My girl's past is surfacing

[downthatslide]

Hey everyone, I have a situation that I'd like to share. In short, its tearing me apart, here goes.

 

I've been dating this girl now for almost 5 months. Its going great in the sense that we get along well and we seem very compatible. However, over the past few months, on several occasions, certain situations arise which stem from her past which are frightening, surprising, and often, revolting.

 

Early in our relationship, when we started to get "serious," we had the uncomfortable, but uniform, "How many people have you been with?" talk. She kept asking me first and I didn't feel comfortable talking about it that early, and finally she decided to tell me her's in hopes that I would feel comfortable enough to reciprocate. She's been with 25-30 guys. She told me she's only had 3 legit boyfriends, but has hooked up with the additional 25+ as well.

 

Needless to say I was surprised and a bit disgusted, but ironically she has practically no bedroom skills. She's the type that just lays there until I position her, or give her explicit instructions.

 

I kept seeing her, I tried to get past it and move on. Then 2 months ago, I discovered what can only be described as a boyfriend's worst nightmare. On her computer I discovered about 500 pictures and videos of her with many of these other men. They ranged from normal 'out to dinner' pictures, to the nightmare-ish videos of her getting pounded (rough sex too) in every imaginable position, screaming the guy's name, et cetera. Really, use your imagination, it was bad.

 

As you can guess, I flipped out. I was furious and very upset, but I was in control about it. I sat her down, told her what I saw, why it bothered me. I had her explain herself and she did an alright effort. She told me she still had these things because she simply never deleted them. Sounded like a load of garbage, but over the weeks, she proved herself, I suppose. She wrote me a long letter and told me how sorry she was that I had seen the stuff, said she truly wanted a future with me, those type of promises.

 

Then, it gets progressively worse, a few weeks later, she left her diary in plain view. It spanned 2004-2005 and I didn't read it cover to cover, but I did breeze through it. I saw that she had caught crabs as well.

 

I didn't bring this incident to her attention, but I sure haven't forgotten it.

 

Last month, I saw that her ex boyfriend had called her on a day that I was out of state. This I did address. She told me that he lives across the country but they do occassionally speak. She elaborated and told me that this guy was her first love and that he ended up in a mess of a life with kids and divorce with the girl he dated after her. As though this somehow justifies it, I again stuck with her.

 

And just this past weekend, she got a call from her friend who told her to come out to the local bar because someone she used to hook up with was in town. And when I asked her what was going on, this is when she got the call as we were together at the time, she wouldn't tell me. I pressed her to inform me, and she did. And I've been feeling ill since.

 

This whole thing probably sounds like nonsense. But I am on the fence about this. This girl is inherently crazy about me, she speaks to me with great sincereity and swears she wants to make "us" work. And I do feel she is a good person, and I want to let myself like her in the ways she claims to like me.

 

And she has been honest with me as far as I can tell. But the truth hurts alot.

 

But there are several problems in my way. First, I, flat out, don't want a whore for a girlfriend. Second, I told her I'd overlook her harrowing past if she truly would be mine. But with new problems stemming from her past, which effect myself now in the present, I cannot do it. Third, this weekly resurgence of past problems has got to stop.

 

At this point, I really am clueless. I want this to work, but again, only if I can be certain that no more problems from the past will arise. But at the same time, I cannot imagine what I'll do if I ever run-in to one of her past 30 people in public. I'm willing to keep seeing her and using her for sex as I don't feel comfortable committing to someone with such a past.

 

I am very confused and extremely torn about this. She tells me she's falling in love with me, but I really cannot return these feelings.

 

Anyone have a similar situation, or have any advise for me? I'm lost...

[norajane]

I'm willing to keep seeing her and using her for sex as I don't feel comfortable committing to someone with such a past.

 

I am very confused and extremely torn about this. She tells me she's falling in love with me, but I really cannot return these feelings.

 

Break up with her. You aren't in love with her and are just using her for sex now, like those other guys did.

[blind_otter]

This is why I never have the "numbers" conversation. My past is just that...the past. My present SO doesn't know how many men I slept with and we've been together 2 1/2 years. All he knows is that my STD screen is and always has been clean. I don't know his number either, and I don't WANT to know. KNowing this crap leads to retroactive jealousy (google it).

