I am in a dilemma... should I propose?

[ElvenPriestess]

See this is a VERY tough thing to deal with, and there's obviously torn thoughts and feelings. But you gotta sit her down and talk to her, and bring all of these things up. Explain to her the things you've talked about here, and don't be afraid to tell her it's not right to give you such an ultimatum. I mean that's too much to put on you. She's asking you to decide her entire future FOR her. Only she can decide that.

[norajane]

Of course I don't want that but she says shes giving up some of her dreams to be with me because she loves me. She says that an engagement is the least I could do to show her if I am truly committed.

 

And somewhere down the line it will be, "I gave up my dreams for you, the least you could do is give me an SUV, the house of my dreams, a baby, fill-in-the-blank!"

 

Reminds me of Sex and the City when Charlotte was pressuring her bf to propose and set the date, after she had converted to Judaism without him asking her to do so. "I gave up Christ for you!"

 

And he says, "It’s going to be a long life if you keep that up! 'I gave up Christ for you, take out the trash! I gave up Christ for you, set the table!'"

[Alex42]

I think it would be a good idea to talk about everything with a counselor. Having a third party there could help. I am definitely freaking out though and I don't want to hurt her but at the same time I don't want to hurt myself by not going through with it and having to deal with the pain of a breakup when both of us want to stay together.

[ElvenPriestess]

And somewhere down the line it will be, "I gave up my dreams for you, the least you could do is give me an SUV, the house of my dreams, a baby, fill-in-the-blank!"

 

Reminds me of Sex and the City when Charlotte was pressuring her bf to propose and set the date, after she had converted to Judaism without him asking her to do so. "I gave up Christ for you!"

 

And he says, "It’s going to be a long life if you keep that up! 'I gave up Christ for you, take out the trash! I gave up Christ for you, set the table!'"

 

So true, when a person makes such a huge sacrifice then during arguments it tends to get thrown out there as ammunition.

[norajane]

Everything you guys are saying makes perfect sense and I know the situation is extremely complicated and maybe even a little unfair. I guess it's just really hard for me because I've been in a decent amount of relationships and I've never met anyone as amazing as her and I love her so much.

 

I'm worried that if I don't go through with it I will resent myself for not taking a chance on what could've been a lifetime of happiness. She has always really wanted to do the whole peace corp thing, but she also has always wanted to get married if she found the one. Well she believes that she has and she is willing to not go to the peace corp and her career for me.

 

I'm worried that if I decide not to go through with it, she moves to Africa, then I realize after some thinking that I made a mistake, that it will be too late.

 

I don't understand why it has to be all or nothing. Why can't she go to the Peace Corp, get her career off the ground, and then you two can see if you have what it takes to be make a lifetime commitment once you are older and have had a little more life experience to draw upon?

 

If your love can't last for two years while she's away, how is it supposed to last a lifetime?

[Alex42]

I see what you're saying with the resentment thing but she really isn't that kind of person. She would never hold that over my head, she knows that if I go through with it it'll be HER decision to give up those things. She is not the resentful, hold a grudge type of person. She just wants to know I'm in it for the long haul and if I am not then she will pursue the things that she wants for herself.

[Tripper]

I'm worried that if I don't go through with it I will resent myself for not taking a chance on what could've been a lifetime of happiness. She has always really wanted to do the whole peace corp thing, but she also has always wanted to get married if she found the one. Well she believes that she has and she is willing to not go to the peace corp and her career for me.

 

I'm worried that if I decide not to go through with it, she moves to Africa, then I realize after some thinking that I made a mistake, that it will be too late.

 

Well Alex, welcome to real life. You are faced with life altering, serious decisions. No one can make the decision for you. Like everyone else you will make what you think is the best decision, roll the dice and live with the consequences.

That said, you better have a very, very serious discussion about how a life together would work, and I mean serious.. Because both of you are holding your future in your hands.

If she gives up the peace corps, will she regret it later in life?? How does she feel about what you will be doing for a career?? What opportunities are there for her in Charlotte or where ever you may live if it's not in Washington.

You want to avoid her unhappiness 5 or 10 years down the road if you marry, have kids and a mortgage etc and you no longer have the freedom to pick up and pursue a dream you may have given up.

[Alex42]

Love is a verb not a noun. How will I be able to love her for two years if I never talk to her or see her. She will be in Africa with practically no way of communication add to that the time zone difference and the fact that I will be working 70 hrs a week and I find it nearly impossible. Relationships take work no matter how great two people are for each other and there is no way we could work on our relationship if we can't even talk to each other.

