Would extra effort in the bedroom stop the cheating?

January 9, 2008

Aw man (excuse the pun), I was so hoping that Cobra and TBF would hook up in my thread!

January 9, 2008

Like I said there is nothing you can do or say that is going to really hurt my feelings. If you tell me I'm bieng ridiculous... no problems. If you say the same words in a disrespectful tone... your going to reduce your value to me plain and simple. Do it enough... and I'd move on.

Honestly I'm not going to debate this with you further because your not really wrong... your simply going to have a low probability of long term success trying to get that kind of relationship with that type of man.

In regards to Sarme... I dont think she took or stole anybody. I think she met a man who was already out the door, and heading to the driveway keys in hand.

For me... I want my woman to act like a woman. If I wanted a man... I'd go after a man. Get me?

Cobra, you have a set relationship in mind. You will be the boss. I hear you loud and clear. If you pulled that one on me, I would be gone in a second.

I'm not into the numbers game Cobra. If it means a low probability of success, so be it, although currently there is someone on the horizon who very well might be an excellent partner. Based on past exposure, what people who are close to both of us have told me about him, he appears to have all the qualities. For the interim, before proceeding, I have things going on in my life I have to get settled. Until this happens, if he's as interested as I think, he'll wait.

Believe what you want. What I see is someone who entered into an affair with an MM.

I want a "real" man. Get me?

January 9, 2008

TBF and Sarme, whatever disagreements you may have, I'm fairly certain you'll never find yourselves fighting over the same guy. You're both looking for two totally different animals. And as we all know, it takes all kinds out there in the animal kingdom.

January 9, 2008

TBF and Sarme, whatever disagreements you may have, I'm fairly certain you'll never find yourselves fighting over the same guy. You're both looking for two totally different animals. And as we all know, it takes all kinds out there in the animal kingdom.

Oh, how true this is. Well said OpenBook.

sarme and I are definitely looking for different...men...

January 9, 2008

Cobra, you have a set relationship in mind. You will be the boss. I hear you loud and clear. If you pulled that one on me, I would be gone in a second.

Believe what you want. What I see is someone who entered into an affair with an MM.

I want a "real" man. Get me?

I'm very happy that you have someone who may work for you!

I am very flexible in relationships. I try to be the best I can be. I take responsibility for what I do, and for how that affects my SO.

When you say I want to be the boss... there is a certain connotation of control I dont like. I have no interest in controlling anyone... Like I said I expect her to handle her own business. Period. People need to do whats right because it's right... not because they are told to do so.

I assume you put "real" in quotations like that to point out that your looking for something real like a 3 dollar bill.

I'm not going to knock sarme because the paperwork hadnt gone through. There is the law.... and the spirit of the law. I'm not that much of a legalist.

January 9, 2008

I think you'd be surprised how similar our tastes could prove to be. The difference is I am not fixating on an ideal of what a "real man" is when the bottom line is ALL men are real men.

The only NOT real man is the man women refer to when they say they want a "real man"

Thanks Cobra! I have to admit I have grown accustomed to being knocked for what I did so you learn to live with it. Utlimately I love this man and he loves me and we want to do everything right to make sure we don't commit past mistakes ever again, and that can apply to anything.

Some lessons in life come harder than others the important thing is what are you going to do with the new information?

Edited January 9, 2008 by sarme

January 9, 2008

I want a real FUNNY man, who worships and adores me.

Anywho, I believe I have come to the conclusion that there IS no conclusion. The posts that have been made so far are opening up my eyes to things I haven't seen before -- that men are more human than I realized (GASP!)... and their hearts are just as vulnerable as women's, although they manifest it differently.

I have also learned that it isn't just the ACT of sex that men crave. They invest their emotions in it, too. One of the posts (I think it was michaelk?) said that men want acceptance and appreciation from the women they love. And it's deeply painful for them when they don't get it.

Hmmm... many worthwhile things to think about. I am awash in appreciation for all these insights!

January 9, 2008

I'm very happy that you have someone who may work for you!

