Commitment Phobia

[NatoPMT]

You could seek counselling but therapists are rarely able turn this syndrome around, even if they get to the core issues that got a person there.

 

Tony - do you know why this is?

 

Thanks BB

[Dinny]

Johan, I could've cried when I read your thread.............I can relate so well to what you are talking to. I have just spent 1 1/2 years with a commitment phobic and I don't know whether it was brave of me or not but I finally ended it about a month ago.

 

I think for your sake you should do the same with your girlfriend. I know how hard and painful it seems to do it but you seem like such a great guy who has tried everything to help your girlfriend on the road to commitment and it has got you nowhere. I feel the same.

 

I spent the most fantastic 6 months of my life with my boyfriend, we had been friends for years and then finally decided to get it together. We have so much in common, liked the same things, enjoyed doing the same things I was sure that he was the one for me.........and still do!

 

Then, 6 months into the relationship out of the blue he tells me "he needs time out and some space to see where he is going with this" after 10 tortuous days of hearing nothing from him he finally decided it was time to talk.

 

He told me that he felt I wasn't giving 100% to the relationship and it was preventing him from moving any deeper with me. At the time I thought it was me and started giving more of myself and things were fine for a while and then when we were getting really close and deeper without any warning this time.....he took off again. He didn't contact me for a week, ignored my text messages and phone calls.....I was in absolute bits!

 

He came back again and I was just so grateful to have him back because I loved him so much and we carried on. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the next 6 months were fraught with him making little comments about my friends, the way I dressed the things I needed to do to improve ME. I kept telling him how great and wonderful etc etc he was to bill up his self confidence as he was a very insecure person and had had a terrible upbringing. He seemed to be getting more confident although I felt alittle down but couldn't understand why?

 

We went to the Canary Islands for a holiday and had the most unbelievable time together and I came back so happy and inlove with him again. As we parted the night we got back we cried together about leaving each other and I thought....thank God! we're finally on the right track...........and what happened the very next day?..........he disappeared again for another week........no phone calls, e mails, text messages nothing! I was in bits.

 

we yo yo'd like this until just before Christmas when I was a total mess, didn't know whether I was coming or going, breaking my heart, felt I was good for nothing and he bolted yet again!

 

I checked out the web cos I thought..this is not rational behaviour! It's when its really good between us that things go wrong....that's why it was so confusing! and I found a whole world of commitmentphobia and I spent 6 hours reading comments and threads from people who suffer from it and I cried my eyes out with relief because I knew it wasn't me!

 

I ordered Stephen Carter's books "Why men can't Love" and "Getting to "Commitment" and I wrote my partner a letter telling him that he needed to read them and when he was ready to contact me and I'd forward the books to him. I spent 2 horrible weeks over Christmas loving him, wanting him, needing him until I nearly went crazy and in the new year he contacted me and told me that he wanted to change and wanted to get the help. I gave him the books and he went to a healer and things were great for about a month.

 

He didn't take off again but I felt I was loving a brick wall. It was obvious that he did things because he felt they were the right thing to do, not because they were coming naturally to him or he felt them from his heart. He wouldn't take me out for a night out on the town but continued to have his Friday night out with the boys and then spent the rest of the weekend with me sleeping and good for nothing. I so desperately missed him sexually as well. I desired him so much but I was lucky if he came near me once a week adn it was always when he wanted sex, if I went near him he'd tell me he was tired or I was irritating him. When we did have sex it was over in a matter of minutes and there was no fore play or tenderness and it very often resulted in him not being able to ejaculate (which I presume is part of the commitment problem as well).

 

By the end, I had no self esteem or confidence left, I felt lower than I've ever been in my life. I was snapping at him for no reason because I resented the fact that he had so much more energy for his friends than he had for me. I was never a first priority in his life, there were other things put before my like his work, friends etc and as for the living together......he kept telling me.......we'll be in a house together by the end of the year.........but eventually I knew that at the end of the year there would be another excuse for us not to be living together.

 

After taking some time out for me and not hearing from him AGAIN! I wrote him a long letter telling him what he meant to me, some of the things he had done to hurt me, that I was moving on with my life and that I hoped some day he would get help for the condition so that he could know what its like to love. Some of the comments made me have been alittle cold and hurtful in places but I think they needed to be said.

 

I left the letter down to his house over a month ago now and I've heard nothing from him. I am full of guilt over the letter thinking he probably hates me now, I must have really hurt him with my comments and I miss and love him so much. Did I do the wrong thing sending the letter? I thought doing it would give me closer but now I feel worse than I did before I sent it!

 

I keep forgetting that I was the victim in all of this.....that I did nothing wrong but love him but I can't seem to pull myself out of this now and keep thinking how unfair it is........someday some other girl will have his love (when he eventually can give it) he is such a gorgeous fantastic guy with some many good points if only he had opened his heart to me.

 

So.......after all this .........I ask you......do you really want to end up like me? I know deep down in my heart that the first 2 years of any relationship are supposed to be the best if the person is for you. How would it be if we had finally got our partners to settle down and marry, can you imaging the first sign of trouble or the extra pressure from kids, mortgages etc........I am 34 years old now and I think as much as I love and want this guy.......I want someone who will be my rock and adore me more.

 

Hope I have helped you some and I'm sorry I've written so much but it has helped me alittle by writing this all down.

[Vegas]

Hey,

 

I am a 21 year old CP woman and have freaked out and pushed a lot of men away. I am so lucky to have met my most recent "friend-boy" (titles are too scary for me right now) but he has just been amazing...

 

The trick is to not let the woman push you away. Lord knows I've done it to a lot of other men but my new guy has basically told me that I can "run but I can't hide" as it were. He will not let me push him away and it forces me to deal with my CP instead of ignoring it and hiding.

