fizzbomb Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Hi guys, I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or any similar experiences? My ex and I met at college, and had a close friendship for two years before we actually got together. We'd kissed as a one off once, and we both knew there was something there, but waited until our course had finished. Anyway, we got together in June 2006, and I was so happy. Everything was great, as we'd been best friends before and it seemed like a natural progression. Then in September he discovered he hadn't got the university place he wanted, and the most effective use of his gap year would be to go to France as an au pair and improve his French, since that was what he wanted to do at uni (we're in England btw!). So, mid October he completely freaked out and dumped me cos he was moving away and didnt want to be apart. The next day I managed to talk him round, and said we'd give a long distance relationship a go, and we'd reassess the situation soon. He was happy with that, and we never did have the discussion where we reassessed the situation. As it turned out we usually got to see eachother every 5 or 6 weeks. He even joined my family on holiday for a week when we went to France the following April. Whilst he was away, we only ever had one issue, when he said he wanted some space. I gave him space (obviously, we were physically apart, so it was a case of not texting or emailing) and after that everything was fine. He came back last July, and at the end of the month we went on a brilliant holiday together and everything was perfect. Then in September, he started at his new uni, which is 4 hours away from our hometown, where I still live. I visited him once, then at the end of October he said he was having doubts. He was coming home at the end of that week, so I just gave him space, and said we'd talk when he was home. When he got home we went for a walk, and he was talking about ending our relationship. I asked him to wait until the end of the week when we'd have had some quality time together, which we hadn't had. I also said that it was only natural for things to be difficult, as he was having loads of new experiences at uni. He agreed, and again, at the end of the week no conversation about breaking up was neccessary. In November he invited me up to stay with him and go to his Christmas Party. I went, and everything was fine, until the end of the evening when we had a stupid argument about whether or not to go to a club after the party. It got blown out of all proportion, and ended with him sleeping on a friend's floor while I slept in his flat. The next morning he apologised, and broke down saying that he was unhappy and lonely in himself - that he'd sort of lost track of his identity when he was in France. Everything was fine by the time I went home the next day. In early December he called me in the morning, and I knew something was wrong. He told me that he'd kissed a girl at a club the night before. Although I asked for some time before I did, I forgave him later that day because he was drunk, and obviously sorry cos he'd told me straight away. He invited me to travel to Morrocco with him in March, and we started making plans. He came home for Christmas in the first week of December, and everything was good. We went Christmas shopping in London, and to the theatre and out for meals. We spent time together on Christmas day, and met up with mutual friends together and enjoyed New Year together. Then on Wednesday, 2nd January he stayed over, and everything seemed fine. But Thursday morning he was distant, and ended up asking me to take him back to his parents house. I did so, and when I went to kiss him goodbye he asked if I was happy, I said yes, but it was obvious he wasnt. The next day we met for coffee, and he said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me forever any more (He'd previously said he wanted to marry me, and be with me forever, and we'd talked a lot about the future. Even on the Wednesday night). We didn't finish the conversation, but that evening we met up with more mutual friends. We were our usual selves in the pub, just with no touching that you might expect a couple to have. He introduced me to someone as his girlfriend, and I'm even sure at one point went to kiss me on the cheek before going to the bar. That was the Friday night. I didn't hear from him on the Saturday so in the evening I called him to arrange a time to talk, cos I knew he was going back to uni the following Tuesday. We agreed that we'd meet at his parents house the next morning, and we did. And he dumped me. He couldn't give me a reason. He said he didn't know what was wrong, and that he still cared about me. I cried (a lot), but I didn't beg. I asked if he was sure, he said yes, and I asked if there was any point in me asking him to try again, and he said no. But I left him in no doubt that I wanted to still be friends. I know it will be hard. We went for a quick walk before I went home, and talked about some practical issues: I have train tickets booked to see him next week, and we still have concert tickets, theatre tickets and the trip to Morrocco. He said he'd let me know about those things. I'd be surpirised if we went to Morrocco in March. I reminded him that he still owed me part of my Christmas present, and that I still owed him dinner. He said not to worry, he hadn't forgotten and those things will still happen. We said we wouldn't see eachother before he went back to uni, hugged, and I left. That was last Sunday. Since then I've spoken to him briefly on msn. I wanted him to know that I wasn't mad at him. But I think that's clear - there is no animosity. He said he didn't want me to visit next week, I said ok. I think he was surprised when I said I didn't know if I would even if he'd said he wanted me to - he asked why, I just said it was too soon, but that doesn't mean I don't want to see him. That was on Wednesday. I haven't made any attempt to contact him since. A mutual friend spoke to him on Friday, and he described himself as being "not great" when asked how he was, which gave me hope. But yesterday, when speaking to another mutual friend he said he didn't think he'd made the wrong decision. I'm completely confused, he wasn't acting like there was anything wrong. He had said that he loved me several times on the Wednesday, and I know (from experience) that he wouldn't say that if he wasn't sure. I'm devestated. I'm hoping that in time he'll realise that he loves and misses me and I'll get him back, but that thought that that might not happen and waiting to find out is killing me. I believe that he's the man for me and, more importantly, that I'm the girl for him. Help!