I am very flexible in relationships. I try to be the best I can be. I take responsibility for what I do, and for how that affects my SO.

When you say I want to be the boss... there is a certain connotation of control I dont like. I have no interest in controlling anyone... Like I said I expect her to handle her own business. Period. People need to do whats right because it's right... not because they are told to do so.

I find it interesting that you feel you are "flexible". Think of the connotations of that. Your SO is not an employee for you to need to be flexible for.

Cobra, look inside yourself. Do you not enjoy control?

I assume you put "real" in quotations like that to point out that your looking for something real like a 3 dollar bill.

As I said to another member in this thread, perhaps it's environment. The "real" men that satellite my life, can be touched and loved, including and especially, my father, brothers and more than enough male friends.

I'm not going to knock sarme because the paperwork hadnt gone through. There is the law.... and the spirit of the law. I'm not that much of a legalist.

You can spin as hard as you want Cobra. Affair...MM...OW...that is all.

January 9, 2008

I

The "real" men that satellite my life, can be touched and loved, including and especially, my father, brothers and more than enough male friends.

These "Real" men you speak of are your father and your brother?

Huney, no wonder you have such skewed standards, what ever do you know what your father or brother would be like to have in a romantic relationship?

I can aprpeciate where you are coming from but looking for real men based on the role model of your father or brother, is like waiting for a prince to come in and pick you up in his white horse, it just ain't gonna happen.

I'd love my daddy and brothers too but I am not so sure what it would be like to have any of them as a husband!?!

January 9, 2008

These "Real" men you speak of are your father and your brother?
Huney, no wonder you have such skewed standards, what ever do you know what your father or brother would be like to have in a romantic relationship?
I can aprpeciate where you are coming from but looking for real men based on the role model of your father or brother, is like waiting for a prince to come in and pick you up in his white horse, it just ain't gonna happen.

I'd love my daddy and brothers too but I am not so sure what it would be like to have any of them as a husband!?!

sarme, did you miss the reference to male friends. Apparently so...

If you insist, I've also dated enough real men, although as a teenager, I also dated some real men and some duds.

January 9, 2008

sarme, did you miss the reference to male friends. Apparently so...

If you insist, I've also dated enough real men, although as a teenager, I also dated some real men and some duds.

Yes I did miss that. Ok well then I ask the same question of your friends. What do you know what it would be like to have a romatic relationship with them for all you know it could totally suck, then you would be right back on that eternal quest to find your REAL MAN.

January 9, 2008

Yes I did miss that. Ok well then I ask the same question of your friends. What do you know what it would be like to have a romatic relationship with them for all you know it could totally suck, then you would be right back on that eternal quest to find your REAL MAN.

Most of my close male friends are married to my close female friends. We've all known each other for years so I'm aware of the type of person they are. They have very happy marriages, most with kids.

January 9, 2008

'Real Men' don't cheat. At least in my perceived meaning of one of the things I seek in a romantic partner.

Also, if the guy has a history of such behaviour then that boundary is easier to break down, in most cases.

The same goes for women. Also, I think affair partners have an equally weak character trait that equates them to cheaters as well. Weak character.

January 9, 2008

'Real Men' don't cheat. At least in my perceived meaning of one of the things I seek in a romantic partner.

Also, if the guy has a history of such behaviour then that boundary is easier to break down, in most cases.

The same goes for women. Also, I think affair partners have an equally weak character trait that equates them to cheaters as well. Weak character.

I couldn't agree with you more.

January 9, 2008

Most of my close male friends are married to my close female friends. We've all known each other for years so I'm aware of the type of person they are. They have very happy marriages, most with kids.

Ok so all your REAL MEN are married and have great relationships, whith their wives, you have no idea what type of relationship or dynamic you would have with these men if you were in their shoes. That's my point. You might be fantasizing on something that just doesn't exist.

If you have dated REAL MEN why are you no longer with these REAL MEN?