[Tripper]

I'm worried that if I don't go through with it I will resent myself for not taking a chance on what could've been a lifetime of happiness. She has always really wanted to do the whole peace corp thing, but she also has always wanted to get married if she found the one. Well she believes that she has and she is willing to not go to the peace corp and her career for me.

 

I'm worried that if I decide not to go through with it, she moves to Africa, then I realize after some thinking that I made a mistake, that it will be too late.

 

Well Alex, welcome to real life. You are faced with life altering, serious decisions. No one can make the decision for you. Like everyone else you will make what you think is the best decision, roll the dice and live with the consequences.

That said, you better have a very, very serious discussion about how a life together would work, and I mean serious.. Because both of you are holding your future in your hands.

If she gives up the peace corps, will she regret it later in life?? How does she feel about what you will be doing for a career?? What opportunities are there for her in Charlotte or where ever you may live if it's not in Washington.

You want to avoid her unhappiness 5 or 10 years down the road if you marry, have kids and a mortgage etc and you no longer have the freedom to pick up and pursue a dream you may have given up.

[norajane]

Love is a verb not a noun. How will I be able to love her for two years if I never talk to her or see her. She will be in Africa with practically no way of communication add to that the time zone difference and the fact that I will be working 70 hrs a week and I find it nearly impossible. Relationships take work no matter how great two people are for each other and there is no way we could work on our relationship if we can't even talk to each other.

 

There is communication in Africa. You'd be surprised how well cell phones work there. Also, there are cities with internet cafes and electricity and everything. No, she may not be IN one of those cities all the time, as she'll likely be out in a village, but she will not be entirely cut off. Also, she can receive care packages that you send her, including LETTERS (remember those?), tapes that you make for her telling her what's on your mind, and batteries for her tape player. You can make appointments to speak in person - you can work out the hours that make sense and you make a point to schedule that time in.

 

My sister has a friend who did Peace Corp in Africa, and she managed to keep in touch with all her friends AND her boyfriend. You'd be surprised how quickly two years flies by.

 

But, I think you have your answer. If you can't commit to a little hard work for two years to have her in your life, you shouldn't commit to a lifetime together.

[MissCourtney]

If you feel rushed. Then don't propose.

 

If you are questioning any thing. Then don't propose.

 

If she needs a ring to define your relationship. That's no bueno.

 

Ya'll have only been together 10 months, ya'll are about to start your lives outside of school and beginning careers.

 

Your in transition mode, and right now getting engaged would not be the best thing.

 

Transition then consider if your ready.

 

Have a great day.

 

Courtney

[Touche]

This is what I don't get about this. If she's not even looking to marry for another year or two, why does she need to be engaged NOW?

 

Is your word, when you tell her that you ARE committed, not good enough for her? It's as if she doesn't trust what you say. Why is she thinking of spending the rest of her life with a man who she can't even take at his word?

 

And I find the whole "prove to me that you're committed" thing and the "I did this for you so you do this for me" thing, immature and distasteful.

 

NO ONE should be feel pressured when they become engaged. It's something that both people have to want equally.

 

I think you already have your answer. The ball is in her court now.

[saltydude]

I think you have a smart girl there

 

I'd give her some respect for her rationality. She sounds like she has heavy feet and is grounded which is a good thing.

She considers moving a big deal. If she is to move and leave all that she has behind, she thinks she needs security. This is quite rational in my opinion.

 

Perhaps she is not so unreasonable. Eg. If you guys go out for another year and something happens and you break up then its not so bad. Her rest of her life is still in tact.

 

I think try to see it from both sides. Talk and good luck!

[saltydude]

About the engagement,

Dont do it if you are not sure!

 

About myself, i have already engaged and still thinking about it!

It is a very uncomfortable situation where i feel bad to her because she knows about my confusion (also I think it is her right to know about it). We have already anounced it to family etc. Then the thing starts to drive itself with external pressures as well internal pressures. Also she now has a ring on her finger which is meant to represent solid relationship, which is not necessarily true.

 

Do not engage if not sure

[Aloros]

I really don't think you two should be considering marriage until you are at a "settle down" phase in your lives.

 

She shouldn't give up her dream of going into the Peace Corps and going to Africa, because even if she doesn't end up resenting you (and believe you me, no matter how much you think she won't hold it over your head, these things come out in a fight!), she may end up resenting herself and her own decisions. You only live once!

 

I'm sure there will be some means of communication if she does end up going to Africa. I have a friend in Albania right now in the Peace Corps. He took his laptop, and we are able to keep in touch through the internet and through hand-written letters.

