ElvenPriestess Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 As of yesterday my H decided to go ahead with the divorce proceedings. And today he leaves and I call to find out if he'll even come home. We sleep in separate rooms. He picks me up to go to a bar, a couple hours later drops me off at home and continues with friends to another bar. I can't stop crying. Non stop. Even now. It's like he doesn't care that I hurt so bad!! He just goes out to bars and I'm here alone!! It hurts so bad!! How do I handle it?? I can't stop hurting. We live in the same house still, I cry all the time and he just goes out and does his thing. I'm so sick of crying!! How am I supposed to cope with this? It all became reality when he said he'd went ahead with the divorce. I'm so hurt!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Maybe his way of dealing with this is drinking. I'm so very sorry. Breathe in, breathe out. Put soap on his toothbrush. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 Maybe it is. But I can't stop hurting and I want to. I wish I could rip out my feelings for him. Do you understand what it's like to say vows to some one who says "F you, here's our divorce?" I'm sorry to rant, but out here I have no where else to turn. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Betrayal sucks. Who can you trust with your heart?? Well, I guess that's the risk we all take when we love. It's probably next to impossible, but you desperately need something to take your mind off things. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Do you have friends or family nearby that you can stay with? It just seems like an impossible situation, having to live with someone that you are divorcing. I did that with my exH...he slept in his own bedroom for months before he moved out. It was nearly intolerable for me. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Maybe you should just try to expedite the process of divorcing from him because living in this state cannot be good for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 We sleep in separate rooms too blind otter. I live on a f***ing base in Japan, gave up my career to be here. Link to post Share on other sites
scottster007 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 It never ceases to amaze me how cruel people can be to others. It seems we are more and more living in a society filled with selfishness. I'm so very sorry your going through this. One of you needs to move away from the house. It sounds to me like he has lost his respect for you. The best revenge, in my opinion, is to focus on yourself and move on. He'll notice and will regret his actions. Love yourself now! Your gonna make it! I know its hard! Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Hi Elvenpriestess. I went to the solicitors the day before yesterday to start the divorce, somewhat reluctantly. I had to do it as my STBXW wanted the divorce but did not want to start it. Out of guilt I guess. I met her at a restaurant after that, we had dinner and asked her if she wanted a glass of champagne to celebrate. She asked what is there to celebrate? I said, well you wanted the divorce and I have just started the ball rolling. She said that sometimes she has regrets. I said that we could still be good friends. The first viewings of our beautiful house took place today. I feel gutted but there is nothing I can do about it. I am going ahead with everything as planned. Sometimes I feel sad about it other times I feel that we are doing the right thing. Yes it is a very painful process, particularly when you are still living together. In my case, I have 3 children. It is particularly painful when she seems really excited about buying a new house. She surrounds herself with New Home magazines etc. and talks to me about the types of fixtures and fittings she is planning to have. Elvenpriestess, be strong. Thee is nothing that you can do to change the situation. Try not to think about him or the past. Start thinking about your future. Be positive and happy or fake it until you can make it. Take the reins and steer your life in the direction you want. Go out and visit friends. Shut him out of your life. He is not thinking about you and is not feeling your pain. He is too busy celebrating the beginning of his new life. Try to do the same. Do you live in London? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 I just don't get why he ever comes around here. He can stay elsewhere I can't. And he is so happy with the divorce thing he should just LEAVE ME ALONE at home, not come back, not say "I'm leaving and may be back." Then I'm curious. He took my life away. Why do people do that? I need all the strength out there because I've never been through a divorce. Thank you all for listening to me. Much love to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Love yourself now! Honestly, that's a bit crude. This is not the time, nor the place, for these sorts of comments. Otherwise, I agree with what you are saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 Hi Elvenpriestess. I went to the solicitors the day before yesterday to start the divorce, somewhat reluctantly. I had to do it as my STBXW wanted the divorce but did not want to start it. Out of guilt I guess. I met her at a restaurant after that, we had dinner and asked her if she wanted a glass of champagne to celebrate. She asked what is there to celebrate? I said, well you wanted the divorce and I have just started the ball rolling. She said that sometimes she has regrets. I said that we could still be good friends. The first viewings of our beautiful house took place today. I feel gutted but there is nothing I can do about it. I am going ahead with everything as planned. Sometimes I feel sad about it other times I feel that we are doing the right thing. Yes it is a very painful process, particularly when you are still living together. In my case, I have 3 children. It is particularly painful when she seems really excited about buying a new house. She surrounds herself with New Home magazines etc. and talks to me about the types of fixtures and fittings she is planning to have. Elvenpriestess, be strong. Thee is nothing that you can do to change the situation. Try not to think about him or the past. Start thinking about your future. Be positive and happy or fake it until you can make it. Take the reins and steer your life in the direction you want. Go out and visit friends. Shut him out of your life. He is not thinking about you and is not feeling your pain. He is too busy celebrating the beginning of his new life. Try to do the same. Do you live in London? Nope, I'm on Okinawa, and that's the hardest part. As you can imagine. All our friends are mutual . Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 EP, is there any chance that you can go back stateside to your friends and family? Some distance from him, might help. Beyond that, your STBXH appears to be a selfish man, with addictions not only to porn but to keeping in touch with past women, that he's determined to maintain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 EP, is there any chance that you can go back stateside to your friends and family? Some distance from him, might help. Beyond that, your STBXH appears to be a selfish man, with addictions not only to porn but to keeping in touch with past women, that he's determined to maintain. You understand my story well TBF. And you're right. I can't get state side until the divorce is done and the military ships me and my stuff back. