Fell out of love with my wife...heartbroken

[cj1988]

Lonely, As I said you are my H, but a little different. He is not running away, I cannot get him to leave. I know in my heart he is lost and MAYBE if I had the patience to hang on it may change, but not likely. He wanted to talk this weekend, so I listened. He someone believes that what he does not feel right now can be rebuilt (MAYBE) in time, but I am suppose to just sit and wait it out. He like you thinks he invested so much into me for years and was not happy that now I should be put through the same...he does not do it on purpose, he is just really hurt and tired...and now I am the same way.

 

Sometimes, even after all these years, some people are just not meant and it will not work. I know he loves me very much, but that will not be enough for us now. He needs to take care of his problems from his childhood as I am doing mine, and then maybe one day he can make a new start with someone else FREE and clean of the past. Atleast I hope he does. He is a good man and I feel bad for us both, but time to move on. He does not want to go because he knows he can let all this ANGER go, but does not want to yet.....too bad I am not a game. So, I have taken MY LIFE into my hands and I AM moving on....he was the one like you that wanted out, almost had a nervous break down etc....but now the tables have turned....so be really careful what you wish for you may get it and it is NOT what you wanted at all.

 

Good Luck, you will need it !

[lonelyandtired]

I wish you all the best, hon. ^_^

 

Thank you so much. I'm glad I was here alone when I read your post...I think I just cried uncontrollably for about 45 minutes. It's so nice to know people out there really do understand and are supportive. I've really been feeling like I'm some awful, evil person with all this going through my head. Your words really made me feel better in that respect. Thank you, truly.

 

And I do need to start drawing again, or failing that, find some new or related creative outlet. On the plus side, they say pain is the best inspiration to create art. =)

 

Thanks again.

[lonelyandtired]

i really hope things work out for you.

 

one thing i've noticed is that no matter how open or intelligent we are in regular life, emotional and relationship intelligence and wisdom is just another thing. i consider my husband and i to have some strong points, but i've realized that i've never actually observed a really great relationship. i can imagine and conceptualize, but never seen it in real life. at least a professional will have had experiences of success with many kinds of people.

 

i've had various people before. luckily the one i've been seeing lately really outshines them i would look for someone who really does it for you. each week is like some brilliant new lesson to try to practice.

 

got to go. will finish thought later

 

Yeah, gowing up, I didn't know a non-disfunctional couple at all. Not my parents, not my grandparents (they slept in different beds in seperate bedrooms, ferchristsake), not any of my frinds parents. It was the 80s and it seemed like none of the adult marriage in the radius of my life survived. So i didn't ever really see a "great" loving relationship. Don't know how'd I know one if I did see it.

 

As an adult, I've seen some healthier ones, and a few, to outward appearances are wonderful. But I know that's how many people viewed my marriage, as some sort of touchstone to reference for a good relationship. But they didn't really know what went on when we were alone.

 

And there were a lot of good times and a lot of love in the past, so it made the hard times worthwhile. Now, not so much. I can't envision growing to be my grandparents. Hateful and cold, sleeping under same roof but in seperate bedrooms. Only staying togther because they couldn't afford to be apart. I'd sooner shoot myself than end up like them. That was just an awful, pathetic existence.

[lonelyandtired]

Lonely, As I said you are my H, but a little different. He is not running away, I cannot get him to leave. I know in my heart he is lost and MAYBE if I had the patience to hang on it may change, but not likely. He wanted to talk this weekend, so I listened. He someone believes that what he does not feel right now can be rebuilt (MAYBE) in time, but I am suppose to just sit and wait it out. He like you thinks he invested so much into me for years and was not happy that now I should be put through the same...he does not do it on purpose, he is just really hurt and tired...and now I am the same way.

 

Sometimes, even after all these years, some people are just not meant and it will not work. I know he loves me very much, but that will not be enough for us now. He needs to take care of his problems from his childhood as I am doing mine, and then maybe one day he can make a new start with someone else FREE and clean of the past. Atleast I hope he does. He is a good man and I feel bad for us both, but time to move on. He does not want to go because he knows he can let all this ANGER go, but does not want to yet.....too bad I am not a game. So, I have taken MY LIFE into my hands and I AM moving on....he was the one like you that wanted out, almost had a nervous break down etc....but now the tables have turned....so be really careful what you wish for you may get it and it is NOT what you wanted at all.