 

The pics on the computer are one thing, but reading her diary? I don't care if it was in plain sight, you had no business going there. I just had this talk with my SO's son. SO's son found his Dad's diary and acted like it was no big thing to read it. I had to explain to him that that stuff is private, even if it's left out in the open, and you ALWAYS ask the writer before you open their private thoughts.

 

Anyways, at the end of the day you don't seem to love her or care for her deeply, if you're willing to "use her for sex" -- which I'm pretty sure she's gotten a lot of in her past. Move on and let this be a lesson to you -- the past is the past for a reason.

[Bryanp]

I would seriously think about finding someone else. From what you described I would be scared as hell that she has some latent STD. In addition, she still seems to stay in contact with previous lovers. This is a very bad situation.

 

Finally, my guess is that she kept the videos because she is somehow proud of them. I seriously doubt that she simply forgot to delete them. If she was truly ashamed of them I am sure she would have deleted them immediately.

 

I see too many red flags for this to be a long term serious relationship.

[D-Lish]

You seem to do a lot of snooping.

Opening files on her computer and reading her diary???

 

Everyone has a past, and everyone has skeletons.

You said she's been honest with you about everything.... obviously a little too honest.

 

If you see her as a whore instead of a real person with a sexual history- then it will never work. I am pretty sure there is more to her than how many men she's slept with in her life and the fact that she has a penchant for kinky sex. But, if that is all you see her as- I wouldn't use her for sex. That would just make you a jerk- especially if you think she's falling in love with you.

 

If you can't see past any of those things you found out- and she was honest with you about... then I suggest you leave the relationship.

 

Having a lot of sex partner's doesn't make someone an evil whore.

 

I'd be bothered about her meeting an ex at a bar while she was with you. That is the only inappropriate she has done that I can surmize from your thread.

 

Don't use her for sex, that's just not okay.

[Stockalone]

If your own number is much lower (meaning you do not apply double standards) when calling her names and you feel that the lifestyle you associate with 25-30 partners would be uncompatible to your own, you have my sympathy.

 

 

As for the nightmarish discovery, that was your own doing. I am a guy who does ask the number question but I don't understand what going to her files or even reading her diary could accomplish.

Since you were already aware of her history, what were you looking for?

 

 

Now, calling her a whore seems like you have already answered your own question. If you think of her like that, how can you work around that thought in a relationship? If you can't or won't have a serious relationship because of her past, you should walk away. If you couldn't anticipate how knowing her number would affect you, ending the relationship based on her past is not something to be proud of but I would still say it is the right thing to do. For some people the past is the past, that doesn't mean you can't have a different opinion.

 

You should not be f***ing her anymore if you have no feelings for her. Quite frankly, I don't see how you can possibly be thinking about keeping her for the sex without applying a double standard?

[Jilly Bean]

This isn't about your gf having a past, it's about you being so insecure that her magic number is higher than yours, and you are threatened by her experience and worried you can't measure up to her beavy of former lovers.

 

I don't believe for one second that she left her diary open or that her computer happened to be pages of her pics and videos. You were feeling jealous and threatened, so you decided to snoop. Shame on you for that!

 

Honestly, if you consider her a "whore" because she has lived a life, then please do her a favor and break up with her. Otherwise, you're going to end up like that guy Genki who went mental on the forum about his gf's past as well.

 

The only problem I see that exists in your relationship with her is your insecurity.

[D-Lish]

OMG, I just that guy Genki's rant.

He's a nut.

[Cobra_X30]

 

I kept seeing her, I tried to get past it and move on. Then 2 months ago, I discovered what can only be described as a boyfriend's worst nightmare. On her computer I discovered about 500 pictures and videos of her with many of these other men. They ranged from normal 'out to dinner' pictures, to the nightmare-ish videos of her getting pounded (rough sex too) in every imaginable position, screaming the guy's name, et cetera. Really, use your imagination, it was bad.

 

I am very confused and extremely torn about this. She tells me she's falling in love with me, but I really cannot return these feelings.

 

C'mon... your GF makes porn with random guys. WTF are you still doing with her?

 

You should get out... fast! She is really trashy... let some other guy deal with her mental issues. If you try to stick it out... this will torture you and eventually come back to bite you in the rear. She just isnt GF material!

