bish Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 You are too imature for a lasting or stable relationship. You also have too many insecurities about women, in general. Are your repulsed or maybe jealous of her past? This is just a little different in his situation. I agree...the past should remain in the past...but clearly this girl likes to hold on to her past and the videos of her screwing other guys. Would you think it is ok if your boyfriend had a video collection of him boning other girls and didn't want to get rid of them?
bish Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Ummmmmm... ya think??? She's obviously a whore who videotaped random sex acts with random people. I can't imagine not being a little repulsed by that. How he can even look at her face anymore without feeling nauseous baffles me. Oh I don't think there is anything wrong with videotaping yourself and your SO having sex....but you don't collect them and keep them once you move on with someone else...its just plain wrong. This guy has a right to be repulsed by her..not because of what he saw in the videos, but the FACT that she kept them and obviously isn't letting go of her own past.
D-Lish Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 How do you know she isnt lieing about falling in love? She has lied about so many other things. Where he to simply be safe... and do the right thing, you are exactly correct. Why is it Ok for other guys to do this and not him? Not to answer a question with a question... but I'm trying to illustrate the difference in how men think about this topic. Your points are all correct. I don't think there are cut and dry answers to this question Cobra. There's really not enough information to formulate why she did what she did- whether or not they were random guys- or bf's she might have actually cared about.... we know very little. I think you and I are simply looking at this situation from two different perspectives. I am looking at this from the angle that this woman is a human beings with feelings, plain and simple. I'm not one to make judgements on someone's past sexual history because I have experience working in a field with female teens who were sexually abused.... and I witnessed these girls acting out a lot of promiscuity following their trauma. All of these girls learned about sex at a very young age and in a very disturbing way.... and it always ended up that they equated sex with acceptance- sometimes defiance- sometimes as purposeful self deprecating behavior. I think that is where my humane side of this situation kicks in. These girls engaged in risky sex, some of them prostituted themselves, put themselves in harm's way.... But they were still human beings with a painful past, confused girls that rarely found their way out of that darkness and continue to repeat the same behavior as adults. When I hear a story about something like this, I can't help but be reminded that everyone has a story, everyone deserves a second chance- and no one deserves to be used for their body. I just use my story to illustrate that none of us know what her story is... and I wonder if she has experienced something damaging in her past that now manifests as the sexual behavior he found her to be engaging in from her past. I don't advocate that he accept what he found and forgive and forget. I don't think he will be able to do this...because what he found is pretty traumatic and a hurtful thing to experience. But just because other men may have used her- or she may have allowed herself to be used in the past...doesn't justify someone else doing it. I wouldn't be able to stay with her if I was him- but I wouldn't be able to continue to use her for her body either... That would just make me feel bad about myself. But that's just me and my opinion. I think he's justified to be disturbed by this, don't get me wrong. But I think it's also possible that there are things we couldn't possibly know that may be a poignant piece of her story. I knew the girls I worked with were prostituting and having sex with multiple partners.... but I also tucked them into bed at night, counselled them, knew their case histories and saw the pain in their faces... That is why I don't judge people right off the bat, and that is why I don't advocate that any person should use another person out of malice. Sorry for the long post Cobra- but you did ask. lol.
amisconception Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 D-Lish, Your work is commendable... Given the choice, no sane man would want a woman with that sort of past.
D-Lish Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 D-Lish, Your work is commendable... Given the choice, no sane man would want a woman with that sort of past. yeah, that job sucked the life out of me...which is why I don't do it anymore...lol. And you're right- as sad as it is... those issues will follow them around forever.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 People make choices in their lives. If you want to go sexually wild in your youth or for that matter, all your life, own it. Hiding this kind of thing can easily come back to bite you in the ass. I also think that's it's unfair to your partner, to not disclose yourself as a high risk candidate for STDs.
lino Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 How do you know she isnt lieing about falling in love? She has lied about so many other things. Where he to simply be safe... and do the right thing, you are exactly correct. Why is it Ok for other guys to do this and not him? Not to answer a question with a question... but I'm trying to illustrate the difference in how men think about this topic. Your points are all correct. I agree with this. OP, if you don't feel bad about it, I don't see any problem using her for sex until you find someone better & who is actually relationship material. After all she could even be doing it to you & just telling you that 'I'm falling for you' stuff because it's what you want to hear. Just make her go get checked for diseases straight away!