See I see you passing the buck and putting all the blame on not finding REAL MEN, you haven't for a second entertained the idea that the common denominator in all these REAL MEN you are not meeting is you? I bet you have met a million great REAL MEN but you just didn't see it because you are waiting for this fictional man that you have created in your head.

So back to my "lowered standards", I have picked a man that meets my needs in most if not all the categories of what I want out of a relationship, the fact that he retracts when things are wrong is what we have to work on, as I have to work on my things too. I could walk away and expect to meet a real man or I can work on it and make him my real man. When you take responsibility for your own happiness the odds are favourably on your side.

For the record I also don't believe in luck, you make your own luck. Life happens and it feeds you big piles of crap sometimes but that's life, not luck.

January 9, 2008

I want a real FUNNY man, who worships and adores me.

I have also learned that it isn't just the ACT of sex that men crave. They invest their emotions in it, too. One of the posts (I think it was michaelk?) said that men want acceptance and appreciation from the women they love. And it's deeply painful for them when they don't get it.

Hmmm... many worthwhile things to think about. I am awash in appreciation for all these insights!

Don't think I didnt notice your attempt to soften a growing argument! Your very smart and kind.

Dont underestimate the acceptance part. Remember there is no one size fits all rule for men. The best thing you can do is understand the man you have.

I find it interesting that you feel you are "flexible". Think of the connotations of that. Your SO is not an employee for you to need to be flexible for.

Cobra, look inside yourself. Do you not enjoy control?

As I said to another member in this thread, perhaps it's environment. The "real" men that satellite my life, can be touched and loved, including and especially, my father, brothers and more than enough male friends.

You can spin as hard as you want Cobra. Affair...MM...OW...that is all.

I'm flexible in that I put aside my pride, and try to always do whats best for her first.

I enjoy controlling myself. Thats typically more than I can handle.

MM? OW? The reality of life rarely fits the neat little boxes and labels you apply to them.

January 9, 2008

'Real Men' don't cheat. At least in my perceived meaning of one of the things I seek in a romantic partner.

Also, if the guy has a history of such behaviour then that boundary is easier to break down, in most cases.

The same goes for women. Also, I think affair partners have an equally weak character trait that equates them to cheaters as well. Weak character.

Real men and women cheat, and commit all sorts of mistakes.

Weak people are very real.

January 9, 2008

I couldn't agree with you more.

Ahhhh ok then so it seems that what your definition of a "real man" is then, is one who doesn't cheat.

We probably should have asked you to define a real man, and that would have solved that.

In that case there are many men who don't cheat. But I'll fill you in a secret, men who cheat are very real.

January 9, 2008

'Real Men' don't cheat. At least in my perceived meaning of one of the things I seek in a romantic partner.

Also, if the guy has a history of such behaviour then that boundary is easier to break down, in most cases.

The same goes for women. Also, I think affair partners have an equally weak character trait that equates them to cheaters as well. Weak character.

So you are saying that 'Real Men' don't cheat, and they have a weak character trait. So do you realize then, that you are judging and condemning 60% of the married male population on the planet?? 60% is a clear, hands-down majority. Sheesh, and I thought I had a bad attitude toward men!!

Logically, this majority tells me that there has to be something else causing the cheating besides a "character flaw" in 60% of the attached guys out there.

January 9, 2008

Real men and women cheat, and commit all sorts of mistakes.

Weak people are very real.

Sure I am not denying that there are weak people out there. We all have some weakness. Not all have the weakness of infidelity.

I also agree with Cobra that you should strive for understanding the person you are with.

When you understand that a weakness in someone's character has the capacity to selfishly hurt others with no regard. Then it might be time to no longer invest trust in that person.

January 9, 2008

Ok so all your REAL MEN are married and have great relationships, whith their wives, you have no idea what type of relationship or dynamic you would have with these men if you were in their shoes. That's my point. You might be fantasizing on something that just doesn't exist.

If you have dated REAL MEN why are you no longer with these REAL MEN?