 

Good Luck, you will need it !

 

As far as tables turning, that's how I kind of feel now. I swear my wife hated me and resented me and wanted nothing more than for me to be gone...for years. But I loved her and fought and fought and fought to stay together. But now that I gave up fighting, she's the one trying to pull me back in.

 

She's constantly hovering (not respecting for a second my request for some space) and hugging ang kissing me constantly, talking to me kindly and sweet most of the time. And that's all I wanted for so long. I just wanted some affection and compasion from her, but I didn't get it. And now, I no longer want it from her, and she's cramming it cloyingly down my throat.

 

I'd find it hilarious if it didn't hurt so much.

 

So I understand turned tables.

[cj1988]

You are running away from this and I promise you will regret it. When you finally tell your W and you realize she does not want you......you will want her again ! Watch and see.....like I said you are JUST like my H. He had contrl of me and my emotions for a while, so he was feeling he would be ok, that was after he cried like you for months. Then when I got my self together and I was ok and was ready to leave, he had second thoughts about it all and NOW WANTS ME !

 

Too bad !

[lonelyandtired]

You are running away from this and I promise you will regret it. When you finally tell your W and you realize she does not want you......you will want her again ! Watch and see.....like I said you are JUST like my H. He had contrl of me and my emotions for a while, so he was feeling he would be ok, that was after he cried like you for months. Then when I got my self together and I was ok and was ready to leave, he had second thoughts about it all and NOW WANTS ME !

 

Too bad !

 

Doubt it, but stranger things have happened.

 

If I change my mind and she also changes hers and decides she finally wants out for sure as a consequence of the recent happenings with us, then I'll let her go. Having seen this from the side of the person who wants out, I couldn't put up a fight in good conscience.

 

Besides, i'm well an good used to not getting what I want in life, pretty much, well...ever. I can survive one more unfulfilled longing, honestly. I'll file it right between "successful illustration career" and "flying car".

 

(damn you, flying car, how I long for you...why must you be fictional?)

[cj1988]

Sorry Lonely, I wrote a long post and the damn thing froze up on me.

 

Anyway, maybe you are really through and over your marriage....I thought my H was as well. He did not speak to me for 5 months treated me terribly and continually told me he wanted out, now he feels different.

 

I am not sure WHY he wants to stay, he is not intimate at all and when I try to be he sounds like you. He gets mad and says "why now, after all the years why now" He cried for those 5 months, drunk alot saying "It is too late" as I begged for us to stay together. Now, he will not leave but wants to remain the same and say " I waited for you, be patient and wait for me" NO, I will not. He did not like it when I was cold, so I will be damned if I will wait. He is either in or out. He said that me wanting sex all the time makes him NOT want it because he cannot figure out WHY I have changed. What does it matter now, this is what he wanted.....so I do not get it......you and he are the same, you got what you wanted and now you do not want it......what is that? Why will he not let me go???????

[lonelyandtired]

Sorry Lonely, I wrote a long post and the damn thing froze up on me.

 

Anyway, maybe you are really through and over your marriage....I thought my H was as well. He did not speak to me for 5 months treated me terribly and continually told me he wanted out, now he feels different.

 

I am not sure WHY he wants to stay, he is not intimate at all and when I try to be he sounds like you. He gets mad and says "why now, after all the years why now" He cried for those 5 months, drunk alot saying "It is too late" as I begged for us to stay together. Now, he will not leave but wants to remain the same and say " I waited for you, be patient and wait for me" NO, I will not. He did not like it when I was cold, so I will be damned if I will wait. He is either in or out. He said that me wanting sex all the time makes him NOT want it because he cannot figure out WHY I have changed. What does it matter now, this is what he wanted.....so I do not get it......you and he are the same, you got what you wanted and now you do not want it......what is that? Why will he not let me go???????