bish Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 People make choices in their lives. If you want to go sexually wild in your youth or for that matter, all your life, own it. Hiding this kind of thing can easily come back to bite you in the ass. I also think that's it's unfair to your partner, to not disclose yourself as a high risk candidate for STDs. It isn't really hiding it...the problem is she kept her sex videos. Totally unacceptable. He needs to dump her.
blind_otter Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 People make choices in their lives. If you want to go sexually wild in your youth or for that matter, all your life, own it. Hiding this kind of thing can easily come back to bite you in the ass. I also think that's it's unfair to your partner, to not disclose yourself as a high risk candidate for STDs. Following my second rape when I was 19 I was very promiscuous. I tend to not disclose this fact to potential partners. I do, however, show them my clean STD screen.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I don't think there are cut and dry answers to this question Cobra. There's really not enough information to formulate why she did what she did- whether or not they were random guys- or bf's she might have actually cared about.... we know very little. I think you and I are simply looking at this situation from two different perspectives. I am looking at this from the angle that this woman is a human beings with feelings, plain and simple. I'm not one to make judgements on someone's past sexual history because I have experience working in a field with female teens who were sexually abused.... and I witnessed these girls acting out a lot of promiscuity following their trauma. All of these girls learned about sex at a very young age and in a very disturbing way.... and it always ended up that they equated sex with acceptance- sometimes defiance- sometimes as purposeful self deprecating behavior. Sorry for the long post Cobra- but you did ask. lol. I understand where your coming from. Those types of abuse tend to scar poeple. It's good that you have been there and seen that, not enough people actually do. In regards to the OP. It doesnt matter why she does what she does. The action stands alone. So, if she allows other men to treat her in a certain way... then expects him to treat her differently, that devalues him in a very big way. You and everyone else on this thread needs to sit back and really think about why men are the way we are! If you just cry about a double standard and hypocrisy... you will fail to understand. What's past is not past. Your past is your present... and your future. You cannot lie and you cannot hide, so be careful what you do. Some mistakes affect your future options forever. If you think about it... I'm sure this will be clear to you.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 It isn't really hiding it...the problem is she kept her sex videos. Totally unacceptable. He needs to dump her. I see the taping and keeping of past experiences, as part of a wild sex life. You're keeping them for a reason, obviously to remember the turn-on. Following my second rape when I was 19 I was very promiscuous. I tend to not disclose this fact to potential partners. I do, however, show them my clean STD screen. blind_otter, I can't help but think that full disclosure, especially about your rape, is something you need to share with someone you have plans to have a relationship with. No matter how hard you try to bury it, it can sometimes resurface at the strangest times.
blind_otter Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 blind_otter, I can't help but think that full disclosure, especially about your rape, is something you need to share with someone you have plans to have a relationship with. No matter how hard you try to bury it, it can sometimes resurface at the strangest times. Oh I definitely talk about the rapes I suffered, as they led to some long-lasting issues with certain sexual positions...but to be honest I barely remember the men I had sex with directly following the second rape. I couldn't even tell you a number. I don't recall faces, names, or acts....I just know that things happened that I am not proud of because I felt so worthless and disgusting that I figured I was only worth what I could offer sexually. This is probably due to my long history with sexual assault, beginning when I was 5 years old and continuing into pre-adolescence and finally ending in my late teen years. My only experiences with sex, which began at a very early age, were violent and objectifying. So I only understood sex through those terms. I thought sex was about power, control, dominance, pain, torture. It took many many years of therapy, and many failed relationships with violent men before I could relate to my own sexuality. I'll often tell this to men I'm with. My current SO knows only sketchy details of my past sex life. To be honest, he has said he doesn't really want to know. I'm a different person now, thanks to therapy and medication. So I disagree with the statement that our past is our present, and our future....I completely and utterly disagree with that. If this were true, I would still be trapped in a hellish world of PTSD and rape trauma syndrome. I would still believe that all men are violent users who hurt women for pleasure. This was all I knew from age 5 to age 19. I can't accept that my past is my present. I've worked hard to make that NOT so.