 

If I tell him that I am freaking out and I really need space he does give it to me but otherwise we have promised that we will always talk (I promised that I would always answer my phone) to each other and be completely honest about what we are feeling. We also made a promise that no matter what, we would work throught it. He is also letting me call the shots about when to bump things up to the next level. That is so comforting to me.

 

So guys, my best advice would be completely honest, try to be understanding and whatever you do, do not let her push you away...

 

I hope that works for y'all. : )

[Been Yoyoed]

Commitment Phobia

 

In my observation, those that are admitting to their hurting others whom they know are good mates, KUDOS...you have taken the first step out of denial into reality that your actions are hurting others.

 

Now, do something about it---a. try hypnotherapy b. try imago thearpy c. just trust and be loving and realize your worst fears are not going to occur d. realize you are allowing your fears to surface from an insecurity you have possibly from childhood and you are afraid you may be rejected or abandoned and that is why you are critical.

e. work on raising your self esteem without seeking new mates to boost it, work on it yourself.-ie find you.

 

Deal with the hidden hurts about childhood and let someone in to love you, realize life may be easier if you don't go through it continually worrying about being hurt. Stop hurting others with your selfishness.

 

For those who suffer with a relationship with a commitment phobic. Do not play into their game. Trust they will do the right thing. Think positive, what you dwell on is what they will focus on.

 

Good Luck

They will.

[ariadne4]

When I think of "commitment-phobe", I think of some Cassanova, love 'em and leave 'em, perpetual batchelor slimeball. (male of course)

 

However, I think I just figured out that I need look no further than my own mirror.

 

I am a 28 year old girl and I am commitment phobic.

 

There. I said it. It's an extremely disturbing thing to learn, as all I've ever wanted to be is perfect. And loved. Preferably by as many people as possible.

 

Short overview of life story: Born into an unhappy marriage, alcoholic father left when i was 4. Mentally unhealthy mother depended on me (even as a youngster) to fill those big empty shoes. Was rewarded by "being good", doing my chores, helping raise my sister, getting straight A's and not buckling under the intense pressure to hold my little family together and keep my mother from completely losing her mind. After all, avoiding foster care was an adequate incentive.

 

Over-achiever throughout school, working by the age of 14. Escaped my house on a full ride to a nice state university. I thought that I had made it . I was going to be ok.

 

However, things would only get worse from then on. I started a life long pursuit of promescuity, infidelity, broken relationships, one broken marriage (so far). I've also been bulemic for 13 years, and drink excessively at times. Two plastic surgeries and 2 graduate degrees later, I still can't find many things right with who I am. I can't even commit to a career.

 

But I'm a nice person. I swear. If you met me you'd never know what I've gone through and done in my life. So many things that (only now) I am ashamed of. I want help but i don't even know where to begin.

 

I love new relationships. The thrill of the chase, the rush of the first kiss, the first hot passionate nights, the first lazy afternoons in bed, the first thoughts that "this is definitely the one". (Oh and I dont stop there. I also love to get engaged and married.) I start these new relationships even without any thought to the ones I didn't get around to ending quite yet. (Because after all, I'm a "nice person" and I don't want to hurt the former "love of my life's" feelings.) Sometimes they are close friends, roomates boyfriends, strangers in a bar, etc. Sometimes I dont even break off the pre-existing relationships; I have the amazing capability of compartmentalizing my secret lives very neatly into mental "drawers". I cheated on my ex-husband (who although not a great husband, was a good guy) with his best friend, and eventually then left my ex-husband because HE was too emotionally removed.

 

I know. I'm thinking it too. I'm a wh*re. A really bad person. at least.

 

What brought this sudden self-awareness? I moved in with my boyfriend two weeks ago, and my divorce papers came in the mail today. The combination of which has rendered me almost nonfunctional with anxiety this week. And I'm already thinking of cheating on my boyfriend (the best, nicest, sweetest, most considerate, everything...) whom in my mind I know I love and plan to marry. I am out of control and I am going to ruin my life. This is my second chance at a normal loving relationship, possibly marriage, and I'm on a straight course to f*ck it up.

 

What can I do? I've been in and out of therapy (which I can't even commit to). I'm losing my mind. Seriously.

 

The only outlet I have is an anonymous post to strangers, because surely if my friends knew the truth they would judge me as I have judged myself; a worthless, lying, schemeing, commitment phobic wh*re who has no business living the semi-charmed life she does with a truly great man by her side.

 

I am a psychotherapist's dream, but I do not have the time and money to put into that right now. However I need help.

[disheartned]

Well after reading all of these notes, I don't know whether to feel relieved or sad.

 

A few of my very close friends - and my mum mentioned that they thought I had intimacy and commitment issues.

 

I, of course, laughed this off as being ridiculous as it wasn't my fault that the people I have dated have all been either too emotionally dependant or not emotionally dependant enough or too wrapped up in their own life or too wrapped up in mine or too eager to please or too interested in money or not ambitious enough or drink too much or didn't drink at all (yes that is correct, I didn't like someone because they were tee-total!!) or they went out too often or they didn't go out often enough or they were too tall or their head was too big and didn't look right on their shoulders (weird I know, but seriously this guy had a really big head, unusually big in my opinion) or they talked too much or they didn't talk enough or they were too tactile.............basically the list is endless, and believe me I have used every single one of these reasons, and more, to split up with guys I have dated over the past ten years.

 

What gets me though is that I am completely serious about these. To me they aren't excuses, they are facts. I am not secretly fearing something and so using these as an excuse. I really do mean it. These guys are all lovely and great but soon start to irritate me with these little things. So much so, that the attraction for them goes, and all i can see is these annoying little habbits. I always thought that this just meant that I wasn't suited to these guys and so I never worried, as there must be guys out there that won't annoy me, I just haven't met any yet.