 

 

I can't speak for your H, (because, like it or not, we are not one and the same, everyone's different with unique needs and perspectives) but if I knew my wife could afford our house on her own, I'd be out already. Not wanting to leave her and have us need to end up selling this house made me stay at first, and that gave me time to consider that maybe (however unlikely it may be) I can fall back in love. However, not having the time and the space I need to heal had hampered that.

 

If my wife came to me tonight and said, I want to be doen with this, I'd be okay with that.

 

If your husband is not ready to be intimate, either back off and give him some space, or if you're truly done with him just up and leave. I don't know if I've truly completely given up on my marriage. That's why I'm still here.

[cj1988]

Well, I believe he is just waiting to see if I am going to change into someone I have never been....I am an out going, say what I want kind of woman, what he liked......now he just wants to be boring and go to bed at 9PM and I am not that at all. We are not old and he is acting like he is, UNLESS he is with huis buddiies, then he is an 18 old idiot !

 

So, I do believe he is just comfortable and remember I won it all, he has nothing and will have to find a room mate.

 

I try to kiss/love and him and he acts weird, so guess what I stopped and he is still weird, but nicer. I am tired of the game and want to move on and be happy !

[lonelyandtired]

I think I can't wait anymore. I think I'm going to sit my wife down today and lay things out clearly. Ask for a divorce or at least a trail separation. I think I'm hurting her more by waiting.

[wishful]

i think the holidays are a little extra taxing. what is making things seem so immediate, that something deeps to happen right away?

 

i've just spent the last 2 days realizing that when things seem 'immediate' that the feeling driving that is something outside the situation. so what is triggering the immediacy?

 

i'm a pretty cautious person. so i guess i actually avoid sudden changes. you definitely sound like you could use some space and time to think.

 

i used to be fairly proficient at drawing, and have taken a bunch of different breaks, for long periods of time. sure you get rusty, but you can come back fast. think babysteps, and be appreciative of small improvements, and it'll come back faster than you think. it's really the frequency that will show some progress. and a little positive thinking

[Kasan]

I think I can't wait anymore. I think I'm going to sit my wife down today and lay things out clearly. Ask for a divorce or at least a trail separation. I think I'm hurting her more by waiting.

 

I don't understand why you are in such a hurry to separate or divorce.

 

I do get that you are angry and resentful at your wife's attempts to win you back. I am sure you are wondering why she couldn't have done this earlier. Sometimes we all need our wake-up call, and it sounds like your wife has gotten hers.

 

Have you truly left no stone unturned to resolve the issues in your marriage? What could it hurt to get into counseling....you obviously have your wife's attention now. Counseling will give the both of you some great tools to address the marriage's problems. Maybe they can be resolved, maybe not, but sixteen years of marriage is a long time to just walk away.

 

Every marriage has its awful times...our feelings of love for our spouse can disappear completely and then come back in a blink of an eye, we struggle with the balance of power, we get worn down and our hearts get broken with the struggle of our daily life, we lose ourselves in this partnership of marriage. But sometimes, if we are lucky, and we are willing to do the work, some of us will find our way back to each other.

 

Before I considered leaving a marriage, I would do whatever it took to save my marriage, so that I knew my decision to leave was not based on anger and resentment. I would never want to assume the role of being a victim.

Edited January 1, 2008 by Kasan

[lonelyandtired]

I don't understand why you are in such a hurry to separate or divorce.

 

I'm not in a hurry. I've been through years of a bad marriage. I had an epiphany a couple years ago that I'd just never be happy. And now that my love for my wife has died, i realize I CAN be happy again...but I can't do that here. I'm drowning, and it won't change.

 

Some things have gone on in the last couple weeks, small things, but they show that my wide's behavior is still pretty much the same as before. She's just got a facade of smiles on top now. I want to have a life before I'm too old to have one. Better to start over now than wait another decade. I doubt I'd survive another decade alive like this.

 

 

I'm not anymore. It just makes me a bit sad now.

 

 

Yes.

 

 

It's my wake-up call, too.

 

 

I honestly don't think it will help the marriage at this point. I've checked out. I wouldn't mind going to counseling just to help us both transition and to mend some fences....maybe we can divorce somewhat as friends. I dunno.