Jerome84 Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 My first advice would be, even before thinking of getting him back or anything is to split this text into paragraphs cos I got a headache just by looking at it for 2 minutes.
Author fizzbomb Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 lol, im really sorry. I was thinking that as i wrote it, but i dont know how!
s_n_d Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 I'm devestated. I'm hoping that in time he'll realise that he loves and misses me and I'll get him back, but that thought that that might not happen and waiting to find out is killing me. I believe that he's the man for me and, more importantly, that I'm the girl for him. Im feeling the same way right now. The waiting is killing me!!!!
jerbear Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 On a quick note, if you have just been dumped; keep the drama out of it. Settle the financial stuff and just move on. Settle the Morroco trip, settle the Christmas gift. I would not want to go on the Morroco trip honestly, it would be awkward as in romantic and friendship. Not knowing what to do or how to do it. In my opinion, settle the financial stuff. Do your own thing and just let him be. There is not much a dumpee can do for a dumper to make them want them back. The dumper has to come back to the dumpee.
Author fizzbomb Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 It's not a question of settling debts. The Morocco trip is cancellable, we just haven't decided to go ahead and cancel it yet. I don't think I do want to go, but we need to decide that together. As far as Christmas gifts and meal outs go, it doesn't really matter.
Author fizzbomb Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Have u got a similar problem snd? How long have you been waiting?
Freddy Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Hi Fizz, from my experience the only way for this to get better is to stop all contact. Now I really didn't do this but I wish I had. Sometimes when a person doesn't know what there doing and is confused, it will only hurt you more and more for the months to come. Let them realize what their doing has consequences and you will just not be sitting there waiting for them. I understand what your going through and hope you feel better.
Author fizzbomb Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Thanks Freddy. I'm trying not to make contact, I feel I'm doing ok so far, considering how often we would usually talk. I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't get in touch fairly soon though - I want to think that he misses me too. And maybe I should cut my losses and aim for friendship, but even then it's not actually straight forward! Has anyone actually had a positive experience from this sort of situation? I need some hope!
Freddy Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 Friendship doesn't work cause you will still have that feeling for them. Not a lot of success stories here but if you read some other the older postings then you can learn a lot. From what I read, once you move on then there's that possibility that they will come back cause your no longer chasing them anymore. By then you might not want them back but it's really hard to say.
Author fizzbomb Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Before I added my thread I read a thread from 2/3 years ago. A lot of people on there seemed pretty confident that no contact is they way forward, that they'll come back. You guys don't seem to see it that way any more. That it's a way of distancing yourself :-( I wish there was something I could do
Fandabby Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 yeah i agree with freddy, friends don't work, you need to go no contact, cause he needs to miss you, don't worry about all the tickets to places, thats not the important thing at the moment, if you need any advice, then message me with msn, cause im good at advice etc ( i help freddy and snd out alot on msn lol ) but you really need to take things easy, just relax, and let him do own thing and sort his head out and let him miss and want you back, cause you can't change anything at the moment, just keep yourself busy
Author fizzbomb Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Thanks. How do I do that? (I'm really rubbish with technology, but I do have MSN!) I'm not worried about the tickets at all really, I just thought it was important to include in the "story" the fact that he'd said we wouldn't neccessarily not do stuff together. We were such a massive part of eachothers lives
Fandabby Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 i no your both a massive part of eachothers lives, but like, my ex who i was with for 3 years, left me for another guy thru text lol ( over 2 months ago) and that was out the blue and we was a massive part of eachothers lives, so somtimes it doesnt mater how close you are, you still gona have problems and somtimes people do stuff that they might regret in future, so if you keep NC he will miss you and if he doesnt, you would of moved on my msn is in this post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1472828#post1472828
s_n_d Posted January 13, 2008 Posted January 13, 2008 yeah i agree with freddy, friends don't work, you need to go no contact, cause he needs to miss you, don't worry about all the tickets to places, thats not the important thing at the moment, if you need any advice, then message me with msn, cause im good at advice etc ( i help freddy and snd out alot on msn lol ) Hahaha yes thats true. He makes me laugh. Hes a hilarious dude and he keeps my mind off my ex so thats good. Oh and he gives good advice..lol.although its hard to hear sometimes.. Tough love..
Author fizzbomb Posted January 13, 2008 Author Posted January 13, 2008 Thanks. I know there's noone else. I just don't know what happened
miami45uconn Posted January 15, 2008 Posted January 15, 2008 yeah i was dumped about a month and a half ago and my exgirlfriend has shown no signs of missing what she left behind. It seems like its been a week. I kind of am waiting stupidly if she will realize she loves me but i only have high hopes and know that hope is the first step to the road of dissapointment in this case. I know its easier said than done. You really have to keep no contact. She has stopped all communication with me but i still ask about her and stupidly find out everything i can but it is only putting me back. Take it one day at a time, im right there with ya
Author fizzbomb Posted January 16, 2008 Author Posted January 16, 2008 I'm finding it really hard today - I should be on the train right now on my way to see him. I can't believe it's over
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