 

I am now petrified that I am commitment phobic as I looked up "fear of commitment" on the internet - mainly to prove to my friends that I wasn't - and found a site that lists sypmtoms of commitment phobia. It was like reading a page of my life. What i really don't understand is why i would have a fear of commitment. I had a happy childhood as far as I'm concerned, I haven't had any major upsets in my life. I have a healthy social circle and a good enough job that pays the bills and gives me spending money. I am basically pretty happy, I have just never found love with an appropriate guy. I have been in love though. I was so desperately in love with one guy, but he didn't want to have relationship with me though as he was already with someone else - another classic symptom of commitment phobia - liking guys that are unattainable (this happens to me quite regularly). Does this then mean that I am destined to spend my life only ever wanting men i cannot have and not wanting the ones in front of me? This would lead to a pretty unhappy and unfulfilled life - surely?

 

So what if I am commitmentphobic? What then? There doesn't seem to be a cure for it. It doesn't even have a real name like agoraphobia or xenophobia. Is it even a recognised condition by your bog-standard therapists that live down the street, that have been in the profession for years?

 

I'm not saying I don't think it exists and we are making it up, as I think it is something quite serious and I don't speak for everyone, but I am certainly extremely concerned. I don't want to end up a lonely old spinster woman but I cannot seem to change my habits. I cannot force myself to continue to like people, even though I can now recognise that it was me pushing them away. My head says this to me. But my heart loses its attraction and once that is gone, what else is there? Should I stay with someone in the hope that it will come back after it's gone. I can't see me doing this. I basically cannot see a way out of this. It's too hard. I'm commitmentphobic, I know this, I know that it is because of this that I do not find a man attractive for any period longer than a few weeks. Knowing this doesn't change the cycle, it still continues. I still continue to lose the attraction. I still continue to finish the relationship after a few weeks because they are now annoying me, even though i know it is my fault and not theirs, but what can you do about it. Nothing - surely, if you don't like someone, you don't like them - and there isn't anything that they or I can do about it - it's just fact. Maybe I should just remain single for a while in the hope that it passes.

 

I think I'm just going to cling on to the theory that I am not commitmentphobic, I just haven't met someone I like enough to be with for more than a couple of months - at least this gives me hope. Being commitmentphobic leaves me with no hope at all as there is apparently not much that can be done except to grin and bear it - great!!(note the sarcasm)

[disheartned]

Yep, it's pretty rubbish being a commitmentphobe. Let's just hope that there is a cure out there somewhere. A way to overcome it.

[man eater]

I am in the same boat.

 

I am relieved to know that there may be a name for why I am the way that I am BUT, very sad because now I think that I may never change.

 

My brother calls me a man eater! I date guys that are wonderful men but after a few weeks I can't stand them...I will always find something that annoys me (shoes, smile, laugh, etc.) I find myself getting more disgusted with them and then I must end the relationship.

 

Last night I have a date with a guy that I have seen for a few weeks, then all of the sudden I knew I had to end it...I couldn't see myself with him much longer....I told him that I didn't think it was going to work out and he got tears in his eyes...I feel awful because I knew he was falling for me and I figured it was best to end it than rather then to let it go on...he is a great guy! BUT, I have issues and I realize this. My brother came home later and I told him what happen, he said "another one bits the dust."

 

I don't want to freak out every time I feel that the relationship is getting serious. I want to give someone a chance.

 

I don't know...I just feel like I am so crazy!!!

[gefe]

Hi everyone. I am posting this question as one of my last resources to avoid suffering any longer. I've had a relationship with a women who suffers from CP, and now, after almost three years I finally understood her problem.

 

My problem is that I still love her. I know now how difficult it can be for her to heal, because she is a widow who was married only for three months before her husband and one of her most beloved persons passed away, and since then she returned living with her parents. She is now 29 years old and has a 8 year old son from her short marriage.

 

I have done all of the characteristic behavior of a man dating a CP. I have proposed her, told her how much I love her and how important she is for me. In return she has always said that she loves me too, and how important I am in her life. I even have paid some sessions with a counselor, but when she felt that she began to change, she dropped out. Finally, two weeks ago, without knowing anything about CP, I told her that I was really sad about the way she treated me and that I didn't want to be disdained anymore, so it was better for us not even talking again. From then on I decided that I needed to understand her behavior, and suddenly I found something about CP. It was my way of understanding everything, and the beginning of my healing. But now, I am sure she will phone again soon, so I don't want to be hurt again, but I don't want neither to cause pain in her.

 

Can anyone suggest what can I do? How can I help her? How can I help myself? I don't want to suffer anymore, but I do want to find a way to help me and her to overcome all of this. Is it possible? I am prepared to do almost anything.

 

Thank you very much for your help.

[Gnote]

Hi all,

 

I posted this in another thread, prior to my search on this topic. Please forgive me for the double post, but it may fit better here. Can you tell me if you think I fit the mold for this "committmentphobia?" Thank you.

 

I am new here, but my problem is not. This is a very long post, but I hope you'll find it intriguing. Please have a read and tell me your thoughts. You don't know how much I will appreciate it.

 

I am currently 21 years old, have a university degree, and am working on a second. I met my current girlfriend (22 years old, currently) in 1998 and was very good friends with her until we started dating about 15 months ago. Throughout the entire time I've known her (save for a couple of stints in other relationships, totally about 1 year) I longed to be "more than friends," if you will. So when she finally suggested that we start seeing each other as boyfriend and girlfriend last June (2003), I was thrilled inexplicably.