[spookie]

C'mon... your GF makes porn with random guys. WTF are you still doing with her?

 

You should get out... fast! She is really trashy... let some other guy deal with her mental issues. If you try to stick it out... this will torture you and eventually come back to bite you in the rear. She just isnt GF material!

 

Not makes, made. In the past. Some people can move past being "trashy".

 

And some can understand the difference between past, present, and future.

 

But I agree that he should get out, fast. Cause if he is willing to use her for sex, he probably doesn't care about her very much, and those kinds of relationships tend to be destructive for both parties.

 

BTW... it isn't "surfacing". #1 you didn't learn anything new in those vids, she'd already told you her number was high. And #2 you had to snoop to find them. Surfacing would be if she told you she was a virgin and then you found vids of her on your favorite porn site... not the same.

[Cobra_X30]

Not makes, made. In the past. Some people can move past being "trashy".

 

And some can understand the difference between past, present, and future.

 

But I agree that he should get out, fast. Cause if he is willing to use her for sex, he probably doesn't care about her very much, and those kinds of relationships tend to be destructive for both parties.

 

BTW... it isn't "surfacing". #1 you didn't learn anything new in those vids, she'd already told you her number was high. And #2 you had to snoop to find them. Surfacing would be if she told you she was a virgin and then you found vids of her on your favorite porn site... not the same.

 

Think! Your past is your present!

 

If you chopped off your hand in the past... its still gone now!

 

Her trashyness is getting in the way of him developing feelings. Thats why he should get out. From his description, she isnt really the kind of woman I would recommend getting serious with!

[Jilly Bean]

Cobra - are you the exact same person today that you've been for your whole adult life? Have you never done something that seemed like a good idea at the time, but months, or years later, hindsight gave you a new perspective on your prior actions? If not, then you are probably the only person out there who has never had a second thought about one thing they have done (or never went to a large university or spring break - lol).

 

I happen to think that people do have a great capacity for not only behavioral change, but also to have the insight to understand the consequences of their actions.

 

It's not her "trashiness" that is getting in the way of their relationship. It's his judgements on her PAST and his insecurity over her magic number. But I do agree 100% with you that he SHOULD get out, because with his attitude on her now being a "whore", the relationship is doomed with that mindset.

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra - are you the exact same person today that you've been for your whole adult life? Have you never done something that seemed like a good idea at the time, but months, or years later, hindsight gave you a new perspective on your prior actions? If not, then you are probably the only person out there who has never had a second thought about one thing they have done (or never went to a large university or spring break - lol).

 

I happen to think that people do have a great capacity for not only behavioral change, but also to have the insight to understand the consequences of their actions.

 

It's not her "trashiness" that is getting in the way of their relationship. It's his judgements on her PAST and his insecurity over her magic number. But I do agree 100% with you that he SHOULD get out, because with his attitude on her now being a "whore", the relationship is doomed with that mindset.

 

No... its about how we see ourselves and what we value. She doesnt value herself the way he wants a SO to. I know a portion of this is his insecurity... note the discrepency in how he describes thier sex life with the videos!

 

He is attaching his life to this woman... he has every right to judge. Just as she will be judging him.

 

Personally, I wouldnt get serious with a girl like that. If you let others treat you like that.... you have problems that I dont want to get stuck dealing with.

[spookie]

No... its about how we see ourselves and what we value. She doesnt value herself the way he wants a SO to. I know a portion of this is his insecurity... note the discrepency in how he describes thier sex life with the videos!

 

He is attaching his life to this woman... he has every right to judge. Just as she will be judging him.

 

Personally, I wouldnt get serious with a girl like that. If you let others treat you like that.... you have problems that I dont want to get stuck dealing with.

 

Don't you see though that your argument hinges on the assumption that she is the same person she was when she was making those videos?

 

A lot of us go through dramatic changes in our lives. I'm not saying she did, but she could have. I think it's silly to write off anyone who's ever made mistakes, because mistakes are how many people also gain their wisdom.

[Cobra_X30]

Don't you see though that your argument hinges on the assumption that she is the same person she was when she was making those videos?

 

A lot of us go through dramatic changes in our lives. I'm not saying she did, but she could have. I think it's silly to write off anyone who's ever made mistakes, because mistakes are how many people also gain their wisdom.

