Lizzie60 Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 WOW ... I am completely out of the loop on this one... I should go back and read the thread thoroughly because I didn't see anything outrageous about it... If the fact that you had an homosexual relationship is the reason for all this hoola... then I'm speechless... I don't see why it should even matter... your past belongs to you and whether you choose to share it or not.. is solely your business. Don't leave a forum you like just because some people were out of line... it's not fair to you.. Oh well... I saw no big deal about it... maybe I missed other details.. I'm not sure.. but I really saw no big deal... Sorry you felt that way... and happy that you're back. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 Otherwise, I don't know what you're referring to when you say "what the deal is with threads around here being deleted etc -" because that is extremely rare. I think her comment here may be the opposite of what you are used to hearing... She had mentioned in the other thread that she had asked the mods to delete her post that had precipitated the reactions, and I took her comment to be wondering why that couldn't have happened, i.e. she had wanted it deleted, but it wasn't. I agree, though, with the general policy of not deleting posts except in extreme circumstances. Keep your anonymous identity protected, and once you hit the Submit button, it's "out there." Also, I agree that once others have commented on a given thread or post, the OP is no longer the only one with energy and thought invested, so deleting a thread really negates the contributions of everyone who has participated, and therefore, should not be done lightly. My fingers are twitichng and I am thinking what a perfect excuse happy new year is to contact him! I could pretend its to everyone on my phone. Throw into the mix the booze and high spirits - well, I'm glad I felt I could come back to LS. I'm glad, too. My comment on this: your healing will be best served by being honest first with yourself. You may want to pretend for someone else's sake, but make sure you are clear with yourself what you are doing and why. Fooling yourself will only muddy your own thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 IS, don't bother, even by pretending to send it to everyone and he happened to be on the list. HE DOESN'T deserve a Happy New Year from you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted December 30, 2007 Share Posted December 30, 2007 I should go back and read the thread thoroughly because I didn't see anything outrageous about it... Oh well... I saw no big deal about it... maybe I missed other details.. I'm not sure.. but I really saw no big deal... Sorry you felt that way... and happy that you're back. I did go back and read the thread and I didn't see anything outrageous about it. I didn't see a big deal about it either, but I agree with all, I am so happy that you're back. Your words and your experiences have the power to help more than you will ever know. Link to post Share on other sites
imstunned Posted January 1, 2008 Share Posted January 1, 2008 Well - I popped a little post on the new years reolutions thread that my aim was just to get through New years Eve without contacting him, and then updated saying I managed as I spent most of the night with my head in a bucket! How very glam!! There is one at every party and last night it was me! Still it kept me busy and I didnt contact him. So far so good. What I really was not expecting is the utter dissapontment that he hasnt contacted me. Concerning really as I thought I had well and truly accpeted that it was over- but I cant have really if I'm so dissapointed not to have heard from him. I really do have a thick skull!! I read somebodys post that said they had been hoping for a crack to appear in the door so their relationship could be rekindled, and that were realizing that rather than a crack appearing in the door - the door wasnt there at all (or something like that) - it struck a cord with me. I'm going to keep telling myself that there IS NO DOOR!! I hope that things will get easier now that Christmas and new Year is over. Everyone normally feels a bit flat when its all over - I'm just very very glad. One less fantasty vision of me to have of him and his family. I just wish to god I could see that he probably dosent have the fantasy life I envisige him having, isnt the father and husband I imagine him being to his wife, and probably isnt a very happy man. He even told me that himself. I just wish I hadnt fallen in love with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Well - I popped a little post on the new years reolutions thread that my aim was just to get through New years Eve without contacting him, and then updated saying I managed as I spent most of the night with my head in a bucket! How very glam!! There is one at every party and last night it was me! Still it kept me busy and I didnt contact him. So far so good. stun, I guess I'm sorry and happy for you, all at the same time... What a way to get through it! What I really was not expecting is the utter dissapontment that he hasnt contacted me. Concerning really as I thought I had well and truly accpeted that it was over- but I cant have really if I'm so dissapointed not to have heard from him. I really do have a thick skull!! You know, I don't see it that way (the thick skull thing...) In fact, we know that we can't easily and immediately control our emotions and feelings just by intellectual thought - it takes time and work. So you are having difficult emotions, but you are in touch with yourself enough to be able to make reasonable interpretations of them: I'm disappointed, so I may not truly be over it. I think this is honest and understandable. Don't be too hard on yourself for not "getting over it" as quickly as you might like. You know that no one else can help you by saying "Oh, you just need to get over it quickly," right? Well, you can't do that to yourself, either, so don't beat on yourself. You will get over it eventually, you will heal, and your own strength and force of will will be a component of that slow process, but don't hold yourself to a standard of "I know I need to get past this, so by tomorrow I will be..." and then be disappointed in yourself for not succeeding at that. Stay true to yourself, and remain a friend to yourself. Be honest with yourself, but not abusive or confrontational. Think of yourself as having "thick armor", think of it as a sign of strength - but not a thick skull. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 Yes, there is no door. It's a brick wall.. Happy New Year, and I hope this year brings inner peace and good health to you. Link to post Share on other sites