 

The first four months were the best of my life. I longed to see her all of the time and got those "tingles" when we were together. In mid-August, we "proclaimed our love" (that sounds uber-corney, sorry, not meant that way) for one another. At about the four-month mark, she had to leave town to do an internship in a smaller community about one hour's drive from the city that both of us live in. She would be returning on weekends and we would talk on the phone most nights. Soon after she left a terrible anxiety came over me. I was not so sure any more that I was actually in love with this girl and not so sure that I wanted to be with her anymore. There was nothing concrete that I can say brought this on, and the anxiety was not your everyday insecurity. The anxiety was well beyond what the rational person would consider normal, given the circumstances.

 

For the next few weeks, this anxiety completely dominated my thoughts and feelings. I was mature about it, however, and the two of us talked it over. She was alarmed, naturally, but she was good to me and told me that if I needed some time to sort things out, I could take it. So we had a week-long "break," which wasn't hard, considering our proximity.

 

This is where it gets complicated. The break was nothing final, and as such, it served little purpose. I was still tossing the feelings around in my head, trying to figure them out without much success. To me, she seemed like "the one." She was everything that I ever wanted, mainly because for the most part the only girl I ever truly wanted was her. I ended this break with a promise that from that point forward the two of us would work through our problems together.

 

Since that time, these feelings of complete anxiety have come and gone. The only way I can think to explain these feelings when they are present is that being with her feels 100% right and 100% wrong at the same time. You can probably appreciate my discomfort with these thoughts, given that they have been coming and going for roughly a year now. I can say for a fact that they are worse when I am stressed by outside things (such as the beginning of school). Throughout the summer that just ended, there were very few times that I felt the anxiety. Now that school is starting up once again, they seem to have returned.

 

I have read various articles and books on the subject, and Stephen Zokol's "He's Scared, She's Scared" tends to describe my fears to a T. The problem is, he doesn't offer any solutions, only confirms that others have what he calls "committmentphobia."

 

In short, I need some help. I feel like this anxiety will never leave. I want more than anything to wake up in the morning and know that what the two of us have is right. I want to stop rearing back from time to time when I tell her I love her. I WANT desparately to spend the rest of my life with this woman, but how do I know if it is right?

 

Sorry for the length of this post. I thank any of you very very much for any type of insight you can levy.

 

Thanks again.

[NatoPMT]

Hi Gnote

 

‘Soon after she left a terrible anxiety came over me. I was not so sure any more that I was actually in love with this girl and not so sure that I wanted to be with her anymore. There was nothing concrete that I can say brought this on’

 

Maybe your answer is in what you wrote…. ‘Soon after she left…’ think about whether your CP stemmed from separation from her. Things happen when couples are separated, at a subconscious level, maybe even a primeval level. I think your innate insecurity kicked in, so innate you didn’t even recognise it, but you recognised the best way to potentially fend off a broken heart was to doubt your relationship because she wasn’t around as much. I don’t think you are inherantly CP, I think you are concerned about long distance in relationships. CP has lots of different reasons/causes/effects – you can deal with it just be recognising it and accepting it. It doesn’t mean shes not right for you, it means LDR’s arent right for you.

Talk to her, if she’s still away then you can get rid of this is by being absolutely honest with each other, build lots & lots of trust. Don’t just write her off because you ‘seem’ to be CP.

 

BB

[baffledbyme]

My discovery of this was very similar to some of the posts I read here tonight. A close friend mentioned it and so I decided to look it up. It was like reading about myself. What I found brings me relief because I can finally put a name to my problem, but it also brings me a lot of grief. I think maybe I found it too late. I'm in the middle of a divorce. My husband and I have searched for an answer to my issues for the past 2 years, to no avail. We eventually tired of constantly analyzing our relationship. I left him a few months ago and began a relationship with someone new.

 

My past relationships have never lasted very long. I would always find something wrong with the other person and blame my leaving on something they did. I never even realized I had a problem until my husband and I started talking about it. I've been with my husband for 3 years now, and it's the longest relationship I have ever been in. Even though I have felt completely suffocated by him for the past 2 1/2 years, I stayed. I stayed partly in hopes that he would help me find a solution, and partly because I was afraid of hurting him any more than I had already.

 

Now that I know what is wrong I feel like I should run back to my husband and share it with him, but from what I have read there isn't much I can do to change it. The man I am with now, I do care for him at the moment, but I am afraid to tell him that I have this problem. Considering that there isn't a "cure" then I don't see a point in going back to my husband, and telling this new guy would bring an end to the relationship which would end sooner or later anyway. So now that I know what is wrong with me, what the hell do I do with it?

[Miralisa]

Hello,

 

After reading about all the heartache, I was wondering if anyone has a story with a happy ending, i.e. a story about a commitment phobic relationship that did change. If you do, I'd love top hear it and please include details of how this was accomplished. I must say that in all my (quite extensive) reading on the subject, I have never read about a happy ending (with the exception of Stephen Carter).

 

I am asking for selfish reasons. The man I love has been in therapy for about 5 years, but is still unable to have a normal, interpersonal relationship. The only reason I have stuck around is because he really is trying in therapy. However I share the heartache, the many relationship starts and stops, that many of the posters have experienced. I'd love to hear a positive story with a happy ending, so if you have one, please post.

[motor39]

Thank you all for your posts and responses. I recently discovered that i am CP. I have had numerous relationships in my life the two most recent ones lasted for 5 and 4 years. They were like many described in the CP books etc.. I suffered Anxiety in both of these relationships when "pressure" was put on me for something more. I do have to say that i lived with both of these women, did a lot with them but never felt that desire to get married. I was always looking for that "greener Pasture" Both of them decided to move out because they wanted to marry me. i pretty much let them go and remained friends with them afterwards. One took a long time to get to that point of friendship but we did..

 

Now to the relationship that stirred up CONSTANT anxiety and doubts and all of the i "wonders". the, is she right, is she too young, is she too bubbly i mean all those things that CP's do to rationalize getting out. I pushed and pulled and pulled and pushed her into my life and back out again and she finally said "enough" that she could not do the back and forth thing anymore and she needed to move on and live her life.

