Fell out of love with my wife...heartbroken

[jmargel]

I've been reading up on your posts lately and one word that SCREAMS at me in your posts is: resentment.

 

You resent her so much that it has become vile in your veins. You resent her because all these years you tried to keep things together while in your mind she tried to tear apart. You resent her because you feel alot of the times you have between each other are tainted because of the things she has done.

 

Yet you have not gone into details on what she has done to you over these years. Please give us examples. Was it cheating? Was it verbal, emotional or physical abuse?

 

You ask her for space, she gives you some and when she does you reply with:

 

So yesterday, she was distant all day, too. I even had a hard time getting her on the phone, and she was not on her instant messenger like usual. But I figured she was trying to give me some of my own medicine, so I was ok with that.

 

Maybe she was hurt, maybe she was trying to give you what you wanted. What you have to realize is that she is wanting answers. The communication between you two has been awful. During these years you were trying to keep things together, did you effectivily communicate to her on what was going on within you? Did you two attempt counseling back then? Or did you just keep things to yourself? If she did not realize the seriousness of what was going on within you all these years then honestly how can you place all the blame on her?

 

IMO I still believe you love her, but you resent her. This resentment has overshadowed any attempt of you being 'in love' with her. You can't be in love with someone you resent. In order to get rid of this resentment you need to rely on someone higher than you. Let this resentment rest on his shoulders. Learn to forgive her what she has done. Resentment is like drinking poison and thinking she will be the one to die. It does not happen that way. It's this resentment that is causing this turmoil within yourself. You are in control of your own emotions, don't let this control you.

 

I can tell by your posts you are hurt, exhausted, resentful and upset. However I don't believe you truly believe 100% in your heart it is over. Otherwise you would have told her and moved out. Maybe you are looking for sort of redemption. In getting back what you lost with her in terms of the emotional investment you have with her.

 

Making any decisions during stress or an emotional time is usually advised not to. When you make decisions or act on an emotional it usually turns out wrong. My advice is to take things step by step. First get the individual couseling for yourself. The best thing you can tell your wife about this situation is something like this: "I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you right now, but alot of things are going through my head. I want things to be right however I am confused and a counselor is going to help me. I need your help as well, to try to understand where I am at right now. When I am ready to talk about things more, I promise I will'.

 

This lets her know where you are at and that you won't just abandon all of this. Understand she is hurt, just as hurt as you are now. By either of you running away now, it will NOT eliminate or ease this hurt at all. The only way to ease this hurt is to learn how to communicate better between yourselves.

[Kasan]

I've been reading up on your posts lately and one word that SCREAMS at me in your posts is: resentment.

 

You resent her so much that it has become vile in your veins. You resent her because all these years you tried to keep things together while in your mind she tried to tear apart. You resent her because you feel alot of the times you have between each other are tainted because of the things she has done.

 

IMO I still believe you love her, but you resent her. This resentment has overshadowed any attempt of you being 'in love' with her. You can't be in love with someone you resent. In order to get rid of this resentment you need to rely on someone higher than you. Let this resentment rest on his shoulders. Learn to forgive her what she has done. Resentment is like drinking poison and thinking she will be the one to die. It does not happen that way. It's this resentment that is causing this turmoil within yourself. You are in control of your own emotions, don't let this control you.

 

 

I totally agree with what jmargel said, in fact, in one of your earlier postings, you did say that you resented your wife for not trying to change until she thought you were really gone.

 

jmargel has given you some great advice, and articulated what I was thinking so much better.

[lonelyandtired]

I've been reading up on your posts lately and one word that SCREAMS at me in your posts is: resentment.

 

You resent her so much that it has become vile in your veins. You resent her because all these years you tried to keep things together while in your mind she tried to tear apart. You resent her because you feel alot of the times you have between each other are tainted because of the things she has done.

 

Resentment implies anger. i do think I have some resentment in me, but it's more sadness than anything. It's a sad situation.

 

Yet you have not gone into details on what she has done to you over these years. Please give us examples. Was it cheating? Was it verbal, emotional or physical abuse?