 

You're 22 and 23, and have only been dating for 10 months. You should not be basing your decision to marry someone on fear (pain of breakup) but on the fact that you are 100% certain that this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with (and the rest of your life is a LONG time!). When you look at her, ask yourself:

1. Is this the woman I want to wake up to, day after day?

2. Have I seen the nastier aspects of her personality, and do I love her regardless?

3. Am I willing to forsake all the other beautiful, intelligent, and interesting young women out there to devote myself to this one for the rest of my life?

4. Are our financial, personal, and familial goals all in alignment?

5. Am I willing and ready to take another person's needs into account (and discuss them) when making all future decisions?

 

These are just a few of the things I could think of off the top of my head. Counseling may be a good idea. Just please think things over carefully before making such a life-altering decision.

[katiebour]

Ex-bf and I did the long-distance thing for a year while I went to teach English in Japan. Almost 5 years later I am without the ex but I still have that amazing experience that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

 

It was a wonderful place to be but I was so extraordinarily miserable and lonely doing a LDR. I rarely went out and could not really make friends- I wasn't single or dating like most of the folks with whom I worked.

 

Two years isn't a long time in the whole span of your lives- but it is an eternity when you are counting the months until you can see your loved one again. You either go out by yourself, be a third wheel with friends, be a hermit, or play with fire and put yourself in situations where temptation is everywhere.

 

I would not suggest an LDR for two years. But if going to Africa is what she really wants to do (and it will be an experience she will remember for the rest of her life) then she should do it.

 

I don't think an engagement to a partner of less than a year is a good idea in any case. But an engagement is not a replacement for the kind of experience that the Peace Corps will provide- especially to someone that you have known for less than a year.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

Your in transition mode, and right now getting engaged would not be the best thing.

 

This pretty much sums it up, IMO. I wouldn't recommend that *anybody* get engaged when they're just graduating college. You are about to go through an absolutely enormous transition -- you're moving to a new city; you'll be working full-time; you're probably going to make new friends at your new job; you'll be living outside of the structure of "school" for the first time since you were like, four years-old; for the first time in your life, your life will be 100% your own responsibility.

 

The potential for growth is huge. Getting engaged (which in your case, involves feeling responsible for your girlfriend's happiness, as she's pretty much given up her dreams to be with you) will likely stunt this growth (i.e., you won't make as many new friends as you might otherwise because you need to spend your free time with your girlfriend). Alternatively, if you do continue to grow, getting engaged might make you work hard at forcing something that's just not there anymore. You grew up. You grew apart. We run this risk at any point in our lives, obviously, but this risk is especially great when you're entering what's probably the single largest transitional phase of your entire life.

 

From your girlfriend's perspective ... My entire life, I've had a piece of needlepoint that my grandmother made hanging on my wall. It says, "If you love something, give it room to grow." You'll never again be as idealistic as you are when you're graduating college (i.e., actually chasing your dreams). You'll never again be so free of responsibilities (i.e., I did a year of volunteer work immediately after I graduated college, and it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I tried a few years later to join the Peace Corps, but it turned out that it was just too difficult to figure out when I had an apartment and debt and a great job and a whole social network established.) If you love your girlfriend, give her room to grow. If you're truly meant to be together, you'll find your way back to one another.

 

Honestly, these are things I'd say to anyone who is graduating college. Even to people who had been together for years. Even to people who already planned to move to the same city. Even to people who were 100% certain that they wanted to commit to one another. You and your girlfriend are none of these things, so be very careful here!

[sally4sara]

I'm finding something odd about this scenario. She has all these idealistic plans for herself. Peace Corp and, from what I can understand, some sort of related work that requires her to be in DC - I'm guessing governmental/diplomacy work. These plans are not the kind that include taking the easier path in life.

And yet after 10 months of knowing you and being very young, she is willing to chuck it all aside and go to Charlotte, NC? But only is you spring for a ring and promise to make an honest woman of her.

I think she is scared of her own plans. Getting engaged to you is the easy way out of a life that will be a hard but rewarding struggle for her. Anyone who has what it takes to make those plans a reality wouldn't turn away from it so easily.

I wouldn't propose. I would be afraid of taking the blame in the future when she doesn't want to face that fact that she only married you because she didn't believe in her own abilities to succeed at her dreams.

I'm betting that even if you don't propose, she will still choose to go to Charlotte with you. Even if she doesn't, she still isn't going to go into the Peace Corp.

But one thing is for sure. If you don't propose, this relationship will not last long. Even if she chooses to go to Charlotte without the ring, I doubt it will last long. The whole time while you're working 70 hours +, she will be stewing about what she gave up and how little effort she gave it up for. Stewing about anything she can to not admit she didn't believe in her own dreams.

[norajane]

I'm finding something odd about this scenario. She has all these idealistic plans for herself. Peace Corp and, from what I can understand, some sort of related work that requires her to be in DC - I'm guessing governmental/diplomacy work. These plans are not the kind that include taking the easier path in life.

