Asperger's and intellectual intimidation

[spookie]

Right before I left to come home, I briefly met this guy at the library that my best friend works in. We talked for a total of maybe 4 minutes, initiated by me (I was bored and had been drinking), but something I said must have struck some kind of chord with him because he asked for my email.

 

We've been messaging back and forth, and I've quickly realized that he's REALLY smart. On a whole different plane of intelligence from most people (including myself). I'm intimidated. I'm having trouble "being myself". We discuss thigns we have in common and he has pages to say where my comment would be "that's cool." Even though I've understood everything he's said, and I think it's interesting and a lot of it is stuff I've thought about, I don't think I'd even be able to express myself verbally on such a high level. I know I'm not dumb but I feel so dumb in relation to him.

 

I'm definitely attracted to him and everything I've learned has made me more and more interested (I think I'd even be willing to try harder to stop being so chaotic if I were dating a guy like him), and he's still messaging me every day despite my moronic responses, but I'm having trouble seeing what exactly I have to offer.

 

On a side note, he also mentioned that he'd been diagnosed with Asperger's, and I'm wondering if anyone's ever dated anyone with that condition. I've been reading up on it and it sounds good to me (no need for small talk, which I hate, and no mind games since he's incapable of playing them anyway) but specifically I am wondering about emotional/ sexual intimacy with Aspies, though I know it's early days yet.

 

I'd really appreciate some feedback. Thanks in advance.

[Jilly Bean]

I dunno, Spookie. While I commend you for being open-minded enough for getting involved with someone with an emotional disorder of this magnitude, (it is a form of autism), I myself would not have that interest. While you are perceiving him as being very intelligent, this is really his condition, which forces him to focus on certain topics for an extended period of time, and often using confusing or elaborate speech patterns and word choices.

 

I think you need to do some additional research. You will discover that those afflicted possess the following symptoms:

• Engaging in one-sided, long-winded conversations, without noticing if the listener is listening or trying to change the subject
  
• Displaying unusual nonverbal communication, such as lack of eye contact, few facial expressions, or awkward body postures and gestures
  
• Showing an intense obsession with one or two specific, narrow subjects, such as baseball statistics, train schedules, weather or snakes
  
• Appearing not to understand, empathize with, or be sensitive to others' feelings
  
• Having a hard time "reading" other people or understanding humor
  
• Speaking in a voice that is monotonous, rigid or unusually fast
  
• Moving clumsily, with poor coordination
  
• Having an odd posture or a rigid gait

Is this really someone you want to get involved with? I mean, there is no treatment for the disorder, besides behavioral therapy, which can present mixed results. Again, though I think it's swell you would consider someone like this, it seems like a doomed situation to me.

[Green]

hmmm I dunno I would just take it one step at a time and if u like the guy just go out with him and not think about so much what you have to offer... he is a man, you are a woman

[Nemo]

We discuss thigns we have in common and he has pages to say where my comment would be "that's cool."

Haha. That's what everyone says when I tell them what I've been recently working on. It doesn't mean that I'm smart. It just means that the crap is so specialised that it sounds impressive, yet marginalises most people to the extent of "that's cool."

 

I wouldn't worry about it in the least. You're feeling a little insecure about your abilities, which is the hallmark of any perfectionist. So you don't speak five languages fluently? Big deal. You're plenty smart.

[underpants]

Spook,

 

Are you the light to the dysfunctional moth man?

 

Can I please pass my torch to you?

 

As Jilly noted Aspergers is Autism lite.

 

They don't form relationships in a conventional way. There is NO connection. It is all very Spockish with a side of ADD.

 

Never expect more.

[Nemo]

They don't form relationships in a conventional way. There is NO connection. It is all very Spockish.

Are you sure one can be so black-and-white about this?

 

"What are you doing, spookie? Please don't touch that. Or that! Any attempt to generate intimacy between us will not be successful."

[spookie]

After spending 3 hours composing a suitable reply to his lengthy email, I have more confidence in my mental abilities/ what I have to offer. That was a good email I just sent off. Not as good as his, but I can have good grammar too when I try and I don't think it was boring.

