My girl's past is surfacing

[BetrayedMM]

Yeah, no turnaround(yet), but serious abandonment issues. OTOH since she maintains all those relationships, maybe not BPD, although those relationships may be chaotic.

I might be reading too much into it...

[melodicmaybe]

At this point, I this becomes more about you than her. You know there's no future with this girl. There's zero trust, and you have no respect for her as a person or a partner. You and every guy in this thread consider her a whore. And she might very well be. At the very least she has very different sexual standards than you do.

 

So the decent thing to do would just be to break it off completely and move on. If you want to keep sleeping with this woman, you need to be up front with her. Tell her you see no future with her, there's no possibility of emotional involvement on your part, but you'd like to continue the physical relationship until you meet someone else. That would, at the very least, be the honest and forthright thing to do. Lots of people have friends with benefits; she might be game.

 

If you don't think she'd go for that, and you continue to lead her on just to get a piece of a5s while you look for someone better -- then you will be behaving in as underhanded and contemptible a fashion as she is. Dishonesty is dishonesty no matter which one of you is doing it. There goes the moral high ground.

 

Just because she wants to be used, doesn't make it ok for you to use her. And if you're going to, at least be honest enough with yourself to fully acknowledge what it is you're doing.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

While I understand what your trying to say... the shoe just doesnt fit.

 

If she wanted different she would be putting her past behind her. He is actually treating her as her actions say she wants to be treated.

 

Now... I would recommend to him to just dump her and walk away, rather than just throw some emotional distance in there. But that's just so he can have some sense of moral superiority... otherwise... I can't really fault him for doing what she wants.

The shoe dose fit HE SNOOPED THU HER computer! HE SNOOPED THU her PERSONAL DIARY. She dident open it up and say here you go honey have a look at my sorted past! did she????

 

I honestly belive she may have forgotten about that stuff on HER pc. Espicaly since she was now happy with what she thought was a decent guy.

 

 

No he took it apon himself to go find it and when he dident like what he saw he got upset how can you justify him doing that??

 

And I'm sorry but his comments about useing her for just sex now are nasty and make him look no better or worse then the other men who used her!

 

Its like the pot calling the kettle black for christ sake. I agree he dose need to break up with her but not because of her faults.

 

Perhaps in the future he should get over his trust and need to controll issues and not snoop thu his gf stuff!

 

If that was me and my bf did that and treated me like hes doing to her. I would dump his @ss your past is your past and I don't belive in putting others thu hell over it you can't move foward if your stuck in the past!!

 

What she wants?? from how I read it all this girl wants is to honestly be in a loveing relashionship with some one who will treat her decent. Ok in the past she took the wrong route to find that but then again who hasent made mistakes in there past?

 

She hasent cheated on poster #1 he found some info he dident care for thu snooping and lieing to her he invaded her personal space and now hes putting her thu the 3ed degree! he is wrong for that! not her.

 

He sounds like an insceure controlling person to a degree for sure. Look you found out some stuff you don't care for great now if you can't get past her PAST then maybe its best to just move on.

 

But what gives you the right to say your going to go from being her bf to just useing her for sex?? Were you planing on telling her this? I wish she could see this thread!!

[SpanksTheMonkey]

At

 

Just because she wants to be used, doesn't make it ok for you to use her. And if you're going to, at least be honest enough with yourself to fully acknowledge what it is you're doing.

Im sorry but this is crazy talk who on earth wantes to be used??? She wantes to be loved but lets face it 95% of guys just want to get layed like 80% of the time.

 

She prob had/has very low self esteem and again to girls like that sex=love they think if they can get the guy to sleep with them then he will be her bf and love her. Its a sick and dangerious way to live life but it dosent mean they want to be used.

 

If anything she needs support from some one who can understand her and her past and truly care for her despite it. Also perhaps some counceling to help her deal with her past and move on.

 

But not for this guy to just put another notch on his bed post because she dosent add up to his expectations!

[Nevermind]

And I'm sorry but his comments about useing her for just sex now are nasty and make him look no better or worse then the other men who used her!

 

Amen.

 

No matter what she did, no matter what person she is - by doing this he is doing something wrong. And there is no talking around it.

 

Would I be really happy about finding those videos on the computer? No, and maybe those images would really make it dificult to see her as a sweet girl again. That's another issue. Break up with this girl. You are not right for each other.