Cobra_X30 Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I'll often tell this to men I'm with. My current SO knows only sketchy details of my past sex life. To be honest, he has said he doesn't really want to know. I'm a different person now, thanks to therapy and medication. So I disagree with the statement that our past is our present, and our future....I completely and utterly disagree with that. If this were true, I would still be trapped in a hellish world of PTSD and rape trauma syndrome. I would still believe that all men are violent users who hurt women for pleasure. This was all I knew from age 5 to age 19. I can't accept that my past is my present. I've worked hard to make that NOT so. If the past were not your present... then we would not be talking about this right now. That make sense? It means that your past has shaped and molded who you are today. You are well aware of that fact. It doesnt mean that you cant or wont change... it means that what you have done and where you have been affect you and mold you into what you are right now. In regards to your SO... a dont ask dont tell policy is often a good way to go in these situations. It's difficult to explain... but for many men the emotions involved are more easily buried as long as there are no details.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Oh I definitely talk about the rapes I suffered, as they led to some long-lasting issues with certain sexual positions...but to be honest I barely remember the men I had sex with directly following the second rape. I couldn't even tell you a number. I don't recall faces, names, or acts....I just know that things happened that I am not proud of because I felt so worthless and disgusting that I figured I was only worth what I could offer sexually. This is probably due to my long history with sexual assault, beginning when I was 5 years old and continuing into pre-adolescence and finally ending in my late teen years. My only experiences with sex, which began at a very early age, were violent and objectifying. So I only understood sex through those terms. I thought sex was about power, control, dominance, pain, torture. It took many many years of therapy, and many failed relationships with violent men before I could relate to my own sexuality. I'll often tell this to men I'm with. My current SO knows only sketchy details of my past sex life. To be honest, he has said he doesn't really want to know. I'm a different person now, thanks to therapy and medication. So I disagree with the statement that our past is our present, and our future....I completely and utterly disagree with that. If this were true, I would still be trapped in a hellish world of PTSD and rape trauma syndrome. I would still believe that all men are violent users who hurt women for pleasure. This was all I knew from age 5 to age 19. I can't accept that my past is my present. I've worked hard to make that NOT so. Your current SO has made his own decision not to want to know, which is his choice. Do you feel it's acceptable if you hid it all from him and he did want to know?
blind_otter Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 Your current SO has made his own decision not to want to know, which is his choice. Do you feel it's acceptable if you hid it all from him and he did want to know? I think in some way it would be acceptable...this information is privileged. It's very private and could be used to hurt me in a very severe way if I gave this information out to the wrong person. In fact, it HAS been used against me by previous abusive partners. That experience in particular is what led me to hide my past. Of course, unlike the woman described in the OP, I have no evidence of my past to be found and used against me. I have done everything in my power to put it behind me.
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I think in some way it would be acceptable...this information is privileged. It's very private and could be used to hurt me in a very severe way if I gave this information out to the wrong person. In fact, it HAS been used against me by previous abusive partners. That experience in particular is what led me to hide my past. Of course, unlike the woman described in the OP, I have no evidence of my past to be found and used against me. I have done everything in my power to put it behind me. While I understand your feelings for a need for privacy, for myself, if a partner didn't disclose, not necessarily details, it would be an immediate deal-breaker. It's important to me that a partner not be someone who's been with a long string of people. I can't help this value but I also understand what makes you reluctant to disclose.
bish Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 I see the taping and keeping of past experiences, as part of a wild sex life. You're keeping them for a reason, obviously to remember the turn-on. I can see this reply two different ways....are you saying that its unacceptable for her to keep these videos if she is with someone new?...or are you saying its ok because its ok to watch herself getting pounded by other men once in a while?
bish Posted January 3, 2008 Posted January 3, 2008 This "woman" is lucky he doesn't post these vids on the internet. hehehehe...food for thought there downthatslide?
Florida Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 This "woman" is lucky he doesn't post these vids on the internet. hehehehe...food for thought there downthatslide? I was with you until this...this is...I don't even have the words. So deciding that she isn't right for him isn't enough? Now you are encouraging him to rake her across the coals? Crucify her? Do you realize that that is illegal-- what you are suggesting? Bish you need to get that anger under control, hurting people isn't the answer. Nor is encouraging him to hurt her. That is disgusting. Your actions make you who you are. Is that who you want to be---a crucifier? Someone who brings others down and humiliates them? Your past controls you, B.