 

Well i have been devastated ever since. I know i loved her more then anyone i have ever seen and i wanted to be with her soooo bad and it scared me to the point of having panic and anxiety attacks because i wanted to commit but couldn't. The biggest difference with her is she wanted me to "date" her. commit to what all of us consider regular dating. going out, going to each others houses making plans all of that. and with my previous relationships we went at my speed, did things when i wanted to do them and the next thing you know we were living together. and then i would go and find someone more fun or interesting at work and cheat on them and lose interest.

 

But with the new gal i never wanted to cheat, i never wanted anything to do with other women. i was sexually fulfilled and so attracted to her "when my mind was not anxious" of course i never considered being with anyone else. But to the problem. when SHE wanted time and when SHE wanted sex etc.. i got anxious, I got scared because she wanted that "commitment" from me and i was not able to give it unless it was on my terms or my idea.

 

How does it get fixed??? Where are the success stories?? I want/need to know it can work and be better. I want that relationship that develops into a marriage and kids and growing old together. i know i have issues from my parents getting divorced and the one time i got engaged and she changed her mind. but does it get better. can i heal or whatever and become a person that can have a relationship that works?

 

Her and I talked at a few points and she realized i am scared of commitment. I want to send her links and stories to show her what commitment phobic is and to show her why i was the way i was and hope she wants me back and will give us and me another chance but the minute i think about that and the fact it means i will be committing to her and to make it work i get anxious. Ain't that a bitch!!

 

I know i need to get over this relationship and hope that in time and with counseling i can get better and the next relationship works out and i find that person. but it does not take away from the sadness and the feelings of loss for her and how i blew it because i was too scared and screwed up.

 

Thank you all for reading this and any answers would be greatly appreciated..

[Sredemption]

Hi Motor,

 

Your post really stuck out to me bcuz you sound so much like my CP ex and our experience. Be proud that you are admitting to a problem and willing to get help. I think that is the first step. My ex claims he is not a CP, because he WAS actually married (It was very shortlived) and also engaged to another, (Which he broke off, altho whether he did or she did gets somewhat sketchy)

 

Another crazy similarity is the "she's too this, she's too that". After all the research I've done, I realize that is CLASSIC CP thoughts, and looking back on what he says were the reasons for his past breakups ("She was too boring", "She was too possessive" ...the list goes on) it made me even more aware that he has CP.

 

He also did the push/pull thing to me to the point where, like your gf, I finally just couldn't hack it. Funny thing was at times where he came back and I let on to considering going back I could literally FEEL him over the phone pull back ever so slightly. That was amazing insight you provided about how you would get anxious over the idea of committing to getting back together.

 

Its been wonderful reading these sites, and realizing that I am not the one here going nuts. Its scary tho, bcuz as much as I love him, and would love to have him back in my life, these stories make me realize that he would need to get some serious, long term help to get better and I know he doesn't even think he has a CP problem. Its sooo incredibly hard, because he still calls and begs and makes promises I KNOW he can't keep, (He blames it on his divorce)and it just makes me cry because last night he even eluded to "If you loved me enough..." Lord that SUCKED to hear. I wish I could give advice but heck I am here needing it myself, to get strong, and move on to something stable and warm and loving.

[sorry]

Good luck to all of you

[nomoreofthat]

wow. so as ive been obsessing over my boyfriend recently breaking up with me, someone mentioned possibly a fear of commitment. I searched it online and found this. here's my story, let me know what you think. any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. it will probably be reallllly long. sorry.

 

 

about three years ago, a friend of mine set me up with a friend of her boyfriends cause she thought we would hit it off. we met once, i was smitten, he seemed to be too. after our meeting he said we should just remain friends. I didnt want to just be his friend and was upset, I agreed though. but eventually after a couple of weeks we ended up going out on dates. we really started to like eachother a lot. he wasnt like other boys id known. he was pretty much exactly what I looked for in a boy. after about a month and a half, things were going very well. I suspected this may become my first long relationship. he was very into me as well. then one day I got a phone call from him. he said "this relationship isnt working", his only reasoning being "Im weird...or something". nothing at all had happened leading up to that when i emailed him for further explanation, he said he couldnt really explain it. I was pretty shocked and upset.

 

 

eventually we became friends again. we hung out a bit. I still was really into him, but let it go. I would rather have him as a friend rather than nothing at all. we shared so many of the same interests. our personalities complimented eachother rather well. I had never met anyone I was so compatible with, even just as a friend. we both dated other people for a bit. neither of our relationships worked out. and we became closer and closer.

 

 

eventually he asked me out again. it had been a year since we'd last dated. I still adored the boy. innocent dating became a full-fledged long-term relationship with time. a year and six months to be exact. our relationship was just amazing. we are both sweet, respectful and sensitive people, so we never had a lot of problems. sometimes my insecurities caused little arguments but never anything big. we were both always quick to apologize and very open with everything. we spent a lot of time together but gave eachother space and friend-time. he was so loving and thoughtful. he was constantly telling me how beautiful i was, how much he loved me, how lucky he was. and i could always tell he was sincere. everyone was so jealous of our relationship. while we both are quite young (im 20, he's 21) it just seemed like the forever kind of relationship. however, i was always careful to say anything related to marriage (i wouldnt want to get married so young anyways) because he would always act weird.

 

 

a couple of months ago my sister got married. so he went along with me to the rehearsal dinner and wedding, met a lot of my family, spent a bit of time with them. he was very nervous and overwhelmed by all this, but we'd been together for so long that it was inevitable. everyone at the wedding kept saying "are you guys next?" and i just laughed and brushed it off, like "not yet".

