How do you KNOW that your affair isn't contributing to the decline of their marriage?

[sarme]

I actually had planned to spread the e-mails. So I found out as long as I didn't put them in mailboxes I couldn't get into trouble with the law, and I had no intention of letting anyone catch me, but that isn't what happened because I respected her children and husband more than she respected mine.

 

And I said that they had sex in the parking lot of my school and that she used PTA funds for hotel rooms. And I did threaten to tell the PTA board if she didn't repay the money and leave the board. She agreed and that was that.

 

As far as crazy goes, I think I am always walking that line.

 

LOL you made me laugh with that last line, I think we all are. I didn't mean that in an insulting way I just meant that while people will talk regardless, to do something like that that can be pegged back to you only makes people think "well no wonder he did X look at how unstable she is" when women speak of crazy revenge things they do to get back at their spouses for cheating like "I made sure that they never end up together" or "I spread rumours of them in in the office" or whatever just makes the person look unstable. If you really feel like you are ridding yourself of garbage or some worthless human being what is the purpose of revenge? Revenge means I am very affected by what you did and need to get reassurence from others, but instead of reassurance it leads to misconceptions. It just feels bad in the end. I think you did the absolute right thing and you will get all the reassurance and support you need because you are the stable one in this situation not the unstable one. We all have crazy thoughts but to act on them is what makes people sociopaths.

[underpants]

We all have crazy thoughts but to act on them is what makes people sociopaths.

 

Sometimes the right sociopath can be your best friend...in these matters.

[bentnotbroken]

Sometimes the right sociopath can be your best friend...in these matters.

 

 

 

Hey some of those sociopaths are my relatives and yes even my best friends.

[bish]

Come on.. that's baloney... If God was soooo good... he wouldn't have allowed the partner to stray in the first place... you'd still be with him...

 

If God were so good...he wouldn't allow OW/OM to engage in their despicable behavior.

[bish]

This is where we disagree. I don't think it's worthwhile to salvage any marriage where one party had an affair.

 

I totally agree. I was one of the ones that tried for a brief period of time because I didn't want my kids to be taken out of their home.

 

But in the end I said, "aww hell no!" and filed for divorce.

 

Nobody should have to live with a cheater....except the people they cheated with...they deserve each other and are saving 2 other people in the process.

[OWoman]

Lizzie, I've seen any number of other OW say that same thing on this board.

 

There's nothing wrong with believing that, IMHO.

 

Except for the fact that this isn't what MM agreed to when he got married. It darn sure isn't what his BW agreed to either.

 

Well, sometimes it is... My MM and his W only married for financial reasons, when laws / policies changed in their country, after living together for years.

 

But having been what they agreed to at the time doesn't necessarily mean BOTH still view it that way - people's views and beliefs change over time and also as people get older they get more conservative, and the radical ideas of free love and brotherhood they espoused in their younger days go out the window when there are kids and housing bonds and income tax to deal with.

 

Thing is, if my MM wanted to take his W at her word, he's done absolutely nothing wrong in having an OW from all the things she's ever said... But at the same time he knows that whatever she said, she'd still be hurt at his doing so, because some of what she said was bluster and bravado and some the idealism of youth, long since overlaid with the clinginess of middle age. (Perhaps that's why she didn't believe him when he told her?)

 

But I suppose it's far easier for all of us to cherry-pick and see the bits we want to see, and overlook those that don't fit so seamlessly with what we'd like to see.

[bentnotbroken]

If God were so good...he wouldn't allow OW/OM to engage in their despicable behavior.

 

 

 

He didn't allow them to engage. He gave them free choice as he does everyone. The consequences are clear as to what will happen if we chose the wrong path. Their consequences came a lot earlier than others and IMO are still coming. As she will be in jail if she continues to harass me.

[jj2007]

perhaps I got you confused with another poster earlier who was cutting and pasting things from my past threads that were totally irrelevant to this conversation trying to get at what really?!?!

 

Umm... It was relevant. Owl and Bent asked you if you had ever been in a long term relationship where you were betrayed and I didn't see where you answered that so yes I pasted that from another thread to answer their question. So it sounds pretty relevant to me;)

[luvmy2ns]

"Who cares" in the sense that pointing out to me that I am with a lowlife man as some have tried to imply with the yuck comments etc simply because of how we met is what I refer to as who cares, to them. I dont care enough to deter me from no proceeding beacause we both did the unthinkable so we are both on the same level. Since I chose to rise above how we met then why should anyone else? We met under less than perfect circumstance but our paths crossed for a reason and it feels good to be in each other's lives, so when I look at the grand picture that is what I mainly focus on "it feels good that we are in each other's lives" so who cares if we met how we did love for us prevailed and though we can't ever let this happen again we also cannot live in our past mistake. The thing is and this is something that came out in one of our sessions and he says to me "look if I want out of the relationship again it means we are not doing what we can to make it work or one of us falls out of love or whatever, but seeing another partner as a means to new happiness is the not the answer, I never saw you as means to new happiness I saw you as the woman of my dreams the one I had hoped for all my life and never came around, this isn't going to happen to me again, this level of love/connection doesn't happen many times in your life it only happens once so why would I jeaopardise this to be with someone else?" I know this is hard to read for some but he honestly never felt like this about his W, he really didn't. I feel like for him this is the real deal. He as always faithful to his W and there was never any reason for him to stray even though he was unhappy for many years, I was his first and last and I have to trust that until proven otherwise. HE didn't skip out on me/us he skipped out on them for the dynamic they built together.

 

The "yuck" wasn't because of how you met. It was because of him leading his poor ex W on to believe they still had a chance JUST so he'd have a place to live while you two continued to f each other behind her back. And then you go on and on about how you two went to counseling "so you wouldn't cause any pain." Puhleez! Do you not think his lying AGAIN to his wife JUST to stay in the house didn't hurt her? I maintain your man is less than a man ought to be.