 

I really don't want to bitch about her too much. It seems so pointless now. I don't feel the need to criticize her. Also, much of our baggage are smaller things, tiny fights and battles...but it's all cumulative...the whole is greater than the sum of the parts here.

 

No great example of physical abuse....there's been a slap or punch or two directed at me in the past, and a few things thrown in anger at me, but nothing major.

 

Verbal & emotional, yes. Lots and lots.

 

Last night I was with my friend and his roommate, both divorcess. And my friend, who I've known for 12 years or so said something about my wife in comparison to his roommate's ex-wife personalities. He said he could see his ex-wife being passive agressive and whiney, but my wife is a whole other story. He pointed out how agressive and nasty she can be and how she'll be cruel and cut you right to your core is she's mad at you. Then he described a few instances that he was a witness to. The roommate was agast, and said she sounded "like a manical supervillian or something".

 

I defended her, but my friends was kind of right. She's got a mean streak to her. She's judgmental, and bigoted, and very, very insecure.

 

I do think she may've cheated years back...but i have no proof and if she did, it's over now.

 

What really has hurt has been that a few years back, she turned very cold and mean, and she's ranged from distant to cruel every since. Has kept me at arms length, insulted and degraded me. Argues at every turn, even for small meaningless things. Almost no sex, and thn only when she's drunk enough to not remember or i've guilted her into it. She doesn't come up and just hug me or say she loves me, unless prompted. She chases away friends, etc etc etc. I can go on and on with this petty list, but it's not going to help, and it's hard to make anyone else understand how years of this treatment effects you. Particualrly to someone like me who's also insecure, doesn't have a very good support system and is generally willing to think poorly of themselves anyway.

 

You ask her for space, she gives you some and when she does you reply with:

 

Maybe she was hurt, maybe she was trying to give you what you wanted. What you have to realize is that she is wanting answers. The communication between you two has been awful. During these years you were trying to keep things together, did you effectivily communicate to her on what was going on within you? Did you two attempt counseling back then? Or did you just keep things to yourself? If she did not realize the seriousness of what was going on within you all these years then honestly how can you place all the blame on her?

 

Yeah, that's why I said I understood why she was doing it. But it was a change in her behavior and therefore worth mentioning. And yes, I'm a very open person and very straightforward about my feelings. I've said this. And I do not place all the blame on her. Again, I've said this.

 

IMO I still believe you love her, but you resent her. This resentment has overshadowed any attempt of you being 'in love' with her. You can't be in love with someone you resent. In order to get rid of this resentment you need to rely on someone higher than you. Let this resentment rest on his shoulders. Learn to forgive her what she has done. Resentment is like drinking poison and thinking she will be the one to die. It does not happen that way. It's this resentment that is causing this turmoil within yourself. You are in control of your own emotions, don't let this control you.

 

I absolutely do no love her. I might again, but now I do not. And what higher person? God? Sorry, I'm an athiest, so...pass. I have forgiven her. I'm not mad...I just don't love her.

 

I can tell by your posts you are hurt, exhausted, resentful and upset. However I don't believe you truly believe 100% in your heart it is over. Otherwise you would have told her and moved out. Maybe you are looking for sort of redemption. In getting back what you lost with her in terms of the emotional investment you have with her.

 

I am definitely exhausted and hurt...also scared and i feel very alone in the world. I do cling to the hope I can feel for again. But I doubt that more with every hour.

 

Making any decisions during stress or an emotional time is usually advised not to. When you make decisions or act on an emotional it usually turns out wrong. My advice is to take things step by step. First get the individual couseling for yourself. The best thing you can tell your wife about this situation is something like this: "I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you right now, but alot of things are going through my head. I want things to be right however I am confused and a counselor is going to help me. I need your help as well, to try to understand where I am at right now. When I am ready to talk about things more, I promise I will'.

 

I've been holding off on a final decision for that reason. And I said that exact thing to ther last night. She said it was "bull****".

 

I've been reading up on your posts lately and one word that SCREAMS at me in your posts is: resentment.