 

And yet after 10 months of knowing you and being very young, she is willing to chuck it all aside and go to Charlotte, NC? But only is you spring for a ring and promise to make an honest woman of her.

 

I think she is scared of her own plans. Getting engaged to you is the easy way out of a life that will be a hard but rewarding struggle for her. Anyone who has what it takes to make those plans a reality wouldn't turn away from it so easily.

 

I'm betting that even if you don't propose, she will still choose to go to Charlotte with you. Even if she doesn't, she still isn't going to go into the Peace Corp.

 

I agree, and I think she's already chucked her plans to go into the Peace Corps. I just checked their website, and it says their application process takes nine months:

The entire application process-from completion of your application to departure for service-takes an average of nine months. We encourage you to apply 9-12 months before you will be ready to begin your service.

 

Also, they get about 10,000 applications a year, and it's very competitive - there's no guarantee she'd actually be accepted. But if she hasn't even applied yet, she's not going to Africa, for sure.

[BenefitOfTheDoubt]

Also, they get about 10,000 applications a year, and it's very competitive - there's no guarantee she'd actually be accepted. But if she hasn't even applied yet, she's not going to Africa, for sure.

 

It's entirely possible that sally4sara's suspicion is correct.

 

Still, for the record, I wanted to add that the timing is not necessarily off. I graduated college in May 1998, but I didn't begin my year of volunteer service till late-October of that year (and just about everyone I started with had similarly graduated in May).

 

Also, there are about a million service programs, and not all of the application processes take as long as the Peace Corps. In fact, if she definitely wants to go to Africa, she'd be better off choosing something other than the Peace Corps. (At least when I looked into the Peace Corps in 2001, applicants had very little say over where they were sent). If she's serious about service work and is only at the beginning of her investigation into her options, she might likely end up somewhere different from where she started. (At my university, most of the people who did service work did the ACE teaching program, so I always said I was going to do ACE. It wasn't till I actually seriously looked into my options during my second semester of senior year that I chose the organization where I ultimately did my year of service.)

 

Just didn't want poor Alex to think his girlfriend was necessarily pulling a fast one on him!

[sally4sara]

No, not pulling a fast one. She may not fully realize her motivations.

[norajane]

It's entirely possible that sally4sara's suspicion is correct.

 

Still, for the record, I wanted to add that the timing is not necessarily off. I graduated college in May 1998, but I didn't begin my year of volunteer service till late-October of that year (and just about everyone I started with had similarly graduated in May).

 

Also, there are about a million service programs, and not all of the application processes take as long as the Peace Corps. In fact, if she definitely wants to go to Africa, she'd be better off choosing something other than the Peace Corps. (At least when I looked into the Peace Corps in 2001, applicants had very little say over where they were sent). If she's serious about service work and is only at the beginning of her investigation into her options, she might likely end up somewhere different from where she started. (At my university, most of the people who did service work did the ACE teaching program, so I always said I was going to do ACE. It wasn't till I actually seriously looked into my options during my second semester of senior year that I chose the organization where I ultimately did my year of service.)

 

Just didn't want poor Alex to think his girlfriend was necessarily pulling a fast one on him!

 

I guess he'll know when/if she starts talking about her investigation of options and applications...

[SeraBella]

those "long hours in the office" may not be conducive to a relationship, either.

 

take things day by day. try long distance for a while, and if you can't live without each other, then move to be closer.

 

once school is out and you've started careers, EVERYTHING changes. EVERYTHING.

[kkthxbye]

Marriage is a lifetime commitment. You've only been dating 10 months, and you are both young and just getting your adult lives off the ground. Why not take some time to make sure that you are right for each other AFTER you get your careers established?

 

Charlotte, NC is 400 miles from Washington, DC, where, presumably, she wants to end up for her career options. Google says it's a 6 1/2 hour drive, and that's about an hour flight. Do the long distance thing for a year and see how committed BOTH of you are to that before committing your entire lives to each other.

 

Well said! And elven said it great too. You guys rock. If it is meant to be, it will be. With or without swimming against the current, eventually it will come together in time if it was meant to.

[bozwa]

She needs to trust that you would put as much effort into the relationship without a ring as with a ring. A ring does not have magical powers that makes you stop and think. It's a material object. You should reassure her of your feelings and committment to her and she needs to trust that...WITHOUT a ring. If you propose simply because she asked you to and if you felt rushed and have reservations about it? Then it's DEFINITELY not right to propose just yet. A proposal should be a special, heartfelt thing that takes place only at the right time. And you'll know when that is.