 

 

since school started in late august, we have become settled in this little routine. things have been a little boring. but thats just because we both have been very busy with school and work that when we are together we are too tired to do much so we just sit around and watch tv late. we still tried to fit in fun whenever we could. about a month ago, we're having a boring night after work. we cant find anything to do, we're both a little grumpy. out of nowhere he says "how do you feel about this relationship?", i said "good" except i wish we got to see eachother more, but i understood we were both so busy. he says he has been feeling guilty, feeling like he didnt know what else to give me, feeling "burned out" and "dried up". i told him he didnt have to give me anything. if he gave me his love, that was enough, anything else we could work out. so after a long talk and many tears, we (he) decided that we were going to take a break. i was upset, but if it would make him feel better than i would do it. he assured me that he didnt want to lose our relationship and thats why he was doing this. the day after our "break" he called me and asked how i was. i lied and said "ok". i wasnt ok. neither was he. he was quite upset. he said that he didnt want to hurt me, that he wished he could understand all of the things that went on in his head, that he didnt want me to hate him. i comforted him, told him it would all be ok, that i understood sometimes couples have to take time away from eachother. he was crying, he was so upset. and he rarely cries.

 

so the little "break" didnt work out too well. we worked together. so we had to see eachother. and when we did, it wasnt good. i would get very emotional and upset. i tried to be good about it, but when i see him everyday at work, but know that i cant go over to his house after no matter how much i want to, it hurts. what can i say? so last monday night at work, it was the same thing. I was upset, and i was pmsing, so i was especially emotional. i missed him. i was tired of the break. as i was leaving work, he walked me out. i said i was sorry for acting how i was, and that i just missed him so much. he hugged me, i said i loved him, he said he loved me. but he was different. he seemed so cold and distant. i ignored it though, and went home and went to bed and told myself everything would be fine.

 

 

so later that night i get a phone call. its him. he seems very upset. i get upset. so he just says hes going to come over and talk to me. so he did. he prefaced it all with "you know you're my best friend, my only friend these days really" i said to him "look at me, i know you cant look at me and tell me you dont love me", he said "you're right, i would never try to do that". then he got really emotional. he was bawling hysterically, he could hardly talk. and once again, he is not a big crier. he was very upset. he said he couldnt do it anymore, that he couldn't give anymore. he kept saying that. that he had no more to give. i pleaded and said "i know you have more to give! you just dont know it". he kept saying "no!" he held me, cried, said that im the last person on earth he'd want to hurt, that he loved me, that his feelings for me havent changed, that he doesnt want me to hate him. i said "god, i wish you could love me the way i love you", this made him very upset and he said "no! that isnt true! dont say that or think that". he said he couldnt give 100% like me because he wasnt the wonderful, sweet person that I was (which is not true!). then he said that he wasnt erasing me from his life, that we'd still be best of friends and that we'd still see eachother. he called me when he got home and we talked a little more about it. then he said i could talk to him the next day. i woke up, feeling awful and i just drove over his house (probably not the best idea) and just sat there and cried. he didnt say much. he just sorta sat there. he told me it would all be ok. then we worked together that night. we acted normal for awhile. then i got upset again, he came up to me and asked "Are you ok". unbelievable. "no im not." he said, we'll talk about this later, nows not a good time.

 

 

it has been a little over two weeks and things have still remained rather weird between us. I was utterly devestated for the first week and a half that I found it hard to even see him at all. yesterday at work I came in a better mood and was actually laughing and having fun with him. he seemed to feel better too, seeing my good mood. i find it disheartening that for like a week after our breakup his livejournal made no mention of it. in fact he seemed so relieved, like he had a real load off. around me he acts totally different though. i know hes a sweet person, i know he loves me, and i know he is experiencing intense guilt that he doesnt know how to deal with. none of this makes any sense to me, because everything was fine. he never mentioned any issues he had with me. I never asked anything of him. I did everything to keep us happy. I put so much of myself into this relationship. he did too, until the end, when he seems to have just fallen apart and given up for reasons that make no sense to me. and I KNOW he still loves me. I know when he looks at me, there is still that love there. and I highly highly doubt this has anything to do with another girl. i would be utterly shocked if that were the case. i think it is all in his head.

 

just a little background. my parents are like the most wonderul people on earth. theyve been together for almost 35 years and have a loving relationship. I have never had any issues at all with being in a relationship. his parents are still together. but he has never been very close to his mom. while i like her, she has always seemed a bit cold in general. he doesnt seem to feel any connection to her. and right now one of the main issues in his life is the fact the she is in another state, taking care of her sick mother. she has been gone for a couple of months and he doesnt know if shes ever coming back. he has always felt like he needed to take care of his father, especially now that she is gone. i think maybe he has been feeling stress like he has to take care of his dad and me (although i dont ask anything of him!).

 

does any of this sound like commitment phobia? if so, is there anything i can do to help him? i think if i mentioned it to him, he would freak out and it would scare him away completely. we are still friends and are even having lunch tomorrow. I love this boy. is there anything i can do to put this relationship back together?

[motor39]

Not being an expert on this. but still it does not sound to me like commitment phobia to the extreme. it sounds somewhat like he has commitment issues. not huge ones but scared of connecting and giving himself to someone especially if he has other concerns. it does sound to me like he feels somewhat guilty for not being able to give you back the love you have for him!!

 

It is amazing the stress you can put on your mind when someone loves you. it can almost make you feel guilty if you cant live up to what your partner is feeling towards you. it is like this. and i will use myself as and example. i knew she loved me and i was the love of her life. we connected sexually and emotionally but i felt like i could never live up to this image she had of me. her love was too much to handle. it put so much pressure on me to feel all these things back. and maybe just maybe what i was able to give is all i am capable of.

 

maybe it is the same for him. the love he has for you is genuine and true but i think everyone loves differently and sometimes when you feel the other person does not love you like they love you then it is not enough but in actuality that is what they are capable of. make sense??