 

You resent her so much that it has become vile in your veins. You resent her because all these years you tried to keep things together while in your mind she tried to tear apart. You resent her because you feel alot of the times you have between each other are tainted because of the things she has done.

 

Resentment implies anger. i do think I have some resentment in me, but it's more sadness than anything. It's a sad situation.

 

Yet you have not gone into details on what she has done to you over these years. Please give us examples. Was it cheating? Was it verbal, emotional or physical abuse?

 

I really don't want to bitch about her too much. It seems so pointless now. I don't feel the need to criticize her. Also, much of our baggage are smaller things, tiny fights and battles...but it's all cumulative...the whole is greater than the sum of the parts here.

 

No great example of physical abuse....there's been a slap or punch or two directed at me in the past, and a few things thrown in anger at me, but nothing major.

 

Verbal & emotional, yes. Lots and lots.

 

Last night I was with my friend and his roommate, both divorcess. And my friend, who I've known for 12 years or so said something about my wife in comparison to his roommate's ex-wife personalities. He said he could see his ex-wife being passive agressive and whiney, but my wife is a whole other story. He pointed out how agressive and nasty she can be and how she'll be cruel and cut you right to your core is she's mad at you. Then he described a few instances that he was a witness to. The roommate was agast, and said she sounded "like a manical supervillian or something".

 

I defended her, but my friends was kind of right. She's got a mean streak to her. She's judgmental, and bigoted, and very, very insecure.

 

I do think she may've cheated years back...but i have no proof and if she did, it's over now.

 

What really has hurt has been that a few years back, she turned very cold and mean, and she's ranged from distant to cruel every since. Has kept me at arms length, insulted and degraded me. Argues at every turn, even for small meaningless things. Almost no sex, and thn only when she's drunk enough to not remember or i've guilted her into it. She doesn't come up and just hug me or say she loves me, unless prompted. She chases away friends, etc etc etc. I can go on and on with this petty list, but it's not going to help, and it's hard to make anyone else understand how years of this treatment effects you. Particualrly to someone like me who's also insecure, doesn't have a very good support system and is generally willing to think poorly of themselves anyway.

 

You ask her for space, she gives you some and when she does you reply with:

 

Maybe she was hurt, maybe she was trying to give you what you wanted. What you have to realize is that she is wanting answers. The communication between you two has been awful. During these years you were trying to keep things together, did you effectivily communicate to her on what was going on within you? Did you two attempt counseling back then? Or did you just keep things to yourself? If she did not realize the seriousness of what was going on within you all these years then honestly how can you place all the blame on her?

 

Yeah, that's why I said I understood why she was doing it. But it was a change in her behavior and therefore worth mentioning. And yes, I'm a very open person and very straightforward about my feelings. I've said this. And I do not place all the blame on her. Again, I've said this.

 

IMO I still believe you love her, but you resent her. This resentment has overshadowed any attempt of you being 'in love' with her. You can't be in love with someone you resent. In order to get rid of this resentment you need to rely on someone higher than you. Let this resentment rest on his shoulders. Learn to forgive her what she has done. Resentment is like drinking poison and thinking she will be the one to die. It does not happen that way. It's this resentment that is causing this turmoil within yourself. You are in control of your own emotions, don't let this control you.

 

I absolutely do no love her. I might again, but now I do not. And what higher person? God? Sorry, I'm an athiest, so...pass. I have forgiven her. I'm not mad...I just don't love her.

 

This lets her know where you are at and that you won't just abandon all of this. Understand she is hurt, just as hurt as you are now. By either of you running away now, it will NOT eliminate or ease this hurt at all. The only way to ease this hurt is to learn how to communicate better between yourselves.

 

I'm trying.

[lonelyandtired]

I totally agree with what jmargel said, in fact, in one of your earlier postings, you did say that you resented your wife for not trying to change until she thought you were really gone.

 

jmargel has given you some great advice, and articulated what I was thinking so much better.

 

Well, now she's gone anyway. She went to a therapist today and they said she shold go stay with family. So she packed up and went to her parents until sunday at least.

 

At first I was sick feeling, then I felt relief. I also feel very alone right now.