 

He needs to dump her and move on! The only thing making him stay is fear and insecturity. Not good things to build a relationship on.

 

Your personalizing this too much. If she had "changed", then the pictures and videos would be long gone... she would have wanted to erase the past. Think about it. She will not change if she doesnt regret anything. She is still hanging out with the guys from her past also... doesnt that tell you something? Yeah... she isnt GF material. Period... end of story.

[allina]

You have zero respect for her, a healthy relationship isn't possible here, end it. A part of me thinks that you're sort of a dick but then a part of me understands. I mean, you watched her "getting pounded" (your words) by several different guys, I don't think any guy would be able to love and respect his gf after that.

[D-Lish]

The arguement hinges on the same ole'. same ole'.

 

If a guy has a sexual past- he's cool.... but if a woman likes sex- she's a whore.

 

A man can either deal with the fact that his gf has had sex with other men- or he can't. The amount of men she's slept with has no bearing on who she is as a person. I dated a guy who had been with soooo many women- and he had done some crazy sh*t with those women.

 

I didn't base my judement of him on how many times he had gotten his rocks off before me. He was a smart, witty, sensitive man- and when we were together- he was with me and only me, and he was honest and kind, and faithful. It really only fell apart because he had to move with his job.

 

Come on- sex is often just sex with men- they can seperate the act from the emotions...and still be considered good people.

 

if you have concrete evidence she is cheating- let's talk about that.

If you are only concerned with her past- things that happened before you met....and you are invading her privacy to find about about it... that's your issue.

 

Snooping is uncool.

I know my most recent ex snooped my computer while I was in the bath - and he broke up with me because of it. Yeah, he would have found msn convo's with other men- an email from another suitor or two, perhaps a naked picture I took of myself...for myself and my ex that has long since left my head.

 

The point being... when my ex saw those things- he had no clue that those things were my PAST. When I met him, I blocked other suitors on msn- and I told my last date before him that I had found someone worth pursuing and was going to give it a go.

 

Past is past. So what.

[Krytie TV]

Dude, I think the information at hand transcends the snooping issue. Don't let the people here make it a snooping issue. My only thought is that if at this point, with all that you have seen, you are still with her, what the heck could we say to make any difference? You obviously have no ability to stand up for yourself and you must be desperate for a girlfriend or you wouldn't be dated a complete and utter whore. She is a freakin WHORE!

 

Wake up and get a set of balls, as yours have probably decayed and fallen off from some exotic STD that she gave you. Are you seriously telling me that you watched videos of her getting banged by random "hookups" and you're asking US what to do?

 

Good God... and I'm not a religious man. Man up. No girlfriend is worth that. Ugh... how can you even think of getting close or intimate with such a whore?

[Cobra_X30]

A man can either deal with the fact that his gf has had sex with other men- or he can't. The amount of men she's slept with has no bearing on who she is as a person. I dated a guy who had been with soooo many women- and he had done some crazy sh*t with those women.

 

I didn't base my judement of him on how many times he had gotten his rocks off before me. He was a smart, witty, sensitive man- and when we were together- he was with me and only me, and he was honest and kind, and faithful. It really only fell apart because he had to move with his job.

 

Snooping is uncool.

 

The point being... when my ex saw those things- he had no clue that those things were my PAST. When I met him, I blocked other suitors on msn- and I told my last date before him that I had found someone worth pursuing and was going to give it a go.

 

Past is past. So what.

 

Your all jumbled up and wrong.

 

Yes, snooping is uncool. Just as uncool as keeping secrets. If you cant tell him who you are and what you've done... then find someone else. Don't lie by omission. However... this applies only to long term relationships.

 

Now, he dumped you because your past was in your present. If you were over it, then that stuff would not be there. Thats just the way it is. He was more than likely a jerk anyway.

 

You have every right to make choices about who will be your SO based on thier past sexual experiences. The fact that you don't care to do so does not negate OP's right to make this choice.

 

Fact is that the majority of men place a value on innocence. Women rarely value this trait... so no point in hating on people because they have different priorities than you!

[Citizen Erased]

Dude, I think the information at hand transcends the snooping issue. Don't let the people here make it a snooping issue. My only thought is that if at this point, with all that you have seen, you are still with her, what the heck could we say to make any difference? You obviously have no ability to stand up for yourself and you must be desperate for a girlfriend or you wouldn't be dated a complete and utter whore. She is a freakin WHORE!