 

I think of my family. we are not a big touchy feely hug and kiss type of family so to ask me to be a huge PDA person is not going to work. if someone is able to accept this is how he is able to show his love and affection and the thought behind it is genuine and heartfelt then dont pressure him/me to be different.

 

I think he needs time to sort out his feelings and if you can be there for him and don't tell him how much you love him and how much you need him i think it just stresses him out and makes him feel like "oh my god i need to be this way or that way for her to know i care" and that will cause him to pull away so as not to dissapoint you.

 

if you want him to read about commitment phobia maybe buy some of the books yourself and see if he notices what you are reading and spark an interest..

[slw]

Holy Moly!! I thought this was my ex girlfriend writing this,You two are EXACTLY the same!

 

I have to be fair to her, she told me from the start that she did not want a serious relationship , but things did get serious, and she ran.(twice). Well anyway, i am have not givin up on her . I keep hoping for the day she realizes what a good thing we had , abnd comes back.

[Bella Mia]

I have always believed that to some level I am a passive committment phobic. I seek out and am attracted to either emotionally and or phsyically unavailable men that will garauntee no chance of a normal relationship between us.

 

I can smell a committment eager man a mile away and I can't run in the other direction fast enough.

 

I have only been in what I have believed to be love very few times in my life. And the end of those relationships were so painful, and the time to get over it well exceeded the doctor recomended 4 to 6 months to heal. It was more like 1 1/2 years for me. No dating in between, pretty sad. Now since my 2nd heartbreak I do date, and I treat everyone like you do. I find reasons right down to their nose hairs. It's like I have built the ultimate shield that cannot be penetrated. That way I always feel in control and no one can hurt me. In the end I miss out on what I truly want. (whatever that is)

 

I have noticed also, that the more I reject men even on a first date, the harder they pursue. The harder they pursue, the less I am interested. Its a nasty cycle.

 

 

In a nutshell, I have always wanted what I can't have. I think in addition to being committment phobic, I have become addicted to the all mighty chase.

[renee2004]

Well I came here because I believe I suffer from this problem. I'm only 22 but I have been through a lot of boyfriends already, I believe i have taken them for granted with the thought that there is always someone better out there for me.

 

I am sad because while I think like this I can never be happy in any relationship. I look at my friends and they are happily involved in long term relationships and I wish I had that.. but every guy I go out with I get a compulsion to break up with him and for the most stupid reasons!!!! I did stay with one guy for 3 years who treated me so well but I broke up with him in the most cruel manner and he is now with another girl, who no doubt appreciates what she has.

 

I'm embarrassed to say it but I currently have 3 guys chasing me at the moment and each I am too afraid to commit to, and yet i'm too afraid to get rid of any of them because I think I might suddenly decide I want to be with one of them. I really don't know what to do. I am scared i'm never going to be happy in a relationship because I am never happy with what I have... I suffer from the grass is greener syndrome.. it SUCKS!!!!!! When i'm in a relationship, I think i'm missing out on being single, or i'm missing out on someone else, and when i'm single I think i'm missing out on a relationship.... I don't know how to change this.

 

Maybe just maybe this is only because I haven't met the right guy, and maybe when the right guy comes along I will just fall in love and everything will be ok..

[Nequam]

Hey, I've known my best friend for 5 years he has also been my boyfriend as well as my roommate

 

My friend seems to have problems being faithful to the girls his with, he cheated on the girlfriend he was with when i met him with another girl and later we started dating, he ended up cheating on me once things became a little more serious with us and then we broke up he started going out with a girl he met from his work and they were having fun, he claimed he was going out with her because they slept together for about 2 months he was with her and then he talked to me about her saying he didn't know if he had feelings for her, He broke up with her. About 3 months later he went out with her friend, He use to come to me and chat about nothing but her and i thought he finally found the real thing his eyes would sparkle so to speak and there was always a great big smile on his face. He even said that she was the one and he would never cheat on her.. 3 months down the track things were more serious his girlfriend was talking about a future for both of them way down the track he then cheated on her with one of my friends and eventrually he broke up with her. he would still chat to her and he would meet up with her and they would go to hotels for one night things, within a few months he met someone else and again for the second time I saw him excited, happy and he couldn't get enough of her she lives a fair distant way away and he saw her for a weekend every month at first he talked about moving up to where she lives (8 hour drive) and he talked about living with her and being with her but then it changed, again he and she stoped seeing each other just after i found out i had a large amount of feelings still there for him from when we broke up we discussed it and things started to happen I fell pregnant and i told him he did not have to be with me if he didn't want to that friendship was ok, At first he didn't want anything but friendship we moved into together and he told me he wanted to live with me perminantly I knew about his commitment problem so i made sure that he knew he always had the choice to move out, By christmas 4 months before our son was born he told me he loved me and that he wanted me to be his and he would prove it to me and that we would be married in years to come.. He was happy again and he seemed very settled to the idea but then the pregnancy was coming to a closed and he started to find reasons out he started talking to an ex girlfriend of his who cruely hurt him and he became infatuated with her we had a fight and he ended it by saying he didn't know what love was. from there he chatted most nights with his ex (she lives about 5 hours plane trip away) he went over there because he had a daughter with her and she had to have a operation from there they fooled about and he came back declaring he loved her even to me.. he was saying he saw him self marrying her, then she started to get heavy with him.. telling him she wanted him to move over there (they still weren't dating) he sent her several questions and one was that mine and his friendship has to end completely, i dont know what happened but he seeked out the woman he liked before i fell pregnant the one who lived 8 hours ago, he started flirting with her on the internet asking her to come visit him.. I was becoming annoyed at this so i told him that i was buying his ticket to go to the mother of his first child he seemed to pause I emailed the mother of his child and told her that hewould be going over there the following weekend if she wanted him within 1 week he was told by her not to come and he ceased all flirting with both girls.

