MW in almost-affair w/ MM

[bloom]

Here, here Indianlover!

 

Thanks for the insight. I appreciate the softer approach, and you're right it's not too late to back out. I don't know if he's a serial cheater, but the signs are there if you ask me. I keep telling myself that great sex is good enough, I should remember that I'm not as sly as most folks so getting caught would be likely. Not appealing either.

 

If I were my friend, I would tell me to take care of unfinished business.

[bloom]

But you cannot have an affair, stay married, and have your cake and eat it too. It's all on the expense of your husband, kids and family unit. That's just pure selfishness! Sorry, but either fix your marriage by being honest with your husband about how you feel and why, go to marriage counselling together and give him the opportunity to make it better (with that being said, I'm sure he has needs that aren't being met by you as well), or divorce. you two can still co-parent together on civil terms and be great parents to your kids, just not under one roof.

 

 

 

Is this a justification to stay and continue to cheat on him? Have that affair? I hope not.

 

Look, talk to your husband. You two owe it to eachother to give it your best shot, for your kids sake and the history you two share. If the OM wasn't in the picture, I doubt very much you'd be this close to leaving...The OM has had a HUGE effect on you wanting to leave.

 

 

Been there done that. We've done counseling three times so far - without a positive change on either parties part (myself included). We've talked about the situation together and I'm done and he's not. I've told him I'm here for the kids, but he believes what he wants.

 

Definitely NOT justification to cheat. I personally think that cheating isn't the problem, nor is it the solution. There are definitely consequences to actions, but yes having cake and eating it is definitely something to consider, even it it's unattainable.

[indianlover]

Here, here Indianlover!

 

Thanks for the insight. I appreciate the softer approach, and you're right it's not too late to back out. I don't know if he's a serial cheater, but the signs are there if you ask me. I keep telling myself that great sex is good enough, I should remember that I'm not as sly as most folks so getting caught would be likely. Not appealing either.

 

If I were my friend, I would tell me to take care of unfinished business.

 

Also to add - imagine going through divorce and finding out this guy was lying to you. I don't know how you'd take it, but if it were me I would be an emotional wreck. When it rains, it pours. Be careful, protect yourself from drama.

[bloom]

Ahh, he's not the cause, just the catalyst.

 

Chances are that he is lying to me and I would be heartbroken, but I would not consider leaving my husband FOR this one. Although it feels like the outcome anyway...

 

More interesting to me is the fact that any of this happened, it's not like I have changed who I am in any significant way that I know of. I travel quite often and have spent much time in the airport. I didn't realize this type of thing happened outside of soap operas.

 

Do cheaters give off cheating vibes??? ha ha - just kidding!!! I suspect this guy had me picked out of the crowd. I wonder what he zoned in on... neediness, etc.

[OWoman]

bloom - you say your M is over, but you don't want to go through the icky stuff of divorce (fighting over stuff, kids, etc). Are you saying:

You're going to leave your H anyway, but having an A on the side would take your mind off the ickiness of the D;

You'd stay with your H if you had an A on the side to make up for what you're not getting in the M, so no need for the D; or

You're not sure about whether to leave your M at this stage or not, and you're hoping the A will help bring some clarity to your mind on this?

[White Flower]

Hi Bloom,

 

I've skimmed through this thread and have not noticed whether anyone has brought this point up. It has been said that a lot of MM tend to choose MW for As because they are a safer risk than unmarried W. If you did leave H before the A, he may drop you like a hot potato. But, that may be a good thing since you are struggling with the idea anyway. Just be sure that you really want to end the M before the A in case this is MM's intention. That way if he does drop you, you haven't ended the M for nothing. Don't ever bank on the idea that a MM will leave for you (I know you didn't suggest this at all) because these threads don't show favorable stats for such an outcome.

[bloom]

bloom - you say your M is over, but you don't want to go through the icky stuff of divorce (fighting over stuff, kids, etc). Are you saying:

You're going to leave your H anyway, but having an A on the side would take your mind off the ickiness of the D;

You'd stay with your H if you had an A on the side to make up for what you're not getting in the M, so no need for the D; or

You're not sure about whether to leave your M at this stage or not, and you're hoping the A will help bring some clarity to your mind on this?

 

:pI think that A would take my mind off the D. Almost like an iPod takes your mind off the marathon. It'll give me something else to think about while I'm handling the hard push.

:pNo chance of me staying with H, just a matter of being mentally prepared to handle it. No one wants to be the bad guy. Having an A would guarantee bad guy status however - if I get caught

[bloom]

Hi Bloom,

 

I've skimmed through this thread and have not noticed whether anyone has brought this point up. It has been said that a lot of MM tend to choose MW for As because they are a safer risk than unmarried W. If you did leave H before the A, he may drop you like a hot potato. But, that may be a good thing since you are struggling with the idea anyway. Just be sure that you really want to end the M before the A in case this is MM's intention. That way if he does drop you, you haven't ended the M for nothing. Don't ever bank on the idea that a MM will leave for you (I know you didn't suggest this at all) because these threads don't show favorable stats for such an outcome.

 

I agree with you White Flower. A MW is less risky than unmarried, depending upon the desired outcome. We both have a similar investment in the affair. He's already commented that he doesn't want crazy phone calls to his wife. It's a very interesting dynamic because it feels like he's all about having an A, but not an R. This is not necessarily a bad thing. This is okay with me, I still get to back out without a huge emotional investment - if I'm capable of doing that (doubt it).

 

It is an interesting point as well, though, I had decided early on that if we go forward from here AND I leave my H in meantime that I wouldn't tell OM. This is because I didn't want him to see any causality between the A and the D. It never occurred to me that my wedding ring could be the most attractive thing I have to offer. Other than my amazing body

[OldEurope]

Bloom,

 

You are going to do what you are going to do but...

 

It seems to me you are not emotionally prepared for what appears to be the makings of a "just-for-sex" affair. You more or less have to be in a place and have the outlook of a Lizzie, a regular poster here, who has clear rules/expectations with her MMs.

 

What I suspect you wish for is a whole new relationship altogether. A nice sexual life plus the emotional dimension and trust. In other words, possibly a new husband.

 

Many people do not believe in "trial" separations. I do. Perhaps some time away from your husband to see where you stand emotionally and otherwise and from there you can see if you want to stay in your marriage at all. It seems to me that your state of mind is too "heavy" to go in for a mere fling. Your attractive airport partner seems, as other posters have said, more "adept" at the affair "game" and from what I sense, again, he just wishes to have a physical affair. I sense that this does not sit entirely well with you and in such cases you want to be 100% sure of what you want, never 99.9%. Never Ever.

 

When in doubt....Don't, as they say.

 

Merry Christmas,

OE