 

 

I think you need to do some additional research. You will discover that those afflicted possess the following symptoms:

• Engaging in one-sided, long-winded conversations, without noticing if the listener is listening or trying to change the subject
  I can see signs of this already but what he says isn't boring. I think he's managed to tickle my brain more times in our week-long e-mail relationship than my ex did in three years
  
  
• Displaying unusual nonverbal communication, such as lack of eye contact, few facial expressions, or awkward body postures and gestures Saw signs of this too when I spoke to him but so what?
  
• Showing an intense obsession with one or two specific, narrow subjects, such as baseball statistics, train schedules, weather or snakes For him it's programming, but it's apparent from his website that he has some other interests too. He watches a ****load of television (he analyzed Heroes from the POV of quantum mechanics and the stand-aone theory for 2 solid pages in one email... all in perfect grammar, the thoughts perfectly coherent and followed all the way through) and reads ****loads of books.
  
  
• Appearing not to understand, empathize with, or be sensitive to others' feelings But from what I read on the subject, appearing not to doesn't mean he CAN'T. It just means he doesn't know how to communicate nonverbally like "normal" people. I think if I ended up falling for him I could keep this in mind and try harder to communicate in a language we both understand.
  
• Having a hard time "reading" other people or understanding humor. Fine by me. I usually find social awkwardness endearing... and I like that this would free me of the obligation to appear "normal", something I feel required to do with most people. I do have a sense of humor but feel that as long as there are enough other things going on in a relationship, it isn't necessary for someone to have it.
  
• Speaking in a voice that is monotonous, rigid or unusually fast. That's fine. My ideal relationship is one which doesn't involve a lot of talking, anyway. The #1 quality I look for in partner/friend is ability to remain silent. I communicate best via written word and physical affection - which is the one thing I DO have a fear about. Many, though not all, Aspies don't understand physical contact/ sex. That would be a deal-breaker for me. He's got to want to have sex.
  
• Moving clumsily, with poor coordination Meh.
  
• Having an odd posture or a rigid gait Could not care less.

Edited December 30, 2007 by spookie

[underpants]

Are you sure one can be so black-and-white about this?

 

"What are you doing, spookie? Please don't touch that. Or that! Any attempt to generate intimacy between us will not be successful."

 

I think those touched with Aspergers are by and large extremely intelligent. However, I theorize that it comes with the unfortunate expense of the inabilty to form a connected intimacy with another human, in a conventional way. Technology has come a long way to bridge this gap.

 

Just a guess.

 

Although, I do observe a really good love toward animals. More so then Humans. Which I find intriging.

 

My .02

[Trialbyfire]

spook, we all take for granted how someone communicates emotions. It's a combination of body language, facial language and verbal skills. Each person has a different weighted balance of the three.

 

When someone has AS, many of these signals will either not be evident or be expressed in unusual ways. If you find yourself feeling insecure in relationships with people who don't have AS, how will you feel with someone with AS?

[Nemo]

Each person has a different weight

Great observation. Hey! Wait up for just a minute... are you calling me fat?

[spookie]

spook, we all take for granted how someone communicates emotions. It's a combination of body language, facial language and verbal skills. Each person has a different weighted balance of the three.

 

When someone has AS, many of these signals will either not be evident or be expressed in unusual ways. If you find yourself feeling insecure in relationships with people who don't have AS, how will you feel with someone with AS?

 

All good points, but my insecurities in previous relaitonships generally stemmed from the fact that people often say one thing and mean another, which is precisely what someone affected by AS would tend NOT to do.

[Nemo]

I think those touched with Aspergers are by and large extremely intelligent.

What about their dress sense? Let's get to the real issues, here.

[underpants]

Man,

 

I just re-read my post and was appalled at myself for saying 'then Humans'. Not good. We are all Humans. It is just a different brand. The empathy thing is a hurdle.

[spookie]

"What are you doing, spookie? Please don't touch that. Or that! Any attempt to generate intimacy between us will not be successful."

 

What about their dress sense? Let's get to the real issues, here.

 

Hahahaha.