 

Ok thats the background now for the signs i _THINK_ i see, cause we lived together he was doing half the duties of his son and I thought to myself that no matter if the actual name of "partner" was not there he and I were acting just like a normal couple the family outings, the chores even the cuddles were there... I choose not to tell him because of his track record everything was the same then he noticed it him self and told me.. I told him i already knew after that he sabotaged it, He started flirting with one of his ex's he started fighting with me and sitting in his room on his computer alot.

 

I also mentioned in the past to him that our friendship was going very well and that it was really nice to have the friendship peaceful after the hectic time with one of his ex's suddenly he became hurtful and would say and do things to hurt me.

 

There's been several more times but the one thats made me think more is a few days ago

 

He has lived with me again now for a few months and It's being going fine again it's been like we are a couple, I was speaking to one of our friends about him and me and she asked what the difference was with us and us being a couple I said nothing at all the other night we had a drink and I asked him the same question he agree'd nothing, the following day he was looking for a new place to move to he made up excuses for it but none of these were a problem before i mentioned it, now i'm typing it i seem to be describing him as a sleaze more than anything else but his not, he doesn't what his doing and he doesnt understand why he does it.

 

His background is a little sad, his parents devorced when he was about 2 and as he grew up his mum couldn't deal with him so she sent him off to live with his dad for 2 years and then he sent him back to his mother and after that he was sent to bordering school and then he got hooked on the internet and was kicked out for running up a bill he moved country and then met up with the girlfriend he broke up with when i met him. his relationships have been less than good

His first ever intimate relationship was terrible on him. he was a little passive i think he allowed his girlfriend to sleep with his best friend and eventrually she broke up with him to go with his best friend then his second girlfriend was another long term and she cheated on him for about 10 months and then the third one which is the one i met when i first met him cheated on him for 24 months of their 26 month relationship, then there was me I never cheated on him, he had two more girlfriends and one cheated the other didn't he had a few casual flings the one his got a daughter from was another one he hurt from she had been sleeping with him all day and a friend came around he fell asleep when he woke up he walked in her bedroom and she was in bed with the friend..

 

I've also seen a pattern in the girls he likes and has alot of excitement for.. the girlfriend he was with when i met him was a passive one but the ones after were strong willed, they liked to control everything around him and he seemed to hate it but he liked it to, they would argue with him constantly for not answering his phone on their call, they abuse him for not being somewhere when they wanted him there, if he said he couldn't make it they would tell him he didn't care about them, they controled our friendship, they turned him into a mouse he found it pointless to say anything back. i was in the category to I wasn't as strong,

 

Could this be because of his past failures in relationships? I find he gets too close to me and he runs, he comes back but he always runs as it gets to the point of serious commitment. he has even said "I haven't exhausted all my options" i asked him what he wanted in a female and he said he doesnt know... he says at times things like "You know we will probabley end up together when we're older, we're so comfortable around each other, You make me really happy and i'm relaxed around you" he has even said he has more than friendship feelings for me but he wont make the commitment instead he makes rash decisions or makes fights with us to stop the "good" happening..

 

Any Advice and information would be greatly Apprieciated:)

[newby]

i have the same problem,

this is likely why you will also find my posts in the other woman section.

its like you think you have addressed the problem, you think youre being normal and suddenly you are running away from a guy or more straight into the arms of somebody who is never gonna commit to you (for one reason or another, first time ive been in this particular situation)

i dont understand it because personally it reeeeally doesnt feel like i am scared of being hurt yet this is the way most people explain it. it feels as though i am terrified of somebody taking over my freedom my space my power, draining me with their neediness, yet i am quite capable of being this way myself with somebody who will never commit to me.

men i meet, they are either weak and needy and draining or weak and act like a**h***s

soo i think the way through it is to stop oneself being weak and needy and draining or weak and acting like b!tches

which is get strong and independent oneself so you dont need and you dont let others take either

easier said than done,

i'm working on it

[Si]

Originally posted by ariadne4

When I think of "commitment-phobe", I think of some Cassanova, love 'em and leave 'em, perpetual batchelor slimeball. (male of course)

 

However, I think I just figured out that I need look no further than my own mirror.

 

I am a 28 year old girl and I am commitment phobic.

 

There. I said it. It's an extremely disturbing thing to learn, as all I've ever wanted to be is perfect. And loved. Preferably by as many people as possible.

 

 

 

ariadne4: have you heard of narcissism? The very desire to be 'all I've ever wanted to be is perfect. And loved. Preferably by as many people as possible. ' is kind of egocentric/narcissistic - if you expect perfection in yourself it kinda follows that you'll look for it in partners aswell - and a relationship HAS to be founded on commitment, acceptance of faults, and forgiveness. I suspect you have egocentric tendencies as if you were fully narcissistic then self-examination would be nigh-on impossible, but it's an avenue to explore, and would likely lead to commitmentphobia. Certainly compartmentalizing elements of your life, quick infatuation etc. are consistent, but it's not my place to judge, especially on fairly scant information, and anyway I'm not psychiatrically qualified, just aware of the terms....

[RecordProducer]

I think you haven't met the right person. When you become friends with someone and get to know him, if he is the right one and he likes you too, it will happen naturally and spontaneously.

I didn't like starting a relationship with new men until recently. The idea of sleeping with someone new was disgusting to me. But I did sleep and even had one-night stands which made so sick that I stopped going out and meeting people. Then I met my fiance on the net. He is the right one hopefully. We clicked right away and felt such a close connection from day one. You have to have the feeling for the right person.

Commitment phobia refers to the period when you're already in a relationship and don't want to transfer it to a more serious level. If that is also the case with you, I'd say you've never really been in love. When you fall in love madly, you want to spend the rest of your life with that person and have babies with them.