See I see you passing the buck and putting all the blame on not finding REAL MEN, you haven't for a second entertained the idea that the common denominator in all these REAL MEN you are not meeting is you? I bet you have met a million great REAL MEN but you just didn't see it because you are waiting for this fictional man that you have created in your head.

So back to my "lowered standards", I have picked a man that meets my needs in most if not all the categories of what I want out of a relationship, the fact that he retracts when things are wrong is what we have to work on, as I have to work on my things too. I could walk away and expect to meet a real man or I can work on it and make him my real man. When you take responsibility for your own happiness the odds are favourably on your side.

For the record I also don't believe in luck, you make your own luck. Life happens and it feeds you big piles of crap sometimes but that's life, not luck.

sarme, since I've dated a couple of these guys in the past, pre-marriage, I do know the relationship dynamics. Also, my g/fs and I are very close and open about love and life. It's very cool to see great marriages that continue to be love stories.

I wasn't aware that once I had a relationship with someone, I had to mate for life.

Sarme, I'm not interested in making anyone anything. They are who they are. If they're of the quality that I seek, that's great, we have a connection. If not, we don't. If you have a relationship where you continue to try to jam a square peg into a round hole, sooner or later, it's going to blow up in your face.

While I do believe in taking charge of my life and making my own luck, poaching isn't my style.

January 9, 2008

So you are saying that 'Real Men' don't cheat, and they have a weak character trait. So do you realize then, that you are judging and condemning 60% of the married male population on the planet?? 60% is a clear, hands-down majority. Sheesh, and I thought I had a bad attitude toward men!!

Logically, this majority tells me that there has to be something else causing the cheating besides a "character flaw" in 60% of the attached guys out there.

LOL... 60% ...OB you're generous... I would say that it's a lot more than that...

I think all kind of men cheat... weak, strong, dumb, smart, rich, poor... and for all kind of different reasons..

January 9, 2008

'Real Men' don't cheat. At least in my perceived meaning of one of the things I seek in a romantic partner.
Also, if the guy has a history of such behaviour then that boundary is easier to break down, in most cases.
The same goes for women. Also, I think affair partners have an equally weak character trait that equates them to cheaters as well. Weak character.

While I agree with you... I've already had this argument... and what your describing fails to fit the situation as I understand it.

However... I suppose it depends on your beliefs about marriage and divorce. If you think marriage is nothing more than a slip of paper... and divorce is simply the legal dissolution of that agreement... I probably understand wrong.

January 9, 2008

Sure I am not denying that there are weak people out there. We all have some weakness. Not all have the weakness of infidelity.

I also agree with Cobra that you should strive for understanding the person you are with.

When you understand that a weakness in someone's character has the capacity to selfishly hurt others with no regard. Then it might be time to no longer invest trust in that person.

you're right some just have the weakness of general spite and malice against the world, there are sorts of weaknesses out there.

Well actually I introduced the thought of understanding your partner, first but it's ok I wouldn't expect you to agree with a "lowlife exOW such as myself".

;-)

Yup I agree with all of that. Perhaps that last comment would be better suited for all those Infidelity threads where the BS, after being cheated on taking back the cheater is questioning "I found a weird email should I trace the it or not?" Not sure how it is relevant to this thread topic!?

January 9, 2008

So you are saying that 'Real Men' don't cheat, and they have a weak character trait. So do you realize then, that you are judging and condemning 60% of the married male population on the planet?? 60% is a clear, hands-down majority. Sheesh, and I thought I had a bad attitude toward men!!

Logically, this majority tells me that there has to be something else causing the cheating besides a "character flaw" in 60% of the attached guys out there.

My problem/attitude with 'cheaters/affair partners' is not just aimed at men.

I just think it is a selfish thing to do. Sure when they discover the infidelity gene, or the evolutionary link, or that it is all related cheese intake, then fine. All I do is identify and move on. I am only condemning them to a life without me. You guys can have at them.

I have given a "reformed" cheater the benefit of the doubt a couple of times and why they twist that logic to suit their actions ...eventually I have found in my experiences and well as observing others' that patterns repeat. Some just take longer to cycle, some much longer.

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