 

I have two friends...one is leaving late tonight to go the NYC and he'll be gone all weekend. My other, is my female friend from work, who's still very supportive, but I don't think it would be appropriate to spend time with her now. So I'm going to be very very alone for the next 4 days.

[Kasan]

Well, now she's gone anyway. She went to a therapist today and they said she shold go stay with family. So she packed up and went to her parents until sunday at least.

 

At first I was sick feeling, then I felt relief. I also feel very alone right now.

 

I have two friends...one is leaving late tonight to go the NYC and he'll be gone all weekend. My other, is my female friend from work, who's still very supportive, but I don't think it would be appropriate to spend time with her now. So I'm going to be very very alone for the next 4 days.

 

No, you will not be alone, you have us here at LS, and I think some time away from each other is a good thing right now.

 

You will get through this....

[lonelyandtired]

No, you will not be alone, you have us here at LS, and I think some time away from each other is a good thing right now.

 

You will get through this....

 

I know, I just wish I had some real friends that could actually be physically here for me.

[Kasan]

If it's not to personal why did your wife's counselor tell her to leave and stay with relatives?

[lonelyandtired]

If it's not to personal why did your wife's counselor tell her to leave and stay with relatives?

 

She didn't say.

[Kasan]

So how are you going to spend this time away from your wife?

[lonelyandtired]

So how are you going to spend this time away from your wife?

 

I don't know...i have no freinds. My dad didn't seem to care on the phone..my friend from work is just uncomfortable with the whole drama, so she's avoiding me. My other friend is gone all weekend....i feel so very alone. I know this marriage is dead, and we need to end it, but it still hurts so much. I feel like someone has died.

 

The only thing I an think to do is drink until I pass out. Which I've alreayd started.

[lonelyandtired]

Wow...um....I'm not much of a drinker. Lets get that right up front.

 

But today, i got home from work at 4:30pm, and immediately started in on a 12 pack of Guiness I bought on the way home. 12 bottles of that, apparently half a bottle of vodka and a teeny bottle of jaeger later, plus a good nap, i'm waking/sobering up a bit.

 

I don't remember ordering this Papa Johns pizza, but the smell is making me ill. Maybe because half it's half eaten.

 

I know it's not a healthy sign to drink alone, but I think I needed it tonite.

 

There's one problem: I apparently sent some weird emails to my female friend from work. They're hard to follow but they all basically read like this: "i'm weird and needy and I'm sorry, and you're too good a person to be my friend. you're great, I suck, I'm sorry." Ad nauseum.

 

I started the afternopon dreading being lonely tonight and wished I could hang out with her and her friends. And I guess, translated through booze that became awkward passive aggressive emails.

 

i don't know how to handle this. And advice? Do I just say I was drunk and apologize or what? I don't ever do stuff like this, so I have no set way to do damage control.

 

Any help would be appreciated. Not really looking for comments on how stupid I am or the subconscious ramifications of my actions, I'm well aware of all that. I just need advice on how to fix this with my friend and co-worker.

 

Also excuse any bad grammar...I'm not quite sober yet.

[hopeful26]

If they are real friends, be honest. Tell them you are going through some rough times and you sent some out-of-character emails. They'll understand. No biggie.

[cj1988]

Oh Lonely, I do believe you are my H LOL ! He would do the same thing, drink.....when I was not around he said he missed me, but the thought of coming home he did not like. So, you see you have so many emotions and insecurities yourself to deal with now.

 

I told you, believe me when I tell you this, UNLESS you already have another on the side ( I know you do not, making a point) then you will miss her and want her back. Most people that are in A and do have another in the wings are fine, they fall and rebound to them.....but when you are leaving to start over cold turkey and alone, it all hits you head on....being alone is scary, but you say you are not in love and ready, right? Som hang in there and take baby steps.

 

Let your W go now and make her life, do not be selfish in your lonely scared moments and try to give her hope, let it all go and her if that is what you truly want.

 

I believe you will be surprised to find out how much you really do love her, keep that in mind. This could be the beginning or the end to a different relationship with her now......you will be fine either way and she will as well....

