to find out the hard way she had actually been thinking about someone else Oh, and write your thoughts down on this forum, it really helps. I haven't found a friend who's lived the same situation as me, so it's quite hard to talk to them truely, they just don't understand. LS is really helping me right now, I'd be so much more devasted without all the support I get from here. Good luck, it won't be easy, but hopefully in a few weeks we'll both be past it... BTW, I've got a temporary MSN address lingering over here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1515952#post1515952 That was before I read the guidelines about posting a contact address, but I guess pointing to it once the harm is done is ok (or is it not?) Edited February 7, 2008 by Belkin
Author sveltskye Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 I had my first dream about him last night. I was at some kind of camping trip or something, walking through a crowd with his friends, whom I had met through him. And I felt fine, was just being casual with them and we were making a point to be friendly to eachother and everything. And I saw his head in the crowd and I processed "i can't talk to him now" and he felt so far away. But it felt unfinished, like I was like "he's inaccessible... for now". I don't know what that means. It wasn't particularily painful, but I don't know if I've quite grasped subconsciously that its over forever. It seems so arbitrary and it wasn't like the kind of breakup that felt like we'd totally fallen out of love or anything. At least, I know he was still caring about me a lot in some fashion... we were dancing at a club like 4 days before the breakup and we have these adorable pictures of us dancing and kissing on the dance floor. And he did sob when he was breaking up with me. I don't know if I've subconsciously accepted that its totally over. It'll probably sink in with time.
stayc208 Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 I just recently had a heartbreak myself. I dated this man for a year and a half of my life. We decided to take a break at the beginning of December, but right before Christmas we rekindled and kept things at a slow pace. I have given him space and just this past Saturday he comes to me and says that he was thinking about the priesthood and exclaimed that he believes every good Catholic man should look into it. Great. So I'm giving him his space and it sucks because he still wants to be friends. I do to and am willing to be friends, but I have decided that maybe as a goal right now I should not contact him for a week and see how things are going after that. He still acts the same around me as we did before when we've hung out the past couple days. What hard about it is that during the first break he said that all he could think about was me and that had never happened when he broke up with a girl. And I also know that he isn't dating around, which is comforting. But how do I go on with everything in life? He would comfort me through everything in life and was always there to talk to. Everything reminds me of him. I wake up so anxious in the morning from the dreams I had of him previously. Am I still able to keep that friendship or should I just move on and forget him? I know I need to move on and that if he is in my life a year from now then great, but right now I need to focus on myself and stay busy!!
Author sveltskye Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Aw, that's an unfortunate situation, stacy. I understand what you mean about seeing signs of him everywhere. I went downtown where we walked all the time, every day, and I felt so sad. Then I listened to a song that we used to dance to at 80s night all the time and I cried so hard. I understand about the comforting thing too. He was the one I would go to when I was upset and what can I do now- call him up and be like "I'm so sad, this jerk broke up with me!" LOL. He was so comforting and kind to me, even to the end. I don't know how you go about being friends in this situation. I know that one of my biggest comforts right now is thinking about us having a caring friendship, but I'm afraid I'm going to end up being the one being hurt when he moves on. I had the worst day today. I found out that I wasn't accepted into the art program at my school, and then I got a flat tire. I felt so emotionally drained and lost. My pattern is completely messed up because I always hung out with him. We were together everyday- I slept at his house, I'd go to his house every day after school, and now I don't quite know what to do with myself. I feel so aimless and alone, and I constantly worry that I'm doing the right thing for myself. I've been sleeping at my old house, because the people there are like my surrogate family, and I never really felt like my new house became home because I started sleeping at my boyfriend's house all the time. I'm afraid of feeling alone and being alone, and not having anything to do and being stuck with my thoughts. The only thing that makes me feel better is talking about the break up, and him, and hearing people's insights.
stayc208 Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 it helps to know that in the end you learned some kind of lesson and that if they are in your life a year from now then you should be thankful. I know this is so soon, but I'm taking this time to be selfish and focus on me. I'm not looking for a relationship, but I'm going to go do things for myself that I wouldn't have done when I was with him. I'm also going to try to find my faith and let God lead me through this tough situation. I went home for the weekend and that really helped. I didn't feel as anxious when I woke up this morning. Surround yourself with a good support system. I know you feel emotionally drained, as do I, but get out there and try to work out. Or just talk to people, not necessarily about the breakup, but get your mind off of things. Also try to listen to Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway album. That killed the pain momentarily. And you know that deep down you're a better person without them. I was in your same situation in which I would sleep over there and hang out with them a lot, but had recently learned to give him more space so I was becoming more independent. I know that the day I see he writes single on that facebook profile is the day I'm gonna lose it, but until then I'm just taking it day by day. Tomorrow is a new day and one more day gone. Keep a positive attitude. Plus I gathered up all his clothes and everything and put it somewhere I will never look and if he wants them he can come get them from me... !
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