 

 

I think we've done this over and over. A friend of mine said he's wanted us to split for years because he loves us both but he sees how miserable we've been for so long.

 

 

It's not anger or resentment anymore...it's fatigue and an innumerable amount of time thinking about the right course of action here. It's time to end this for both of us so we can move on.

 

A lot of people have asked me this question: forget what making her happy, what would make you happy? and the first thing I think of is starting over. It's time. If I don't I think I'm going to have such a bad breakdown I won't be able to come back from it. I was so close to it before.

[wishful]

what is going on today that seems to bring up so much pressure? my friend usually says if time is a factor--say getting something done today--that fear is at issue. you say your wife's been trying to improve, but you just feel mistrust.

 

one thing i've noticed about emotions is that they certainly do fluctuate. maybe you feel like you need freedom or space. i just really wish you'd review it all with someone who had a lot of relationship and emotional experience.

 

new year's is especially a painful day for thinking about where you are and where you wish you were. some other random day seems like you'd be more sure to be acting on something that might be an emotional trigger.

[lonelyandtired]

what is going on today that seems to bring up so much pressure? my friend usually says if time is a factor--say getting something done today--that fear is at issue. you say your wife's been trying to improve, but you just feel mistrust.

 

one thing i've noticed about emotions is that they certainly do fluctuate. maybe you feel like you need freedom or space. i just really wish you'd review it all with someone who had a lot of relationship and emotional experience.

 

new year's is especially a painful day for thinking about where you are and where you wish you were. some other random day seems like you'd be more sure to be acting on something that might be an emotional trigger.

 

There's no specific new thing other than the realization that things are just going to end up back as they were before. It's been a month since I realized I was done with this. The longest, most agonizing month of my life.

 

And every interaction with my wife ends in one or both of us being hurt now. Even when we're trying to be nice to each other.

 

It just feels like it's time to go.

[lonelyandtired]

Anyway, I held off another night.

[cj1988]

Hello Lonely, why did you hold off, because of you or her. If I were her, I would rather you drop the bomb now......she deserves to be set free so she can get herself together now. She deserves to be able to find someone that she can love the right way and he can love her back.

 

Remember this one thing, the wake up call for her, was a gift you will not be able to see. NOW, that she knows what love is and how to give and receive, you will not be the one reaing those wonderful benefits. It will kill one day in the future to see that she is happy with someone else when it could hace been you.

 

THINK really hard before you pull the plug.....woman NORMALLY do not come back after being hurt that badly.....when we are done we are done.

[lonelyandtired]

Hello Lonely, why did you hold off, because of you or her. If I were her, I would rather you drop the bomb now......she deserves to be set free so she can get herself together now. She deserves to be able to find someone that she can love the right way and he can love her back.

 

Remember this one thing, the wake up call for her, was a gift you will not be able to see. NOW, that she knows what love is and how to give and receive, you will not be the one reaing those wonderful benefits. It will kill one day in the future to see that she is happy with someone else when it could hace been you.

 

THINK really hard before you pull the plug.....woman NORMALLY do not come back after being hurt that badly.....when we are done we are done.

 

Wow. You just gave completely contradictory advice between your first paragraph and your last. You need to take this anger out on your man, not me.

 

Anyway, I waited because I couldn't summon up the energy for the fight that would result and also because a few people on here said to wait. Also, I'm trying to maybe hold out for friday as I have an appt with a therapist.

[cj1988]

You obviously do not know most women and you do not know me. I am not taking anything out on YOU at all.......I am not angry at all (aothough I have EVERY right to be), do not care enough to do so anymore.

 

Another thing, I like others are here to help you, but if you are going to be defensive and attack that way, NO ONE will want to do so.....

 

Good luck ! I will not say another word to you ! I hope you are happy and I mean that !

[Kasan]

Anyway, I waited because I couldn't summon up the energy for the fight that would result and also because a few people on here said to wait. Also, I'm trying to maybe hold out for friday as I have an appt with a therapist.

 

 

I am really very glad to hear that you have taken this step, as you have made a couple of references to breaking down.