 

Wake up and get a set of balls, as yours have probably decayed and fallen off from some exotic STD that she gave you. Are you seriously telling me that you watched videos of her getting banged by random "hookups" and you're asking US what to do?

 

Good God... and I'm not a religious man. Man up. No girlfriend is worth that. Ugh... how can you even think of getting close or intimate with such a whore?

 

If the OP was a woman and this was a man we were speaking of, would you say the same thing? That he is a whore, probably picked up some disease, and she should break up with him asap? I'm truly curious.

 

OP: You should never have snooped. But that is not the issue. You will probably never come back from seeing those images. They will stay with you forever. This will never work. You clearly don't trust her, and now you have these images stuck in your mind. Not going to work hon!

[Krytie TV]

OP, let's chalk this up to incompatibility. This is obviously not the girl for you.

[Cobra_X30]

OP, let's chalk this up to incompatibility. This is obviously not the girl for you.

 

Hmmm... hangs on to porn she made with f***buddies. Keeps in close contact with ex's, and lies about phonecalls in regards to meeting up with ex FWB's.

 

I'd say you dont really need to be PC on this one!

[cutegirl]

 

Fact is that the majority of men place a value on innocence. Women rarely value this trait... so no point in hating on people because they have different priorities than you!

 

I do place a value on innocence in a man. I would never date a male slut or a guy who has banged loads of women. I would never be able to get the images out of my mind.

[Jilly Bean]

The arguement hinges on the same ole'. same ole'.

 

If a guy has a sexual past- he's cool.... but if a woman likes sex- she's a whore.

 

A man can either deal with the fact that his gf has had sex with other men- or he can't. The amount of men she's slept with has no bearing on who she is as a person. I dated a guy who had been with soooo many women- and he had done some crazy sh*t with those women.

 

I didn't base my judement of him on how many times he had gotten his rocks off before me. He was a smart, witty, sensitive man- and when we were together- he was with me and only me, and he was honest and kind, and faithful. It really only fell apart because he had to move with his job.

 

Come on- sex is often just sex with men- they can seperate the act from the emotions...and still be considered good people.

 

if you have concrete evidence she is cheating- let's talk about that.

If you are only concerned with her past- things that happened before you met....and you are invading her privacy to find about about it... that's your issue.

 

Snooping is uncool.

I know my most recent ex snooped my computer while I was in the bath - and he broke up with me because of it. Yeah, he would have found msn convo's with other men- an email from another suitor or two, perhaps a naked picture I took of myself...for myself and my ex that has long since left my head.

 

The point being... when my ex saw those things- he had no clue that those things were my PAST. When I met him, I blocked other suitors on msn- and I told my last date before him that I had found someone worth pursuing and was going to give it a go.

 

Past is past. So what.

 

Amen, sister. It is still a TOTAL double-standard.

 

But, if she was very enthusiastic with these other guys, and yet lies like a dead fish with him, maybe it really all comes down to the fact that he feels he doesn't turn her on enough, and can't measure up to her previous lovers. Again, insecurity...

 

And I also make a point to stay far away from insecure men who will "judge" my past. It portends of all kinds of future negative activity (like the poster snooping, jealousy, insecurity). I guess I prefer more confident men who are able to understand that everyone has a past that comprises mistakes and glory moments. And I don't think I owe ANY guy full disclosure on anything that happened in the past that doesn't directly affect him in my present.

[Tripper]

You have 3 problems:

 

The past: She's slept with 25+ guys and you're having trouble handling it.

The present: She stays in contact with some of these dudes and you're having trouble handling it.

The future: You can't undo the past. Will you have trouble handling it going forward? Probably.

 

I won't even touch the double standard debate since it is your moral compass that is causing you these issues. You've more or less implied that you think of her as whore.

Whether it was right or wrong to snoop, again doesn't matter. You know what you know, and it has added fuel to the fires of agony for you.

So, what to do??

Unless you can truly change your way of thinking and accept her as she is, which I doubt, please let her go. Do not use her for sex. Do not try to be friends.

Let her find someone who can accept her past and you find someone who's past you accept.