[Kasan]

LT--

 

Please use this time to figure out how you want to proceed with your life. I'm not sure why you felt the need to get drunk, although maybe, you miss your wife more than you think.

 

You are at a crossroads in your life, so please don't muddy things up anymore by emailing your friend. Tell your friend what you told us--she'll forgive you, I'm sure.

[lonelyandtired]

Oh Lonely, I do believe you are my H LOL ! He would do the same thing, drink.....when I was not around he said he missed me, but the thought of coming home he did not like. So, you see you have so many emotions and insecurities yourself to deal with now.

 

I told you, believe me when I tell you this, UNLESS you already have another on the side ( I know you do not, making a point) then you will miss her and want her back. Most people that are in A and do have another in the wings are fine, they fall and rebound to them.....but when you are leaving to start over cold turkey and alone, it all hits you head on....being alone is scary, but you say you are not in love and ready, right? Som hang in there and take baby steps.

 

Let your W go now and make her life, do not be selfish in your lonely scared moments and try to give her hope, let it all go and her if that is what you truly want.

 

I believe you will be surprised to find out how much you really do love her, keep that in mind. This could be the beginning or the end to a different relationship with her now......you will be fine either way and she will as well....

 

I didn't even think of contacting my wife. I just felt really alone and scared.

[lonelyandtired]

If they are real friends, be honest. Tell them you are going through some rough times and you sent some out-of-character emails. They'll understand. No biggie.

 

I apologized and she said it's fine and forgotten, but I still feel weird and embarrassed.

[lonelyandtired]

LT--

 

Please use this time to figure out how you want to proceed with your life. I'm not sure why you felt the need to get drunk, although maybe, you miss your wife more than you think.

 

I'm just feeling alone. I didn't even consider my wife much last night...but i desperately wanted some friends and some comfort.

 

I knew I had no one, so I thought I'd drink away the anxiousness. I did not mean to drink so much. I reached out to my friend after i got lit, and she didn't respond, and then I freaked out more.

 

You are at a crossroads in your life, so please don't muddy things up anymore by emailing your friend. Tell your friend what you told us--she'll forgive you, I'm sure.

 

She said it's fine. But it's not.

[Kasan]

She said it's fine. But it's not.

 

Enough! Enough of beating yourself up--we all do stupid things, if she says it's fine, than it is.

 

What are your plans for the day?

[lonelyandtired]

Enough! Enough of beating yourself up--we all do stupid things, if she says it's fine, than it is.

 

What are your plans for the day?

 

I'm at work now. Have a bit of a hangover.

 

I told my friend not to talk to me today, because I'm screwed up right now. I'm still in the same bad mental place as yesterday, so what I really want to do is hang out with my friend. I really want someone who's there for me, and she's not that kind of friend I guess....I don't have that kind of friend. I really wish I did, but I don't. My wife used to be that friend a long time ago, but she hasn't been for a very long time.

 

It's going to be another bad, bad night. But whatever....if I drink I'll avoid the vodka and it's unpredictable effects.

 

I have my first appt with my therapist at noon. I don't know how much I'll even be able to get out in an hour, so I doubt there'll be much accomplished there.

[Kasan]

I have my first appt with my therapist at noon. I don't know how much I'll even be able to get out in an hour, so I doubt there'll be much accomplished there.

 

I am really glad to hear this--you would be surprised at what will tumble out of your mouth! It's going to be a lot of work, and you will get out of it, exactly what you put into it.

 

No more negative thoughts......as going is a very positive thing to do.

[lonelyandtired]

(sorry in advance for the unfocused, self-pitying rant here)

 

I really think I would have left my wife long ago, but for the fear of being alone. I know I have no support system.

 

I couldn't even get any family on the phone last night, because watching football and drinking is more important than talking to me.

 

I have two friends in town, and while they've both been helpful, I don't think either of them truly understand what it's like to be this alone. They both have so many other friends. When I go out somewhere with either of them they are constantly bumping into people they know, no matter where it is. I actually get jealous and feel insecure in these instances. I think I'm only their friends because they are those people...people with an innumerable amount of friendships. I'm just lumped in...there's no special connection there. They've never wanted for friendship because everyone loves them....they just don't get what it is I feel. How hard it is for a weirdo like me to make friends and keep them. And when I reach out, they just slap me away or ignore me.