 

But if you use her for sex, without being honest about it, you are not better than her nor her sexpartners. Maybe even worse, because she sees something in you beyong sex.

 

Stop screwing with both your lives. Pun intended.

[j_hunt_12]

I think people are being to harsh on the "use for sex" part here. OK, it's bad, but really the guy probably just feels insecure about the 30 guys and the saved videos. He was probably putting that up as a defense against everyone that would say "dump the whore... are you stupid?" There has been a lot. And snooping is bad, but everyone does it a little. Computer: you normally don't go brosing around a computer expecting to find tons of files of your GF fu**ing her past F****Buddies. I actually only keep what other people can see on my computer in case someone goes on it. Journal: no excuse there... that's ****y, but I do keep my journals hidden... it's tempting for other people.

 

Honestly, I only have the 0 or 1+ converstion with girls, but if I ever found out about a history like that, I wouldn't be able to handle it at all. I think the guy actually does like her and just feels horrible about the situation and is waiting to see if he can get past this crap.

 

The only thing I can say is try to make your decision quick, because you will probably never get past that. Seeing pictures like that is an extremely traumatic event (people are underestimating this), especially if you cared about her a good deal before. PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR PAST. And I don't think you will be able to gain the respect for her that a serious GF deserves. She is in love with you; please don't break her heart anymore if you can't make your decision yet... NO girl deserves that!

 

And yes, I think the number does show glimse about how much a girl cares for herself; this goes for guys too. Sorry, but I do. For health reasons if nothing else. Double standard? I actually keep my numbers down, but would never date a girl with a past like that, it's my lifestyle. But at the same time, nothing is wrong with people that do it differently.

 

Good luck and that whole thing really sucks..

[pickylady]

I'm sorry but you've been seeing this girl for what? 3 months and you expect her to be completely devoted to you already and controlled by you?

She's dating you and has the right to have sex and keep whatever videos she wants until it gets serious.

[Spectre]

Not makes, made. In the past. Some people can move past being "trashy".

 

And some can understand the difference between past, present, and future.

 

Really people, stop preaching, it is ever so cliche.

 

I just read the first page of this topic, how many people are gonna come in here talking about past is past, bla bla bla?

 

Of course the past is the past, no person needs to be told this. Of course people can change.

 

However, what people seem to forget is that a persons past molds into the person they will become. If your past is just banging every guy you see and making random porn videos with them, you are a whore. Don't try to sugarcoat it, don't try to call it sexual expression. It is flat out skanky to go hook up with a random guy and then also make a homemade porno with him, then keep it on your computer. THEN have the gall to suggest you forgot you had videos on your computer of some random dude slamming you? Yeah, right.

 

 

Remember, just because people have the capacity to change doesn't mean they automatically HAVE changed. See, and her behavior, doing stuff like being dodgy about her friend calling her to come out and hang out with a guy she used to hook up with, that behavior suggests she has NOT changed.

 

Another thing that makes me at least think she hasn't changed is the videos. As I said, people can change, but it usually takes something major to drastically change your ways, and when a person does usually change their ways..they wanna get rid of all the stuff that reminds them of their old ways. So an alcoholic would get rid of all booze, even wine coolers. A drug addict gets rid of all drugs and alcohol, anything that can alter your mood. For her, if she was really over changing, she would of gotten rid of those videos. Those videos represented everything that was bad about her before, the fact that she kept them tells me she hasn't changed as much as she thinks. Obviously I could be wrong, but I'm just giving my opinion. Especially when she knew her current bf had access to the computer they were on? Come on, even without snooping there is a chance he could of stumbled upon them.

 

People really need to stop saying.. "she COULD have changed"

 

yeah, that is nice. bottom line is, fact that she was dodgy about going to hang out with a guy she used to hook up with, and the fact that she kept homemade porn on her computer and lied about not remembering(it is SCARY to imagine a girl who could make porn like that and NOT remember it was on her PC)

 

So yeah, if you wanna base your argument off the fact that she might of changed, go for it.

 

Oh yeah, and I'll nip this in the butt too: I'm a guy, and NO it would not be cool if the situation was switched and the guy had 30 girls. Cuz you know most of those girls would of been one night stands. To me, only shady girls are gonna be sleeping with a man they just met, so it is nothing to be proud of that you got a whore to sleep with you. To keep the amen sisters and the double standard talk to yourselves.