 

I might miss having someone with a sense of humor.

 

You're plenty smart.

 

Thanks.

[spookie]

Man,

 

I just re-read my post and was appalled at myself for saying 'then Humans'. Not good. We are all Humans. It is just a different brand. The empathy thing is a hurdle.

 

Cause it should've been "than"?

 

I know what you mean, though. And he's already expressed a love for penguins.

[underpants]

Test him for selfishness, before you get too involved.

[Nemo]

Unlike those with autism, people with AS are not usually withdrawn around others; they approach others, even if awkwardly, for example by engaging in a one-sided, long-winded speech about an unusual topic while being oblivious to the listener's feelings or reactions, such as signs of boredom or wanting to leave.

Hahahahaha! This sounds exactly like me... except that I lack all the fringe benefits, like:

Asperger called the condition "autistic psychopathy" and described it as primarily marked by social isolation. He called his young patients "little professors", and believed they would be capable of exceptional achievement and original thought later in life.

I'm ruling myself out.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome

[Trialbyfire]

Great observation. Hey! Wait up for just a minute... are you calling me fat?

Only in the head...

 

All good points, but my insecurities in previous relaitonships generally stemmed from the fact that people often say one thing and mean another, which is precisely what someone affected by AS would tend NOT to do.

If they're focused on the discussion point, I agree to an extent. They may just as easily brush off your issues, as incomprehensible or outside of their comfort zone. People with AS, can get aggravated by what seems to be basic emotion or a simple math problem. Sometimes they will display physical acts of aggression, when frustrated.

[Nemo]

And he's already expressed a love for penguins.

Tell him about one of your recent trips. Maybe you can go together to the next one.

 

http://www.penguin.net.nz/events/ipc/6IPC_Newsletter_25Aug07.pdf

[spookie]

Tell him about one of your recent trips. Maybe you can go together to the next one.

 

http://www.penguin.net.nz/events/ipc/6IPC_Newsletter_25Aug07.pdf

 

Hahaha I can't believe this is for real. Very awesome.

 

I bet everyone has AS there...

[Nemo]

I think my favourite one is Penguin personalities - consequences of individual stress-coping styles.

[Jilly Bean]

People never cease to amaze me, Spookie. And you forging ahead and challenging conventional neurology in order to date this man is fabulous.

 

However, on the sexual issue - do you ever watch Boston Legal? There is a character on there with AS. I don't remember the preface to this, but he was like the 40 year old virgin, and ended up in bed with a hooker. When she went to touch him, he screamed out in that uncontrollable way that austistic people do, and the act was never consummated.

 

I just think if you spend time with this person, you will find some very bizarre and strange behavior patterns will surface. Remember, this is autism, and will comprise a plethora of other emotional disorders, including OCD, sudden outbursts, uncontrollable physical movements, etc. Someone with AS does not function at an expected social level, and I think once you get past the blush of being attracted to his unilaterial intelligence, you may find the social stresses to be overwhelming.

[lindya]

People never cease to amaze me, Spookie. And you forging ahead and challenging conventional neurology in order to date this man is fabulous.

 

However, on the sexual issue - do you ever watch Boston Legal? There is a character on there with AS. I don't remember the preface to this, but he was like the 40 year old virgin, and ended up in bed with a hooker. When she went to touch him, he screamed out in that uncontrollable way that austistic people do, and the act was never consummated.

 

For a couple of months some time ago, I dated a guy who I am absolutely convinced had Asperger's. I googled various strange behaviours he seemed to have, and at the end of it all, that was my diagnosis.

 

All I will say about our one and only sexual encounter (which ended the relationship promptly) is that afterwards I spent the night balanced on the edge of the bed - so as to avoid physical contact - unable to sleep. I left at sunrise, never to return.

 

Good luck, Spookie.

[whichwayisup]

Learn more about the disorder, get to know him but don't let it get serious yet. Maybe he is just meant to be a friend...

[jumping-jacks]

These people that ask for e-mail addresses interest me. I've never heard of it.

 

There might be a reason he prefers e-mail over phone/text.

.