 

I know part of the problem was my wife keeping my friends at bay all these years, but I still could've done something to keep some closer. People always tell me how nice and funny I am, but they don't really try to befriend me really. I don't get party invites or a "hey, let's catch a movie". I just don't get it. I know I'm being downer right now, but I'm not usually like this. I usually try to be very lighthearted and fun.

 

But I am very different from most people....I'm not into sports or reality shows or other mainstream pop culture stuff. Most "regular" folks seem to think me too "smart", and yet, i'm not cool or "smart" enough to fit into any hipster or other sub-culture crowds. I've been a satellite to so many groups, but none of them ever truly let me in. Too arty for regular joes, too regular for arty types, too dark for the lighthearted, too light for the darker ones. I just don't fit anywhere.

 

I am desperate for some person or people who "get" me. That's been one of the most painful things about this marriage....we know everything about each other, and yet I still feel so alone. I haven't felt like she wants me to be around or that she "has my back" for years. God, the steady stream of "jokes" about me dying and her getting a lot of insurance money are a pretty clear indicator of that.

 

I see pictures of my friends with tons of other people at parties, having fun, laughing, never giving a thought to me. And I want that. But I not that guy...not someone people want around for fun. They only have me around when they need my help or they're really, truly bored. I'm back-up at best.

 

I don't know how I'm going to survive on my own.....but I can't survive in this marriage either. I don't know what I'm going to do...but I'm at the end of my rope. Getting out of this bad marriage will only be one problem down. I need help...i need support...I'm too weak now to go this on my own.

 

I used to thrive on doing things for myself, I always felt very emotionally strong for being very positive even though I didn't have anyone to really support me. But whatever strength or self-delusion I had is now gone. I'm well aware how weak and foolish and alone I am now. And the realization of hopelessness hurts so much.

 

(Sorry for this...no one has to read it....i just feel so ****ed up and typing is giving me something to focus on and channel this a bit. I'm glad this is anonymous....)

[Kasan]

LT--

 

Do you think that you are the only one who doesn't feel like they fit in? I swear a lot of people who post on this forum feel exactly like you do. Some wonder how to make friends, find good jobs, and have successful relationships, I guess OP, we are all in the same boat.

 

I don't like the tone of your posting, you are starting to worry me, and now I am even more happy that you will see your counselor today. Just know, that as bad as you feel right now, tomorrow will be better.

 

Maybe you should make a concerted effort to do something nice for yourself today. Are you eating, and still going to the gym? How are you sleeping?

[lonelyandtired]

LT--

 

Do you think that you are the only one who doesn't feel like they fit in? I swear a lot of people who post on this forum feel exactly like you do. Some wonder how to make friends, find good jobs, and have successful relationships, I guess OP, we are all in the same boat.

 

No. But that knowledge doesn't make me feel better.

 

I don't like the tone of your posting, you are starting to worry me, and now I am even more happy that you will see your counselor today. Just know, that as bad as you feel right now, tomorrow will be better.

 

Sorry. I thought yesterday I'd feel better "tomorrow"...it is tomorrow, and I don't.

 

Maybe you should make a concerted effort to do something nice for yourself today. Are you eating, and still going to the gym? How are you sleeping?

 

Like what? There's nothing I want, nothing distracts me. Tv, reading, working, nothing. I ate too much yesterday...I didin't go to the gym because I was too embarrassed about the scene in the lockerroom. I know people there were talking about me...I heard some of the employees when I left. I slept okay last night for the first time in weeks, but I was full of vodka.

[Kasan]

Look, you have some choices here, and some decisions to make about the rest of your life.

 

Do you have the start of a plan to do this? Have you heard from your wife?

[lonelyandtired]

Look, you have some choices here, and some decisions to make about the rest of your life.

 

Do you have the start of a plan to do this? Have you heard from your wife?

 

I have no real plan. Have not heard from the wife since she called and said she was leaving yesterday.