Edited January 15, 2008 by Spectre

[Spectre]

You are too imature for a lasting or stable relationship. You also have too many insecurities about women, in general.

 

Are your repulsed or maybe jealous of her past?

 

It shouldn't matter; DO YOU LOVE THE GIRL? That's the only answer you should be asking yourself.....

 

What garbage. The man finds videos of his gf having sex with various men, it upsets him, so he is too immature for a lasting and stable relationship?

 

Christ almighty.

[Spectre]

Hell I just read the rest of the topic, and saw the whole myspace fiasco.

 

I mean damn, I hadn't seen that until AFTER I posted, but it shows Cobra and others like him were SPOT ON.

 

 

This chick is an attention whore, dump her.

 

 

Tell me again about how the past is the past...?

[Spectre]

One thing came to mind after the 'new info', especially after the reaction to being caught- sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. Google it, see if the symptoms fit.

 

 

I believe it is simply just a case of borderline whore disorder.

 

Or perhaps the muscles in her thighs continually spasm, thus causing her to spread them a lot..

 

 

EDIT: I just LOVE how this guy can post about how his gf kept various porn videos of her with other men, how she was dodgy about hanging out with past flings, and then he posts about the whole myspace deal.

 

Yet STILL people are focusing on him snooping or him saying he wanted to use her for sex.

 

Simply amazing. Really people, accept it. You were wrong, this girl is a whore and her past IS her present. It is fine and lovely if some of you can identify with having a promiscuous past and then were able to change your lives, but that doesn't mean this chick is the same, and obviously we found out she is indeed not the same. If you have a shady past and changed? Be happy, you are in the minority.

Edited January 15, 2008 by Spectre

[THE THRONE]

I believe it is simply just a case of borderline whore disorder.

 

Or perhaps the muscles in her thighs continually spasm, thus causing her to spread them a lot..

 

 

EDIT: I just LOVE how this guy can post about how his gf kept various porn videos of her with other men, how she was dodgy about hanging out with past flings, and then he posts about the whole myspace deal.

 

Yet STILL people are focusing on him snooping or him saying he wanted to use her for sex.

 

Simply amazing. Really people, accept it. You were wrong, this girl is a whore and her past IS her present. It is fine and lovely if some of you can identify with having a promiscuous past and then were able to change your lives, but that doesn't mean this chick is the same, and obviously we found out she is indeed not the same. If you have a shady past and changed? Be happy, you are in the minority.

 

THE THRONE is in agreement with you. People are blatently disregarding her actions and focusing on his snooping, which reminds me, he had every right to snoop.

[BetrayedMM]

I'm sorry but you've been seeing this girl for what? 3 months and you expect her to be completely devoted to you already and controlled by you?

 

Why might he expect a monogamous relationship? Even if it were normal and completely acceptable for people to breed like carp, there is still this:

 

she looked into my eyes and told me she loves me. She told me multiple times and said how she wants a future with me and only me.

 

I admit, I was taken in by her endearing words and the sincerity I felt from her. I was very happy

 

Sounds like it was her idea to me. He expected commitment because she insisted she was devoted to him.

Or are you saying he shouldn't have believed her or expected her to keep her word? Why not? She wanted him to believe her and trust her, don't you think?

 

I would have doubted it at that point, but that's just me.

 

He never said nor implied he wanted to control her. He did imply he would like to think she were capable of controlling herself though.

 

She's dating you and has the right to have sex and keep whatever videos she wants until it gets serious.

 

And he has a right to try and avoid a slow, horrible death from AIDS. His right to life trumps her right to be a wannabe porn star. Especially since she's the one telling him how serious she is.

 

Did you even read his posts, or did you just respond to the thread title?

[notyourbiz]

Oh come on! I mean yeah, if you don't like her past, fine, break up.

But what's the deal people? Just because she has slept around makes her less of a human? Sure, he needs to leave her 'cos there's no good coming out of that relationship... but the way you judge her makes it seem as if she wasn't a person worthy of finding love and happiness just because she happened to like sex. That is stupid. I'm sure someday she'll find someone who will care about her no matter what... everyone deserves love and respect. So stop putting her down.

 

OP just leave her and stop being miserable.