Trialbyfire Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I can see this reply two different ways....are you saying that its unacceptable for her to keep these videos if she is with someone new?...or are you saying its ok because its ok to watch herself getting pounded by other men once in a while? Actually, I'm saying neither is acceptable but then this is my personal value of what happens in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom. I don't believe in taping home porn or taking pics of it, for that matter. On the other hand, everyone has their own sense of values. You either tell a partner about your values and past or if you're going to be ashamed of it, DON'T DO IT.
eastcoastMan Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 whether it be bedroom wise, or finding a new place to get a drink, cause she's seen it all, and been everywhere. She has NOT seen and done it all. Which is why she is ATTRACTED to YOU. She knows a better person is out there and she seeks that opportunity with YOU. At this moment YOU are HER WORLD! Sleeping around gets OLD. At the end of the day she probably wants a man who's good to her, true to her, supports her, LOVES her. Ultimately women want to be loved, cared for, romanced, supported, and feel SECURE. Focus on how you are the person that can provide those things. If you can provide those qualities then you're already ahead of the rest. However, take things SLOWER. We all get the risk of putting your heart out there. Protect your heart first, know and believe you're a "catch" and believe me your girlfriend and other women will pick up on your confidence. A confident man is an attractive man. Hold the strings to your own happiness and good things will fall into place. Good luck my friend!
D-Lish Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I understand where your coming from. Those types of abuse tend to scar poeple. It's good that you have been there and seen that, not enough people actually do. In regards to the OP. It doesnt matter why she does what she does. The action stands alone. So, if she allows other men to treat her in a certain way... then expects him to treat her differently, that devalues him in a very big way. You and everyone else on this thread needs to sit back and really think about why men are the way we are! If you just cry about a double standard and hypocrisy... you will fail to understand. What's past is not past. Your past is your present... and your future. You cannot lie and you cannot hide, so be careful what you do. Some mistakes affect your future options forever. If you think about it... I'm sure this will be clear to you. It's actually faulty logic and I still disagree. Have you used some girls for sex or one night stands.... and then had relationships with different women? If so, then should the women you get serious with think you are a bad person for having done so? Have you done things in your past you have regretted? If you say no- you're lying. The past is a part of our lives- it shapes us into who we are today. That includes learning from mistakes and growing in the process. I am not the same girl I was 5 years ago, 10 years ago, etc. Each experience continues to shape and change who we are. What's not to say she has learned from her past, made some changes and was looking to settle down with a man she valued, and hoped he valued her in return. None of can say for sure. My past has shaped me and made me into the woman I am today- all the good and the bad. I went from being a huge bully in my youth... to finding my compassionate side in my early adulthood- and I continue to be that person today. So- people are capable of change.
annieo Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 It's actually faulty logic and I still disagree. Have you used some girls for sex or one night stands.... and then had relationships with different women? If so, then should the women you get serious with think you are a bad person for having done so? Have you done things in your past you have regretted? If you say no- you're lying. The past is a part of our lives- it shapes us into who we are today. That includes learning from mistakes and growing in the process. I am not the same girl I was 5 years ago, 10 years ago, etc. Each experience continues to shape and change who we are. What's not to say she has learned from her past, made some changes and was looking to settle down with a man she valued, and hoped he valued her in return. None of can say for sure. My past has shaped me and made me into the woman I am today- all the good and the bad. I went from being a huge bully in my youth... to finding my compassionate side in my early adulthood- and I continue to be that person today. So- people are capable of change. D-Lish, amen to that! This totally resonated with me. I have changed,too, so I get it. I am not the same person (at 42) that I was in my late teens/early twenties. Life has changed and, dare I say, mellowed me. I think that some people posting on this thread are either not old enough or wise enough to understand how people evolve over time. Many of us actually learn from our mistakes! And eastcoastman, I think what you said has a lot of truth to it as well. He may not be the man to get over the hurdle of her past and love her wisely and well, but that is what most of us (men and women) are looking for. I suspect that is what she wants from the OP, NOT another lead male for her collection. I wish them both luck.
bish Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 I was with you until this...this is...I don't even have the words. So deciding that she isn't right for him isn't enough? Now you are encouraging him to rake her across the coals? Crucify her? Do you realize that that is illegal-- what you are suggesting? Bish you need to get that anger under control, hurting people isn't the answer. Nor is encouraging him to hurt her. That is disgusting. Your actions make you who you are. Is that who you want to be---a crucifier? Someone who brings others down and humiliates them? Your past controls you, B. It wasn't a serious suggestion...and if he has any principles he won't. But really, she IS lucky nobody has done that.
Florida Posted January 4, 2008 Posted January 4, 2008 It wasn't a serious suggestion...and if he has any principles he won't. But really, she IS lucky nobody has done that. oopsie, well you never know how unhinged this guy is right now, I think I would go nuts if I ever saw anything like that.
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