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 You understand my story well TBF. And you're right. I can't get state side until the divorce is done and the military ships me and my stuff back. How much more time will this be? Have you discussed the possibility of him moving out, with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 How much more time will this be? Have you discussed the possibility of him moving out, with him? That's the thing, is he won't talk about ANYTHING. No matter how calm I am. It's like I'm dangling on a string and he pulls it because he has control, and he won't give anything. And the only thing I know for sure is come Monday paperwork will be processed and signatures will happen. Other than that I'm a sitting duck. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 I'm really sorry... I think that's his way to cope with this. It's not the best way, mind you.. but that's probably the only way he knows... If you could go back to your family would be the best way for you to cope... it's hard to be in a foreign country to feel such pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted January 5, 2008 Author Share Posted January 5, 2008 I'm really sorry... I think that's his way to cope with this. It's not the best way, mind you.. but that's probably the only way he knows... If you could go back to your family would be the best way for you to cope... it's hard to be in a foreign country to feel such pain. Geeze you said it. I guess what I'm wondering is, how should I act around him? Ignore him? Act confident and strong? Be pleasant? Act like he's not there? What would you all do? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Geeze you said it. I guess what I'm wondering is, how should I act around him? Ignore him? Act confident and strong? Be pleasant? Act like he's not there? What would you all do? I think I would do what he does.. go out.. even if you go out window shopping.. he doesn't know that... Make him see a strong independant woman... If he sees you continually with swollen eyes.. he will lose all respect for you because he will see you as dependant. Link to post Share on other sites
guessjeans Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 I met my ex when I was 16 years old. We were together until I was 43 yrs old...and remained in each other"s life , neither of us dated anyone else, until recently when he began to date someone seriously. When i saw that you wrote "he ruined my life"..omg girl! No one can ruin your life except YOU!. When i left the family home of over 26 yrs, I had never paid a household bill, he did all that. He even did the laundry. He looked after the family vehicles, etc. He did a lot to keep the family running. What I am saying is, I was naive when I first left. You dont think it killed me to walk away from our home..our community, our neighbours, to go and take my son of 16 at the time, into a rental unit, a different neighbourhoold, different way to school...I was scared silly. For the first time in my life, I was alone! Alone to make decisions and most important, alone to make mistakes. And yep, there has been a few bumps in the road...but you can get past all this "garbage" that is bringing you down and become the strong person that you. I am much better equipped mentally to handle just about anything right now. I have dusted myself off and pulled myself back up I dont know how many times in the last 4 or 5 yrs. But im almost there! I own my own home now, about to finally get the permanent job that i want, going to sell my home in the spring to buy just alittle bigger one for me and my son. Baby steps girl! No body can make you feel anyway unless you let them! Take that anger and put it all into taking the steps to get what you want, and making things better for yourself. I can see ya now...tall, beautiful, self confident, you are turning heads girl..everyone is watching you! Because you have a shine about you, that makes the rest of us envious. You go girl! You can and will move forward and get past all this towards a better life guessjeans Link to post Share on other sites
Dolly Dagger Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Put soap on his toothbrush. That is money, right there. OP, keep your chin up sister. Try as hard as it might be to not allow him to see you cry. Try as hard as you can to let him go. I am sorry that you have to deal with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Dolly Dagger Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 I think I would do what he does.. go out.. even if you go out window shopping.. he doesn't know that... Make him see a strong independant woman... If he sees you continually with swollen eyes.. he will lose all respect for you because he will see you as dependant. I agree with this totally. And, if you could manage to not make it home for a few nights. Stay at a GF's house or something. Don't tell him where you've been. Maybe take up some new hobby or something. Anything to get your mind off of him and show him that this will not break you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted January 6, 2008 Author Share Posted January 6, 2008 I think last night I showed strength DD. He went out with out me, and came home at like 4 am. He wanted to talk to me. Had apologies to make, then wanted me to go to bed with him. I said no. Then today he left his myspace open. I read through a message (I know I'm wrong for doing it, but it IS my computer, but I know it's an invasion of privacy) The original message was complete sexual content, explicit, about what she likes, this friend of his, what turns her on, etc. His reply: I like this side of you, especially the part about good guys gone bad. Her: There's a lot you don't know about me;-) Him: Um....how can I learn? So I was upset, but stayed calm enough to ask him about it. He claims "It's innocent joking." It took me 15 minutes of explaining why it's not appropriate, as he is STILL married right now, NOT single or divorced yet. He got it, agreed, and when I asked what he'd say to her next reply and he just said "Let me worry about it." We're still married. Is this NOT completely out of line? Bad on me for peeking, bad on him for doing this. What do you guys think? Should I even care? Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 As of yesterday my H decided to go ahead with the divorce proceedings. And today he leaves and I call to find out if he'll even come home. We sleep in separate rooms. He picks me up to go to a bar, a couple hours later drops me off at home and continues with friends to another bar. This alone should convince you should divorce the man. Think of it as being set fianlly free from your misery. Being in the same house with him is not at all a good idea? Can you not go and stay with friends or family for a while? Or ask him to leave? Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 6, 2008 Share Posted January 6, 2008 Curm will give me an infraction for my sloppy writing so I'll correct my typo errors. This alone should convince you that you should divorce the man. Think of it as being finally set free from your misery. Being in the same house with him is not at all a good idea. Can you not go and stay with friends or family for a while? Or ask him to leave? Whew!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ElvenPriestess Posted January 6, 2008 Author Share Posted January 6, 2008 Marlena, he leaves often on the weekends since he's off, and as far as week days, there's work and all. Nights though he just wants to be left to his own. But still here none the less. I can't go anywhere, my friends don't live where I can stay with them. Last night he made a plea for me to work things out, said he'd been unfair, as I said last post. BUT today I asked if it was out of guilt that he made the offer he said yes. I said then no. I won't have that, I will never stay with someone who wants me out of guilt. I called that one. I can't wait to feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
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