 

Regardless if you stay with your wife or not, counseling will help you work through some of the tough issues that you had growing up. He/she can see your life from a fresh perspective which could be very helpful to you, as well as do a depressions screening.

 

It is good that you are thinking about resuming your art. My art grounds and centers me, and I have found, that in the instances of my life where I have abandoned my art, my life has felt less than successful.

 

My art has helped keep me sane, as I know that I can retreat there, when the world feels like it is falling down around me.

[lonelyandtired]

You obviously do not know most women and you do not know me. I am not taking anything out on YOU at all.......I am not angry at all (aothough I have EVERY right to be), do not care enough to do so anymore.

 

Another thing, I like others are here to help you, but if you are going to be defensive and attack that way, NO ONE will want to do so.....

 

Good luck ! I will not say another word to you ! I hope you are happy and I mean that !

 

I apologize. That's one of the things about text, it's hard to tell inflection or emotion intended, yet easy to infer emotion to it.

 

Your posts have read to me as a bit of misdirected anger at times, which I don't really mind, but first thing in the morning, my first day back at work since the 21st, after a really stressful couple days....well, it made me grumpy.

 

Sorry. My bad.

[lonelyandtired]

It is good that you are thinking about resuming your art. My art grounds and centers me, and I have found, that in the instances of my life where I have abandoned my art, my life has felt less than successful.

 

My art has helped keep me sane, as I know that I can retreat there, when the world feels like it is falling down around me.

 

Art became a career and then became a career I couldn't completely embrace (nor really have the time to hone whatever talent I had properly), so it slowly became a burden and a reminder of failure. I'm trying to get back to a point where being creative is a passion and a way to channel my energies in a way that I enjoy again. Not necessarily a hobby, as I still would like to make a living from it (actually, I still do graphic design, but that's just not the same thing for me), but it has to be fun, not another albatross around my neck.

 

I think though, that not having that as my indentity any longer has made me realize how lacking I am otherwise. I literally have nothing else. And now I want to go out and learn and do more with my life. I think doing that will actually help with my art. New experiences to interpret and the like.

[melodicmaybe]

I know it's hard. Every day you go through it over and over and over in your mind - "Am I going to tell her today? Will today be the day? I can't keep doing this. I'm going to tell her. But she's happy right now (or she's sick or you're sick or something else is going on)..." I think it's the finality of it that makes it so hard. You get to a point where deep down inside you know, you KNOW, without equivocation that it's over, but it's still hard to sit down and actually end it.

 

I think it says a lot about you, and the kind of man you are, that you're attempting to hurt your wife as little as possible in all this, even going so far as to try and make sure she's financially secure after you leave. You're a good person.

 

It's going to be hard. There is never going to be a good time to sit her down and tell her, but if you're sure (and you've said that you are), then delaying it isn't going to make it easier. Waiting till Friday might not be a bad idea though. If nothing else, your counselor can help you go over what you're going to say and some tools for handling the emotional scene during and afterwards.

 

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but things are going to be ok. You just have to keep moving forward. Hang in there.

[cj1988]

No problem Lonely, what you have failed to see yet is that I am now falling into your tracks. I too am tired of my up and down relationship and have at times felt like I want out and that would make it all better. BUT, at the end of the day I still hang on because I know we can do better and I have not lost it ALL yet. After everything we have been through it should be over, but it is not.

 

All of my friends and some of his are shocked we made it this far, fighting all the time....still do. I have told my H over and over again in the last month we should split up and he seems to think I just want an easy way out NOT realizing I have no idea what else to do......so, I do see both sides and yes sometimes I got angry....now I am just to tired to do anything.

[wishful]

i read somewhere on one of these threads that there's a big spike in legal steps for relationships during the holidays. i am so glad you are trying to hold out to talk to the counselor.

 

i would really love to hear that you've done anything to start to draw or be creative again. i think it is possible to work on steps toward your own happiness without any need to wait for anything. putting your efforts toward feeling like you life is full and worthwhile might keep the rockiness of the relationship from getting to you also.

 

i personally feel a giant relief now that the holidays are over, and hope the same for you!