syz Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 hey I just caught what went down and wanted to offer a word of support. Openbook was Waaaaay out of line suggesting you and your ex are somehow morally equivalent and that the advice should somehow be different or not offered at all. The only thing I could even see being remotely relevant was by way of explaining why fitting in might have been so important to you and why this Relationship and the way it turned out is even further devastating. I'm gay and know what you mean about getting stares and people having an attitude. My girlfriend and I take her kids to school and sometimes get looks from some parents...oh well whatever. But you know it does get wearisome sharing this planet with all that.. but I digress. My best friend is a bit like you having had one r with a woman and recently with a man that completely betrayed her. my advice was the same regardless and I can't see how the gender of the people changes one thing about your situation or betrayal in general what so ever. The only thing that is relevant is what things mean to you and that is different for all of us no matter what plumbing we are trying to have productive meaningful relations with. Sometimes people just can't help but open their mouths and let all the stupid out.. I'm glad you found your way to anti d's. I had to after my ex's affair. I was afraid at first but you know I see it like this... We wouldn't go into surgery and do very well if the dr didn't stich us up. We'd be just full of silly bravado if we didn't further take the pain killers that were offered. Why then when life dissects our spirits and hearts not treat it the same way. Betrayal opens you right up like the red sea. Link to post Share on other sites
imstunned Posted January 2, 2008 Share Posted January 2, 2008 thanks guys - the dissapointment to not have heard from him has really taken even me by suprise. I knew I was holidng out hope that I would hear from him again, but tears again today!! Didnt think I would be this dissapointed. Maybe if I do get my head around the brick wall which way - or even no door - I'll get there. Trimmer - thanks for your words of wisdom , your posts to me when i first came on here BLEW ME AWAY. Im glad you are still posting to me. Syz- thanks for the support too - I'm not on anti d's I am resisting, rying to see how I go. I no longer want to spend all day in bed - thats progress I guess. I only have one new years resolution, and its to try and stop giving myself such a bloomin hard time. i beat myself up all the time about still missing my ex and - yes still wanting him. I'm going to try not to anymore. Its not helpful!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWoman Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 thanks guys - the dissapointment to not have heard from him has really taken even me by suprise. I knew I was holidng out hope that I would hear from him again, but tears again today!! Didnt think I would be this dissapointed. Well stun, of course you're disappointed! You love someone, and they don't make any effort when there's a perfect excuse and opportunity to do so... what's not to disappoint? On the other hand, he's got to know you're disappointed. And he's got to know HE'S disappointed you. That's a pretty big knock to a guy's ego - especially a guy who constructed a fake identity as a hero! How do you recover from something like that? How do you back down and become "normal" again? Dunno - and I don't think he does, either. But take care of yourself, and your daughter, and be kind to yourself. It's early days yet, give yourself a break. (hugs) Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Hugs, Imstunned. And happy new year:) Link to post Share on other sites
imstunned Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Well stun, of course you're disappointed! You love someone, and they don't make any effort when there's a perfect excuse and opportunity to do so... what's not to disappoint? On the other hand, he's got to know you're disappointed. And he's got to know HE'S disappointed you. That's a pretty big knock to a guy's ego - especially a guy who constructed a fake identity as a hero! How do you recover from something like that? How do you back down and become "normal" again? Dunno - and I don't think he does, either. But take care of yourself, and your daughter, and be kind to yourself. It's early days yet, give yourself a break. (hugs) Thanks - you make the way I feel sound sensible rather than stupid. I still feel dissapointed, I feel as flat as a pancake!! I had hoped to be full of enthusiasm and hope for 2008. In actual fact I am just very very scared of the future, I have no idea what it has in store for me, or if I can make steps towards what I want. Thanks for the hug Whiteflower. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 thanks guys - the dissapointment to not have heard from him has really taken even me by suprise. I knew I was holidng out hope that I would hear from him again, but tears again today!! Didnt think I would be this dissapointed. Maybe if I do get my head around the brick wall which way - or even no door - I'll get there. Trimmer - thanks for your words of wisdom , your posts to me when i first came on here BLEW ME AWAY. Im glad you are still posting to me. Syz- thanks for the support too - I'm not on anti d's I am resisting, rying to see how I go. I no longer want to spend all day in bed - thats progress I guess. I only have one new years resolution, and its to try and stop giving myself such a bloomin hard time. i beat myself up all the time about still missing my ex and - yes still wanting him. I'm going to try not to anymore. Its not helpful!! No shame in anti depressants Stunned. No shame whatsoever. The only side effect I experienced was the emotional strength to pull my sh*t together. It's not a quick fix- it's not brain candy... but if there is a problem there that is chemically related (and yes- a traumatic event can trigger this, it's know as situational depression)... then meds can help. Meds saved me. I don't think they stopped me from being sad as much as they gave me the lift and tools necessary to save myself. ;-) Monitor yourself. Ask questions if you want. If you broke your arm and you were in pain you wouldn't hesitate to take pain meds- or if you cut yourself and needed stitches, you'd have it done. Antidepressants and the like work in the same way... and they help if you're a candidate. I hope you feel better. Get out of that bed!!! ok? Link to post Share on other sites
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